"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for... and the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

"Its Been A Long Year"
Prolouge

I always slept on my side. When I woke up in the morning on by back, I knew something was wrong. I knew that something, subconsciously, in the middle of the night woke me, made me stir a bit, but then put me back to sleep as if nothing had gone on at all. It was almost as if whatever had woken me up was just a dream or my imagination running amok, again, because I could never remember anything.

This morning was no different. My eyes opened to incessant beeping of my five dollar alarm clock. I put my left hand on my chest and pulled my quilt over my head with the other. I watched the cover rise and fall to the rhythm of my breath. Breathing in deep, I tossed the covers off and let my legs dangle off the edge of the bed. My feet touched the cold hardwood floor and I cringed a little knowing that was the first step of many to the kitchen where my coffee awaited me. I watched my refection pass the mirror over the vanity. I took a step back and blinked hard. The purplish tone under my eyes didn't bode too well with the lacking color in my hair. I ran my hand over my left arm, covered in welts. I let my fingers linger over the bumps and bruises for a little longer. Wetness fell from my eye as I continued to stare at myself in the almost full length mirror. I closed my eyes tight and took a long, deep breath, coughing back the tears.

It had been a long year.

I cradled her in my arms and placed her tiny hand in mine. Her dark brown hair covered her little head. She had the cutest little head. I placed my lips on her forehead. I listened to her breathe and ran my index finger over her warm cheek. Catching myself smiling, I quickly turned away. How could I let her go? How could I do this to her? How could I do this to myself?

Some days are better than others. Some days, I want to keep her right here with me, locked in my arms; just me and her forever. I would think about how everything could work out and how things could be perfect if it were just her and me in our own little, safe world. Then I wake up from my dream and realize that is not how it is going to be. It can't just be the two of us when things are so complicated.

She opened her eyes and stared deep into mine. I smiled at her and she cooed at me. I watched a tear drop fall from my face to hers. I wiped it away and watched the door open. They didn't even have to say anything; I knew what time it was. It was time for her to not be mine. I handed her over and heard her begin to cry. As soon as the door closed, I began sobbing.

It had been a long year.

He threw the ring and I watched his spin around the glass on the kitchen table. I listened to him yell at me as he walked into the back room. I heard the all too familiar sound of him rolling a suitcase from the closet. I crossed my arms over my chest and yelled at him not to go. He said he had to, that he couldn't be like this anymore. He said that every time he left.

All of his clothes lay in the red suitcase. I walked into the bathroom and threw all of his things onto the floor. I twisted the band around my finger and stood, silent in the kitchen. Every other time he left, he always came back, but I had never seen him act quite like this. I wondered if this time would be like every other time. I wondered if he would walk back in the door tomorrow, telling me he was sorry for the way he acted and the he only wanted to be with me.

As soon as he walked out the door, I knew this time was going to be different. As soon as he walked out the door, I knew he wasn't coming back. As soon as he walked out the door, I knew this was going to be worth the fight.

I watched his car drive away and I threw the ring at the window. I let my body fall to the ground. I heard the ring hit the floor and I began to weep.

It had been a long year.