Chapter 4
Believe In What You Want
The wind was blowing just enough on the shore of Wrights Beach that no one was out that night. The chilly night was one of many lately. It was a mild spring so far. I looked up at the sky and then out to the ocean. Ships crossed over the horizon and if one wasn't careful, they could be confused with the stars. The oceans breeze sent chills down my spine. I rubbed my hands together, trying to heat my body. I turned around, hearing footsteps behind me.
I watched Nathan's tall frame walk toward me. He had an almost cocky stagger about him. I think that is part of what made me so attracted to him. Even in a crowded room, I could always spot him. He was the one who just seemed to glow. He was the one who everyone seemed to be looking at and I loved that. I was the greedy girl who wanted the gorgeous guy all the other girls were staring at. And I had him, for just a moment, and then he slipped right out of my fingers.
Sometimes I feel like the saddest day in someone's life is the day they forget something that was so amazingly important to them that they just suddenly feel empty. The day I laid in the hospital, about to give birth to our daughter, I forgot what Nathan smelled like. At that very moment I felt more empty and alone then I had ever felt in my life.
"I was wondering if you would be here tonight." I said to him, standing up and dusting the sand off of my legs.
"I almost didn't come." He crossed his arms over his chest and I narrowed my eyes at his left hand.
We sat on the sand and I said, "So, back together again?"
"Brooke…"
"What? When were you going to tell me? After we had sex again? After I made a fool out of myself talking about how I miss you before you are even gone? After I told you how I almost love you? Is that when you were going to tell me?"
"She is my wife."
"And I mothered your child."
"It was a mistake…"
I shook my head and choked back my tears, "That was not a mistake and you know it."
"You didn't want a baby and you know that."
"So what if I didn't want a baby, Nathan, that is not the point. Just because I didn't want to have a baby at seventeen doesn't mean that she was a mistake. Everything happens for a reason. So what if this isn't the perfect relationship…"
I watched him stand up and shake his head, "There is no point in this conversation right now… or ever for that matter."
"If you walk away from me right now and never turn back, I guess I understand, but I just need you to know that the only time I have ever felt safe in my entire life is when I am in your arms. I'm not telling you these things so that you will leave her for me, believe me, I have had my heart broken enough times to never want my best friend to go through the pain and agony of knowing that the person you love… just doesn't want you as much as you want them. I messed up, I get that, but I hoped in the back of my mind that you would try and forget about those things, but I guess you decided to walk away instead…"
"This isn't me walking away, Brooke, this is me trying to move on."
"But… you can't move on. We have both made some mistakes but what is a relationship with out problems?"
"A perfect one?"
"Perfect doesn't exist, Nate, when are you going to realize that? Nothing is perfect."
"Why do you always say that? Maybe someday things can be perfect. But this, this will never be perfect and you know that. You are just trying to get me to believe that this is the best that it can get. You want me to think that nonstop fighting and yelling is the best life can possibly be. The only thing you make me do is want to hold out for perfect, Brooke."
"That's not what I want to make you do, Nathan. I want you to want me! That's all; it's that plain and simple. It is black and white. All I wanted this whole time was for you to want me back. I didn't care if you believed this was the best it could get. It didn't matter if you though our continuous fighting was the way things would always be. None of that mattered a single bit as long as we were together."
I watched him twist his wedding band around his finger and look up at me. "I'm sorry, Brooke."
What was I thinking? Why did I kiss him, again? Brooke was my best friend, how could I do this to her again. I couldn't stop my mind from racing. I had tried everything to slow my thoughts down. Taking deep breaths, taking a hot shower, eating, trying to sleep, nothing was working. I just couldn't stop thinking about it. What worried me was the fact that I was only thinking about what happened, not who it happened with.
I knew it was a mistake from the moment that it happened and as soon as I walked out of Tric I regretted it.
I didn't even have feelings for Lucas. I
I didn't even know who I had feelings for anymore.
Trying, again, to stop thinking about it, I lay on my bed and put my pillow over my face. I heard footsteps outside my door, but I didn't move. I wasn't really in the talking mood. I prayed that it wasn't Brooke, or Lucas, for that matter.
The person came closer. "Peyton?" It was Haley. I peaked out from behind the pillow. She raised her eyebrows at me. "What are you doing?" I shook my head and pulled my covers over my head. She sat on the edge of the bed and ran her hand over my head, "Peyton, seriously, what is wrong?"
"I did something stupid," I said from under the covers.
She laughed a little and said, "What?" I tried to pull the blanket down, "I mean, it can't be as stupid and you making out with Lucas right?" She laughed.
I sat up from under the blanket and stared at her.
"No," She said, crossing her arms over her chest, "Not again. You kissed him again, Peyton…"
"I know, I know! It was stupid, I told you." I threw the covers over my body again.
"I mean, Peyton, I am not on good terms with Brooke and I would love to say she had it coming but…"
"No, I never should have do this… again."
"Are you going to tell her?"
As I sat up again, I saw a females frame in my doorway. "Are you going to tell me what?" Brooke said, as she put her hands on her hips. She narrowed her eyes at Haley and I.
I took a deep breath and looked at Haley. What was a girl to do?
I