Author's Note: I've made my decision for the next adaptation. It should be ready by January. I'm very much on the fence on whether I should reveal what film it is. For those of you who like surprises, let me know via PM.
Anyway, the grand finale of 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' will be posted before New Year's Day. Until then, I thank each and every one of you, my loyal readers and reviewers. I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Review Responses
JC of the Corn: My thoughts exactly. If it weren't a comedy, that scene would be pure nightmare fuel.
Dungeon Wyrm: Thank you for the idea! I used it.
Guest review on chapter 17, Dec 12: You're absolutely right. I assure you the next movie will be a brighter one to lift the parties' spirits.
Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit story for entertainment purposes only. "RWBY" is the property of director and animator Monty Oum (RIP) and production company Rooster Teeth, and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is the property of directors Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones (RIP), production company Python (Monty) Pictures Limited, and distributed by EMI Films.
Ironwood and Oobleck "rode" into a village. An old woman was beating a cat against a mat on a rack. The feline yowled with each impact.
Blake narrowed her eyes at the screen. "I'm really starting to get sick of all this cat abuse!" she snarled.
Yang put a pacifying hand on Blake's shoulder. "Easy, kitty," she said.
"Old crone!" Ironwood called to the woman.
She turned to face Ironwood, revealing herself to have a haggard, wart-covered face.
"Caroline Cordovin," Ironwood said simply, not particularly happy to see the woman again.
Winter grimaced at Cordovin's ragged appearance. "Ugh! She looks terrible."
"Moreso than usual," Qrow added with a sip of his flask.
Ironwood and Oobleck approached Cordovin.
"Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?" Ironwood inquired.
There was a dramatic chord as Cordovin's eyes widened in terror.
"Who sent you?" she asked warily.
"The Knights Who Say 'Ni'," Ironwood answered.
"Agh!" Cordovin winced at the accursed word. "No! Never! We have no shrubberies here!"
"Why would she refuse to help them?" Penny asked.
Ruby shrugged. "Maybe she's had a bad run in with the knights of Ni," she assumed.
"In that case, I don't blame her," Jaune said in agreement.
"If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'ni'," Ironwood threatened.
"Agh!" Cordovin groaned in pain. "Do your worst!"
Glynda scoffed and glared at Ironwood. "Really, James? You're resorting to elder abuse?"
"That's not me!" Ironwood shouted defensively.
"Even so, it's appalling," Glynda countered.
"Very well!" Ironwood declared loudly. "If you will not assist us voluntarily... Ni!"
Cordovin winced but still refused. "No! Never! No shrubberies!"
"Ni!" Ironwood and Oobleck said repeatedly.
Cordovin shrank back in fear and agony against the barrage of 'Ni' thrown at her.
Qrow wagged his finger at Ironwood. "Shame on you, Jimmy. Tormenting an old woman like that," he mock scolded.
"Oh, shut up! It's to find the grail," Ironwood retorted, even though he himself didn't fully approve.
A bearded man riding on a cart pulled by two men rode up to observe the scene.
"Are you saying 'Ni' to that old woman?" the man confronted.
"Err... yes," Ironwood confessed.
The man frowned. "Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to an old ladies," he said sadly. "There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange, and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history," the man lamented.
"That's the dark ages for you," Ozpin said sadly.
"Wait, he mentioned shrubberies, didn't he?" Velvet said.
"Yes, he did," Sun confirmed. Maybe he can help them out."
"Did you say 'shrubberies'?" Ironwood asked.
"Yes," the man confirmed. "Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is 'Forest the Shrubber'. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies."
"Well, that's very convenient," Ironwood said, relieved by his counterparts stroke of luck.
There was a short pause before Oobleck stepped forward and shouted "Ni!" at Forest.
"No! No! No!" Ironwood cried, pulling Oobleck back.
Half the audience burst out laughing, while the other half sighed in disfavor.
Port scowled at Oobleck. "You too, Bart?" he scolded.
"I'd never do such a thing!" Oobleck shouted indignantly.
Cut back to Ironwood and Oobleck in the gloomy forest.
"O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery," Ironwood said. "May we go now?"
The next shot revealed Watts examining a shrubbery enclosed by a short, white, picket fence.
"This is a good shrubbery," Watts praised Forests' work. "I like the laurels particularly."
The smaller Knights of Ni nodded in agreement.
"It is a rather nice shrubbery," Pyrrha commented.
"Let's hope this placates them," Winter said, crossing her fingers.
"Something tells me it won't," Ironwood fretted.
"But there is one small problem," Watts said.
"What is that?" Ironwood asked cautiously.
"We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'," Watts proclaimed.
"Ni!" one of the smaller knights chirped.
"Shh!" the other knights shushed.
"We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-'," Watts said before unintelligible gibberish.
Nora, Velvet, and Ruby all giggled at Watt's incoherent ramblings.
Jaune cocked his brow. "Ecky... what?"
Ren shrugged. "I have no idea," he replied.
"It just sounded like gibberish to me," Qrow said.
"Therefore, we must give you a test," Watts stated.
Winter rolled her eyes. "Oh great."
Ironwood sighed. "Is this nonsense ever going to end?"
"What is this test, O Knights of-" Ironwood began before pausing. "Knights who till recently said 'ni'?"
Oobleck flinched slightly at the mention of 'Ni'.
A few audience members chuckled at Ooblecks double take.
"He didn't even bother try to pronounce their new name," Velvet giggled.
"Well, you try pronouncing it, bun-bun," Coco countered.
"Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!" Watts declared.
There was another dramatic chord.
Qrow, Yang, Jaune, and Nora all burst out laughing.
"What?!" Ironwood shouted angrily.
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me," Winter complained, knowing she should have seen it coming.
Ironwood was outraged. "Not another shrubbery!" he said.
Watts held up a hand. "Then when you have found the shrubbery, you must place that one beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle," he instructed.
"A path! A path! A path!" the other knights said in agreement.
"How long are they going to keep up this malarkey?" Port asked in bafflement.
"You're guess is as good as anyone's, Peter," Ozpin answered.
"Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!" Watts' dictated, holding up the aforementioned herring.
There was another dramatic chord.
"A herring!" the smaller knights whooped.
Half the audience laughed while the other half were dumbstruck by Watts' insane task.
"Like hell I will," Ironwood growled.
"How on Remnant are they supposed to do that?" Weiss questioned in befuddlement.
"They can't. It's impossible," Penny said simply.
"We shall do no such thing!" Ironwood refused, finally fed up with Watts.
"Oh, please!" Watts sneered.
"Cut down a tree with a herring?!" Ironwood said incredulously. "It can't be done."
Suddenly the Knights of Ni screamed and covered their ears. Ironwood and Oobleck looked confused.
"Hmmm?" Ozpin hummed curiously.
"What's got them all ruffled?" Yang asked.
Watts put a hand to his ear. "Ohh! Don't say that word!"
"What word?" Ironwood asked in puzzlement.
"I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear!"
Winter smirked. "So, they have a weakness after all."
"Sort of like the effect 'Ni' has on other people," Coco added, sucking on an ice pop.
"But what's the word?" Ruby wondered.
"How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?" Ironwood asked.
"Aaugh!" the Knights of Ni cried.
"You said it again!" Watts shrieked.
"What, 'is'?" Ironwood asked.
"No, not 'is'!" Watts dismissed. "You wouldn't get very far in life not saying 'is'!"
"No, not 'is'. Not 'is'," the smaller knights chorused.
"What word is it then? "What"?" Jaune guessed.
"No, they already "what" plenty of times, and nothing happened," Pyrrha corrected
"I believe the word is "it"," Penny informed, judging from the proximity between the mention of 'it' and the knights of Ni's reaction.
"My liege, it's Sir Robin!" Oobleck informed.
From nearby, Sir Leonardo and his minstrels entered the clearing. Rhodes was still singing a derogatory song about Leonardo's cowardice. The Atlesian knight continuously shooting Rhodes a surly look.
"He is packing it in and packing it up."
"And sneaking away and buggering off"
"And chickening out and pissing off home"
"Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge."
Yang, Ruby, Jaune, Nora, and Qrow all laughed at Rhode's ridiculing lyrics.
"He's kept it up this whole time," Weiss giggled.
"Poor Leonardo," Ozpin said sympathetically despite the knights cowardice.
"Sir Leonardo!" Ironwood said.
"My liege! It's good to see you," Lionheart greeted.
The Knights of Ni screamed and covered their ears.
Watts pointed at Leonardo. "Now he's said the word!" he cried.
"Hmmm. That's an easily exploited weakness," Oobleck noted.
"Indeed. It's amazing how nobody said 'it' to them before now," Port pointed out with a chuckle.
"Surely, you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?" Ironwood questioned Leonardo.
"He is sneaking away and buggering up-" Rhodes began to sing.
Yang laughed. "You'd think he prepared all those lyrics in advance."
"Shut up!" Leonardo silenced Rhodes before answering Ironwood with a smile. "No, no. No. Far from it."
"He said the word again!" Watts cried.
"I was... looking for it," Leonardo claimed.
"The Grail, or your spine?" Qrow joked, prompting giggles from Ruby and Yang.
"Aaaahh!" the Knights of Ni screamed again while the Atlesians ignored them.
Leonardo glanced at the screeching Knights of Ni. "Uh, here- here in this forest," he finished.
"No, it is far from this place," Ironwood informed.
Another round of screaming from the Knights of Ni.
"Stop saying the word!" Watts begged.
"They're not getting very far in life not saying "it" either," Ruby said with a laugh.
Ironwood glared at Watts. "Oh, stop it!" he shouted angrily.
"We cannot hear! Ow! He said it again!" Watts screamed.
"Klein!" Ironwood summoned his servant.
Ironwood and company "rode" off as the Knights of Ni continued screaming and flinching in agony.
"Wait! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's!" Watts babbled.
"So, all they had to do was say "it" and be on their way?" Winter said in exasperation.
"That entire shrubbery thing could have been avoided," Ironwood groused as he sipped a glass of water.
"At least they're one step closer to the Holy Grail," Ozpin said optimistically.
Cut to an animated interlude. Ironwood, Oobleck, and Leonardo rode through the gloomy forest.
"And so, James, Oobleck, and Leonardo set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty-four."
The knights ascended a large hill. From a cave dug into the hill beneath them, a huge monster with multiple eyes and sharp teeth peaked out.
"What the hell is that thing?" Qrow said, pointing at the screen.
" Some kind of monster," Nora answered.
"Look at all the eyes it has," Ruby added, weirded out by the beast's appearance.
"Beyond the forest, they met Ozma and Neptune, and there was much rejoicing," the narrator said.
The knight's servants brandished little flags and cheered.
Neptune pouted. "Not for me," he grumbled.
Sun chuckled at his partner being cockblocked earlier at Castle Anthrax.
Cut to another animated segment mountain with the bright sun rising over it. Then an evil looking, blue skinned head sneezed, blowing away the sun. Snow fell over the mountain and the Atlesian knights passed behind the mountain.
"In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Leonardo's minstrels," the narrator continued.
Rhodes cried in terror as he and the minstrels were eaten.
Many audience members gasped in shock or were angered by such a barbaric act.
"Oh my Oum!" Ruby said softly.
"Seriously, Jimmy? Cannibalism?" Qrow reprimanded.
Ironwood himself was horrified, even if it was for survival.
"And there was much rejoicing," the narrator said.
"Yay!" the pages cheered again with their flags waving.
"It was probably Lionheart's idea," Sun assumed.
"As revenge for their singing?" Weiss said with disgust. "They might have been annoying, but that's just deplorable."
"A year passed," the narrator continued.
The camera panned to the right, revealing a cloaked shepherd and two of his sheep shivering atop a hill with a lone tree on it.
"Winter changed into Spring."
All of the snow melted, and the man removed his coat.
"Nice," he said happily.
"I love that feeling," Jaune said happily.
"Me too," Pyrrha seconded with a smile.
"...spring changed into Summer."
Sighing contently, the man lay under the tree.
"...summer changed back into winter."
Snow settled back in, covering the shepherd. He poked his head out of the snow.
"But what happened to autumn?" Penny wondered aloud.
"...and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn," the narrator finished.
The snow around the man melted once more and the tree's leaves above him turned brown.
"There it is," Ruby answered Penny's question.
One of the branches broke off and fell on the man, knocking him off the hill.
"Poor guy," Velvet said sadly.
"At least it wasn't winter all around like in the real Atlas," Yang remarked.
"You're not wrong," Weiss admitted.
Cut to the knights "riding" through a barren wasteland full of rocky hills and craggy outcroppings. Majestic marching music played as they travelled.
Three additional knights had joined Ironwood's group.
"It looks like they've recruited three additional knights," Penny observed.
"They look kind of familiar to me?" Jaune said as he gazed at the screen.
Suddenly, from a nearby ridge, a small explosion could be seen. The startled knights halted in their tracks.
"Eh! Did you see that?" Oobleck asked.
"Was that an explosion?" Blake asked.
"Or maybe, it was a dragon," Nora said excitedly while munching on some popcorn.
"No, I think it's the enchanter mentioned earlier," Jaune reminded.
Knights! Forward!" Ironwood ordered.
The Atlesians advanced up the hill. In the distance, they spotted an elderly, long bearded, man wearing a black cloak and a ram horned helmet. He stood atop a rocky outcropping with a wooden staff in his hand.
"There you are, headmaster," Glynda pointed at the screen.
"So I'm the enchanter," Ozpin observed.
"The one who will lead me to the Holy Grail," Ironwood said, hoping the quest would finally be over.
With a flick of his hands, Ozpin cast fireballs throughout the valley.
He then spotted the knights. In a plume of flames, Ozpin vanished. Then he reappeared before the knights in a puff of smoke.
"So he can teleport as well," Pyrrha pointed out.
"That's a pretty cool trick," Jaune complimented as he sipped a soda.
Ozpin casually cast a few more fireballs at a nearby slope.
"What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?" Ironwood questioned in amazement.
Ozpin faced Ironwood. "I... am an enchanter," he answered.
Ironwood and Oobleck exchanged looks.
"By what name are you known?" Ironwood asked.
"There are some who call me... 'Ozpin'"
"Greetings, Ozpin the Enchanter," Ironwood said politely.
"Greetings, King James!" Ozpin replied.
Ironwood looked surprised. "How does he know my name?"
"He's a wizard. He must know all kinds of things," Jaune rationalized.
"That's a good point," Ren said.
"You know my name?" Ironwood asked.
"I do," Ozpin replied simply as he sprayed a jet of flame from his staff.
"It seems like a waste of magic doing that," Glynda criticized.
"Honestly, if I had magical powers like that, I'd do the same thing," Nora said with a smile.
"Me too," Ruby added giddily.
"You seek the Holy Grail!" Ozpin deducted.
"That is our quest," Ironwood admitted. "You know much that is hidden, O Ozpin."
"Quite," Ozpin said as he cast a fireball at a nearby tree, blowing it to splinters.
The impressed knights applauded Ozpin's display of magic.
Nora, Jaune, Velvet, and Ruby clapped as well.
"Show off," Qrow scoffed.
Ozpin himself wasn't that impressed. His onscreen counterpart was using relatively basic magic compared to those he witnessed during his life as Ozma.
"Yes, we're looking for the Holy Grail," Ironwood confirmed. "Our quest is to find the Holy Grail."
The other knights nodded in agreement.
Ozpin stared at the knights dispassionately.
"He doesn't seem that keen on helping them," Winter pointed out.
"Then maybe Merlot lied to them," Ozpin assumed with a hint of anger.
"No surprise there," Port sneered. "He did teleport them to the Knights of Ni after all."
"And so, we're- we're- we're looking for it," Ironwood stuttered.
"Yes, we are," Ozma confirmed.
"Yeah," Neptune added.
"We have been for some time," Oobleck revealed.
"Ages," Leonardo finished.
"And making little progress," Qrow remarked. "So far they've fled from a three headed giant, massacred a wedding, and escaped a castle full of harlots."
Winter stood up with her fists clenched. "Who are you calling harlots, you miserable drunk?!"
"Yeah! We were both in that castle!" Weiss added furiously.
Qrow held his hands up defensively. "Take it easy! I meant your counterparts," he said.
Winter breathed deeply before sitting back down. "Even so, watch your mouth," she warned.
Ozpin continued to stare at the knights.
"Uh- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh- to help... would be... very... helpful," Ironwood requested awkwardly.
Neptune impatiently approached Ozpin. "Look, can you tell us where-"
Ozpin shot a burst of flame at Neptune's leg, nearly setting it aflame.
Neptune jumped in his seat. "Whoa!" he yelped.
"Be careful, Neptune," Weiss warned.
"Yeah, don't piss him off, bro," Sun added.
"Fine! I don't want to waste any more of your time," Ironwood babbled, trying not to anger Ozpin. "But, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh... tell us where we might find a... um... find a, uh-um- a... uh-"
"A what...?" Ozpin asked threateningly.
"A g- a- a g- a g- a- a g-" Ironwood stuttered.
"S-s-s-cared, Jimmy?" Qrow teased, mocking the onscreen counterparts stutter.
Ironwood and Winter scowled deeply at Qrow.
"A grail?!" Ozpin shouted in question.
The startled knights jumped back at Ozpins outburst.
"Yes. I think so," Ironwood said.
The other knights nodded in agreement.
"Yes!" Ozpin confirmed loudly.
"Well, that's good news," Winter said, relieved the knights were on the right track after all.
"Oh. Thank you," Ironwood said.
"Ahh, splendid" Leonardo added.
Ozpin then launched a few more fireballs at a another slope, blowing rocks to bits in a shower of flames.
"You were right Glynda. That is a vulgar display of power," Ozpin agreed with his colleague.
"He could be mentally unbalanced from being alone so long," Port presumed to explain Ozpins behavior.
"Or he's just showing off to scare them," Qrow guessed.
"Look, um, you're a busy man, uh-" Ironwood said nervously.
"Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail," Ozpin said as he approached Ironwood.
The knights paused again before calming down, relieved by Ozpins offer of support.
"Oh, thank you," Ironwood said gratefully.
"I'm not sure about that," Oobleck doubted. "He doesn't seem very stable to me."
"True. But even so, it'd be good to have a powerful enchanter on their side," Glynda said as she sipped a glass of white wine.
"Plus, it's the only lead they have," Ironwood reminded. "Beggars can't be choosers."
"To the north there lies a cave- the cave of Caerbannog- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Nicholas of Atlas. Make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.
"Where could we find this cave, O Ozpin?" Ironwood asked.
Weiss gasped. "Nicholas? Does he mean our grandfather," she asked in worry.
"Unfortunately, yes, Ms. Schnee," Gold-Sith replied.
Winter and Weiss wore looks of grief.
"Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair," Ozpin warned grimly.
"Fifty men? It must be quite a beast," Port remarked.
"Hopefully their up to the task," Penny said.
"I highly doubt Leonardo is," Qrow joked.
Ruby giggled. "You're right, uncle Qrow. Maybe he'll wet himself again."
"So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth," Ozpin finished as he made a 'pointy teeth' gesture.
"What an eccentric performance," Ironwood noted.
"Indeed. He's nothing like the real me," Ozpin agreed with Ironwood's counterpart.
"As long as he leads them to the right spot," Blake reasoned.
A human skull half buried in the dirt was shown. In the background, Ozpin led the knights along a ridge towards the cave.
The Atlesian servants all made frightened whinnying noises.
"They're nervous, sire," Ozma informed.
"Then we'd best leave them here and continue on foot. Dis-mount!" Ironwood ordered.
The knights "dismounted" their horses and moved on.
Qrow chuckled. "Whatever. It's not like the horses existed to begin with."
"Finally, their stopping with that nonsense," Ironwood said with relief.
Weiss looked worried for Klein. "So, their leaving Klein behind?"
"It's probably for the best. Less chance of being killed by the monster," Ruby reasoned, prompting a nod of agreement from the heiress.
The group approached a low outcropping of rocks. Past it lay the mouth of a large dark cave. Littered outside the cave were human bones.
"Behold the cave of Caerbannog!" Ozpin announced in a low, chilling tone.
"Look at all the bones," Neptune said with horror.
"Ozpin wasn't kidding," Sun added, eating some banana cream pie.
"It looks like they're in for a real challenge this time," Winter said, worried for her commanding officer.
"Right! Keep me covered," Ironwood instructed as he prepared to climb over the outcropping.
"What with?" Neptune asked.
Ironwood paused. "Just keep me covered," he said in an annoyed tone.
"He's going in on his own?" Pyrrha asked with concern.
"I don't think that's a good idea," Glynda said.
"My counterpart is far too reckless," Ironwood remarked.
"Too late!" Ozpin whispered fearfully.
A dramatic chord rang out as Ironwood backtracked behind the outcropping.
"What?" Ironwood asked softly.
Everyone tensed up, expecting a huge monster to emerge.
"Maybe it's that monster we saw in the animation earlier," Nora guessed nervously.
"It could be," Ren agreed with his partner.
Ozpin pointed at the mouth of the cave. "There he is!"
Out of the cave hopped a small white rabbit.
"It's a little bunny rabbit!" Ruby squealed with adoration.
"It's so cute!" Weiss cooed, wishing she could pick up the rabbit and snuggle it.
"Just like Velvet right here," Coco said as she teasingly pinched Velvet's cheek.
Velvet giggled and pushed Coco's hand away. "Oh, stop it."
Winter blinked with apprehension. "But where is the monster?"
"Where?" Ironwood asked.
Ozpin pointed at the rabbit. "There!"
Everyone peered carefully at the screen.
Port squinted his eyes. "I don't see anything," he informed.
"What about you, Blake?" Yang asked her partner.
Blake shook her head. "No. Nothing but the rabbit."
Oobleck scratched his chin in rumination as he sipped his coffee. Something wasn't right about the rabbit.
"What, behind the rabbit?" Ironwood asked.
"It is the rabbit," Ozpin answered fearfully.
There was a short pause amongst the dumbstruck audience.
"What?" several people said in bewilderment.
"Is he kidding?" Neptune chuckled.
"That little thing is his idea of a monster?" Yang asked aloud in annoyance.
Ozpin facepalmed in embarrassment towards his counterparts apparent insanity.
There was a pause before the knights all glared at Ozpin in irritation.
"You silly sod!" Ironwood chided. "You got us all worked up!"
"Well, that's no ordinary rabbit!" Ozpin warned. "That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!"
Qrow shook his head. "Crazy old fool," he said derisively.
"You and Bart were right, Peter. It seems being a hermit for so long has addled his brain," Glynda said, before shooting Ozpin an apologetic look.
"But...what if the rabbit really is the monster?" Oobleck said warily.
Port looked at his partner as if he'd grown a second head. "Oh come now, Bart. That's absurd," he scolded.
"You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!" Leonardo shamelessly admitted.
Everyone laughed at Leonardo's words. Even Ozpin, albeit reluctantly.
"So what else is new?" Qrow quipped.
"You called it, uncle Qrow," Yang giggled.
"Look, that rabbits got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!" Ozpin insisted.
"Get stuffed!" Neptune insulted Ozpin.
"He'll do you up a treat, mate," Ozpin said to Neptune.
"There's definitely something wrong with that rabbit," Oobleck fretted.
Weiss rolled her eyes. "Oh, please," she sneered. "He's as mad as a hatter."
"Yeah. You don't actually believe that nonsense, do you?" Port asked his colleague.
"You mangy old git!" Leonardo insulted Ozpin.
Ozpin pointed at Leonardo. "I'm warning you!"
"What's he do? Nibble your bum?" Leonardo asked mockingly.
Ruby, Nora, Jaune and Velvet all laughed at Leonardo's line.
Ozpin looked flat out ashamed of both his past and present counterparts.
"He's got huge, sharp- eh- he can leap about-" Ozpin rambled on, making gestures with his hands.
Ironwood just grinned and nodded mockingly at Ozpin.
Ozpin gestured at the bones. "Look at the bones!"
Oobleck looked worried. "He does have a point. Where did all the bones come from?"
"Professor, the man is psychotic. He could have killed all those people and simply forgot about it in his madness," Penny retorted logically.
"Penny is right. There's no telling what the mentally ill will do next," Blake added.
Ironwood rolled his eyes at Ozpin's apparent insanity. "Go on, Cardin. Chop his head off!" he ordered.
"Well, I never!" Velvet shouted, crossing her arms in outrage.
Ruby gasped. "No! Don't kill the bunny!" she whined.
"Now you're killing defenseless animals?!" Qrow asked Ironwood, angered by his niece being upset.
"I wouldn't have an innocent animal killed for no reason," Ironwood replied sharply.
"Right! Silly little bleeder," Cardin said, drawing his sword. "One rabbit stew comin' right up!"
Cardin walked confidently towards the seemingly harmless rabbit.
Velvet and Coco clenched the arm rests of their seat after hearing Cardin's words.
"That definitely sounds like something he would do," Blake said angrily.
"I knew I recognized that armor from somewhere," Jaune refered to Cardin.
Oobleck braced himself, expecting something terrible to happen.
"Look!" Ozpin cried as he pointed at Cardin.
With an angry squeak, the rabbit suddenly leapt at Cardin with frightening speed. The knight screamed as the rodent bit into his neck and severed his head from his shoulders. Cardin's decapitated corpse fell to the ground.
Everyone gasped sharply, their eyes widening at the completely unexpected carnage onscreen.
"Oh, my Oum!" Yang, Weiss, and Ruby cried out collectively.
"What the hell?!" Qrow shouted, nearly dropping his flask in surprise.
"It just bit his head off!" Jaune cried, never wishing that on anyone, not even Cardin.
"My Oum! Ozpin was right. That rabbit is a killer!" Port exclaimed.
"I told you so," Oobleck said flatly.
The horrified knights cowered behind the outcropping.
"Sweet Monty!" Ironwood exclaimed with a hand to his mouth.
"I warned you!" Ozpin said in a low voice.
"I've done it again!" Leonardo whimpered.
A few audience members laughed at Leonardo soiling himself. Everyone else was still mortified by Cardin's unexpected death.
"He's going to need a change of armor," Neptune snickered.
"At least one change," Sun added.
"I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you?" Ozpin ranted while Ironwood glared at him. "Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them-"
"Oh, shut up!" Ironwood bellowed.
"Do they listen to me? Oh, no!" Ozpin continued grumbling.
"Right!" Ironwood said as he drew Excalibur. "Charge!"
"With all of them working together, they should be able to handle that beast," Ironwood said confidently.
"Let's hope so. Otherwise, they'll never get to the grail," Winter said.
"Don't do it, Jimmy," Qrow warned in a low voice.
The other knights followed suit as they all charged the rabbit with their swords and shields drawn. The unfazed rodent lunged at the knights. It's murderous speed and small size made it nigh impossible to hit as it zipped around the knights, killing two of them despite their best efforts to fight it.
"Run away!" Ironwood cried, realizing he and his knights were outmatched.
"Run away! Run away!" the other knights chorused as they fled.
Everyone was astounded and terrified at how lethal the rabbit was.
Ironwood hung his head. "Or not..." he muttered, ashamed that he and his knights were humbled by a rabbit.
"That rabbit...is nothing like me," Velvet muttered in shock to her partner.
"Amazing how something so small and innocuous can be so dangerous," Glynda commented.
Nearby, Ozpin just laughed and waved his hand dismissively at the fleeing knights.
"Why didn't Ozpin just kill the rabbit with his fireballs?" Ruby wondered aloud.
"That bunny was lightning fast. I doubt he could get a bead on it," Yang replied, sipping on a soda.
"Or he simply didn't bother trying," Blake added.
The rabbit, now coated with blood, climbed over Russel's corpse, and shook itself.
The knights panted as the returned to the outcropping.
"Right. How many did we lose?" Ironwood asked.
"Russel," Ozma answered.
"Dove," Neptune added.
"And Cardin. That's five," Ironwood said.
"Three, sir," Neptune corrected.
"Three. Three," Ironwood corrected himself. "And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite."
"So how will they enter the cave?" Penny asked.
"There must be some way to kill that beast," Ironwood said in frustration.
"Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?" Leonardo suggested.
"Oh, shut up and go and change your armor," Ironwood ordered.
Leonardo sheepishly walked off.
Yang laughed. "Why do they even keep him around?"
"Comic relief," Blake guessed.
"Let us taunt it!" Neptune said. "It may become so cross that it will make a mistake."
"Like what?" Ironwood asked irritably.
"Well... ooh," Neptune began before falling silent.
Neptune sighed, somewhat embarrassed.
"At least you tried, bro," Sun comforted.
"More than we can say for Sir-soils-himself," Jaune joked, eliciting laughter from the audience.
"Have we got bows?" Ozma asked.
"No," Ironwood answered simply.
Suddenly, Ozma's face lit up. "We have the Holy Hand Grenade."
"Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!" Ironwood said, his confidence returning. "Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Pietro carries with him!"
Penny tilted her head. "My father is a priest in this universe?"
"Holy hand grenade?" Weiss said in puzzlement.
"That sounds out of place for the dark ages," Oobleck said, then remembered the film was a comic parody.
Ironwood turned to a nearby hill. "Brother Pietro! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!" he called up to it.
Atop the hill was a group of trio of monks, including Pietro Polendina dressed in a brown robe and holding a wooden chest.
Penny smiled to see her father onscreen again. "I'm sure my father won't let Ironwood down," she said.
The monks chanted "Blessed Lord Monty, give them rest." as they approached the knights. Brother Pietro handed the chest to Oobleck, who then presented it to Ironwood. The Atlesian king opened the chest and removed the Holy hand grenade.
"Well, this should be a blast," Yang said cheekily.
Everyone groaned at the horrible pun.
"Let's hope that rabbit can't repel the grenade," Pyrrha said, eating some popcorn.
Ironwood examined the weapon. "How does it, um- how does it work?" he asked in confusion.
"I know not, my liege," Ozma replied cluelessly.
"Consult the Book of Armaments!" Jaune ordered Brother Pietro.
"Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one," Pietro said to a nearby monk, Brother Henry Marigold, who stepped forward and opened up the large aforementioned book.
"And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy'," Henry read aloud. "And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large-"
Pietro shot Henry a perplexed look. "Skip a bit, Brother Henry," he instructed.
Qrow, Jaune, Ruby, Yang, and Nora were all laughing at the books wacky readings.
Weiss blinked in perplexity. "Who wrote all of that drivel?" she asked.
"It sounds like something Nora would write," Ren remarked.
Nora shrugged with a grin. "Maybe. Except the part about eating sloths," she replied.
Henry shook his head and continued. "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out."
Yang, Coco, Qrow, and all groaned impatiently. Glynda and Ironwood tapped their fingers on their armrests in equal impatience.
Nora thew her hands up. "All right! We get it! Just blow the rabbit up!" she shouted.
"Get on with it!" Port and Oobleck said together.
"It's not very hard to use a grenade," Winter said irritably.
"Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it," Henry concluded.
Ruby, Jaune, Coco, and Qrow all snickered at the mention of "snuff it".
"That's definitely something I would write," Nora said with a laugh.
"Amen," Pietro concluded.
"Amen," the knights said in unison.
"Right!" Ironwood said as he pulled the grenades pin. "One!... Two!... Five!"
Ironwood sputtered at his counterparts mistake.
"Honestly, James? Even a toddler can count to three," Glynda scoffed.
Qrow laughed. "Remind me to never let you handle a grenade in front of me, Jimmy."
"It seems he suffers from dyscalculia," Oobleck guessed with a smirk.
Ironwood became fed up. "All right, enough already!" he shouted.
"Three, sir!" Neptune corrected quickly.
"Three!" Ironwood said as he threw the smoking Holy hand grenade
An angelic chorus sang out as the grenade landed near the killer rabbit and blew it to pieces.
Velvet looked a bit disturbed but figured it had to be done for Ironwood's journey to continue.
"If only they'd listened to my counterpart. Then Team CDNL might have lived," Ozpin grieved.
"At least the rabbit's finally dead," Ironwood said in exasperation.
Meanwhile, back in the gloomy forest, two Atlesian cops and a detective were examining the now ruined shrubbery. They heard the Holy hand grenade explode in the distance. They homed in on the sound.
"It looks like the authorities are on their trail," Penny observed.
Ironwood blinked in confusion. "But why? They didn't murder Sleet."
"Why are there even modern cops in this setting?" Winter asked in confusion.
"Don't forget, this is a comedy," Ruby reminded.
Author's Note: I slightly altered the dialogue between Ironwood and Watts so that the word "it" isn't mentioned until the line "It can't be done". Unlike in the original movie, the word "it" is uttered several times beforehand, but it had no effect on the Knights of Ni.