Chapter 4: Who I Am (written on June 21st, 2021)
The first day of winter did not disappoint. As if on cue the torturous winds that my friends warned me about came in. The lower I traveled in Sawtooth the colder my surroundings became. My body remembered the cold and began shivering before the real freeze set in which I was thankful for because it wouldn't take long for the first flakes to provide company.
And that was when I remembered that I couldn't just go to my warm den where Hutch and everyone else lived. I chose to be on my own. I was on my own, and I had to prove it by finding or making my own shelter. I decided to do the latter, but before I could scout around for potential digging sites, my jogging was crippled by a thunderous stomach growl. It was then that I suddenly realized how parched I was as well, prompting me to consider eating the few specks of snow that currently fell.
If there was anything that was particularly peculiar about my condition, it was that my body and I had different ways of operating. You can think of it as two distinct personalities. Often, my body would react to stimuli in a way that would suggest that my consciousness and my body were either receiving or processing the stimuli at different rates. This would, for example, cause me to shiver at warmer temperatures than I expect or wait until I practically bake before I start sweating. In regards to senses, I could barely communicate effectively with myself. This symptom was a nuisance that affected me daily. I wished I ate and drank something before I left...
When I was reborn, I noticed I had a pronounced muscular system that rivaled Hutch's. Now, after months of neglect due to inadequate exercise, I was closer to my daughter's. Since I was on my own, I figured I had to get back in shape, so I decided to attempt hunting again.
Hoping my stomach growls wouldn't scare critters away, I imitated Hutch's prowling. I then took deep breaths as I nervously shook from anxiety. In reality, the critters should fear me more, but the thought that they could fight back and bite off one of my toes wouldn't leave, even as I held a staring contest with an innocent-looking rabbit. I slowly approached it, imitating more movements from Hutch and Sasha, the only Alphas I knew in detail.
"Jordan and Jessie will be Betas now," I whispered to myself. Betas were pre-Alphas or Alphas-in-training. The pups would be true Alphas by spring when game will be plentiful.
Distracted by my own thoughts, I didn't notice that the rabbit had disappeared. It appeared that my whispering signaled its departure. "YOU SON OF A—" I stopped myself. At the very least I wasn't going to violate my character.
Katie's character...
For the next few hours, I made multiple attempts to hunt, and all were unsuccessful due to my inability to stay focused during the crucial moments. It was incredibly frustrating. I felt excited about having my freedom, but that freedom came at a cost. I now had to maintain it through work, work that typically Alphas did. Later, I did manage to trap a field mouse by cornering it next to a boulder. It attempted to flee through a small tunnel in the soil, but a swift crushing with my paw put an end to that. I grabbed its tail and dangled the creature above my fully exposed tongue. I couldn't gather the will to drop it. I was insulting myself, resorting to the safest way to get food. Mice were omnipresent. Individually, they were among the most insignificant of critters. Normally, one's image never concerned me, but I believed it mattered this time, for I wanted to be my own genuine wolf, not an imitation. And, as Hutch told me, wolves don't eat mice. We eat caribou, and even untrained Omegas were capable of taking down the great beasts of Canada.
But as insulting as it was, I eventually dropped that mouse. I tilted my head back and allowed my esophagus to engulf it. I felt that I needed to thoroughly take in the sadness of my situation. The coldness was beginning to numb my extremities and it applied to the scene well. I sighed in disappointment which did not end with the mouse.
As the snowflakes grew larger, the need for a shelter increased. I found a suitable spot near a tree that was leaning at an unnatural angle. The uncovered roots offered a framework where an easy den could be built. At first, things went well. My experience with fishing and getting my paws dirty in brownish water helped greatly with easing my anxiety when it came to moving dirt. I dug deeper until I reached the clay layer. I was tempted to follow Sasha's example, but I slapped my face. "Do it yourself!" I took the clay and spread it to areas that would become the den's walls. The clay would hold the loose dirt together. But, for whatever reason, my walls kept collapsing. Like with hunting, I was missing something fundamental.
Once again I was getting frustrated, so I left the top of the den open. I proceeded to lie down in the small depression. Soon the howling wind swiftly weathered away the incomplete walls into nothingness. At this point, I didn't care. I was ready to define myself as a failure. The wolf who couldn't wolf. The latter of the two wolfs was a verb.
I just wanted to be independent. I just wanted to be Katie... But instead, I'm stuck in limbo between Katie and Kate. And in the middle of this mess was a wolf who continued to quietly engross me, the one who banished me and potentially held the power to decide who I was going to be, for he already knew, more than anybody, who I used to be.
Humphrey.
Later...
"Fore!" I heard someone yell. Unexpectedly, my eyes opened as fast as they could. My ears perked and twitched, searching for the source of the yell. Something amazing happened... For the first, I remembered something before my rebirth!
For a long time, I believed Kate was dead, but now... a tiny piece of her resurfaced and welcomed me. Finally... this was my chance, if it's even possible, to reclaim my original life! Surely, one memory would only lead to another then another, and I would ride a clear path to view my daughter as someone more than a good friend. Yes, I wanted to be Katie, but if Hutch was wrong, and Kate still lived, I would rather be her. While Kate had purpose, I did not. While wolves liked Katie, wolves loved Kate. I didn't need any more convincing. I crawled out of my terrible den and scanned the area. Thankfully, the snowing had ceased for now.
And there they were. I recognized them! The two birds! One was a goose, the other a duck. I couldn't recall their significance. I approached them nonetheless.
"Hey! Hey, you two!" I shouted with a grin. I sprinted towards them. Both of them were carrying these weird objects, but I didn't question it. I was just glad to see them!
"Kate? Is that you?" said the duck. He had a strange accent.
"Oui! It's Ms. Fast!" said the goose with an even stranger accent. Once again I ignored the weird details. I was out of breath when I halted.
"Hey! Who are you?!" The two birds exchanged looks of confusion. "I just know you two!"
"Well, good heavens, Kate, of course, you know us!" said the duck. "We never thought we would see you here again!"
"But what are your names?" I asked
"You don't remember our names?" the goose replied.
"Oh, my! What happened to your teeth!"
"Accident, duck. The same thing that made me lose my memory."
"Um, it's Paddy," the duck replied.
"Paddy!" I exclaimed. "Paddy! Paddy!"
"Yes, that's my name..." I gave the bird a hug. Both of them looked beyond confused. "You said something about an accident?"
"Yes! Yes! They said I was in a train car, and I got hit by a piece of metal. We don't know what it was exactly. It was something called a 'metal sign.' Humans make crazy things... like those sticks you guys have."
"Who's 'we'?" asked the goose. He seemed insulted after I called the object he carried a "stick."
"My group," I replied. "Hutch, Jasmine, and Sasha."
"Sasha! We know her!" said Paddy
"You do?"
"Yeah! We talked to her two days ago. She wanted to know a way to Jasper Park."
"Oh! You're the two birds she mentioned! Wow! But how do I know you guys? Like I said, I lost my memory."
"We helped you and Humphrey get to Jasper," said the goose. Humphrey! The name screamed in my head. He is involved!
"Who is Humphrey?!" I questioned. "What do you know about him?!"
"Well, we don't know that much about him," Paddy replied. "He was just the wolf that accompanied you when you guys were relocated to Sawtooth because of humans. We helped him and you get back to Jasper. It was pretty obvious to us that you guys liked each other, but something about 'pack law' prevented you guys from being together. The last time we saw you, you were marrying this other wolf."
"Other wolf?!" I exclaimed. I sat down and held my head in pain. "Ughhh! I'm still getting fragments of this story! Dang memory!"
"A lot has happened in Jasper since we left it seems," said the goose. "Do you know what's going on?"
"Not everything, but I heard Jasper was overrun by Rogue wolves. That's the main reason we left."
"Rogue wolves? What are those?"
"My group tells me they are zealots, Alphas who believe Omegas are an abomination to wolfkind, so they try to exterminate them."
"Oh mon Dieu! This is the same kind of thing that the French Résistance fought against!"
"And the Irish fought against," the duck added.
"Also, Humphrey is the Pack Leader to the Western Pack. Hutch told me it was possible that Humphrey wanted to kill me personally."
"This just gets worse and worse. Looks like we're not visiting Jasper this year, Marcel," said Paddy.
"I want you guys to help me though! Please... I need my memory. You guys were my first breakthrough. Do you guys know anything that could help me?!" The duck then whispered something to the goose.
"Ahh, yes, we can show you something that's not too far!" said Marcel. "Follow us!" The birds took flight. Feeling as excited as ever, I followed them from below. I couldn't believe I was finally a step closer to discovering who I was. I wondered what discoveries awaited!