Chapter 7
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
"Strong Enough", Sheryl Crow
"How's he doing?" Calleigh asked Alexx when she got home.
"I don't think he's asleep yet," Alexx said. "He wasn't interested in eating."
"No, I don't imagine so," Calleigh said.
"You're still going over to Horatio's tonight?" she asked.
"Yeah," she said. "I know I said I wasn't going to leave him alone with this, but…"
"I think it's a good idea, honey," Alexx said. "You need some sleep too. Let me worry about him tonight."
"I just…I don't know what to think anymore," she said in a small voice.
"I know," Alexx said. "It will all work out. I'm sure of it. I think he's just as scared as you are now."
"God. I don't want that, either," she sighed.
"Go tell him where you're going," Alexx said.
"He's going to be upset, I think," she said.
"I think he'll understand," Alexx said. "Tim certainly understands needing time alone to think."
"True." She closed her eyes. "All right."
She walked down the hall to the bedroom. Tim was still awake, fighting sleep. "Hey," she said, gently, sitting down on the bed. "How are you feeling?"
"Not so great," he admitted, blinking hard to keep his eyes from shutting.
"Were you trying to wait up for me?" she asked.
"Yeah," he said.
"Oh, sweetie," she whispered, her resolve nearly escaping. She didn't say anything for a long moment. "I have something to tell you," she said, finally.
"Mmm?" he asked, his face creasing into a sleepy frown.
"I'm going to go stay with Horatio tonight," she said, simply. "I'll be back in the morning, but…well, I…I don't know. I just…need to not be here tonight."
"Oh," he said, slowly. He sucked on his bottom lip a moment. "Ok," he said, finally.
"I'll be back in the morning," she repeated. "I promise. It's just I need some sleep too. And I think I'd be too worried and, well, too scared to get it if I stayed here. So, Alexx is going to stay with you tonight."
"Ok," he said again.
"I love you," she said, uncertainly.
"I love you, too," he said.
"It's not that…" she said. "Well."
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
"I know," she said. "I'm sorry, too." She reached out and kissed his forehead. "Sleep, ok? Don't fight. I'll be here in the morning, probably even before you wake up, ok?"
"Ok," he said, eyes drooping.
"Good night, honey."
"Night," he mumbled, before dropping off completely. She sat and made sure he was well and truly out before getting up and leaving the room.
A little while later, she knocked on the door of Horatio's condo, feeling thoroughly worthless. "Hi," she said, despondently when he answered the door.
"Hey," Horatio said, gently. "Come on in."
"Thanks for letting me stay over," she said.
"It's no trouble at all," he said, leading her down a hallway. "Here's the guest room. The bathroom is across the hall if you want to get cleaned up or anything."
"Would you mind horribly if I took a shower?" she asked.
"Of course not. Go right ahead. I'm going to see what I can do about some dinner, ok?" he asked.
"Fine. I won't be long," she said. He nodded and went back down the hallway. She found her shower things and pajamas in her bag and went into the bathroom.
The hot water felt ridiculously good, considering it was nearly 90 degrees outside. She stood numbly under the spray, eyes closed, trying to chase away the awful images from the kitchen. It was worse than the warehouse; she'd never seen the actual warehouse, just photographs from the scene. It had all been imagination. But this time it was real. It was the kitchen she sat in every day.
Suddenly, she was sobbing. She cried so hard, she wound up crouched down on the floor of the shower. How could he do this to us? I can't lose him, I don't know what I'd do. Why the hell do I love him so much if he could do something like that, she thought.
The water was cold when she finally straightened up. She turned it off and got out of the shower. Her eyes were red and her face was blotchy from crying, but there was no help for it. She sighed and went to join Horatio in the kitchen.
"I called for pizza," Horatio said, when she came in. "I haven't been to the store this week, so there's not much."
"No, pizza is fine," she said, vaguely, sitting down across from him.
"Are you all right?" Horatio asked.
"I…maybe, no?" she said.
"I'm sorry," Horatio said. "Maybe I shouldn't have sent him home."
"No, you should have. He shouldn't have gone to work. I didn't even know he was going to," she said.
"He did it on purpose, didn't he?" Horatio asked, uncomfortably.
Calleigh closed her eyes. "It's not really clear. Andy said it was deliberate, but not intentional, if that makes any sort of sense whatsoever."
"He did it on purpose, but he didn't mean to?" Horatio blinked.
"Something like that. I mean, it's clear that the knife didn't just slip, although that's what Tim says happened. He had to have done it himself. But he says he didn't intend to hurt himself. Andy believes him," Calleigh replied.
"What do you think?" Horatio asked.
"I…don't know. It's true that he's not ever really shown any propensity for self-mutilation before. Tim's idea of self-destructive generally involves not eating and driving around town trying not to crash into anything, but probably secretly hoping he will. Or picking fights with Eric, and half hoping Eric would pound him. Obviously that one's not an option anymore, but he could have gotten on his bike. I'm glad he didn't, but not if this was the result, I think," she said, slowly.
"Right," Horatio said, grimly.
"Andy did say, however, that it was not a suicidal action, at all. He's pretty certain Tim wasn't trying for that, whatever else he was doing. Tim knows plenty well enough about how things work that he could have done that very easily, but he didn't," she said.
"That's a relief," Horatio said.
"It is," she agreed. "Now if we could figure out what he was thinking in the first place…actually, I don't think we will. I will be surprised if he can actually tell us anything other than he already has. This is going to be one of those things he can't remember, I think," she sighed. "He hasn't been…well, sad, I guess, though. I don't understand what happened, at all. He's been doing really, really well."
"Someone told me once that depression isn't sadness, it's anger turned inward," Horatio suggested. "He was certainly angry."
"Hmm," Calleigh said. "That's not exactly comforting. But it makes more sense, I suppose."
"His doctor is putting him back on the sleeping pills?" Horatio asked.
"Yeah. He thinks the insomnia is obviously a bigger problem than the medication," Calleigh sighed.
"Even though they're addicting?" Horatio asked.
"There's a new one that came out recently that's supposed to be able to be used for long term use," she said. "But you know, I don't care if they're addicting if it means I never have to walk into a room and find Tim covered in blood again."
"This is a good point," Horatio agreed.
"Yes," she said.
The pizza came and she ate mechanically. It was chain pizza, which she hadn't had since moving in with Tim. He hated pizza chains. Said the pizza was always cardboard. Another legacy of his experiences in New York. She couldn't have told the difference between the two right now.
"What are you thinking?" Horatio asked.
"I don't know," she admitted. "On one hand, I feel like I'm bad person for leaving tonight. On the other hand, I'm not sure I could have stayed."
"I don't think you're a bad person. Was Tim upset?" Horatio asked.
"I don't think he could be upset about anything right now if he wanted to," Calleigh said. "I think they gave him extra Ativan at the hospital. Plus, he's so exhausted, I don't think he's got any capacity to feel much right now. But no, I don't think he was pleased I left."
"I think he probably understands, though," Horatio said.
"I know. I think that might be worse," she sighed. "Anyway."
"I think you did the right thing. You need some rest. He needs some rest," Horatio said.
"That's what Alexx said," she replied.
"Well, Alexx is very rarely wrong," Horatio said, with a raised eyebrow.
"I know." She shook her head. "I'm tired and not thinking straight."
"Then go on to bed," Horatio said. "You certainly could use an early night, I think."
"Yes," she agreed. "Thank you."
"Anytime," Horatio replied, with a small smile. "Would you like me to wake you when I go in the morning?"
"Please," she said. "I promised Tim I'd be back in the morning. He'll probably still be asleep- at least I hope he'll be- but I want to keep the promise."
"Good. I will see you in the morning, then," he said.
"See you," she sighed as she got up from the table.
She'd half expected to toss and turn in the unfamiliar bed, but she was out like a light almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. An early night, apparently, had been just what she needed.