Chapter 8
When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
"Winter", Tori Amos
Tim rubbed absently at the bandage on his arm as he sat next to Calleigh at the pharmacy. She had, in fact, been home before he woke up, for which he was glad. But she'd been oddly quiet the whole day. He didn't know what to say to her, and she didn't seem to want to say much to him. He sighed.
"Tired?" she asked, glancing at him.
"Yeah," he said.
"What else did Andy say other than he's switching your sleeping meds?" she asked.
"Something about coming up with a schedule so I don't have a whole lot of extra time on my hands and so I kind of get more into a routine so eventually maybe we can get me off the sleeping pills. He seems to think the not sleeping thing is what triggers a lot of the worst stuff, so that needs to not happen," he said.
"Good," she said.
The pharmacist waved at him to tell him his prescription was ready. He sighed and levered himself up from the chair to go pay for it. "Ready?" he asked, turning back to Calleigh. She nodded and headed towards the front of the store.
They were quiet in the car again. She was driving. He wanted to say something, but didn't know how. "I'm sorry," he said, finally. It was the only thing he knew to say.
"I know," she sighed. The way she said it implied that of course he was sorry, but it really wasn't good enough. But what was good enough?
"Look, Calleigh," he said, slowly, "you need to tell me what you're thinking. I can't just figure it out. I barely know what I'm thinking or feeling at any given moment. I'm really not capable of figuring you out too. I know you're upset with me. But I don't know how to fix it unless you tell me what it is you need!"
She blinked. "I don't expect you to figure out what I'm feeling," she said.
"But you are," he said. "You're upset, I got that. And I kind of get why, but there's something else wrong and I just don't know what."
"Well, of course I'm upset, Tim. You cut the hell out of your arm. In the middle of the kitchen. On purpose. So, yeah, I'm not exactly happy about that," she said. They were home by that point, sitting in the car in the carport.
"I didn't know it was happening," he protested.
"So how do you know it won't happen again?" she asked. "How can I trust you to know it's not going to happen again? Because now I've got a picture in my head of you covered in blood in the kitchen and I know you don't remember that, but I have to now," she said, getting a bit more heated.
"I just spent an hour coming up with a plan with Andy so it won't happen again," he said.
"Plans fall through, Tim," she said, simply.
"Then I'll come up with a backup plan. Is that what you want?" he asked.
"It's not that simple," she said.
"Calleigh, I didn't know it was going to happen in the first place. I can't promise you it won't happen again. I can promise to do my best, but I'm getting the idea that my best isn't good enough for you," he said.
"It's not that, Tim," she said, with a sigh. "It's…oh, I don't know," she said, shaking her head. She got out of the car and headed for the house.
He followed her. They went in the house and she sat down on the couch. He stood in the doorway and looked at her. She sat with her arms folded tightly around her, and just looked at him. "Do you want to walk away?" he asked. "Leave now?"
"What?" she asked, a startled expression crossing her face. "Don't be silly." But the way she said it didn't sound like he was being silly at all.
"I'm not. I'm saying, if this is going to make it so you can't be happy, then maybe we ought to leave it go here," he said, softly. "I don't…I don't want you staying just because you're scared of what might happen if you go. I'll be ok. I'll be upset, but I'll be ok."
"Do you want me to leave?" she asked, half incredulously.
"No," he said simply. "I really don't. But I want you to be happy."
"Tim…" she said, but stopped. "I don't know. I can't think," she said. "I mean, part of me is wondering how in the world I can trust you anymore."
"I didn't mean for it to happen," he said, finding that he had to try very hard not to snap the words at her. This was frustrating. He could feel his irritation rising. He stopped short on what he was about to say, and scrubbed a hand over his face. When he opened his eyes, he saw that she was looking at him with a mixture of irritation, fear, and worry. "Ok," he said, taking a deep breath. "All right. Look, I'm still pretty damn tired. You're probably also tired. I think we're both a bit more than a little stressed out. I don't think this conversation is going to help either of us right now. Let's do this. I'll call Alexx and see if I can stay over there tonight. You can stay here and think things through, or not, whatever you want."
"Tim, it's your house, if anyone's going to go…" she started.
"Calleigh. You live here too," he said, gently. "You left last night. You stay here tonight."
That brought her up short. "Ok," she said, softly.
"All right, then," he said. He turned around and went into the kitchen and grabbed the phone from the counter to dial Alexx's number. As the phone rang in his ear, he looked at the kitchen. It had been cleaned up, probably by Alexx. He really had no memory of any of it- he couldn't even remember where he'd been standing, or which knife it had been. Calleigh did, though.
"Hello?" Alexx answered the phone.
"Hey, Alexx?" he said.
"Hi, baby. What's up?" she asked.
"Can I stay over at your place tonight?" he asked.
"Well, of course. Is everything ok?" she asked.
"Sort of," he said. "I mean…well, I don't know, exactly. Calleigh kind of needs to think," he explained.
"Ah," Alexx said. "You're certainly welcome to come over, then. Peter and the kids are out of town at his parents', so it's just me. Do you need me to come get you?"
"No, Andy said I don't have to be watched anymore. I'll come over myself," he said.
"All right, sweetie. Come on whenever," she said. "I'll see you in a bit."
"Thanks, Alexx. I'll be there in a little while," he said, hanging up. He went into the bedroom to get his pajamas, then back to the kitchen to get his medication together. Calleigh was still in the living room. He poked his head into the room and said. "I'm going to go. I'll be back in the morning. Unless you call and tell me otherwise," he said.
"Ok," she said, softly, not quite looking at him.
"I love you," he said, half helplessly.
"I love you, too," she said, still not looking at him. "It's not…"
"I know," he said. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Ok," she said, closing her eyes. He looked at her for a moment more, then went out the back door.
Alexx was sitting on her porch swing when he arrived. "Hello, sugar," she said, as he got out of the car.
"Hi," he sighed. He came and sat next to her.
"Did you and Calleigh have a fight?" she asked.
"Not exactly. It probably would have been if I hadn't left, though. I didn't want that," he said. "She's upset with me."
"She's scared," Alexx said.
"Well, so am I," he said. "She said she didn't know if she could trust me not to do this again."
"Ah," Alexx said. She was quiet for a long moment.
"I just want her to tell me what she wants me to do," he said. "I mean, I'll do it. I just need to know what it is."
"I know," Alexx said. "She loves you, honey. She's just worn out right now. It'll work out."
"I hope so," he said. "I never wanted this before. It's different than it was with Bridget."
"It's hard for you," Alexx said.
"But I think it's ok," he said. "I'd miss her if she left."
"Was she talking about leaving?" Alexx asked, frowning.
"No. I asked if she wanted to. I don't want her to stay because she's afraid of what would happen to me if she left. I want her to stay because she wants to," he said.
"Ah," Alexx said. "Well, love, I don't know what to tell you, other than it'll be ok."
He shrugged. "Yeah."
"Have you had dinner?" she asked.
"No," he said.
"Well, let's see what we can find. A little food, some more sleep, and you'll be much better," Alexx said, getting up and walking towards the door.
"Ok," he shrugged, following her. He hoped Alexx was right. But he wouldn't feel certain of it until he saw Calleigh in the morning. He had a feeling that would tell him all he needed to know.