Chapter 9
But I'm warning you, don't ever do
those crazy, messed up things that you do
If you ever do
I promise you I'll be the first to crucify you
Now it's time to prove that you've come back
here to rebuild.
"Call and Answer", Barenaked Ladies
Calleigh heard the back door close as Tim left. She wanted to call after him, but couldn't bring herself to move. She really did not know what she wanted anymore. Part of her wanted to say, "ok, it happened, let's move on," but part of her was completely scared to be a part of this anymore.
She sighed and stood up to wander around the house. She was so used to thinking of it as Tim's house that he'd surprised her when he reminded her that she lived there too. All spring he'd been trying to get her to talk about how she wanted to set up this and that around the house. It wasn't a very big house, and while Tim didn't have a lot of random stuff, he did have a gigantic book collection that had taken over the office and a good part of the living room. There just wasn't a whole lot of space in those two rooms for her things. She hadn't minded, really, and she'd kept putting off making a decision of where she wanted some of her things set up. They'd been so busy, her with work and him with work and school. Now she wondered if in the back of her mind if she'd been putting off the decisions because she was half afraid something like this would happen and she'd be faced with making a decision to stay or go. Because that was what it boiled down to- did she want to move on with Tim, or did she want to leave him behind and go start over on her own. Both choices made her stomach hurt right now.
The kitchen drew her in, and she stood in the doorway and looked at it. Alexx had cleaned it up before she'd even gotten home yesterday; Calleigh knew that was part of why Alexx had suggested that she go to the drug store for peroxide and pain meds for Tim. But she could still see where he'd stood and where the blood had pooled on the floor. She shook her head sharply and made herself walk in to get something to eat from the fridge. She wasn't hungry, but it was dinnertime. Crackers and cheese and an apple were good enough.
She took the food back into the living room and turned on the television. The movie they'd tried to watch the other night was still in the DVD player. It would do well enough while she ate.
The phone rang as the movie was finishing up. She answered, unsure if she hoped it was Tim or not. "Hello?"
"Calleigh? How are you?" It was her mother. She didn't want to talk to her mother.
"I'm…" she started to answer, but found herself in tears.
"Calleigh? What's wrong?" her mother asked. "Are you and Tim fighting or something?"
"I don't know," she wailed. "I can't tell if we were fighting or not."
"Honey, I'm confused," her mom said.
"Me too," she admitted. She caught her breath and explained the whole situation to her mom, telling her about Tim's exhaustion and cutting himself and her uncertainty. "So now, I don't know if I can trust him. Who's to say he won't do it again? Who's to say it won't be worse next time?"
"Oh, honey," her mother sighed.
"I don't know what to do," Calleigh said.
"Well, honey, you've got two choices. You can leave and be unhappy, or you can trust that he's going to be all right."
"How do you trust someone who does these sorts of things?" Calleigh asked.
"You just close your eyes and take the leap," her mother said.
Calleigh thought for a moment. "Do you trust Daddy?" she asked.
"I do," her mother said. "I trust that he'll always come home eventually."
"But…" Calleigh said, trailing off.
"Honey, your daddy has hurt me, that's true. And he's hurt you, that's true too. And I think part of your problem here is that you're worried that if you stay with Tim it'll wind up being like your daddy and me. But honey, Tim's not your daddy. He's getting help, right?" her mom asked.
"Yes," Calleigh agreed.
"Well, right there is a big difference," her mom said. "Calleigh, is this boy your 'in sickness and in health' guy?"
"Oh, no, Mom, it's way too early for that sort of thing," Calleigh said, shaking her head.
"Calleigh Marie," her mother said, in that "don't you lie to me" tone that all mothers possess.
"Ok, yes," Calleigh admitted. "I think so."
"Then what are you afraid of?" her mother said. "Listen, honey, when it comes to these kinds of things with the people you love, you've got to love them and trust that they can take care of themselves. You've been trying to take care of Tim for so long that I think that's what's got you in knots. The boy can take care of himself. He seems like a very capable young man."
"Mom, Tim's really not any good at…wait, how would you know?" she asked, confused.
"I've had several conversations with Tim, Calleigh," her mother replied.
"You have?" Calleigh asked, incredulously.
"You're not always home when I call, honey. And you really didn't think I wasn't going to try and get to know the man my only daughter is living with, now, did you? I think Tim's a very nice person, even if he is a Yankee," her mother replied.
"Huh," Calleigh said. "He never says anything more than that you called."
"He's not that talkative, is he?" her mother asked.
"Not entirely, no," Calleigh had to admit. "Ok, fine, you've talked to Tim."
"Yes, I have," her mother said.
"And you don't think I'm making a mistake if I stay?" she asked.
"I don't think so, no, but it's not for me to say," her mother pointed out. "Honey, if you can love him, then stay. If you can't, then go."
"Well, thanks, Mom, you've been a load of help," Calleigh said sarcastically.
"Sarcasm is unbecoming of a lady," her mother said primly.
"Yes, yes, I know," she sighed. "All right."
"Are you still coming down at the end of July?" her mother asked.
"Yes, I'm still coming down," Calleigh said. "I bought the plane tickets last week. I'll send you the flight info."
"Good. Are you bringing Tim with you?" her mother asked. "If you decide to stay, that is."
Calleigh sighed. "No. His brother is going to school down here this fall, and that's the weekend he's moving in, so Tim's family will be here."
"Wow. That early?" her mother asked.
"Matt's going to be on the swim team, and they've got orientation or training or something like that starting the first week of August, I guess," Calleigh explained.
"Ah," her mother said. "Well, I'll be sorry to miss him."
"Yeah," Calleigh said.
"Ok, honey, I'll let you go. You think about what I said, now, you hear?" her mother said.
"I will," she replied. "Thanks."
"You're welcome. Call me and let me know how it all turns out."
"Ok, Mom. Talk to you later," Calleigh said. "Love you."
"Love you too, honey. Bye, now," her mother said, before hanging up the phone.
Calleigh followed suit and sighed heavily. Now what? she thought. "Well, what do you think?" she asked the cat who was trying to climb up onto the couch.
Toast meowed at her and she sighed, lifting him up into her lap. "Right." She stared off into the distance as she pet the cat.
Time passed without her being entirely aware of it. She was lost in thought. Either option seemed to lead to someone being hurt, and she couldn't decide which was the right one.
At some point, when it was early morning, she heard a car pull into the driveway. She blinked as she realized she'd stayed up all night thinking. The front door opened slowly and a groggy seeming Tim walked into the house. He pulled up short as he saw her sitting on the couch.
"Hi," she said, softly.
"I didn't want to miss you," he said. "If you were going to work, I mean."
"Ah," she said. "Come here."
He walked over to the couch and sat down next to her. "Are you all right?" he asked.
"I think so," she said.
"Ok," he said, not seeming to know what to say. She sighed.
"I was scared," she said. "I was scared I'd lose you so I thought maybe I should go so if I had to lose you, at least it was under circumstances I could control."
"I see," he said, slowly.
"But that's…not right, either. I don't know really what the right answer is," she said.
"Does there have to be a right answer?" he asked. "Can't there just be, I don't know, something to start with and go from there?"
She thought for a minute. "I don't know."
"We can work on things, you know. I'm getting really good at working on things," he said, sounding a bit hopeful.
She laughed a little. "Yes, you are." She was quiet again. "My mom said I had to just trust you to take care of yourself. That I can love you, but I shouldn't try to take care of you anymore"
"I can just imagine what you said to that," he said, wryly.
"I was more surprised that you two have been talking to really say anything," she said, with a raised eyebrow.
"You talk to my mom at least once a week," he replied, with an eyebrow raise of his own.
"True," she said. "Anyway, I think she's right. I've been trying to take care of you for so long that I get overwhelmed. And when this happened, all I could think was, oh, no, I can't do this anymore."
"That's understandable," he said. "I really can take care of myself. And if I can't, and if you can't, there's other people who can, you know."
"I know. I keep forgetting that," she said.
"There's not so many people who can love me, though," he pointed out.
"I think you're right. There's not many people who can love you like I do," she admitted.
"So let's do that," he said. "Because I love you and I don't want you to go."
"I love you too, and I don't think I want to go, either," she said.
"So we start with that. That's good enough for a start, isn't it?" he asked. She could see the anxiety and hope in his face. It made her feel better about the decision- he really did want her to stay. It wasn't just her.
"I think that's good enough, yes," she said, reaching out and taking his hand.
"Good," he said, relieved. He smiled tentatively at her, and squeezed her hand.
She sighed and leaned her head against his shoulder. He turned and kissed the top of her head. "I'm tired."
"Me too," he said. She smiled and turned to lean up to kiss him. "Do you have to go to work?" he asked.
"Nope," she said, in between kisses. "I might go in and get caught up on some stuff later, but I want a nap first."
"A nap," he said, kissing her again. "Is that a suggestion?"
"Yup," she said, standing up and drawing him to his feet. He hugged her tightly. She left her arm around his waist as they headed for the bedroom. Good enough is a good place to start, she thought. We don't have to be perfect on the first try, I think.