Idle Thoughts of You and Us
She knew staring at the boss the way she did was not appropriate. Then again she doubted the thoughts that flickered through her mind as she stared were very appropriate. She often wondered if he knew how she really felt. She wondered if the others had an idea what was going through her mind whenever he spoke to her or touched her. Sometimes she was sure she was as transparent as glass, sure that Warrick or Catherine were reading her mind, flicking through the pages of her anthology of Grissom. She knew the stare she was giving him could bore holes through him and that soon she would have to return her focus to her work, but those were just secondary thoughts. Her mind was filled primarily with him. In these moments of weakness she could at least imagine a life with him. She would imagine him realising what he was missing out on without her. She imagined a sudden romantic act which often involved him almost losing her and how he would realise he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. She imagined his arrival on her doorstep, carrying flowers and eager to propose. She imagined a wedding, children, a life together. She often berated herself for these thoughts. She had fantasised about men before but none had been as intense as those she had about Grissom. He had been consuming more and more of her time. Before, she had rarely slipped into her fantasy world, she could control it. Now the smallest action from him would push her into a daydream. But the daydreams she could handle, it was the night time that worried her. For years her nights had been sleepless, filled with nightmares about her past but recently she had dreamed of him and their future together. She would awake covered in perspiration not from a nightmare but from what she had imagined was an intense night of love making with Grissom. After intense nights she would sit and dwell on the thought of his touch, the feel of his lips against hers, the warmth of his body. She would wonder if he was as good as she imagined, she was sure he was. She was confident he would know exactly what she wanted without ever having to verbally communicate it. She would justify her thoughts to ease the guilty feelings that sometimes followed. How could she think these things? How could she think these things about him? The answer was simple - he was Grissom. She had known the moment she first saw him. She remembered the fierce attraction she had felt, an attraction that grew wilder. She knew why she thought these things - he was Grissom. He was the man she had left California for. He called for she and she had responded. He was the man she turned o when she finally admitted o herself that she needed help. He was the man that would offer her help and unconditional support. He was the man she loved and who she knew loved her back. Justification was a sad process that would make her crumble. Justification was followed by realisation. She loved him and he loved her but nothing would ever come of it. She would love him forever but the only life she would ever have with him would be in her mind. She smiled sadly to herself. She knew what they would miss out on and it upset her. She wished he knew but was glad he didn't; it saved him from suffering the way she did. She stared at him a moment longer then returned her focus to her work which now consumed all her thoughts.