I Shall Believe
Part Three
Seems Like Every Time I Try to Make It Right It All Comes Down On Me…
He sat in his car, unable to move. Her head was buried in her hands so he wasn't surprised that she hadn't seen his headlights. The sounds of the ferry boats below, the traffic, and life in general, they were all greater than him. She must have been overwhelmed… he felt guilty. She was already dealing with so much and he knew that about her. He wasn't Finn. He had been there, he knew WHY she was scary and damaged. He loved her in part because of it.
This is it… It's not going to wait until morning anymore, this has to be it.
He thought to himself. Derek was hoping he'd have more time to think, to compose himself, to get over the scent of her hair, the feel of her skin, the way her lips felt against his, he was hoping to be a little less captivated.
This isn't about you. Just look at her, she needs to hear what's real, not what you've planned. You don't deserve time to plan this out.
With that, he stepped out of the car. Placing his first foot down onto the gravel of the make-shift parking lot, he felt so heavy, as if everything had been building up for the 6 months that he had been without her. Now he was a man on a mission. After a deep breath and tussle of his hair, he took a few steps, she finally turned towards him. Her face in the moonlight, her body slumped down like it was defeated, even in the dark; the look in her eyes broke his heart.
"Meredith, I have to tell you…"
"Not now, Derek. Please, not now."
"No, you have to let me ex…"
"Explain? Seriously, Derek? You want to explain!"
He could feel the anger in her veins… but he couldn't blame her one bit. He had left her, 6 months ago with so little to go on. She stood up and took a step towards him. There was a tear rolling down her cheek and again, his heart was breaking a little more.
"Just because you left her doesn't mean what happened can just go away!"
"I know, I just…"
She was sobbing now, her body trembling.
"FINN HAD PLANS! I was moving on and he had plans that involved ME. Not 'involved me depending on what flight his ex-wife was planning in flying in on' plans, but PLANS."
Derek looked down and sighed.
"You don't get to sigh here, Derek. I didn't choose someone else over you!"
"Meredith, I just have to…" he started, while moving towards her. His sentence was stopped when she put her hands on his chest and pushed him away. He felt a tear roll down his cheek. He never knew how much she could hurt him. He couldn't believe that the woman he loved, more than anything in the world, was pushing him away.
"DEREK, PLEASE… DON'T DO THIS! DON'T FORCE ME TO MAKE THE SAME DECISION."
"DAMNIT MEREDITH, PLEASE! JUST LISTEN… I LOVE YOU! I MADE THE WRONG DECISION."
His voice was raised to the point where she actually felt compelled to let him get a word in. She had never heard that tone in him before.
"Is that what you wanted to hear? I screwed up. I tried to do what I thought was the RIGHT thing, the NOBLE thing, and it didn't work. Because being noble, being right…none of it gives me you."
He looked at her and then found himself starring out towards the ferry boats that he admired so much.
"I broke your heart; I ruined what I love more than ferry boats, more than fishing, more than surgery, more than The Clash, more than anything… I tore that apart. I hate myself so much for that. I wake up with this feeling in my stomach, one that makes me feel like I've committed the most deadly sin. And I'm starting to trust that feeling. I'm ending my marriage, maybe I should have 6 months ago, maybe part of me needed this time to realize what an amazing thing I have in you…"
He looked back at her and stepped closer to her, leaving maybe a foot between them.
"But Meredith, I love you. I wanna help you get rid of the "obvious daddy issues" again. I want to be YOUR boy in the bars. I want to put back together what I know I broke. So what do I have to do? The stereo over my head outside your window? Okay. You want cheesecake? It's yours. I'll find every piece of cheesecake in Seattle. In all of Washington if that's what it takes. You can hate my music, none of that matters to me. Just tell me, Meredith… what do I have to do to make you pick me? To make you choose me? And love ME? What? ANYTHING. Just please, tell me."
With that she stared into his eyes. The eyes she had once trusted and loved so much. She saw so much truth in them. There was a pain there this time though… it was as if he had become somewhat lost. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. He wasn't supposed to leave his wife NOW. That should have happened in the first place. She was trying to move on. Her days of lying in bed, dreading sunrise were supposed to be over. Her eyes were filled with tears, she was still shaking and her voice was lowered.
"Derek…I lo…I have to go."
She ran towards her Jeep and struggled with the handle. She finally managed to maneuver it open and climb into the light blue Cherokee. Soon the sun would be coming up and part of her knew that being there, with him, when the sun came up… it would be too surreal. It would be more than she could handle. Part of her already knew the decision she had to make, but she couldn't do it know. She needed it to be something that she could feel safe saying she had REALLY considered. In less than 12 hours, she had gone to prom, more than 10 years overdue with the man she was currently seeing, slept with the man she had loved…and well, still did, left without either one, and been begged to give her heart away again. It was all too much. Meredith Grey could NOT handle this. Not this time. She felt sick to her stomach at the thought of running away from her problems again, it had brought her nothing but trouble in the past. But again, because of him, because of her heart… she felt as if she had no choice.
FIN!