Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. CBS does now, after the buy-out. I do not own the letters i and e, they are owned by Macintosh and Microsoft, respectively. The letter O' has been proudly owned by the people of Ireland for nearly five years now.

The captain was restless. That must mean a new show was about to begin. The counselor intimated to him that the show had already begun. He'd been staring at the viewscreen in a very boring way for almost a minute now. He suppressed his embarrassment, stood up, pulled his shirtwaist down, and began the prologue:

Space, the Final Frontier

These are the voyages of the Starship Secondprize.

Its continuing mission, to seek out new thrills

And new titillations;

To Boldly go, where no infinitives have been split before!

The credits ran:

Star Phlegm!

Starring:

Captain Baldy!

First Mate Beardy!

Second Mate Blinky!

Security Officer Burly!

Counselor Busty!

Doctor Beauty!

And Chief Engineer George!

Captain Baldy sat down and tried to figure out what was going to happen to start the show. He didn't have to wonder long before the ship lurched.

"Engineering, what is going on?"

"Sorry, captain, the warp engine just burst into flames. I don't think we're going anywhere for a while."

"And how did a matter-antimatter reactor 'burst into flames?'"

"I think because Lieutenant Barclay decided he had a mental illness today and mistook it for a microwave. We've found pieces of hot dog casing all over the dilithium armature."

"Well, get it fixed, but quick! Is that understood?"

"Yes captain. George out."

"Mister Blinky, current estimated time of arrival to Bigbucks II?"

"At this distance, three hundred ninety-seven years, two days, and nine hours."

"I meant once we get it fixed." Blinky was supposedly superior machine designed to look like a human, but sometimes, Baldy wondered if his software was written by Microsoft.

"Assuming a standard Barclay microwaving incident, I would guess that we should be back at warp speed in enough time to only be two days late."

"Two days without warp. Unbelievable. I'm going to my quarters"

- - -

As soon as the captain was gone, the First Mate and the Counselor took the opportunity to make eyes at each other. It was well known that extended subspace travel was a sexual depressant, meaning that the shock of longterm sublight periods would "pop the cork off", so to speak, and the two realized that they were soon going to need to call upon the "benefits" part of their relationship to get through the sudden outpouring of their desires. The advent of warp drive had inadvertently tripled the annual gross revenues of portside adult venues.

- - -

The security officer eyed them with little interest in their human games of procreation, but quietly reserved the holodeck ahead of the big rush. Not that he was going to use it for anything that unsanitary, he was planning to use up his newfound energy in fighting holographic opponents. Female opponents, with little on, and little inclination to be taken.

Drat these close-cut uniform pants.

- - -

When Doctor Beauty heard about the upcoming sublight, she sighed and made the preparations for extra contraceptive demand that always accompanied them. She also sent the captain a message inviting him for dinner in her quarters. And gave herself a preemptive shot for good measure.

- - -

Blinky noted that, once again, there was going to be crew that needed a release valve. He quietly arranged for a lightened duty schedule. He would be doing a different duty for the next few days. Someday, he would have emotions and attach some meaning to the act, but for now, he was just performing a service for his crewmates. Besides, he always just closed his eyes and imagined each one was his old flame, "Butchy" Yar, which was surprisingly easier to do for male clients.

- - -

George made no change of plans. He didn't have to. He wasn't going to get any, anyway. He continued with his work.

He frowned. After only five times burning like that, the engine shouldn't show this much wear. The entire reactor needed a new coat of lining. Drat. There was only enough to re-line the armature. They needed to make a stop somewhere. He called the captain.

- - -

Captain Baldy was in his quarters, rocking out on a holographic set of drums. He set the sticks down and answered the hail.

"George here, sir. Captain, the reactor's worn out. We need to completely recoat the dilithium chamber, and we don't have enough neutronium to do so."

"English, please, George."

"The engine's broken, and we need to stop someplace to make it go."

"Where do you suggest, Mr. George?"

"Well, there's a Joe's Dilithium and Tire Change station a few thousand miles away, but if you want good service, you have to go to the dealer's garage, and the closest one is 3 parsecs."

Drat.

"But in the meantime, sir, we'll have 90 percent lightspeed in about 38 hours, assuming Barclay stays in his quarters sitting on his hands as ordered."

"Make it so, George. Captain out."

He asked the computer to project how long it would take to get to the garage 3 parsecs away. He was not happy to find they were now a full week delayed. He'd have to call Bigbucks now.

- - -

The Doctor was swamped. Less than an hour after the word was out that it would be a week just to get to the repairs station, and already sickbay was on the third batch of contraceptives. Also there were preliminary cases coming in of patients whose lovers had been much more than they could handle. Sprained joints, bruisings, broken bones, and even a certain broken organ (It was such a surprise to see Chief Blarney for something other than his shoulder.) had all come in just in the last half hour. She needed a break. She needed the Captain now.

When Baldy heard the page, he quickly turned off the drums, snatched up his dry old Shakespeare and instructed the computer for contingency plan theta. A Brahms piece played softly, and the replicator presented him with an Earl Grey tea. Once he felt he radiated fuddy-duddiness enough, he answered the door. He barely saw who it was before he was slammed down on the bed. Barely a hello before his shirt was off, and his pants were halfway to his knees before he threw out Ensign Bouncy. He made a note to either reprimand that girl or call her down at a better time. He composed himself just in time, and Doctor Beauty walked in.

"Doctor."

"Captain."

"What brings you here?"

"Well, you know how we'll be sublight for a long time..."

"Yes. And try as I might, nobody else will take Barclay off my hands. But I can't court-martial him for being eccentric."

"Oh, God. Right now I find you extremely... extremely..."

"Do you ever get the impression that everything that happens has happened before?"

"Oh, come on, Captain, please? I need you so much..." The comm broke in.

"Captain, urgent message for you from Bigbucks." Thank goodness for small miracles.

"On my way. I can't Doctor. Not now, not ever. Dinner still on?"

"Oh, yes, I suppose."

He left. She sighed and went to the holodeck.

- - -

It took her a while to find an available one.

"Computer, give me a simulation of Captain Baldy."

"For what purpose should the simulation be configured?"

"Mmm, personal encounter."

"Program already exists."

"What?" She looked at the display. "'captbaldy is SOOOO dreamy! XOXOXOX', by 'xxxxBOUNCYBABE87xxxx'?"

Beauty looked at the folder it was saved in, which also included Beardy and Burly. She understood why George wasn't there, but she didn't know why Blinky wasn't. That folder was in another folder that contained versions of herself, Busty, and even, eew, that old dead woman, Butchy. This was a side of the ship she had never seen before. She ran the Baldy program for now, but she would have to experiment later...