Part 3

It had been a long time since he just got to look at her. Alexis was struggling to find the words to confess to him, to voice whatever she thought may cause him to walk away from her, from their friendship, it gave him a few moments to take her in - in silence. She loved words. They made her feel safe. He'd known her long enough to realize whatever she was trying to reconcile inside herself, wasn't easy. She couldn't even trust her voice. Mouthpiece. He smiled slightly until he watched her lean her forehead against the staircase.

Her back was to him. She was wearing a faded Yankees T-shirt that was slightly too big for her and a pair of grey sweatpants that had a small tear in the back pocket. Alexis Davis was wearing his clothes. His repairing things around the penthouse clothes. That was something no one else knew - that he repaired things around his penthouse and that he sweats and a tshirt. Just like she had always been the carrier of his secrets and he was the guardian of hers. He couldn't believe that she remembered where he stored those ragged clothes and that the one who used to dress exclusively in upscale suits, Monolo shoes, and refused to represent him was now letting her own walls down in his old clothes. He noticed her legs shaking slightly, her arms had goosebumps as she crossed them over her chest as if she was shivering and she didn't want him to see. He inched closer to her.

"Is it the asthma?" Sonny's voice tickled her ear.

He heard her laugh nervously.

"You butt, you make me work so hard." He slipped his arms around her waist and lay his cheek on her back. "Breathe." It was music to his ears as her belly filled with air and she exhaled loudly as if blowing out a candle. "I'm with you, Lex. Just tell me."

"I almost killed Dante." She whispered.

"Almost?" He asked, pulling her closer to him. He'd prepared himself emotionally to support her no matter what she told him, because although in her mind there was an option for him to walk away from her again. That option no longer existed for him.

"I was drinking. I was at GH with Sam, and I went into - I went into an exam room to … "

"Keep going." He murmured, squeezing her arms. She shook her head, not necessarily to refuse, but because it was still too hard to believe what she had done, what had happened. Alexis wanted to take it back so badly that it almost made her physically hurt. She couldn't go back.

"I'm too ashamed," she whispered. Alexis pulled away from Sonny. She walked over and sat down on the steps.

"Alexis, is Dante okay?" He asked leaning onto the wall of the staircase so he could see her.

She simply nodded.

"There's nothing you're going to say that's going to change how I feel about you. You can trust me."

"You want me to trust you not to disappear from my life after you just came back from disappearing?"

Sonny nodded. "Yes."

"Well, I'm not one to let down a Winston man." He tried not to smile.

"Go …"

"I ducked into an exam room to drink from this small vodka bottle in my purse." She began again. Sonny felt his eyes well, a mixture of anger and sadness. "Sam was talking with Franco and Elizabeth in the hallway. I didn't want her to see me. I tried to down as much of it as I could before she came back, but then the conversation became more heated. I wasn't sure what they were talking about and I was a bit hungover from the night before. I glanced out at them and he had his hands on her. Voices were raised. I just saw Sam struggling with him. So, I - I grabbed this needle on the table and I went after him."

"You went after Franco with an empty shot needle?" Alexis shook her head. "Who leaves a filled syringe in an unoccupied exam room?" He murmured.

"I wasn't thinking. I just - I couldn't protect her from him before, and he - he drugged her and made her believe she was raped. I - my brain was cloudy but also I thought she was in danger. I couldn't stand the idea of her being hurt by him again. I pushed past Sam and was going to plunge the needle into him. And no, it wasn't empty. I just didn't think. Me. Not thinking? I used to think for a living and a hobby and I mean, overanalyzing was my superpower."

"Alexis, Breathe."

"There was no time to think about what was in the syringe. I didn't mean to, Sonny. It was an accident - I - I would never hurt your son. I don't even know how it happened. Out of nowhere. There was Dante. He threw himself between Sam and Franco, and I stabbed him in the chest and injected him with … with a lethal dose of lidocaine. Well, later, we found out it was lidocaine. He had a seizure and it was touch and go for a while. They arrested me. They handcuffed me in front of Sam, Jason … read my rights. I've fallen so far, Sonny. Don't you understand?" There was anger in her voice. "I lectured you and Jason on your alleged criminal behavior. I stood on my morals of not being a party to any kind of violence. I advocated for others. I leaned on the law … And they handcuffed me. Sam said she hoped I hit rock bottom. That if that wasn't rock bottom … but the truth is I don't know that it was. I know, I know. Attempting to hurt another person, almost killing my daughter's brother, being arrested on my birthday … I don't know if it was rock bottom, Sonny. And I wouldn't tell her this, but I've never hated myself this much in my whole life. I hate who I've become. So, yeah, I spent the night in lock-up at the PCPD. It's a great way to spend your birthday. Just in case you need some ideas for your next - Oh, right. You don't celebrate your birthday. Hmmm," she said, pulling a handkerchief to dry a few stray tears. "Maybe you have the right idea."

"You were alone all night in lock-up?" He asked, sitting a step down from her, leaning his back against the wall.

"Yes," she whispered. Trying not to look at him.

"Alexis," he tried to reach out for her.

"Sonny, did you hear me? I almost killed Dante."

"I heard you, Alexis. I did. But I'm not - "

"You don't care about your son? It doesn't matter to you that he almost died? I almost killed your first born son. Shouldn't you be yelling? Throwing me out? I thought your family was more important than anything …" Alexis pushed Sonny out of the way with more strength than he thought she would be able to gather. He had to steady himself before standing.

"Stop this now." He said with such force that he saw her jump. "I mean it. You want me to hurt you with my words like you're hurting yourself? I won't do it. I won't beat up on you. You have that covered. You want me to be angry, Alexis? Fine. Here it is. I hate this. I hate that you are hurting, and I can't fix it. I hate that you have been hurting for the past few years and that you've drowned yourself in alcohol. He took a deep breath and let the force seep out of his voice. "When I know you don't need the stuff. You're stronger than that."

"What? You are deluding …" She began to interrupt him.

"Be quiet." He said sternly but almost as a whisper. "You can push away everyone else in your life, sweetheart, but I will not leave. Not again." Sonny sat down on the arm of the couch as he watched her wipe the moisture from her eyes. "He left, didn't he Alexis? Or maybe he just never let you in at all? Mikkos never showed you love. Ned left. I left. I did. I hurt you deeply. I am sorry for it every day of my life."

"Sonny, we're past that now." She said leaning her back against the door she thought he would walk out of earlier.

"Listen to me." He continued, bringing a finger to his lips. " I've watched you invite men into your life that were dangerous, that you knew would hurt you, that you knew would not stay. Over and over. They hurt you. You lost your mother violently in front of your eyes, you were tortured by Helena throughout your childhood, you lost the only person that brought kindness into your life growing up even before he died, you lost your sister twice, and you witnessed your husband betraying you with your own daughter, you fought cancer … now? now is when you turn to alcohol? Be- because of Julian? Neil? I can't believe that. It isn't you. I don't understand, but I'm here. Family is important to me, Alexis. I love my son. Dante is fine now, right?" She wouldn't answer him. "I asked you a question, Dante is fine - right?"

"Yyyes." She replied, finally looking up.

"You're not." He stated.

"No," she answered, shaking her head. "I'm not." She held him in her gaze even from across the room.

"And I love you, too."

"Don't say that, Sonny. Please?" She said sliding down to sit on the floor.

"Why, Alexis? Don't you know that by now?"

She shook her head. "I know it here." Alexis pointed to her head. "But I'm having trouble here." She pointed to her chest.

"Lex."

"I can't believe it in my heart yet. I can't accept unconditional love from anyone. Not yet."
"Tell me why."

"Because I don't love myself. Maybe I never did."