Author's Rants: After I read volume 8 I just HAD to write this. xD There are spoilers if you haven't read volume 8 yet. This also takes place right after Wrath beats him up a bit and kills his comrades but before he is presented to Father. Rated for foul language. :O
My Final Word—I Get the Last Laugh!
Dear all,
If you are reading this then I, the Great, Ultra-fricking-Strong, Master Greed am dead. But just because I am no longer on this planet doesn't mean I can't leave some kind of legacy behind. I shall leave a type of testimony to some certain important, special, worthy people.
Lust:
My dear Lust, you are and will always be the hottest piece of boobs and ass EVER! I kind of wished that I took you with me when I betrayed that old man. Seriously, the sex would be HOT! And I really hoped to have rocked your world (and mine) before my timely death. Nice knowing you though I guess.
Gluttony:
Everytime I see you, you always look like a giant ball with huge arms and a tiny head and legs. You're always packing on the pounds and cling to Lust...you pimp you. I don't really know what to say. I mean, you're just a useless blob who takes up space. So why do I care? It's because we had a special bond, you and me. That's right; you have helped me a lot back in the day. And I know that deep down; you are a kind, gentle, sensitive...thing. I...I love ya man.
Envy:
I've never liked you. You're like a teenage girl going through constant PMS. I'll start with your horrible sense in fashion. What kind of man goes outside in tight spandex mini-skort and belly shirt? Are you even a man? I mean, there's like...NO bulge in your pants! Either you have a really small penis or you just don't have one. Next is your god awful hair style. Whoever said that look would work out should be shot in the head and the crotch. You look like a fucking palm tree! And it's so messy. When's the last time you put a bush through that mess? (God knows what shit is hidden in there.) And lastly, you act like a fucking pre-Madonna. You're on constant PMS. And because of this...I'm really starting to think that you're really a bratty girl. I hope you rot in hell you ugly son-of-a-bitch. Yeah, I called you UGLY! What the fuck are you gonna do about it! HUH!
Sloth:
I really have nothing to say to the likes of you. Except you're so fucking lazy! Get off your god damn ass and DO SOMETHING! You're like...twice my size and could be worth something if you put forth some kind of effort. But I guess why you're named Sloth. You are truly a worthless piece of shit. Kthxbye!
Wrath:
Or should I say Furhur President? I guess you're the new guy right? I don't have much to say but...you are some bitch to toss me around like that AND to kill my belongings! I never did anything to you! So like...WTF?
Father:
No, I didn't forget about you Father. I'm really expecting you to bitch me out about shit like "Why I betrayed you" and stuff. Well, you've probably heard this once...but you're gonna hear it again. I'm fucking Greed! I love money, women, and power! I'll never be satisfied be cooped up with the likes of you! I don't know how the hell you had Lust, Gluttony, Wrath, Envy, and Sloth obey your every word but it won't work on me! I hope you fall out of that big chair of yours and can't get up! Rotten old man...
Edward and Alphonse Elric:
How could I forget about you kids? Ed, you are a pretty good fighter...once you grow a foot you'd be a real lady killer. (Nowhere near me of course!) But dammit! After all I've worked for I still don't know how to be immortal! And for Alphonse, ummm... yeah I've got nothing.
There you go. There are my final words. I've confessed a few things and poured my heart out to you fellow reader. So don't just throw the god damn letter away! Love it, treasure it, hug it, kiss it, rape it because someday I WILL come back! You haven't heard the last of me! HAHAHA!
Yours truly,
Greed
P.S. Ed, Al... your teacher is HOT!