The next scene is of a coach pulling up in front of the opera house. It runs over one of the many pigeons on its way through. FIRMIN steps out and adjusts his coat, grinning. He is grinning mainly because of the dancer hidden under the seat of his carriage. He makes his way up the steps to the opera house and slips over on a dollop of pigeon shit. Grumbling, he picks himself up and stumbles to the door.
FIRMIN: Mystery, after gala night. It says mystery of sopranos flight. Mystified, all the tabloid funny gossipy magazines say…
FIRMIN flips through the latest copy of E! News.
FIRMIN: we are mystified we suspect foul play…. Oh, I didn't know that Jude Law cheated on his wife. What a bastard! Anyway… (Clears throat) bad news on soprano scene, first Carlotta now Christine. Still, at least the seats get sold. Gossips worth its weight in gold…
FIRMIN grins and flicks some bank notes in the air, spinning around like a pansy, basking in it like a shower.
FIRMIN: what a way to run a business, it was better with my bordello. Half your cast disappears and they aren't even Sienfeld and Roy! Opera, it so bloody shocking it's worse then when Andre breaks your favourite sex toy.
ANDRE rushes on, looking slightly embarrassed by FIRMIN'S revealing of his bad habits.
ANDRE: Damnable, will they all walk out? This is damnable.
FIRMIN: Andre, please don't shout.
ANDRE: Ha! You are trying to tell me to shut up? You weren't so reluctant at keeping you mouth shut about that bloody blow up do…
FIRMIN: Andre… may we please stay on subject? Thank you. It's publicity and the take is vast. Free publicity!
ANDRE: but we have no cast! And I'm almost out of curling hair product!
FIRMIN strokes his immaculately quaffed do before continuing.
FIRMIN: Andre, have you seen the cue? Ah, I see you have received an abusive email too…
ANDRE pulls out a palm pilot and holds it at arms length.
ANDRE: Dear Andre what a splendid gala! Christine was in a word sublime. Happiness was such when that soppy bitch was cut. On that note, please stop flirting; it's disturbing when the dancers giggle so much!
FIRMIN snorts and pulls out his palm pilot.
FIRMIN: Dear Firmin, just a brief reminder. My salary has not been paid. Send it in a reply to theghost.i. P.T.O, no one like a tight pass, so pay up or I'll shove you up your own a...
ANDRE (interrupting): who would have the gall to send this.
TOGETHER: someone with a purple brain.
FIRMIN: these are both signed OG
ANDRE: what the hell is he?
FIRMIN: well, either 'Opera Ghost' or 'open girl'
ANDRE (interrupting): it's nothing short of shocking!
FIRMIN: he's treating us limp.
ANDRE: in addition he wants money.
FIRMIN: what is he, a pimp?
TOGETHER: to expect a large sum. It's obvious he is a complete nutcase!
RAOUL dashes in, looking slightly ruffled, his sword drawn and his hair silky. RAOUL'S FANGIRLS proceed to melt onto the floor.
PHANTOM FANGIRLS (sniggering): what a fop…
RAOUL'S FANGIRLS shoot PHANTOM FANGIRLS a very effective death look, so effective it does nothing at all
THE AUTHOR: bloody foppish Raoul fangirls….
RAOUL'S FANGIRLS proceed to beat up the author before settling down to watch RAOUL say something dashing and important.
RAOUL'S FANGIRLS: I know it's going to be something important to the movie… oh! He knows where she is!
RAOUL: where is she!
PHANTOM FANGIRLS: (snort) uh huh! He's, like sooo intelligent!
FIRMIN: you mean Carlotta?
RAOUL: I mean miss Daae… duh! Where is she?
ANDRE: well how should we know?
RAOUL: I want an answer… or I'll chuck a hissy fit. I take it; it was you who sent me this red inked, skull-covered note?
ANDRE: of course not, you silly little boy!
RAOUL looks thoroughly confused, a quite normal expression for him.
RAOUL (twirling hair): you didn't send it?
FIRMIN (rolling his eyes): of course not, otherwise we would be saying "Oh, sorry, yes. It was we." (Whispering) dumbass.
RAOUL: Please, don't argue… isn't this the abusive letter you wrote?
FIRMIN: and what is it that we're meant to have wrote….
ANDRE sniggers
FIRMIN (shooting death looks at ANDRE): written.
RAOUL, walking like a pansy, hands ANDRE the letter. RAOUL spins around with a hair flick and looks to FIRMIN, who is leaning over ANDRE'S shoulder. ANDRE yelps as FIRMIN cheekily pinches his butt.
FIRMIN (reading): Do not come anywhere near miss Daae again, for the angel of music has her under his sleek, sexy wing. If you make any attempt to see her, the angel of music will proceed to shave your hair off…
RAOUL (shuddering): what kind of a sick bastard would want to do that?
ANDRE (still flushed after FIRMIN'S butt pinch): I think he already told you…
Suddenly, CARLOTTA, PIANGI and THE PAID FOLLOWERS, dash in. CARLOTTA is wearing a live parrot on her head and one each as gloves. PIANGI is finishing off a pizza, happily guzzling the last crust.
CARLOTTA: where is he?
ANDRE: Whom may you be talking about?
CARLOTTA: the patron… duh! Where is that poncy, foppish little pipsqueak?
There is a grinding in the background. We realise it is RAOUL'S FANGIRLS grinding their teeth. PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS are waving signs saying 'success!', 'Erik for president' and 'I love cheese, riverdancing and Gerard Butler'.
CARLOTTA: I take it that you sent me this message?
CARLOTTA holds up a brand new Nokia mobile phone. ANDRE leans in to read it and proceeds to tumble down the stairs.
ANDRE: here we go then… and did you send it?
RAOUL: umm…. Just give me a sec.
He pulls out another brand new Nokia mobile phone (yes, I love produce placement) and quickly searches through the sent messages.
RAOUL (reading): hey wassup Christine… no, not that one… well, I wonder if you want to polish my sword… nope, not that either…. Have you got any hair product… nah, not that one… sorry, Carlotta, not from me, unless some sick bastard stole my phone.
CARLOTTA: you lie! You lie! You lie around with that Christine wench!"
ANDRE (breaking up a fight): how about you take a look at who it's from, Prima Donna?
CARLOTTA: it was sent by OG on the number 042 666 666 666, so obviously it's from him!
CARLOTTA points an enraged finger at RAOUL
CARLOTTA: so ner!
CARLOTTA'S FANBOY stands up in the cinema, his 'I love Carlotta' t-shirt obvious in the darkness. CARLOTTA'S FANBOY clasps his hands hopefully.
CARLOTTA'S FANBOY: oh, she's so smart and sexy… oh I, like, really wanna meet her… maybe I can drink champagne out of her shoe!
REST OF THE AUDIENCE gives CARLOTTA'S FANBOY strange looks.
CARLOTTA'S FANBOY: What?
Finally CARLOTTA'S FANBOY realises a lot of people are looking for the number of the local mental ward. CARLOTTA'S FANBOY blushes and sits down again.
ANDRE: you stupid bitch! OG… OG! OG is Opera Ghost! If it were from him it would be F.O.P!
RAOUL'S FANGIRLS: hey!
PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: (snigger)
CARLOTTA: oh… well… that doesn't matter! I'm going to throw a hissy fit anyway!
CARLOTTA runs to her room and starts cackling evilly, smashing windows and mirrors and chairs over her poodle's head.
ANDRE looks at FIRMIN, who winces.
ANDRE: The song?
FIRMIN: What song?
ANDRE: you know, the song we sing to stop her from trashing our opera? And ruining the movie?
FIRMIN stares blankly. ANDRE rolls his eyes and bursts into 'PRIMA DONNA'. The crowd in the cinema starts to mutter, things like 'where's Raoul?", "Where's the Phantom?" and, for those who have read the book but not seen the musical "Where's Nadir?"
NADIR pop's his head in the scene.
NADIR: Here I am!
RAOUL roughly shoves NADIR back into the Bollywood screening in the cinema next door and breaks out a very big, blue-eyed, emotional, young boy with a crush look.
RAOUL; Christine spoke of an angel…
RAOUL'S FANGIRLS: we don't care!
PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: (wince) those… big blue… eyes…. So… just want to… hug… must fight… emotional….
THE PHANTOM leaps into the scene, waves a noose, laughs madly, talks to his Christine finger puppet and then leaps out.
PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: ah, even if his behaviour was slightly erratic, it's still nice to know that He's looking out for us…
RAOUL'S FANGIRLS cannot think of anything to say to this, as they are too busy crowded at the front of the cinema, pawing pathetically at the screen.
RAOUL'S FANGIRLS: I want… I want…
ANDRE, FIRMIN and CARLOTTA roughly push RAOUL out of the scene, never missing a note of 'PRIMA DONNA'.
RAOUL'S FANGIRLS and PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS in unison pick up their pitchforks and torches.
BOTH FANGIRL GROUPS: we don't care how pivotal this is to the film, or storyline… we want our EYE CANDY!
ANDRE, FIRMIN and CARLOTTA all noticed the sudden hostility and fast forward themselves through to the end of 'PRIMA DONNA'. RAOUL'S FANGIRLS and THE PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS begin to relax…
PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: Ah… time for some more delicious phantom action.
RAOUL pops up on screen, wearing a pink tuxedo.
PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: damn it!
RAOUL'S FANGIRLS: (snigger)
PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS start sharpening their pitchforks and tying their Punjab lasso shoelaces.
PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: (muttering) We'll show you…