allo, allo dear readers. here's just a little one-shot from me. i've decided to do a few song-based fics for a while. guess i'm inspired or something. so, this is spike and faye, but of course, on the eve before he leaves. (yes, i know that's not how things work, but let's pretend). i guess the premise is that there are things in this world that don't really need to be said, and just because a guy's going to face his death and avenge his lost love, doesn't necessarily mean that he's spent, emotionally.
so, this is set to the song 'Everlong' by the Foo Fighters. read and enjoy. and review if you'd like, put nothing harsh, please. and if they seem a bit out of character, please, just deal with it. well, guess i'll let you get to it, then.
Hello, I've waited here for you...everlong.
The fresh scent of rain still lingered in the urban air. The dismal drizzling from earlier in the day had subsided, leaving the world to twinkle in its wake. The city lights flickered on and the Martian populace began to venture outside again.
Spike exhaled the smoke from his lungs and watched as it lazily wafted into the sky. He was sitting on the side of the Bebop, trying his damndest to think of nothing. As he pitched his finished cigarette into the water in the harbor, the unmistakable sight of blood caught his eye. Bringing his hand closer to his face, Spike sighed ruefully.
If he was keeping count – and he certainly wasn't – the sullen cowboy determined that it had been just over five hours since the love of his life had died in his arms. Five hours since his fallen angel had made her why back up to heaven. For three years he waited for her, searched for her. Three years going on a lifetime, all he could think about was her. And after all of the lingering days, hours, weeks, all that Spike was privileged to was a few fleeting moments with her.
"Julia," he hushed into the subtle breeze.
He put his hand back in his lap, not ready to wash away the blood just yet. Besides, he'd never be able to wash the blood from his soul. And if her life's essence was the only tangible thing that he had left of her, then he'd bask in that blood for just a while longer.
His thoughts and sorrows were interrupted by the sounds of heels clinking delicately, almost timidly on the metal behind him. He knew who it was and he hoped that she would keep moving on. It wasn't fair that she was still here, that she was still allowed to be. His Julia never hurt a soul, and yet this shrew caused problems every where she went.
"I…I'm sorry, Spike. She was a nice woman. I see why you loved her."
Faye wasn't sure if those were the right words to say. She wasn't sure if there were right words at all. As she watched Spike sitting there, sitting so broken, she almost hoped that he would lash out at her.
"You could never see why I loved her," he told her bitterly. "What do you know about love, anyway?"
If he really wanted an answer to that question, then Faye could easily give him one. But she thought better of it, considering the state that he was in. In front of Jet, and normally in front of her, Spike would never betray emotions. Especially not emotions that proved he had a heart.
Pretending to understand his need to be alone, Faye dejectedly turned around and headed back inside.
"I've been waiting for something. I don't know what. Maybe I've been waiting for you."
Faye was totally caught off guard by Spike's voice, and more so by his words. She hadn't expected anything from him, and especially not that.
"Just come over here and sit down Faye."
The tone in his voice was devoid of any sensation, but Faye still felt some sort of desperation in his tone. She went back and sat next to him.
Tonight, I've thrown myself into,
And out of the red, out of her head she sang.
"I just don't know what happened," Spike began. Perhaps he wanted Faye to come back so he could feel something. Perhaps he didn't want to be alone. Or maybe he just wanted someone to listen to him for once. Whatever the reason, Faye was going to hear him out.
"We were running and they were shooting at us. She shot one of them and I shot a few more. She tripped and fell, but she was right back up again. And then I heard the gunshot and I saw her stop. She started to fall and for those few seconds, time almost came to a stand still.
"She died in my arms. I've seen a lot of death and she's not the first person to die around me. But this was so different. So…so unfair. I promised her we'd get out, but all I did was get her killed."
Faye stared out onto the water, afraid to look at him. She didn't know what she would see in Spike's face, in his eyes, and she wasn't sure she wanted to find out. His voice was still even and mellow when he spoke, but Faye picked up on the sadness that now shrouded him. She figured her female intuition allowed her to feel that.
"But there wasn't a lot of blood. She was shot in the back. I still can't believe that bastard shot her in the back. But she didn't bled much. I don't know why, but that just got to me, I guess. And she said it was all just a dream. Heh, sound like anyone you know?"
Faye cracked an uneasy smile. It was good that he was joking again, but was this really the most appropriate time?
"You two really were meant for each other, weren't you?" Faye ventured to say.
"Yeah, just like smoke and memories. Speaking of smokes, ya got any on you?"
Faye scrunched her face up at the cowboy's words. Sometimes he could be so lyrical and make the most hauntingly beautiful remarks, and then he would do a complete 180 and switch back into typical Spike mode.
"Yeah, I got a stash in my room. Come on, Gorgio. I'm feelin' kinda sorry for you, so I won't make you pay me for them."
"Well shucks, Faye. You'd do that for little ol' me?"
"Shut up, Spike, and come on."
He followed his comrade into the ship and briefly wondered what had made him be so candid with her. He shook his head and gave a slight chuckle. As he continued on behind Faye, he could only wonder what he could be getting himself into tonight.
Come down and waste away with me, down with me...
"What would you do for me, Faye?"
"What?" she asked, not comprehending his question.
The two hunters had been held up in Faye's room for the past hour, sharing in each others smoke and taking hits off of the same bottle of tequila. With a slight happy buzz nipping at their minds, the two strangers turned partners left inhibitions at the door and allowed themselves to simply coexist.
"You heard me," Spike said with a minor slur, "what would you do for me?"
"I don't get what you mean, you lunkhead," Faye answered, a small slur in her words as well.
"How can you sit there and call me a lunkhead when you can't even understand a simple question? I sometimes wonder if parts of your mind are still frozen."
"Screw you, Spiegel, and ask me again."
Spike smirked at the woman as she lay back on her bed. He was perched in her chair, dimly aware of a hanger poking in his back. There was something about her in these lazy, intimate moments that made Spike wonder were his allegiances laid. But he simplychalked his silly thoughts up to the recent trauma of losing his angel.
"Since I have to simplify it for you, I guess what I'm asking is, well…would you waste away with me? If we had met in a different time, if our lives hadn't have been what they were, would you have?"
Faye pushed herself up and stared at Spike. His face was turned toward the side, keeping her from seeing what his eyes had to say about all of this. How was she supposed to answer a question like that? How dare he even ask her something like that. She was only an annoyance to him, right? Taking another sip of the liquor in the bottle in between them, she simply shrugged her shoulders and figured his crazy questions where the result of a traumatize mind.
"As far as I can tell," she started after a moment, "it seems as if we're wasting away already."
His eyes flickered towards hers for a second, almost as if to say that that wasn't what he wanted to hear.
"But if things had have been different like you said, then…yeah, I think I would've."
The pair looked at each other, a light blush staining their cheeks. Faye figured he was just feeling the buzz. Spike agreed to think the same thing. They mildly smiled at each other and reached for another drink.
Slow how, you wanted it to be,
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang.
"How about this?" Faye began to ask. "You can ask me one question, any question you want to, and I promise that I'll answer it truthfully."
"What's the catch?" Spike asked, all too aware that she'd want something in return.
"I get to do the same for you."
He figured that's what she would want. What did he have to lose, though? Things were finally falling into place, the pieces of the puzzle where almost all together and there was no way that Spike could avoid his destiny for much longer. He decided to take her up on her offer. For all he knew, it might be therapeutic for him to show someone a true part of himself before there was nothing left to show.
"Alright, I'll do it."
"Really?" Faye was sure he'd say 'no', so to have him agree was exciting for her.
"Let's see, then," Spike stated. "One question about you? Okay, are you boobs real?"
"Spike!" She screeched. Leave it to a man to ask a real 'man' question. "Is that really all you want to know about me?"
"Nah," he openly laughed at her reaction,"I got something more interesting to ask you. Besides, I can tell they're real."
"Oh you can, can you?" Faye challenged.
"Sure can. Wanna know how?"
Not sure if she really wanted to know, Faye nodded her head and watched as he got up. With speed she wasn't sure a buzzed, depressed man could have, Spike tackled Faye to the bed, grabbed a handful of her assets and gave her a light squeeze. Before she could protest, Spike was back in his chair, taking a drag off of his fourth cigarette of the night.
Once Faye had finally regained her composure, she crossed her arms over her chest and glared at her smirking roommate.
"Yep, they're real," Spike said, his damn smirk dripping in his voice.
"Why, you…" Faye fumbled for words. Instead, she chucked a pillow at him, which Spike easily dodged, of course.
Knowing that there was no way to win this battle, Faye gave an irritable sigh. She was starting to regret her little quid pro quo session. But as she glanced at Spike and saw the genuine smile on his face, Faye found herself smiling as well.
'At least he seems happier,' she thought, 'too bad that happiness had to come at my expense! Again!'
"So can I ask my question now?"
"Whatever," Faye quickly answered.
"Okay…in ten words or less, tell me what you really think about me."
That was an odd request, to say the least. He wanted to know what she thought about him? And in only ten words? Well, it made Faye's job easier. Or harder, depending on how you looked at it. What she really thought of the lanky cowboy would only require three words. But to weed her way around that truth in only ten might prove difficult.
"Well…"
"That's one."
She glared at him, daring him to say anything else.
"If things were different, I would have chosen you. There, ten words in all. Now it's time for my question," Faye hurriedly said. She could feel her face burning, quite embarrassed by her admission. She stole a look at Spike and saw him staring at her. She quickly decided on an question ask him.
"Uh, here's a good one…," she said a bit too eagerly. Taking a breath to calm herself down, Faye began again. "Was…was it all worth it? Getting out of the syndicate, I mean?"
Spike knew that's what she would ask him. It was a simple question, really. The answer, however, was harder to come by.
"I'm pretty sure I lost Julia because of it," he began, still slightly reeling from Faye's answer to his question. "But every now and then, when I don't think about that, then…then yeah, I think I found a reason or two to make it all worth it."
And I wonder when I sing along with you,
If everything could ever feel this real forever.
Spike and Faye sat in quiet for several tense minutes. The haze from their cigs mingled with one another, creating that atmosphere of smoke and memories that Spike had spoken of earlier. Their little Q & A session, even with answers being as cryptic as ever, revealed more truth then they were sure they wanted to divulge.
"So, was that the truth?" Spike casually asked of his female counterpart.
"Huh? Oh, that? You've got to be kidding, right? Why would I ever tell you anything 'truthful' about me?" Faye told him, praying her demeanor didn't betray the fact that she spoke absolute fact.
Spike snorted at her, not believing her one bit.
"And what about you, mop top? With a performance like that, you'd never break into the acting business," Faye responded defensively.
"You found me out, Faye. You didn't think you were that special, did you?"
She scoffed at him, not sure if he was being real or not. And then it broke through her fuzzy mind that she had never known the real Spike. Hell, she was under the impression that Spike didn't even know the 'real' him anymore. Her thoughts were interrupted, however, when she saw the man in question rise from his seat once more.
"If you're coming in for another feel, I warn you against it!"
"It's not like you could push me away. Besides, I'm pretty sure you liked it," Spike said almost seductively, smirking at Faye's reaction.
Seeing opportunity in Faye's flustered expression, Spike threw caution towards the wind and kissed her. It wasn't a long kiss, and definitely not a deep or passionate one, but a simple kiss that spoke more truth then either of them could ever say. And in that moment, they hoped that they could feel something like that, something so real, forever.
If anything could ever be this good again.
The only thing I'll ever ask of you,
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when…
Spike's form eased onto her bed and their chaste kiss deepened into something so much more. For Faye, it was by far the most amazing thing she had ever felt. She would be the last to admit that she wasn't nearly as experienced as she pretended to be, but from what she knew, this was better than the best. For several fleeting seconds, Faye realized that this probably nothing more than Spike's way of dealing with his grief. But even though the thought of being used by him hurt her to her core, Faye allowed things to continue. Besides, a girl could always pretend.
As he slid his hand up to lightly cup Faye's cheek, Spike was amazed by how good she felt, by how sweet she tasted. The pain in his heart was suspiciously fading away as he melted into her. A part of him felt as if he was in the wrong, sliding himself to fit Faye better. Hadn't it only been a few hours since the love of his life died? Even so, he couldn't pull himself away from her.
Half a lifetime later, the contact finally broke. Both hunters pulled away from each other and gasped from the breath that the other had taken away. Faye traced her lips, all too aware of the tingle. Spike ran a hand through his wild hair, trying to understand why that had felt so right.
"I don't think that should have happened," Spike began, still flushed from moments earlier. "But even if that's the case, I don't apologize for what we just did."
Silence reigned over the room once more. Faye looked at him incredulously, not sure what he meant. Why didn't he regret it? She was still his least favorite person, aside from Vicious, right?
"Faye, don't take it back, either. I don't ask much of you, but I'm asking you this."
"Huh?" She sounded, confused now. "I…uh, I don't."
Faye looked away from the cowboy, not sure she trusted any part of the situation. Her focus was once again brought back to him when she heard the rustling of his faded, blue suit.
"For whatever it's worth, promise me, Faye."
She sang.
"I…I promise," Faye quietly stuttered, still unsure of what was happening to them.
Breathe out, so I can breathe you in,
At her words, Spike carefully weaved his arms around her lithe frame. He needed someone to hold, he needed to feel something real. And right now, Faye felt more genuine than anything else in his life.
He inhaled her unique scent and held her even closer. To his relief, Faye held on as well. There was something that was unexplainable between the two of them, something absolutely unspoken. With their less than eloquent way with speech, it was for the best thatthis feeling needed no sound.
Sighing in unison, the two slowly slinked down into the bed.
Hold you in, and now, I know you've always been,
Out of your head, out of my head I sang.
"What are we doing Spike?" Faye hesitantly asked.
"I couldn't explain it if I tried."
That was really all that Faye needed. She couldn't verbalize it, so why should he have to as well? For however long this instant would last, Faye would soak up every bit of it. When he had first kissed her, she was positive that he was thinking of Julia the whole time. But now that she knew that he felt it too, she suddenly realized that he was finally seeing her.
For an eternity, neither of them made a sound. With her head on his chest, Faye could hear Spike's heart thump. The beat was no doubt wounded, but it was nothing that time would not heal.
Spike stroked the violet locks that his head rested upon. This moment felt so right, if not a little stale. It was almost as if this should have happened so long ago. And hell, maybe it should have, but back then, he still had his woman to find. She was dead now, and he was starting to accept that. The vixen cradled in his arms all but contributed to that recognition as well.
"Wanna hear a story?" Spike asked her.
"Sure," Faye meekly answered, knowing that she probably didn't really have a choice either way.
"Well once upon a time, there was boy. This boy had a pet turtle. He loved his turtle very much. He feed it and spent time with it and even took it for walks. Well, as best as you can walk a turtle, I guess. One day, the boy and his turtle were playing in the backyard when his mom called him inside to go to the store. The boy was in such a hurry to get inside that he completely forgot about his turtle.
"When he got back home, he went to feed his turtle, but then realized that he had left it in the backyard. He ran to go get his pet, but when he got to the backyard, he found his turtle dead. It had been attacked by cats, most likely. The boy held his dead turtle to his chest and vowed to never love like that again.
"A few weeks later, the boy was sitting in his backyard, still mourning his loss. A little rabbit came hoping into the yard then, and it hoped over to the boy. He decided to see if he could touch the rabbit, and surprisingly, he could. He ran inside and grabbed a carrot and then ran back outside to feed the rabbit.
"For the next few days, the rabbit would keep coming back and the boy would keep feeding it. Finally, the boy decided to adopt the rabbit. It dawned on him then that he had fallen in love with the little rabbit, even though it was against his better judgment. As he scooped it up and headed inside, the boy thought to his self that maybe it was possible to love something so much again. And this time, he vowed to protect the rabbit better than he had the turtle, and to never leave it alone again."
Faye blinked up at Spike, surprised at the story's abrupt ending. She tried to let his words sink in and decipher the true meaning of what he said.
"That's…a…that's an interesting story," Faye offered.
"Not really. The moral of the story is: don't leave you critters alone in the backyard," Spike said lightly, a small chuckle rumbling in his chest.
"Yeah…" Faye replied, almost certain that the story was more than simply that.
And I wonder, when I sing along with you,
If everything could ever feel this real forever,
"I don't know why I'm saying this, it's not like you deserve it, but thank you," Spike said after several minutes more.
"What are you thanking me for?" Faye questioned, unable to muster a snappy comeback.
"I dunno. Thank you for this? Thank you for allowing me let this be."
"I'm still unaware of what this is, exactly."
"Me either," he smirked.
Well, whatever 'this' was, it was comforting at least. Neither of them realized that there could be such…peace, just lying in each other's arms. They both had a feeling, a disgusting clunk in the pit of their stomachs that suggested that such serenity obviously wouldn't last. But as with so many of the other moments of this night, the next couple of hours or so could very well last forever.
If anything could ever be this good again.
The only thing I'll ever ask of you,
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when.
They couldn't say when they feel asleep, but they knew the impending emptiness when they woke up. Venturing for one more kiss, morning breath and all, Spike took the still sleepy shrew's lips in his. Everything he couldn't express, everything he couldn't say was in that kiss. All of that, and his apology. He would never come out and say what Faye did to him. Honestly, he wouldn't have ever for much longer to do so with. Before he changed his mind, the weary hunter rose from the comfort of Faye's bed and began his agonizing walk down his personal 'green mile'.
"I hope you didn't expect anything from me, Faye. You know better thananyone that I really don't have anything left to give."
"I don't get it," she spoke in a whisper.
"I think you do. Hey, would it be weird if I called you 'honey'?"
"What?" Faye asked, once again taken aback bySpike's random change of topic."Well yeah that would be weird. That term sounds almost endearing, and we know you don't endear anything about me."
"I had a rabbit once. I didn't want to love it, but I ended up loving it anyway. I named it Honey. It was moody like a girl, so I named it like one, too."
Faye started on at him, his story from the night before taking on a more personal meaning.
"So I guess you're right. It would be weird to call you 'honey'. Funny though, if things had been different, I imagine I could have called you that."
Spike heard the woman behind him gasp, and he was slightly shocked himself by what he just said. Heading faster to the door, he just had one more thing to unload on her.
"Oh, and Faye?"
"Y…yeah?"
"It's not like you ever did before, but if I ever ask you to stop, if I ever say 'when', please don't listen to me, kay? Just keep on doing what you always do. Okay?"
She sang.
He turned back around to Faye and saw the confusion mixed with understanding on her face. He saw her nod slightly and knew that she couldn't find the words to say. It's how it always was between them: words that they couldn't say.
Turning back towards the door, Spike silently slipped through it, breaking anything that was left of their pleasant reverie.
And I wonder,
If everything could ever feel this real forever,
If anything could ever be this good again.
"Where are you going? Why are you going?" Faye pleaded with Spike, gun cocked falsely against his head. He was walking down the corridor, and walking to his predestined death. But Faye was positive that if she got him to stay, then destiny would gladly rewrite itself.
"You told me once... that the past didn't matter... You're the one who's tied to their past!"
Spike sighed and turned to her. He had hoped that he could avoid this. After showing parts of himself to her last night, and in return, seeing parts of her as well, he wasn't sure if he could walk away from her so easily. Trying his best to pretend that he didn't care, he backed her into a wall.
"Look at my eyes, Faye…"
She could suddenly hear no more. He was leaving, he was going to die. She felt so foolish, the way she had given into him so effortlessly last night. There may have been something there, but it would never be enough to outshine his angel, his Julia.
"I'm not going there to die. I'm going to see if I'm really alive."
Spike continued down the corridor, amazed that it hurt so much to leave her behind.
"I promised you Spike, because you asked me to. You're telling me to stop; you're saying 'when'! I promised you I wouldn't stop! So why isn't that good enough!"
She raised her gun to the ceiling and fired off round after round. She continued to shoot because she promised she wouldn't stop. And when she had no more bullets to let off, she sunk to the floor and cried for him. It was all that she could do now, and she simply refused to quit.
The only thing I'll ever ask of you,
As Spike climbed into the cockpit of his beloved Swordfish II, he looked back one last time and smirked appreciatively at Faye's small form in the shadows.
"Just like I thought you'd do, honey," he chuckled to his self. "I always knew you'd never do it simply because I asked you to."
And with that, those last words to her, Spike winked at Faye. It was his pitiful way of saying thank you, his stupid way of saying goodbye. But maybe, just maybe, if Faye was listening to him at all, she'd realize why he was doing this. After all, that little boy promised to protect his rabbit better than he had his turtle, and if he could, he'd really try to never leave her alone again, too.
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when.
It was in that instant that Faye finally got it. She smiled despite herself and the hideous situation she now found herself in.
"A rabbit, eh? Well at least I'm not a slow, wrinkly turtle with a bumpy shell on my back," Faye mused as she headed to her room.
She fell back into bed, Spike's scent daring her to be angry with him.
"If I didn't stop, cowboy, then you better keep your end of the deal and never leave me alone," Faye said into her pillow as she breathed in his essence. She slid back into sleep, still finding peace in what might have been.
EVERLONG, SHE'LL WAIT FOR YOU.
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT SHE SANG…
so that's it. i hope you liked it! guess that's it from me for now. hopefully i'll have another one up soon. thanks for stoppin' by!
-phoenix