Thanks for coming back for Chapter Two! I am going to mark this as complete as I am not planning another chapter, but I may add one if I have a good inspiration for one. Please don't forget to leave a review! - Auntie Dragneel
I stare at the faded brick wall, watching the small streams of rain that slide down the rough surfaces. I can still hear her shuffling around behind me, but I don't dare turn around. She would be able to read my face in a microsecond. I focus my attention out the shattered window. Funny, that's kind of how I feel now, broken. The sharp edges never seem to dull, forever causing me pain. I hear the familiar sound of her yoyo catching on the adjacent roof's chimney and I turn around just in time to catch a glimpse of a retreating red & black suit.
When I can no longer see her, I try to stand. My body doesn't let me, I feel the full weight of the world crash in an instant. At first, it's a gentle stream, then a fast river, but it quickly becomes a tsunami. A torrent of emotions that I don't have the power to stop. I can't breathe, my breathing, I need to even it out. I focus hard on taking even breaths. In. Out. In. Out. I tell myself the water on my face is just the rain. In. Out. In. Out. I push myself to my feet. In. Out. In. Out. I get ready to leave out of the cracked wall, but I stop myself.
I stare at the rain pelting the roofs of Paris. I shouldn't go to her; I shouldn't use her like that. Sweet, sweet Marinette. How I torture you so. I should let her live her life. I need to stop visiting her as Chat, but then who would I go to? I need to tell her as Adrien that I don't love her, but then would I lose her as a friend? People are only friends with you when they want something. My Dad is only friendly to me because he needs me to be the perfect son, the model. Ladybug only uses me to relieve tension, needs me to be the servant. I am only using Marinette to be less lonely. People only know how to be friends when they want something, and I want comfort.
It's like muscle memory weaving through the rooftops. The rain makes it impossible to see, but I have this route mapped out in my head. I don't need my eyes to land perfectly in her windowsill. I push the window open and hop down. Just as I am closing the latch, I hear her say, "It's a Citrus Mint tea, it'll warm you up. I've left a towel for you on the rack to your left."
I turn to my left, and there it is, a neatly folded black & green towel. I begin drying all the leather from my shoulders to my toes as I give her a quick thanks. As I start drying my hair I quip to her, "You know, you'll have to tell me when you gained the superpower of knowing everything all the time." I set the towel on the back of one of her dining room chairs and see her settling into the couch. I quickly jump into the space between her and the blankets she just picked up; I feel her skin rise in reaction to my cold suit.
For a while, we just sit in silence pretending that her fake fireplace is actually capable of warming us up. I relish in the feeling of her playing with my hair, silently amazed that she remembers to stay away from my ears. She continues to run her fingers through my hair, patiently waiting. Always patiently waiting for me to begin, for me to tell her yet again how I let another woman abuse me. Time and time again, it never changes, but today it did, but I'm not ready to open that box.
We chat for a little while; I listen intently as she tells me about her date with Adrien. Of course, I already know how the story is going to go. I preplan my responses to her dramatic twists. She always has been a great storyteller; I think it has to do with her immaculate planning skills. She did have 3 years' worth of my schedule memorized in our high school days. I know she is still in pain about this date, but she is trying really hard to tell it to me in a way that would cheer me up. It is not having the desired effect she is looking for, but I keep a fake face on for her.
Its quite cruel when I think about it. Adrien knows all about what she has planned for their "dates" when they go because I hear about them as Chat, and Chat knows all about the experiences she tells firsthand as Adrien. I know her story is coming to an end when she tells me that he asked her out on a date...with his friend. I pretend to process, then let out a loud groan like I cannot believe this man's stupidity. I can't seem to help myself as I let words tumble out of my mouth.
"Princess, are you sure this is the one? If the situation ever arise that you need to repopulate the earth, he seems to stupid to figure out how to do that. I on the other h" I am shut up by a mouth full of pillow. I stare at her in mock pain for a solid three seconds before I can't contain the laughter. Maybe she did succeed in making me feel at bit better, but its quickly drowned by the fact that I am the reason she is in so much pain.
I untangle our limbs and stand up from the couch, remembering to adjust the blanket back over her, and begin to plan my exit. I grab the empty mugs from the coffee table and bring them into the kitchen, I can't seem to get my head away from the fact that I am the source of all of her pain. I turn around from placing the cups in the sink and say, "Thanks for the tea, I should probably g-" but she cuts me off with, "Okay, spill it."
"What? It's nothing… Don't worry about it. I should go, it's late." I try to shrug it off, the guilt hitting me like a sack of flour. I don't need to hurt her as Adrien and then burden her with my pain as Chat Noir, it's just not fair. But, by the time I have looked back up at her she has left her spot on the couch and effectively put her tiny body in my path of escape. I've learned the hard way that I am just not getting past her when she gets like this, she can even give me a run for my money.
"No. It's no nothing." She says in a soft voice, but her words are firm. She reaches into the fridge and pulls out a bottle of wine. She stares me dead in the face, fire in her eyes and says, "You're not leaving until this is empty and you've spilled your guts." Damn, I'm really not getting out of this tonight. I sigh and reach for the cabinet containing the glasses. I am very amused when I open the cabinet and spot two stemless cat-shaped wine glasses.
"Really?" I say as I hold the items up to her.
"What?" She looks at me innocently, "They were on sale." I think I am a little touched.
"Whatever loser. Just admit that you love me."
"Shuddup and bring me the damn glasses." She gives me a fake pout before taking one of the glasses from my hands. She fills the glass to the very top with, what I am assuming is, a $5.00 bottle of Moscato. She hands me the glass back and takes the other.
"Why do they call it white wine if it is clear?" I ask her. Hoping to stave off the conversation she really wants just a bit longer.
"To make you ask stupid questions." She says over her shoulder as she walks back over to the couch. I take a minute to admire her milky legs peeking out of her pajama shorts, they seem to stretch for days. She settles quietly on the couch, settling the blanket back over her legs. "Okay, so spill it. Or do I need to get you drunk first?" She nods towards my glass. I follow her back to the couch and sit down.
"No, I'll tell you, but you better make sure I am drunk by the time I've finished because I don't want to have to remember." Her eyes darken a bit, but before I can start to think why, I chug the rest of my drink. I meant it when I said that I don't want to remember. Honestly, it might be the most truthful thing I say all night. She pours more wine into my empty glass.
"It wasn't much different than any other time. She offers a race, and it always ends at our secret spot, and you know how that goes once we get there." I go to bring my wine to my mouth, but I change my mind. If I get too drunk, I may forget which version of me is here right now. I don't need to tell Marinette all of the graphic details of my sex life, I'm sure she has one of her own that she can fill the gaps in with.
"Patrol was quiet, the rain was starting to set in. I could see that she was deep in thought the entire time we were on patrol." I recount to her. I remember the light rain, causing fog to begin forming in the streets below. I can see the sadness in her bluebell eyes tonight. I wonder what was bothering her.
"She offered a race, and you know what. I actually beat her today." I beam at Marinette. I am still avoiding what really happened. I hear her soft. "Oh really?" as I think about what happened next, I run my hand over my neck. I swear sometimes I can still feel her lips. I look back up at Marinette, she is patiently staring at me, just waiting for me to tell her all of it. Just waiting to be there to comfort me when I finally crack. It's that thought that finally causes the tears to fall again.
"She said I love you." I try to whisper, but my voice cracks. As if whispering would protect me from the memory, "She said I love you and she doesn't even mean it." I let the tears run freely down my face, I know Marinette won't judge me for them. Her face reminds me of a deer in headlights for a second before quickly melting into sadness.
"If she said I love you, why aren't you over the moon?" She murmurs to me tenderly, her hand silently finding mine.
"Her eyes...they were hollow." I spit out and pick up the bottle of wine from the coffee table and down the rest. Throwing my better judgement out the window, I tackle her into the couch. I freely let the sobs come. I know she will just hold me. She will try to pick up all of the little, tiny pieces that Ladybug has left me in. She runs her fingers through my hair and uses her other hand to rub small circles into my back. I let myself get lost in the comfort of the feeling. How much easier would it be if I could just love her instead.
Marinette, sweet, sweet Marinette. The princess in my life, she never lets me feel alone. She makes me feel like a knight in leather armor, not just a tool. As I think about how much easier life would be if I just loved Marinette, I notice that she has gone still beneath me, quiet rhythmic breathing escapes her mouth. She must have been so tired, and she still was putting my needs before her own. I move to stand up, I try to jostle her as little as I can, but she still wakes up.
I give her a small grin and say, "Thank you." I really did not want her to wake up.
"Anytime Buttercup." She says sleepily. I head over to the window I came in and perch in the windowsill before turning back to her.
"He will notice you one day; he will see how perfect you are. Don't give up, Adrien will notice you." I give her the best smile I can manage as I feel a little piece of my soul break off.
"She will stop using you; she will realize how amazing you are. Don't give up, Ladybug will stop using you." She softly smiles at me. Before I say something stupid, I force myself into the darkness of Paris. As I soar between rooftops, I let the guilt of using her crush my soul once more.
As I land in my room and release Plagg, I think about how twisted our lives have become. How truly twisted. I wonder what Marinette would think if she ever discovered that the man she planned and confided with was the very same man she adored and was constantly let down by. I see how you look at me as Adrien, cheeks engulfed in red, words fumbling from your lips. I can see just how much you love me; it radiates from every inch of your being. I can't though. I can't remember how all of this started, hands sliding across any skin they can find and heartrates that can match a hummingbird. I want to be able to adore you, to love you the way you do for me, but I just can't. The damage has been done; I can't go back to before. I let her do this to me, I let the woman under the mask, whoever she may be, trick me into falling in love with nothing more than her mask.
If I could take it back, I am not sure that I would. I am selfish enough. Selfish enough to keep that small taste of heaven that she offers at the cost of my soul. I let her delude me into thinking she loves me, I let her pull what she craves from our embraces. I was too willing, too broken to stop her when she first reached to me. I was blind, I didn't see what it was, it was heaven to me. But then I did see, then I realized my taste of heaven was really a trap to lure me to hell, and I can't seem to bring myself to care.
Every time without fail, she leaves me alone. Always the first to leave from our rendezvous, never an apology from her lips, and I run straight to you. The classmate I knew, the woman who was loving and caring enough to take me in, to let me trap her with my pain. I would arrive in tears, still raw from the pain she left me with. I would pull at your heart strings, my princess, and use you. Just like she was using me. You hold me, and give me the love that I crave, even though I know I am tricking it out of you. You don't know you are holding you beloved Adrien in your hands, I still don't know why you let me in.
If only you knew, the man who pretends to be painfully obvious in your presence and the man who comes to you in the night seeking comfort were one in the same. It makes me ill to think about, how could I torture you this way? I feel that I am saving you by denying you your fake taste of heaven, keeping you safe from hell. Plagg tells me that I shouldn't handle things this way, it'll only end badly. I can't bring myself to care. Ladybug doesn't look at me the way Marinette does, it doesn't matter if I have the mask on or not, she still sees me. Without the mask, she sees me with love filling her eyes. With the mask, she sees me with an air of loneliness. With nothing less than sadness on her face she stares at me, but at least she sees me. Ladybug looks straight through me, at least when I have the mask on.
It's a fucked-up merry-go-round we are on. She uses me and in turn I use you. When I come to you as Chat, I know you understand my pain. I tell you all about Ladybug's wicked ways of the heart. In turn, you tell me how Adrien looks right through you. Every time I leave, I tell you Adrien will notice you one day, and you tell me that Ladybug will one day stop using me. It makes both of us smile for a moment, but deep down, I know that Adrien won't stop looking through you and you can't guarantee that Ladybug will stop using me.
Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a review so I can continue to grow as a writer and bring more stories to life. - Auntie Dragneel Out!