A/N: This one is based on Lady A's "Hurt". Lyrics are there for a reason. This one actually took a much different turn than I expected, but I like how it ended up. Reviews are welcome. Also, we clearly know they're not mine. Neither is the song.
If my memory gets the best of me
Then I'll always find an excuse
"It's been a week," Olivia thought to herself as she settled onto the couch with a glass of wine and a piece of cheesecake she knew she shouldn't have, but more than deserved.
The past two years had been nothing short of difficult. Simon, then Ed. Carisi moving to the D.A.'s office. COVID. Protests. Riots. And your everyday rapists.
All of that was merely a footnote to the events of the past week.
Kathy Stabler. Car bomb. Ruptured spleen. Elliot.
The last part had her reaching for the edible, guilty pleasures after she tucked Noah safely away in bed. The extra work frazzled Mom, not from the man in the park, as far as he knew.
"Who is that?" Noah had asked as they ran through the snow.
"An old friend from work," Olivia had said.
"He was looking at you funny," Noah replied.
"I haven't seen him since before you were born," she said. "He probably couldn't believe how different I look now."
"I'm only eight, Mom," Noah said. "It hasn't been THAT long."
Olivia chuckled to herself, thinking about how eight years to Noah is nothing, but 10 years to her has been everything.
"You really didn't talk for 10 years?" Kathy had asked in the hospital.
No. Of course they didn't. Because Elliot had up and left. She remembered what his mother told Kathleen years ago:
"No honey, when your father hates someone, he just walks out of their life."
There had been the shooting. The threat to pull and review his entire jacket. Anger management, because that would have gone over so well. Maybe it wasn't her he hated. Maybe it was the job.
He sent her his badge clip and his medallion. Semper Fi, "always faithful," though some say "always loyal." But faithful to what? Loyal to whom?
With another sip of wine, Olivia knew she couldn't keep playing this game, making excuses for Elliot because the plain and simple fact was he left without a word, sent her some pretty meaningful trinkets, and then disappeared.
Yeah, I'll make-believe
Re-write history
Ignite a spark I can't undo
But she couldn't help but play with the past and her memories.
"If I heard your voice, I wouldn't have been able to leave," he said in the hospital.
But why? They had always been close. So close he'd blamed her for the death of a child. So close that she pretended to be his prostitute to keep them both from getting killed (the shot to his bicep notwithstanding). So close that they actually had to be evaluated by a psychologist to see if they had to be split up.
More often than not, being close always drove them apart. He lashed out after Gitano. She ran to computer crimes, then to Oregon.
But… that couldn't have been it? What reason did he have to run from her? She knew why she ran from him. When Gitano put that blade to her throat and she dropped like a sack of potatoes, then saw him leaning over her, she knew she loved him as more than a partner. But despite the many people who hinted at, and flat out announced, their speculation of his attraction to her—his old partner, his son, his wife, Babs Duffy, Fin—she always thought they were crazy. There's a big difference between being attracted to someone and being in love with them.
Unless she'd been wrong all along.
It always starts out simple, like a conversation
Before I know it I'm lost in your illumination
Olivia wanted to stay mad at him. Even after Kathy, even after the funeral. But that letter, the stupid letter she knew she shouldn't read but read anyway. It drove her back to his hotel. It's what made her ask him to meet up, confront him about the PTSD, and come to the Stabler family intervention. It's been 10 years of separation and 23 years total and somehow being near him still draws her into that place.
He's fascinating to her.
Sitting in her car following the intervention, she can't quite figure out what it is. Why he has this effect on her.
"I'm sorry about all this," Maureen said to Olivia after Elliot stormed out. "Katie and I really thought that you being here would help."
"Of course, we didn't know you and Dad had already talked about his issues," Kathleen said with a raised eyebrow.
"I had him meet me the other morning," Olivia explained to the kids. "I wanted him to get some help before we got to this point. But a lot of good that did, especially because now he probably thinks I set this up and not you guys."
It surprised her to hear Eli speak up.
"He doesn't feel like Dad anymore," he said from the couch. Olivia wasn't sure if he was joining their conversation or speaking more to himself.
She crossed the room to sit next to him, tentatively putting a hand on his shoulder.
"I've seen your dad in many moods, Eli," she said. "He's always felt that his most important job was to protect the people he loves. That means you, and your brother, and your sisters, and your mom."
"And you?" Eli asked, not looking up from his hands.
She looked at the girls, who were nodding.
"I guess sometimes even me," Olivia said. "But right now, he feels like he didn't protect your mom. And by not protecting her, he didn't protect you guys. And he doesn't know what to do with those emotions."
"Is he ever going to get better?" Eli asked, looking at her for the first time that evening.
"Someday," Olivia said. "He just has to realize he needs the help. But someday he will."
And as she sat in the car and thought about the "I Love You," she wondered if he really would get help on his own, or if she was going to have to push him to it. That was something that was supposed to have stopped being her problem quite a few years ago. And yet, she knew she would do it if she had to.
If you catch my eye across a crowded room
I'll fall into the atmosphere surrounding you
If you pull me close just to disappear,
The chances are I'd wait for you a thousand years
She felt like an idiot the way her heart sped up when she turned around from talking to Garland and she spotted him walking in from across the room. She told herself to go to the bar or the bathroom, or literally anywhere but meeting him halfway between where they both stood. But she just couldn't pull herself away.
"You're a little late," she quipped as they met in the aisle.
"I was looking at apartments," he said.
She vaguely knew she answered, but his hand near the small of her back, guiding her through the maze of tables and chairs to the railing, blocked her ears from hearing her own words.
She tried to tell herself not to get used to this closeness again. Not to let herself feel seen, or wanted, or protected. She couldn't let him be in her life just to leave again.
"Because you know you'd wait another 10 years just to feel like this one more time," the little voice in her head whispered.
And she knew it was right.
If you light the fuse you know that I'll react
If you're reckless with your love just to take it back
You could hurt somebody like that
"They're a good-looking couple," he said. "How'd they meet?"
"She was his first partner," Olivia said, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.
And there he was, looking back at her. It was a moment laden with recognition and expectation, and the unsaid (or accidentally said) words of 23 years.
"To partners," she said, as they clinked glasses.
They'd lit the spark again, and she knew even if he took it all back, it was too late, and she'd be the one shattered again.
You're a carnival on a summer night
Gone too soon, every time
Yeah, It's beautiful how you burn so bright
In the wasteland, you leave behind
The weeks and months beyond Fin and Phoebe's non-wedding were a strange combination of familiar and awkward. Richard Wheatley, though still behind bars, was wreaking havoc. TARU wasn't able to trace the text Olivia had gotten that night to meet Elliot at the hospital, but they could prove it didn't come from his phone. And after Wheatley's little performance, they knew he was behind things.
The trial was rapidly approaching, and to keep his mind off of it, Elliot and Olivia had set up weekly lunches at their favorite diner. They aimed for every Thursday, though sometimes it moved throughout the week depending on who had a case. It was at one of these lunches where Elliot had confessed to falling for Angela, which hit Olivia like a punch to the gut, but she tried not to show it.
"You haven't been single for a very long time, El," she said. "That woman knew what she had done and knew exactly what to say to convince you to feel something. It's incredibly devious and, honestly, pretty disgusting."
"But I'm a cop," He said, swirling his coffee in the mug. "I should have been able to tell."
Olivia thought for a moment. A flashback of entering her apartment, calling out for Cassidy, and being struck in the head. Waking up tied to a chair and being burned with her own house keys. He still didn't know, and she wasn't going to tell him here.
"Even a cop is human," she said reaching across the table for his hand. "There are some things even the best cops don't see coming."
He looked at her for a moment. Something behind her eyes looked lost or sad, but he couldn't place it. He'd wondered if he hurt her, telling the truth about Angela. But his therapist had said if he didn't want to lose her again, he should try being completely transparent. He'd been on such thin ice with her since coming back. He didn't want to risk an argument, so he didn't push. Instead, he squeezed her fingers and smiled.
A few weeks later a case for each of them interrupted weekly lunch. Neither of them could get a break until Saturday, and Elliot knew he couldn't wait another week to see her. Their weekly meetups kept him sane, and he felt keeping the standing date was a way to prove to her he wasn't leaving her unannounced again.
"You and Noah free Saturday?" he texted her. "Thought we could do a group lunch with the boys."
He waited 10 minutes with his heart in his throat. She hadn't seen the kids since the night of the intervention and hadn't introduced him to Noah yet. He knew it was risky. He was even prepared for her to say no.
Meanwhile, Olivia wasn't sure what to make of the text. She sat at her desk on Friday staring at it, wondering what his motive was. Lunch had been fine so far. A predetermined period for them to get together and catch up. It was friendly and safe enough. But a weekend with the families? They weren't there yet… were they?
Fin knocking and popping into her office broke her train of thought.
"Hey Cap, I got that last set of paperwork sent over to Carisi. I'm going to head out and pick up Phoebe. We've got Jayden this weekend so we're going to go to the store, get some kid-friendly food and stuff."
She nodded, not really catching what he said.
"Liv, you good?" he asked, coming to sit in one of the chairs in front of her desk.
"Yeah, fine. I'm fine, Fin," she said.
"I know that look," he said. "Do I have to go break Stabler's jaw before I get Phoebe?"
Olivia chuckled a little.
"No, he didn't do anything wrong. We didn't make lunch this week and he wants to know if I'm free tomorrow."
"And?" Fin said, knowing that wasn't her only hitch.
"And he wants us to bring Eli and Noah, too."
"Your man meeting your little man," Fin said with a smirk.
"Elliot isn't my man," Olivia said, staring him down over her glasses.
"Yeah, sure," Fin said. "And Munch isn't a conspiracy theorist."
She let it go, but not before shooting him another withering stare.
"Listen, I know you didn't ask for my advice, but here it is anyway," Fin said, standing up. "I saw what happened to you when he left, and I saw what happened to you when he came back. I saw how he used to be, and how he was after Kathy, and how he is now. You two are better in each other's lives than out of them. Don't punish him or yourself for the past."
Fin walked towards the door, but before he made it there, she eeked out something.
"What if he leaves again?" she says softly. "I've already learned how to deal with it, but all the men in Noah's life except you and Carisi, they've all left him too. I remember having to tell him Uncle Peter wasn't coming back. He loved baseball, and he hasn't picked up a mitt or a ball since. And I can't put him through that pain, because I've felt that pain."
"And what if this time there isn't any pain?" Fin asked with his hand on the doorknob. "What if this time, Noah gets that dad figure he's looking for. And the one you want him to have?"
Olivia opened her mouth to protest, but Fin cut her off.
"Don't even say he wouldn't be a dad, he'd be an uncle. Because I already have the cool uncle role on lock."
Then Fin slipped out of her office and it left her with a decision to make.
She picked up her phone and typed:
"Sounds good. As long as Eli doesn't mind giving up his Saturday to hang out with an old woman and an eight-year-old."
Elliot smiled when his phone buzzed and he read her text.
"Trust me," he typed back. "Any complaint from him will be because he has to spend the day with ME, not you guys."
If you catch my eye across a crowded room
I'll fall into the atmosphere surrounding you
If you pull me close just to disappear,
The chances are I'd wait for you a thousand years
She and Noah pulled into the family fun center at Noon on Saturday. She didn't tell Noah about it until that morning because, as predicted, he talked nonstop the entire ride there.
"So this is your friend from the park?" Noah asked as they got out of the car.
"Yes, and his son," Olivia said, shutting Noah's door. "Eli's a little older than you, so he might not be interested in all the same things," she reminded him.
"You seem nervous, Mom," Noah said as they walked towards the doors. "I'll behave."
"It's not you that I'm worried about," she muttered under her breath as they saw Eli and Elliot standing near the front doors. Eli was leaning against a pillar playing on his phone. Elliot was pacing back and forth with his hands in his jeans pockets.
When Elliot spotted them, he waved and Noah took off running.
"Noah, we're still in a parking lot you have to watch," Olivia said, jogging behind him until they reached the sidewalk. By the time she got there, the introductions had already started.
"I'm Elliot," he said sticking his hand out to shake Noah's. "And this is my son Eli. He's about six years older than you." Eli waved at Noah as he slid his phone in his back pocket and walked over.
"Hi Eli," Olivia said.
"Hi Olivia," Eli said, with his head down. They hadn't talked since the intervention, and she had a bad feeling things could be awkward between them today.
"Noah Porter-Benson," she heard Noah say as he shook Elliot's hand.
"Porter?" Eliott said, raising his eyebrow. Olivia didn't want to have this discussion today, but she guessed they were.
"Yeah, that was my first mom's name," Noah explained. "Before Mom adopted me, right?" Noah said, turning to Olivia.
"That's right, sweet boy," she said, ruffling his hair.
"Can we eat? I'm hungry," Noah said.
"Me too," Eli chimed in.
"Well, go ahead, go in and get us a table," Elliot said to the boys.
Noah went in first, with Eli right behind him. Elliot crossed over to Olivia and gave her a hug, which she reciprocated.
"I thought when Noah said Porter he meant Dean Porter," Elliot said, looking down at his shoes.
"You can't be serious," she said as they walked into the fun center grille.
"I thought you had better taste than that, but…" he trailed off and she swatted him on the arm.
The boys already had a booth when they walked in. The two of them sat on one side, leaving the other open.
"Eli said you guys should sit on the same side, so if we want to go to the arcade before the food comes, you don't have to keep moving," Noah announced when they got to the table.
"How clever of him," Olivia said, eyeing the teenager, wondering if Elliot had put him up to this. Elliot looked just as surprised as she did, so she guessed he wasn't in on it.
She slid in first, across from Noah, with Elliot scooching in beside her. Their legs touched under the table, but neither pulled away.
As the waitress came over, Elliot draped his arm around the back of the booth, behind her. The girl passed out the menus and started rattling off specials.
"And we have the family appetizer platter, Cheesesticks, potato skins, wings, and queso dip with chips. A perfect quick meal so you can get right to the games and activities," she said.
She'd watch each of the boys' eyes light up as she rattled off a different unhealthy option.
"You can also swap out one of the apps for another option if Mom wants something a little healthier," the girl said, gesturing to Olivia.
"No way. That all sounds amazing," Noah said.
"Should we go for that then guys?" Elliot asked, and the boys nodded excitedly.
Olivia scanned Elliot and Eli's faces to see if they caught what she did, but they were already rattling off drink orders and talking about what activities they were going to do today. But Olivia realized the waitress had thought they were a family, a traditional family, where no one was the product of a rape, or adopted, or had just lost their wife or mother, or who suffered from PTSD.
She looked at each of the guys around the table. Three sets of blue eyes. Three sets of brown hair. Adults on one side and kids on the other. They DID look like a family. How long had she waited to be part of something like that?
"Twenty-three years," that voice in her head whispered again. "You've waited 23 years for something like this, and you're going to keep waiting until it happens again."
If you light the fuse you know that I'll react
If you're reckless with your love just to take it back
You could hurt somebody like that
The entire day had gone well. Better than Olivia could have even expected. The family fun center had tons of games and activities. They had go-karts, which Noah was actually old enough and tall enough to drive himself (which gave her a little heart attack). There was mini golf (Elliot creamed them all) and laser tag (Eli creamed them all, despite playing against two cops), and an arcade.
Eli, Elliot, and Olivia gave all their tickets to Noah, who had enough of them to get a board game and way too much candy, which he shared with Eli before they left.
"This has been the BEST day!" Noah said as they were leaving.
"It's been pretty cool little man," Eli said. "Even if we did have to wait for the old folks to keep up with us. Two more years and I'll have that license and I can do stuff on my own."
"I have a long way until I can get my license," Noah said with a pout. "And Mom said I can't even ride the bus or Subway myself until I can get a driver's license."
"Eight more years, Liv?" Elliot asked. "Isn't that a bit much?"
She ignored him, despite wanting to remind him that he tried to prevent his kids from doing numerous things over the years to keep them safe.
"That's what makes older brothers really cool," Eli told Noah. "Dad says I don't know the city well enough to go out on my own yet, so I get my older brother Rich to take me places."
"Mom, can I get an older brother?" Noah asked.
"Not really how it works, kid," she said with a laugh.
"Well, can Eli be my older brother? Can you adopt him like you adopted me?"
It was a simple question, but everyone other than Noah froze a little. Elliot and Olivia looked at one another, not really sure of what to say. But, actually, Eli was the one to diffuse the situation.
"I think I want to stick around for my dad," Eli said. "Old man needs someone to bend down and get stuff off the floor when his back spasms. But I'll tell you what. When I'm old enough to have my license and go out on my own, if your mom says it's okay, I'll take you places."
"Promise?" Noah asked.
"Promise," Eli said, ruffling Noah's hair.
"Well Mr. adult," Elliott started. "Your first duty can be going to get Noah in the car and then getting ours started. We parked right next to each other. Go on. I'm going to say goodbye to Liv."
Olivia unlocked her car and Elliot tossed Eli his keys. The boys went off across the parking lot.
"I'm sorry about that," Olivia said. "He doesn't really know about Kathy or how traditional families work."
"He's fine, Liv," Elliot said. "He's a breath of fresh air for us, honestly. Everybody we know still looks at us with sad eyes. It's nice to be around someone who doesn't see us as anything more than Elliot and Eli."
"Well, I think we're still going to have another lesson about how adoption works," Olivia said.
"Well, I loved every minute of this day," Elliot said.
There was that word again. "Love." In all the time she's known him, he's rarely used it in the context outside of talking about Kathy and the kids. Yet here he is tossing it around in front of her again.
"Maybe we can do it again sometime," Elliot said.
She didn't want to agree. She didn't want to expect something this great again. A day with an adult conversation that didn't center on victims and prosecution. The freedom to let her son go be a kid with someone else and not have the constant fear that she had to watch him every second because he was with Eli. It was nice. It was perfect.
"Yeah, maybe we should do it again," Olivia said.
Elliot hugged her quickly and planted a quick kiss on her cheek that she wasn't even sure actually happened. Then he grabbed her hand and let her over to the cars. He held her door for her as she climbed in.
"Bye Elliot!" Noah yelled from the backseat.
"Bye buddy," he said. "See you soon. And Liv, drive safe. Text me when you guys get home."
"Don't you mean blink my lights when we get inside?" she joked.
"It's 2021, Liv," he said "Do both."
As she drove them home and Noah fell asleep in the backseat, she couldn't stop herself from slowly sinking into the "what-ifs" of the day. Instead of being happy that it happened, she couldn't stop that fear that it would all be ripped away from her again, and now, worst of all, away from Noah.
If you call me up at 3 a.m.
I'll run to the rescue time and time and time again
After a long trial, the Wheatleys, all four of them and the new wife, were behind bars. And they were going to stay there for years. Kathy's case was officially closed.
Olivia hadn't gone to the trial. Elliot had asked to attend but she told him it should be just family. On the day of the verdict, she did call him in the morning and ask him to let her know as soon as a decision was made.
True to his word, he texted her from the courtroom.
"We got them. All of them," it said.
"I'm so glad," she responded "Hug your kids. Tell them I'm proud of them for being strong through all of this. Proud of you too."
She felt lighter than she had in months knowing the Wheatleys weren't anyone's problem anymore. She told the squad about the verdict. They'd all become invested in the case. She even left early and picked up Noah's favorite takeout for dinner.
The evening was wonderful. She and Noah ate and watched a movie. He took a shower and got into bed without argument and they read another three chapters of Percy Jackson before he fell asleep. She got ready for bed and for the first time in a long time, she fell right to sleep.
Until her phone started ringing at 3 a.m.
She checked the caller I.D. and it was Elliot.
"El," she said, picking up the phone. "Is everything okay?"
"Know I should probably call Bell or my shrink," he gruffed into the phone. "But I can't Liv. Need my partner."
"Are you hurt? Are the kids okay?" she asked, afraid of what was going on.
"Everybody is physically fine," he said. "But my mind isn't so good right now."
"Okay," she said. "Give me a few minutes to get dressed and for Lucy to get over here to sit with Noah and then I'll be over."
She dressed quickly and casually. She apologized to Lucy profusely for calling her over in the middle of the night, again. But Elliot sounded bad, and this wasn't something she wanted to brush off until morning.
When she got to the apartment she knocked softly, and he opened the door. It reminded her of the night she had to go find out why he stopped answering his cell phone during the Bushido case. Except this time he was at least wearing a tank top and shorts, and his eyes were red-rimmed from crying.
"El," she said as he pulled her into the apartment and then into a huge hug.
She couldn't really grasp what was happening. He held her tight to his chest with one arm, the other at the back of her head, and he was burying his face in her hair. They stayed that way for a few minutes until he let her take a step back.
"Why don't we go to the couch," she said, leading him over. "Where's Eli?"
"He's at Maureen's tonight," Elliot said. "Carl and his brothers are going on some kind of fishing trip this weekend. Asked Eli and Dickie if they wanted to come along."
"And they're okay? The girls are okay?" she pushed.
"Everyone's okay except me," he said, slumping next to her on the cushions. "We got the conviction, so why do I feel like this?"
"Feel like what?" Olivia asked, gently stroking the back of his hand. "I know you're working through talking about your feelings. Try to tell me in words what you're feeling."
"Empty," he said. "In pain. Guilt."
"Oh Elliot," she said. "I know why you're feeling that way."
"You do?"
"Yes," she said. "Because it's over."
He looked at her, perplexed.
"I don't follow."
"It's over Elliot," she said. "You caught the Wheatleys. They're going to pay for what they did to Kathy. But now that it's over you know that things will move forward and move on without her. And that's sad and scary. You're still grieving."
"But it's been over a year," Elliot said. "I've been to therapy. I followed all the steps and the plans and the rules."
"There's no timetable on grief," she said, tugging his body closer to hers on the couch. "I spent 10 years grieving your absence."
It was out of her mouth before she realized it and then she felt horrible for bringing it up now.
"I didn't mean that," she said.
"You did," he said. "And I deserved it."
"But not right now you didn't," she said, bringing his head to rest on her shoulder and running her hands through his short hair. "My point is, it doesn't go away, but it gets easier. But you can't get mad at yourself or try to stop yourself from feeling your way through it."
"You have to know," he said. "That you weren't the only one grieving when I left."
"We don't have to talk about this now," she said.
"Maybe we don't," he said. "But I just need you to know. I didn't leave because you didn't matter. I left because you mattered too much."
If you pull me close just to disappear
The chances are I'd wait for you a thousand years
If you light the fuse you know that I'll react
If you're reckless with your love just to take it back
You could hurt somebody like that
"El, I can't listen to you say those things," she said. She didn't want to pull away from him when he needed her (again) but she also didn't want to be this close. Luckily, he pulled back so he could look at her.
"I know I messed up, Liv," he said. "For the last ten years, I feel like I've done nothing but mess up. I killed Jenna. Then I ran from both you and the job like a coward. We moved to Italy because my marriage had gone to shit again and Kathy had always wanted to live abroad. I left four kids behind and pulled one away from his siblings for 10 years. I started working on Organized Crime surveillance in Italy and didn't tell Kathy. I lied to her and the kids about how dangerous the job was. I let her start that car. I yanked Eli back from Italy without even talking to him about it. I fell for Angela Wheatley. I wouldn't let you help me. I told you I loved you for the first time in front of my kids at an intervention. I know I messed up, but I don't know how to make any of it better."
He looked broken, though not as broken as at the intervention. That time he looked unhinged. This time he looked like he just needed someone to reassure him that crap decisions of the past didn't dictate his entire future. And she remembered something else his mother had told Kathleen when she was preparing for her court hearing.
"We can't change the past, El," she said. "But we can get up each day and try again tomorrow."
"You sound like my mother," he laughed, but she didn't let on. He still didn't know she ever came to see Kathleen in lockup.
"So let's think about what you can change," she said. "Eli is at his sister's house right now. He's becoming even closer with Dickie and Carl. You're back in New York, with all your children and Eli's adjusting and the kids all know what you're doing for a living again. So I'd say those problems are solved."
Elliot nodded.
"Angela Wheatley was a moment of weakness. She used your vulnerability and her background knowledge of the case to play with your emotions and she's going to rot in a jail cell for it. Another problem solved."
"But," Elliot said, trying to lead her to the rest of his rant.
"You pushed me away at first, but I'm here now. You told me to back off, but called when you needed me, so I'd say that's a step in the right direction."
"You know that's not the part I meant," he said, taking both her hands in his.
"I don't hold what you said at the intervention against you Elliot," she said. "I never did. I know you said it under stress and you didn't mean it. Sure, it's reckless to do something like that, but when have you ever colored insider the lines?"
She smiled at him so he would know she wasn't mad. But he wasn't smiling back. He pulled one hand up to cup her face and he ran his thumb across her cheekbone.
"But I did mean it," he said. "And if you remember, I didn't take it back."
"But you did run out and disappear again after you said it," she said. "I can't let myself believe you meant that only to have it scare you and send you running across the globe again."
"Do you want the truth, Olivia?" He asked. He wasn't angry, his voice was even.
"Yes, I do. I want the truth, El."
"If I had heard your voice after Jenna, I wouldn't have been able to leave. Because I was in love with you. I had been for a long time, and it wasn't fair to you or to Kathy. Some people never get to have anyone, and yet I had the most wonderful wife and mother to my children at home and the most supportive, kind, caring, beautiful partner at work. And after the shooting, I knew I couldn't have them both."
Olivia felt her stomach roll. She always knew she had been a second choice to many people. But to actually hear it come from Elliot hurt worse. But, as Kathy said, they were always so in sync.
"And it wasn't because you were my second choice, Liv," he said. "You're nobody's second choice. But I knew if I left you that you could stand on your own and be okay. And once I was gone, I tried to convince myself that you didn't miss me."
Olivia wanted to be mad at him. It sounded like a complete load of crap. But looking into his eyes, she knew that was seriously what he had done, and it hurt her worse than his leaving.
"You couldn't possibly think that I didn't need you or miss you," she said. "You were everything to me, Elliot. Even though I knew I could never have you all to myself. You were the first person who knew everything about me and stuck around. You were the only person who knew the line between protecting me or looking out for me when I needed it and backing off when I could handle it on my own. That was something no one else in my life ever gave me."
"Not even Tucker?" Elliot asked with a small grin. She swatted him.
"No, not even Tucker," she said. "He cared about me a lot. More than I expected. But he saw a future where we would be this little jet-setting family. Both of us retired, taking Noah on trips. And I wasn't there yet. I'm still not. But he was, and he couldn't reconcile the fact that I still like my job. I still find purpose in it after all this time."
"I get that," Elliot said.
"I know you do," she said. "You've always gotten me better than everyone."
"Always so in sync," Elliot said, as another sad wave washed over his face.
"I know Kathy was never my biggest supporter," Olivia said. "I know she could tell that I had feelings for you long ago. Maybe even before I knew I had them myself."
"You had feelings for me?" Elliot asked, genuinely confused.
"Sure did," she said. "Still do. But I realized after Gitano and it's why I ran."
"I knew back with the Richard White case," Elliot said. "But I wouldn't let myself admit it until Gitano."
"I knew you weren't just in the neighborhood to drive me to work," she said. "But my point is, I never would have done anything to hurt Kathy. She meant everything to you, her, and the kids. And I was just your partner."
"You have never been 'just my partner'," he said, adding air quotes. "But now, what are we?"
Olivia paused. She didn't know how to answer that question.
"We're friends," she said. "Friends who apparently have feelings for each other."
"I don't just have feelings Liv," he said. "I lo-."
"Don't say it, Elliot," she said, putting a finger to his lips. "You can't be so cavalier with that word anymore. You say it and then take it back, or run away, that's how people get hurt."
"Good thing I never intend to do those things because I love you, Olivia Benson," he said. "No takebacks. No running to Italy or anywhere else on this globe unless you're coming with me. That is only if you've decided the time is right."
"It's not just me anymore," she said. "There's Noah to think about. And Eli and the rest of your kids."
"You know my older four love you, too. You've been there for them through everything," he said. "And without you, Eli wouldn't even be here. He's been asking when we can see you again. He knows how much you mean to this family."
Elliot pauses to make sure he words the next part carefully.
"And I already love Noah," Elliot said. "He is yours, which already gave him an advantage, but I love him all on his own. And maybe, if you haven't had that adoption talk with him yet, someday in the future I could sit in on that with you. You know, give him not just an older brother, but two, and three sisters."
"These are some big words, Stabler," she said. "You have to mean them. I don't think I could take it again if you didn't."
"I mean every one," he said. "And being able to say them out loud is making this painful, empty feeling inside hurt a little less. We've taken care of Kathy, but now you and Noah are what's missing. No more running. No more leaving."
Olivia looked at him for signs of his PTSD, or fear, or any other emotion that could be influencing his declarations. But all she saw was the truth.
"Then I love you too, Elliot Stabler," Olivia said before bursting out into laughter.
"That's not funny!" he said, pulling her into his lap as she convulsed in giggles.
"It's funny because I can't believe we made it here after 10 years," she said.
"I think you mean 23 years," he said, inching closer to her lips. "Twenty-three years and a lifetime to go."
Olivia was going to respond, but she couldn't. Elliot's lips had already closed over hers.
You could hurt somebody like that