A/N: Hi again! I felt a little creatively blocked after blowing through "New York in the Fall." I love this song but don't know if I love the execution because I tried to force a New Year's fic. Eh, you win some you lose some!
Disclaimer: Song is "I Swore I Was Leaving" from the What a Song Can Do full album.
I know that if I stay, this is gonna go
Somewhere I don't wanna go again
Olivia Benson always hated New Year's Eve. By all accounts she should like it. She liked getting dressed up in cute outfits, liked seeing people happy, and liked the promise of new beginnings and the chance to start over.
Maybe it came from being a cop, where more often than not that bliss could turn to anguish real quick after too much alcohol, or maybe it was some deep-seated repressed memory from childhood, but those feelings had not changed, even after Noah. She'd warmed to birthdays, Christmas, even Easter, but New Year's was still on her shit list.
It probably didn't help that she'd been called in to work on nearly every single one for the last 20-some odd years. Like tonight, where it looked like a grizzly serial had made his latest move on a girl just trying to make it to her festivities, and she never arrived. They'd finished for the day around 10 p.m., having to wait on lab tests and stuff, and Olivia just could not take those images home in her head and try to be peppy with Noah and watch the ball drop when she had been feeling down before she even left the apartment.
So she went to O'Malley's. Truthfully she hadn't been there in years. About 10 years to be exact. That had always been their place, her, Elliot, Munch and Fin. After she'd turned them down to go out for the fifth or sixth time after Elliot left, the boys finally caught on and picked a new bar, and that's where they'd gone from there on out.
She didn't know what exactly drew her here tonight. It wasn't like it was close to the crime scene, nor her apartment. It wasn't like they were getting the band back together for old time sake. But it was, a dirty little hole-in-the-wall cop bar, and on New Year's Eve, practically empty as the department ran itself ragged trying to clean up the last messes of the year and the first carryovers into the new one.
The place hadn't changed a bit, and she debated between just sitting at the bar or going for their old favorite booth by the window. The booth won out and she was actually surprised to find that their disturbing, inarticulate little carvings still dotted the wood.
Mighty Munch Master, which John had dubbed himself after one particularly weird night of tequila shots.
Fin Wuz Here, not totally original but he didn't want to carve anything in the first place.
It wasn't me, Cragen's addition, so nobody could trace it back to him.
ES+OB P4L, her and Elliot's joint inscription. He'd carved their initials and she'd added their moniker for "partners for life." Just like everything else, the two of them were co-dependent and intertwined, even in vandalism.
She kept running her fingers over their carving as she sipped her wine. She remembered the days when they would take random shots of whatever, or toss back beers. But these days, anything harder than wine made her sick, and she'd been trying to watch her gluten, so wine it always was.
She checked her watch after finishing her second glass, her self-imposed limit, especially when she had to drive, and saw it was almost 11 p.m. She let her head lull back against the booth and closed her eyes, knowing she should get home to Noah. He'd made it to midnight last year and was determined to do so again. And no matter how much she hated the holiday, he still found it enchanting and exciting, and she'd always promised herself she'd give him the holidays she hadn't had as a child.
When she opened her eyes, she'd expected to gather her coat and her purse and leave. She didn't expect to see Elliot staring right back at her from the door. She knew she had to get out of there before he came over and sat down.
I could turn back around, I probably should
We were never good at just being friends
Elliot wasn't quite sure what had drawn him to O'Malley's tonight, until he walked in the front door and saw Olivia sitting in their booth, an empty glass of wine on the table, her head leaned back against the seat and her eyes closed.
It maybe should have surprised him more than it did to see her there, tonight of all nights when he was lost and looking for anything to grab onto, anything familiar. But it didn't.
He'd been dreading the new year. The last nine months had been a blur, Christmas had been hard, but New Year's was slowly gutting him. Kathy would never see the next year because of him. And as ridiculous as he knew it was, Elliot was actually nervous about not having someone to kiss at midnight. He was almost a 56 year old man, but he'd had a girl to kiss on New Year's for the last 40. He'd never much believed in superstition and luck, until he realized he'd be going without.
His older kids all had plans, his mother found New Year's to be a crock and preferred to watch stuff she put on the DVR and go to bed early. Eli had worked out a celebration thing with his friends in Rome. They got on Zoom at 6 p.m. New York time to celebrate the New Year in Italy, and then they went to bed and were all going to get up at 12 a.m. New York time to celebrate again.
That had left Elliot alone. And he would have called Liv, but he didn't know if that would be overstepping. The Christmas party had gone well enough. He loved Noah immediately, as did the rest of the family. They'd had a good time, everyone eating and joking and laughing. And there had been a few moments between him and Liv. They touched now, apparently. It was a new thing, and he had a hard time keeping his hands from brushing her back and her arms and her thighs every chance he could get. Then he didn't hear from her again for three weeks, minus a "Merry Christmas, thinking of you today" text on Christmas Day.
He didn't know how long "for now" was supposed to stand, and he didn't know if he could wait long enough not to screw it up.
He thought about turning around and walking out of the bar before she could catch him. Because he wasn't doing a stellar job of being just her friend, and with an hour to the new year, when all he was going to be thinking about doing was kissing her at midnight? It wasn't in his best interest.
But Olivia, or God, or fate had other plans because just as he went to reach behind him to grab the doorknob, she opened her eyes and stared right back at him. He swallowed the lump in his throat and made his way to her.
I was just thinking 'bout closing my tab
Then you came in here lookin' like that
No, no, no, Olivia thought as she saw Elliot taking his big strides towards the booth. She wasn't quick enough.
Frankly, she was nervous to be around Elliot again. The Christmas party had scared her because it had gone too well. Noah loved the Stablers and talked about them everyday. When could he see Eli again so they could have a Guitar Hero rematch? When could Kathleen teach him how to make her special apple cinnamon cookies? When could he go listen to Grandma B tell stories? When could Dickie take him to a baseball game? When could he have a playdate with Kieran and Seamus? When was his next dance recital so he could invite Lizzie? When could they go to Elliot's again?
On top of the question of the day, she and Elliot had had far too many intimate moments during the party. He had been so close to her seemingly the entire time they were there. Right next to her on any piece of furniture, thighs touching. Lightly grabbing her arm or elbow to show her something rather than calling her name. She thought he was going to kiss her on the terrace, which scared her the most. And she couldn't tell if it was more because she actually wanted him to, or that she knew if he did it and changed his mind, she wouldn't recover.
So she'd done the typical Olivia thing and pumped the brakes. She hadn't initiated any conversations except for a Christmas greeting on the actual holiday, and neither had he. She wasn't prepared for him, especially not tonight.
"Fancy meeting you here," Elliot said, dropping into the booth. It was weird to be sitting opposite of him here. They'd always shared a side and Munch and Fin took the other, while Cragen usually pulled over a stool if he came.
"I was actually just going to pay my tab," Olivia said, seeing his face fall with her words.
"You sure you can't have another with an old friend?" he asked.
"I'm at my limit," she said. "I'm driving."
"A water then? Or a soda?" he asked. "You can close your tab and it'll be my treat."
She wanted to say no. She didn't want to sit and make small talk while their decade-old declaration stared up at her. But there was something about his eyes, a pleading in them that she couldn't ignore.
"Fine," she said, digging her card out of her purse and passing it to him. "Close me out, get me a Coke."
She didn't know what exactly she was getting herself into.
"Coming right up," he said, sliding from the booth.
I swore I was leavin'
After this drink
'Til you walked in this evenin'
And changed everything
Elliot returned with her Coke and a beer for himself, passing her the card and her receipt.
"You know, I was planning on going home after that glass of wine," she said.
"Look, Liv, if you've got to get back to Noah I understand," Elliot said, taking a swig.
"He's with Lucy, his nanny, and my angel on earth," Olivia said. "He's fine. Probably having a better time anyway."
"You never were one for New Year's," Elliot said.
"Never helped that I was always on call because someone was home," she said.
"You volunteered!" Elliot said. "Only year you let me take it from you was the year I was separated, and you still came in anyway."
"Yeah, well, what else did I have to do?" she said.
"You have plenty to do now," Elliot whispered. "Your life is full, and I couldn't be happier for you Liv."
"It might look full, but sometimes it still feels empty," she said.
"You know, I meant it when I said I want to know what I missed," Elliot said. "I know I was being an ass trying to get you going at the hospital, asking about who you dated. But I want to know everything. Not just that."
"Trust me, I don't think you want to know everything," Olivia said.
"I do," Elliot said. "I want to know all about your pregnancy with Noah, how much you griped about desk duty, how you rose up through the ranks. Your best cases, your worst cases. How you picked your new apartment. Everything."
She was surprised by how much he really didn't have a clue about. He'd told her he had lived in Europe not under a rock, but it was glaringly obvious he didn't have even a guess what happened to her in the last decade. And she supposed he never would if she didn't tell him.
"Well, first off, Noah's adopted," Olivia said.
"Seriously?" Elliot asked. "But he's mini Benson 2.0. Everything from the mannerisms to the hair. All but those blue eyes."
Noah's blue eyes had always gotten to her. There were nights when he was a baby when she'd hold him and he'd stare up at her with those baby blues and she couldn't help but see areas where he looked like a mix of her and Elliot together. It helped a little when she dated Ed, as Noah grew up she could imagine it was Ed's features he shared, but there were times, even now and before the Christmas party, where Noah would say or do something and she'd think "that screams Stabler."
She knew it was impossible, given his adoption and the fact that he hadn't met any of the Stablers until a few weeks ago, but sometimes it did freak her out.
"Well, I've always been easily persuaded by blue-eyed men," she said, taking a sip of her soda before realizing how that sounded.
"That so?" Elliot said, sending her one of his cat-ate-the-canary grins.
"Pain in the ass old partners notwithstanding," she said.
"I missed this, Liv," he said, sighing and taking her hand across the table.
She'd be lying if she said she didn't miss it too.
Now we both know what's comin'
At the end of the night
They didn't touch much when they were partners, and Elliot knew why. Because now that he can openly grab her hand and hug her and brush the small of her back when they walk through doors, he never wants to stop.
So he was damn glad when she let him keep holding her hand, caressing her knuckles with his thumb as she told him the story of how she found Noah in a dresser drawer and followed his case so diligently that the judge asked her specifically to be his foster mother.
"You're amazing," he said when she was finished.
"Hardly," she responded with a chuckle.
"You are," Elliot insisted. "You always know just what someone needs. What they need you to do, what they need to hear. When they need your love and care."
As soon as it was out of his mouth, Elliot felt he had said too much. Olivia responded by squeezing his hand.
"Why do I feel like we're not just talking about Noah anymore?" she asked.
Elliot gulped.
"Because we're not," he said, but refused to go any further.
He stared across the table at her, but her brown eyes were studying him. He couldn't speak for her, but he knew he'd spent most of their partnership trying not to look at her too hard. He tried not to get too lost in her eyes, stare too much when her lips curled up into a genuine smile, or let his eyes roam her body in whatever outfit she was wearing. Or, in the case of some undercover operations, everything she wasn't wearing.
It was funny to watch her now, almost studying him. Trying to memorize every line on his face, every mannerism, as if she'd blink and he'd be gone, and she'd have to have it all committed to memory.
Though, perhaps it was something she realized over the last 10 years, that she wished she would have done back when they were partners. Elliot thought about her every day in Rome, but there were some things he just hadn't committed to memory because he was always trying so hard not to stare, like the placement of all her visible freckles, or the exact color her hair was when it got hit with mid-afternoon sun when she stepped out of the sedan.
He became uncomfortable under her gaze, letting his eyes wander freely now too, knowing what he was seeing, what she might be seeing, and knowing that if they kept this up any longer, they might be seeing a whole lot more of each other than they intended tonight.
Olivia stood abruptly from the table, breaking their hand hold, and he knew the jig was up.
I swore I was leavin'
But with us, it's never goodbye
Olivia had been studying him, and she knew he knew it just by the smug look he had on his face. She wasn't upset about getting caught exactly, but it felt far too intimate now. She had permission to look at all the parts of him. And while he'd clearly picked up a rigorous gym habit in the last 10 years and she was never one to breeze by a well-kept form, it had always been Elliot's face she truly wanted to study.
The arch of his eyebrows, the slope of his nose, the curve of his lips. She'd always felt they weren't truly hers to know. Somehow to her, that was more personal than everything she surely did see the night she'd busted into his fake home during the Bushido undercover case. A body is a body, but your eyes and your face give way to your soul.
And the recognition that she could now view these things openly, she could allow herself to get caught and it wouldn't send both of their worlds crashing down around them, it scared her. It scared her because if she was just brave enough to take the leap, she could finally learn all the things she'd been thinking and wondering about for years. But she hadn't built these walls up for nothing, so she quickly let go of his hand and stood from the booth.
"Everything okay?" he asked, looking at her concerned, confused.
"Yeah," she said, shaking her head. "I just, I um, I should probably…"
"Like I said, Liv," Elliot started. "If you need to leave, it's okay."
"No, um, I just need to use the restroom," she said, turning away.
The restroom was a good excuse. It would give her a few minutes to compose herself then get the hell out of dodge.
She felt a hand at her wrist before she could get too far from the table.
"You're not going to crawl out the bathroom window on me, are you?" he asked, a small smile playing on his lips. "Because if you are, at least tell me goodbye."
His face and voice were just as soft as the day he asked her to bring Noah to Christmas. There was a tenderness to it that she didn't know he possessed, and she would have outright denied he possessed until she heard it that day in the Jersey squad room. But here it was again, wrapping her in a warmth she didn't know she needed to feel.
"El," she whispered, sliding his hand from her wrist and into hers again. "I'm not the one that leaves without saying goodbye. You know that."
"Oregon," he said simply, stating a fact.
"Italy," she responded.
He squeezed her hand.
"Even?" he asked.
"Not by a long shot," she said, squeezing back. "But I'm willing to call a truce for the last, what, half hour of 2021?"
"Deal," he said, releasing her so she could walk to the restroom in peace.
Baby, I was done when the neon buzzed
And that song we love started to play
Olivia had been in the bathroom for about 10 minutes but Elliot didn't want to get too alarmed that she really had climbed out the window and left her coat and purse behind because she was so eager to get away from him.
He'd finished the last of his beer and listened to the neon buzz, something he was convinced you could only really hear in a nearly empty cop bar on New Year's Eve. He smiled when he finally saw her emerge from the back of the room and watched her walk to him. Her walk was all sway and confidence, the way her hips moved easily from side to side, letting everyone in the room know she was in charge and she called the shots.
"What's so funny?" she asked as she slid back into the booth.
"Thought you really did ditch me there for a minute," he said. "Just to prove a point."
"I don't have a point to prove," she said. "I think I said all I needed to say to you that night in front of the courthouse."
Elliot was ashamed to admit how often he replayed her words in his mind, mostly because she'd been exactly right. He hadn't asked her anything about her life since he'd been back. He'd gone for drinks with Fin and tried to get the lowdown on her. He showed up at her house drugged, and tried as he might to blame the fact that he wasn't in his right mind and the only thing he could think about was feeling completely out of control and knowing she would keep him safe, it wasn't really an excuse. Her and her son's feeling of security in their own home should and would always come first from now on.
"I still don't know why I gave you the letter, Liv," he said, meaning it.
She scoffed.
"I'm serious," he said. "It was a poor judgement call."
"Elliot, I don't want to fight with you right now, but that was a hell of a lot more than a poor judgement call," Olivia said. "Did you really think I wouldn't read it? Or did you think I wouldn't actually care what it said?"
Elliot took a deep breath. He hadn't really given it much thought when he passed the letter over to her that day in the snow at the park. When she shut him down so quickly about Italy he just felt like maybe she needed it. She needed to see Kathy's words spilled out on paper.
"I think I thought that I wanted to know if you still cared," Elliot said, trying to choose his words carefully. "And if you came to talk to me about the letter, it meant you read it. And if you were pissed at me, it meant you cared. And I think that was selfish."
"Yeah, El," she said. "That was selfish."
"You gotta know that I intended to tell you Kathy wrote it right away," he said. "If you confronted me about it."
"But I did confront you," Olivia said. "In the hotel lobby and you brushed me off."
"I'd just come back from finding Manfredi Sinatra murdered on the ferris wheel at Coney Island," Elliot said. "I was spiraling."
"Kinda got that impression," she said.
He wanted to say something else, but he laughed instead when he heard the song coming out of the speakers.
Yeah, it'd be a shame if I didn't ask you
For a dance for old times' sake
They'd finally been getting somewhere, with the letter, with the crazy episodes he'd been having, until he had another mental crackup and started laughing for no reason.
"What I said wasn't that funny," she replied.
He was still smiling as he shook his head.
"You hear the song?" Elliot asked.
Olivia shut her eyes for a minute to try to focus on the music. It was "She's Always a Woman" by Billy Joel.
She hadn't heard that song in a long time, but she remembered the first time they'd heard it together. They'd been on some terribly long stakeout, had run out of just about everything they could to keep themselves occupied, so she started digging the car's center console, either to organize it or just keep herself awake. She'd found a Billy Joel CD in there, popped it in the stereo, and this song had come on. He laughed as he sang it loud and offkey, right to her, then dubbed it the "Olivia Benson song," saying she absolutely must have been Billy's muse because it was written just for her.
When she opened her eyes, he was standing next to the booth with his hand extended.
"Care to dance?" he asked.
"El, we're in the middle of a bar, there's tables everywhere," she said.
"I'll lead you around them," he said. "Can't have you messing up that ankle again, can we?"
She knew it was silly, and she knew it was stupid, but wasn't that was New Year's was supposed to be all about, so as everyone always seemed to tell her.
"Fine," she said, taking his hand.
He kept their hands clasped as he slid his other arm around her waist and she rested hers along his shoulders. He helped her sway slightly through the tables, all while whispering the lyrics in her ear until they had floated all around the room and they'd come to a stop in front of their booth when the song finished.
She was just about to sit back down when he tugged her back up.
"Five minutes to midnight," he said. "You wanna go stand at the bar and watch the ball drop?"
Truthfully, no, she didn't care to see the ball drop. She found the tradition kind of stupid. But he looked like an eager little boy, just like Noah, waiting for the magic to happen.
"Okay," she answered, picking up her purse and coat and hauling them over to a stool. They both stood behind stools, watching Jenny McCarthy flirt with random men in the audience and Ryan Seacrest ramble trying to fill the space before the countdown began.
Olivia could feel her gut twisting the closer it got to midnight. One benefit of often working New Year's Eve was the alleviation of pressure for trying to find someone for a midnight kiss. The first and last time she had one was the last New Year's she spent with Ed. They'd both gotten the night off, Noah had zonked out between them on her couch, and he'd leaned over and pecked her on the lips as soon as the clock turned 12. A lot of good it did her since by the time the next year rolled around he was gone. Would Elliot expect them to kiss at midnight?
Olivia fretted her way through the entire countdown, and as the fireworks boomed and the notes of Auld Lang Syne streamed from the TV, she and Elliot turned to look at each other.
I know it ain't right to drag this along
But I'm no good at movin' on
He would be lying if he wasn't dying to kiss her right now at midnight, in the first seconds of 2022. He wanted it as a promise, that they'd be there for each other on this two-way street for the coming year and beyond, but he could see it in her face. She was terrified.
"When was your last midnight kiss, Liv?" Elliot asked, knowing he was probably pushing the lines.
"The last year I spent with Ed," Olivia said.
He still didn't know everything about that relationship, but he knew the man had died, and remembering that probably brought up a lot of painful memories for her.
"Is there a rule that says friends can't share in the tradition?" Elliot asked.
She tilted her head and rolled her eyes at him.
"El," she said with a sigh.
"Just on the cheek," he said. "Scouts honor."
"Oh like you were a well-behaved Boy Scout," she said.
"I was a scout," he said. "They don't give out merit badges for being well behaved. I promise. Just a friendly gesture to remind you that I'm going to be here through the new year."
He could see her weighing her options. It was beyond midnight now. Long enough past that it was silly to still even be having the conversation, but Elliot was like a dog with a bone. He wouldn't, or maybe couldn't, move on without making some sort of promise to her tonight that he was sticking around, that he wouldn't abandon her again.
"Fine," she finally answered, sliding her hair behind her ear on the side closest to him to expose her cheek.
They'd never kissed before. Hugged a few times. He'd buried his face in her neck when Kathy died, but their lips had never come close to part of the other's body. And suddenly, Elliot felt like a teenager again, and he was just going to kiss her cheek. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and hoped to God he didn't miss because he wasn't looking where he was going.
So it was surprising as hell when he didn't feel the bones of her cheek and jaw against his lips but rather something much softer and slicker. He popped his eyes open to see that Olivia had turned herself and he was kissing her for real, not just on the cheek.
He reached up to cup her jaw as she deepened the kiss, and they stood there making out like a couple of kids. He swore he heard the bartender, a guy he recognized from years ago, mutter "finally" under his breath.
When they pulled back he knew he was grinning like an idiot, but he didn't care.
"What happened to being well-behaved?" he asked.
"I was never a Girl Scout," she said. "And I've never been accused of being well behaved."
"Do friends 'for now' kiss like that?" he asked, sending her one of his cockiest smirks.
"I don't know," she said, reaching up and adjusting the collar on his jacket, which got turned up during their escapades. "You're the first guy I've ever been friends 'for now' with. Kinda writing the rule book as we go."
"Well in that case, Captain," Elliot said. "I have some rules of my own to add."
I swore I was leavin'
After this drink
'Til you walked in this evenin'
And changed everything
"You're such a cocky son of a bitch," Olivia said, a blush rushing to her cheeks.
She didn't know exactly what possessed her to turn her head as Elliot had been lowering in for the kiss. Maybe it was the fact that she could see out of her periphery that his eyes were shut and he looked nervous as hell. Maybe it was the fact that it was now 2022, and if the calendar could change, so could she. Maybe it was because she just really wanted to freaking know what his lips felt like on hers.
"If I didn't know any better," Elliot said. "I'd say you liked that about me."
"You know, I was planning on leaving here an hour ago," she said. "Until you showed up."
"I told you that you could leave," he said.
"That's the thing," she said. "When you're involved, I can't."
"Maybe that's why I gave you the letter, Liv," he said. "Maybe that's why I went to Italy."
The conversation took a turn again, and she didn't trust herself to have it leaning against the bar, so she retreated back to their booth and he followed.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Look, Kathy got some stuff wrong in the letter," Elliot said. "I think we both know that what we had was real. Hard to put a label on it, but it was real nonetheless."
That was the part of the letter that hurt her the worst. Because she could question herself about her own feelings, or if those feelings had ever been reciprocated. But their partnership had been real. Their friendship. The love she had for his children, his whole family, even Kathy. Their utter devotion to one another to make sure they both made it home alive every night. All those things were real.
"But it wasn't all wrong," he said. "My being here held you back. We were both content with staying detectives forever at those same desks just to be near one another. But you were destined for greater things. And look at you now. Captain, Mother, Wonder Woman. Can you look me in the eye and tell me you would be all those things right now if I continued to pull your ass down into the trenches, into IAB's crosshairs, for another 10 years?"
"I can't speak to that because you didn't give me the choice," she said, the words slipping out in a tone much more harsh than she intended. "You took the choice from me Elliot when you left without a word, and then tried to send me little trinkets to make it better. But it didn't. Because on the best and worst days of my life, it wasn't just that my best friend wasn't there. I couldn't even call him. I didn't even know if he was still alive."
She knew she hit a nerve when she said that and tried to smooth it over.
"I still don't want to fight, El," she said. "But I don't think you know how hard it was on the day I adopted Noah to look back into the gallery and see the faces of his new extended family, and you weren't in it. Or the day he was baptized, something I did because I remembered your words about giving kids an anchor to hold onto when life felt out of control, and you weren't standing there with us, making a pledge as his godfather. It hurt Elliot. So no matter how much you think you held me back, it hurt worse that you weren't there when I decided to do something better."
It was evident on his face that her words hurt him, and she reached to put a hand on his forearm, which he covered with his other hand.
"I'm sorry I missed it all, too," he said, tears brimming in his eyes and making them even more blue. "I'm sorry you missed Maureen's wedding, and the twins' graduation from college. Eli's growing up, when my grandkids were born. You were always part of our family, Liv. And whether you know it or not, I always felt your absence too, in the big moments."
"I just wish there was a way to make up for lost time," she said.
Now we both know what's comin'
At the end of the night
Elliot felt the air dry up between them as he pictured exactly how he wanted to make up for lost time. It wasn't at all appropriate and he felt like a horrible perv for even letting sex cross his mind in the middle of this conversation, so he tried to switch tactics.
"What were you going to say to me," Elliot said. "The night you came to the hotel and wanted to talk about the letter."
He could see the question threw her.
"Well I was going to ask you to explain it," she said. "But aside from that, I didn't have a plan."
"You always have a plan," he said. "So what speech had you prepared for me? What pieces exactly were you going to dissect?"
"Does it matter?" she asked.
"It matters to me," Elliot said.
"I wanted to know why it didn't sound like you," she said. "Because the man that I knew wouldn't just walk away and then feed me lines of crap that contradicted everything he'd told me for 12 years. But then you didn't want to talk about it, so I started to believe everything it said was true."
"It wasn't," he said.
"But Kathy thought it was," she said.
"Kathy found my journal," Elliot said.
"Your what now?" Olivia asked.
"When we moved to Italy, I started keeping a journal," Elliot said. "Mostly because I had a hard time sleeping at night. It gave me something to do. But then I realized I was writing every entry to you."
Olivia felt like someone stole her breath. Elliot was not a man of many words, which made the letter so unbelievable in the first place. But now to find that he'd written her journal entries?
"I talked about all the things I'd see every day that I thought you'd love," he said. "I told you all about Eli and the other kids. How sorry I was for leaving you. It turned into this therapeutic thing to be able to tell you all the things I'd never said to you. I had it in a shoebox in the back of my closet and Kathy found it one day and read it all."
She felt her stomach clench.
"She confronted me," Elliot said. "This was after we'd already RSVPd to your ceremony. And she told me if I wanted to write to you so badly, then I should write you a letter. And she'd help. It was a punishment for me because she found my deepest darkest secret and confirmed her own worst fears. I loved her, but I was in love with you. Even 10 years later and an ocean away. I wouldn't leave her, wouldn't break up our family, but it didn't change how I felt."
Yeah, I swore I was leavin'
But with us it's never goodbye
Elliot felt guilty telling her all these things. He knew she wouldn't take them well. She'd always had a hard time believing she was worthy of being loved. It genuinely confused her when guys like Brian Cassidy fell head over heels for her after just one night.
He knew she felt abandoned by him because that's exactly what he'd done. Elliot had never been completely sure of her feelings for him, but even in friendship he knew she'd feel slighted if he left without a word, but he did it anyway. Instead, he took the coward's way out, only able to tell her the truth when he knew she wouldn't be able to see it or hear it.
"Please tell me you're lying," Olivia said. "You had everything. Why would you risk that for someone like me?"
"I don't think you get it," he said. "I wasn't pining after someone like you, Olivia. I wanted you, all of you. Everything about you. I loved Kathy, I love our kids. That all still stood, still stands. But you know damn well what we had was real, and that even in this universe, it's always going to be you and I, even if it's not romantically. It will always be Benson and Stabler, Elliot and Olivia, partners for life. It's carved into this damn table."
Elliot jabbed his finger down at the words that stared up at them for emphasis.
"Elliot," she started. "I think I need to go."
"Don't run from me, Liv," he said. "We were finally getting back on track. Don't make this the end."
"I have to go," she said, more firmly, grabbing her things and standing.
He watched her, head down, trembling, and walking toward the door.
Well, the bar's nearly closed, I hate being alone
And the rock in your glass is half gone
Elliot knew he couldn't just let her leave. He tossed bills on the table to pay his tab, probably more than his beer and her Coke were even worth, and he ran out the door after her.
"You can't walk away Benson," he yelled down the sidewalk. "Please."
"I have to get home to my son," Olivia said. "You should do the same."
"It's not 2008 anymore," he said. "We don't have to keep running."
"I said I wanted a friendship with you Elliot," Olivia said. "I never agreed to all this."
"Yeah, trust me, I know," Elliot said. "I never expected to fall head over heels for my partner and my best friend. I never expected to have to leave her without a word because I knew if I heard her voice I would do something we both regret. I knew I'd hurt my wife, and my kids, and you. I didn't choose any of this and I fought like hell to try to make it go away. But I can't Liv. You can keep walking, and go home to Noah, and never talk to me again, but I'm still going to be sitting like a chump over in Long Island City thinking about you and writing you journal entries every night. Because I love you, whether you can accept it or not."
She'd stopped walking but her back was still to him and the words hung in the air between them like early morning fog.
"There's so much you don't know," she said, barely above a whisper.
"Then tell me," he said.
"It hasn't even been a year," she said. "What will your kids think? God, Dickie already thought we slept together like 12 years ago."
"But we didn't," he said.
"And I cannot let you get anywhere near Noah if you decide that tomorrow you've changed your mind and you're going to jet back to Italy," she said.
"I'm not," he said.
"And I'm not supposed to be the one to get the man," she said, finally turning to face him.
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because I always want what I can't have," she said.
"I think we've both wanted what we can't have for a long time now," he said, closing the gap between them. "But that's the funny thing about life. Once you finally can have them, you're scared as hell about the change."
"I don't know how to do this with you," she said. "And I don't want to lose you again."
"Whether you know it or not, you never lost me in the first place," Elliot said. "I was always coming back to you. It was inevitable."
"What happens tomorrow when you change your mind?" she asked.
"I'm not changing my mind," Elliot said. "And the only way I can prove that to you is by continuing to show up. But I can only do that if you let me in."
"I don't know if I know how to do that anymore," she said.
"Tell me what you need, Olivia," he said, echoing what she asked him months ago at the intervention.
"I really don't want to be alone tonight," she said. "Because if I am, I'll overthink everything into oblivion, and maybe induce a panic attack and that's not how I want to start the new year. God I hate this holiday."
"Then let me take you home," he said.
I swore I was leavin'
After one drink
'Til you walked in this evenin'
Oh, and you changed everything
Olivia felt the tears blurring her vision. This holiday was always a giant shit storm, and here was Elliot propositioning to take her home.
"I was going to have two damn glasses of wine and then you walked in and jacked up the entire evening," she said with a sniffle.
"I was gonna just be some SVU detective from Queens until I had this badass partner walk into the precinct," he said. "Guess things change."
"Don't blame this on me," she said.
"There's no blame," he said. "I'm just telling the truth. I never expected you, Olivia. God I never expected this, any of this. I barely ever had time to think about a future beyond my own nose because I got my girlfriend pregnant at 18. I sure as hell never expected to fall for my partner, or move to Italy, or have my wife die from a mob hit car bomb."
"What's your point?" Olivia said.
"I don't have a point," Elliot said. "The only thing I know for sure is that you make me feel safe. You make me feel whole. That even when you scare the shit out of me I know everything's going to be okay if you're there."
"I used to feel the same way," Olivia said. "Until I really needed you and you weren't there."
"I'm sorry I missed everything with Noah," Elliot said.
"No," she said, stopping him mid-sentence. "You don't get it at all. You missed a lot of the good things in my life, but I went to hell and back and you were nowhere to be found. And trust me, I knew better by then than to be looking over my shoulder waiting for you to come to my rescue, but when I was so broken that I started to feel that my only way out was to eat my own gun? That it didn't matter that I was in counseling, or I had Fin and Cragen, and Nick, and Amanda there anytime I needed them. Or that Brian Cassidy was sharing my bed yet I still felt all alone? And I couldn't even call you, couldn't even hear your voice? I shattered Elliot, and you weren't there."
Elliot's mind was reeling. What was she talking about?
"Liv, I don't understand," he said.
"Because you never asked," she said. "And don't respond with a reactionary question just because I brought it up. I don't want to talk about it in detail tonight."
"You have to know that if I'd known something happened I would have come back," Elliot said. "Just like that night with Sonia."
"Well, that was the man I needed," Olivia said. "And he was gone."
"Will I ever be able to make it up to you?" Elliot asked. "I don't know how…"
Elliot didn't know what to say. Honestly, he never knew what to say. But he used to know what to do. When to guide her out of a room, when to make a play in the interrogation room. He stared at her. He knew what this holiday did to her, what he'd done to her. And what he saw hurt.
He saw reflections of a little girl that he'd once heard about. The one who wanted nothing more than to have a family; who needed the reassurance that someone she loved also loved her back.
That he could do.
We both know what's comin'
At the end of the night
Yeah, I swore I was leavin'
But with us it's never goodbye
She felt vulnerable and stupid standing there on the sidewalk screaming some of her innermost secrets at Elliot. Why did everything with them have to end in a fight? Why, even now that the obstacles were cleared, did everything still have to be so damn complicated.
He'd stopped speaking mid sentence and she wondered if he was finally just giving up. If this was finally when he realized it wasn't worth the effort and he'd just turn around and walk away. It took a moment for her to register he was coming toward her, not really understanding until he had her pinned up against the passenger side door of her car, wrapped in a tight hug.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"This is a hug, Liv," Elliot said. "Because there's nothing I can say to you to make you believe I'm going to be here in the new year or beyond. I can kiss you. I can show up randomly at your house, not hopped up on drugs. I can buy you little gifts. None of it would matter but this, this will do it."
Olivia was still confused, but she had to admit she did feel better in his arms. It was all she wanted after Lewis or the time Sheila kidnapped Noah. Nobody's arms, not Ed nor Brian nor Nick nor Barba's, felt quite like Elliot's.
"What makes you think a hug is going to fix things?" she asked, still reveling in his warmth.
"Because even if you don't know what I'm thinking, even if I don't know what to say, you can feel exactly what I need you to know when we hug," Elliot said. "And I can too."
Olivia tilted her head to breathe in the scent of his aftershave on his neck, and really thought about what he said. She could feel the way his heart was pounding next to hers, the way his arms held her firmly without trapping her. How his hands grazed her back in the most soothing way. And he was right. She could feel his sorrow, and his regret, and his promise that going forward he would try harder, be better for her.
There was also something else she could feel down along her thigh.
"I think I'm feeling more than you bargained for, detective," she said looking up at him with a smirk.
"Hey, I think I already said earlier that I'm not well-behaved," Elliot said. "You have to give a guy a little credit. Being so close to you all night has been hard."
"I can see that," she said.
"I'm trying to be serious with you, Liv," he said. "But not everything is within my control."
She giggled before leaning up to give him another slow kiss.
"Literally not helping," he said when they broke apart. "I'm Catholic and have a great deal of self control, but you're not playing fair."
"Maybe I don't want to play fair," she said.
"Captain Benson, are you suggesting that we…" he trailed off.
"Not tonight," she said. "There's still things we have to cover before we get there."
"Right," he said. "That doesn't fall under 'friends for now' does it?"
"I don't sleep with friends, El," she said. "But friends can have sleepovers, if they can control themselves."
"That so?" he asked.
"Prove to me you'll stick around," Olivia said. "Be there when I wake up in the morning."
Seven Hours Later
Olivia felt her eyes flutter open and she peaked at the clock. 8 a.m.
The next thing she registered was how quiet it was in her apartment and how cold her bed was. Elliot had, in fact, come home with her, and they had another glass of wine before she led him to the bedroom to present him with a twenty year old pair of his own sweats. He ditched the t-shirt she'd handed him, also his own, and encouraged her to sleep in it instead.
She knew it had been too good to be true, that he wouldn't still be there in the morning.
Then she heard a crash either in the living room or kitchen. She yanked on a pair of discarded PJ pants at the end of the bed and went rushing out of the room, but by the time she got into the hall she heard two sets of laughter. Olivia rounded the corner into the kitchen to find Elliot and Noah, both in their PJs (and Elliot in their damn shared grey hoodie that she didn't even want to know how he found in her disaster of a closet), with almost every spoon and bowl she owned spread out around the small space.
"Happy New Year, Mom!" Noah said, bounding over to wrap her lower half in a hug.
"Happy New Year, sweet boy," she said. "Did you have a good night with Lucy?"
"Yeah, but this morning with Elliot has been way better," he said, running back over and climbing up on the stool, sticking a whisk back in the bowl in front of him.
"Sorry we woke you, Liv," Elliot said. "Stabler family New Year's tradition, homemade pancakes. You wanna help. Or maybe you shouldn't since we actually want them to be edible."
"So you both think that's funny," she said, eyeing a bowl of batter, sticking both her index fingers in it, and swiping a dollop on both boys' noses.
"Mom," Noah shrieked.
"I think we have to get her back little man," Elliot said.
Noah went to reach for the bowl but Elliot picked Noah up under his arms instead, and backed Liv up against the refrigerator.
"No fair, two against one," she pouted.
Noah and Elliot looked at one another.
"Get her," Elliot said, holding Noah out.
They both peppered her forehead, cheeks, and chin with kisses, slopping batter across her face and their own while she laughed in delight. When the fun was finally over, Elliot put Noah down.
"Why don't you go wash your hands and clean up," Elliot said. "Mom can help me get these on the stove.
Noah ran off to do as he was told, while Olivia grabbed a dishrag and wiped Elliot's face before wiping her own.
"Thought you left when I woke up in there alone," she said.
"Nope," he said. "I heard Noah creeping around out here around 7. He just wanted to sneak some video games before you woke up, so I talked him into making breakfast instead."
"You know all the tricks," she said.
"Kids of cops can't get away with anything," he said. "Especially not when Mom's partner is hanging around too."
"Is Mom's partner going to be hanging around more often now?" she asked.
"If she'll have him," Elliot said.
"Oh, she will," Olivia said. "Someday in more ways than one."
"Benson, don't make me embarrass myself in front of your son," he whispered.
"I never realized how easy it was to get you all riled up," she said.
"Because I hid it damn well for 12 years," he said.
"You weren't the only one," she whispered.
"Oh yeah?" he said with a self-satisfied smirk.
Just then Elliot's phone rang. He grumbled as he pulled it from his pocket, a text from Bell about a new case and she needed him at the office right away. Elliot cursed under his breath.
"We can handle the pancakes," she told him and he dashed back in her room to put on yesterday's clothes.
"I'll see you later?" he asked, reemerging from the room to Olivia flipping pancakes and Noah digging into his first batch at the counter.
"Absolutely," Olivia said. "Goodbye El."
"No," he said, coming up behind her at the stove and putting a hand on her hip. "No more goodbyes. It's never going to be goodbye with us. Always see you later."
"That one of your rules for the 'friends for now' book?" she asked.
"No, just another promise," Elliot said. "Make this New Year's resolution with me. Always 'see you later' never 'goodbye."
Olivia looked into his eyes and could see how serious he was about it all, so she dropped her hand on top of his at her hip.
"See you later, El," she said.
She saw him glance over his shoulder quickly to make sure Noah was occupied with his food before he dropped a quick kiss to her lips.
"Happy New Year Bensons," he said, running out the door.
"Happy New Year, El," Olivia and Noah called after him.
A/N: Not my all-time favorite, but I think this song fits them well. Reviews are always loved and appreciated! And don't forget to go check out these songs if you're not a Lady A fan. Shameless plug, but I love their music.