A/N: I should be working on other stuff but I'm kinda irritated with the way things are going on the shows, and in life, and I just want Liv to be happy. So we got this. You might not like it, but it was cathartic to write haha. Song cred is "Heart Break" from the album with the same name.

I paint my lips red, I turn my own head

Don't need nobody's help, zippin' up my own dress

Pay my own tab with my own cash, unattached

Olivia looked in the mirror as she puckered her lips and applied a deep red coat to them, blotting them on a square of toilet paper so they looked cherry, inviting, and not like a crime scene. She used the hook of her comb to reach behind her and pull the wide-hook zipper of her black cocktail dress up her back and into place at the nape of her neck.

Olivia Benson was going out for the second time in two weeks. And while she felt the guilt of leaving Noah with Lucy again for her to go out for pleasure, not business, she knew she needed a night like this.

"Noah, did you finish your math homework?" she asked as she emerged from her bathroom, fluffing her hair and checking the contents of her purse, cash, credit cards, badge, and gun (just in case).

"Yes, Mom," Noah said from his perch in front of (but not too close to) the TV, where he'd already set up his Nintendo Switch to play a game. "Like an hour ago."

Lucy was behind him on the couch, a book in hand, and she looked up when Olivia entered the room.

"Wow, Liv, you look amazing," Lucy said, stuffing her post-it note bookmark in the paperback to keep her place. "Who's the lucky guy tonight?"

"Just me," Olivia said. "Unless you count my old colleague, I guess you could call her a friend, Casey. We're meeting up for drinks. I haven't seen her in years."

"I just assumed dressed up like that you had a date," Lucy said.

"You don't need a man as an excuse to get dressed up Lucy," Olivia said. "Remember that."

"Will do," Lucy said with a small smile.

Olivia made her way over to Noah to kiss him on the head, and he animatedly waved her off so he didn't get distracted in the middle of his game. She sighed, knowing this would only happen more as he got older. How she selfishly missed the days where he'd cry when she left him at daycare and beg her to sleep just one more night in her bed.

"I should be home before 11, but I have my cell," Olivia said. "Call if you need anything."

"We'll be fine, Liv," Lucy said. "Have a great time."

She slid her heels into a pair of pumps that would likely make her orthopedic surgeon have a small stroke but she didn't care. She grabbed her black leather jacket from the coat rack and she was out the door.

Sometimes the word alone sounds like a sad song

Why's it gotta be? 'Cause what I really need is a reset

And a deep breath, yeah

"C'mon," Casey said after they were a few glasses of wine in. "You can't tell me you look this gorgeous for your age and you're still alone."

She knew it was coming, eventually. Casey was never shy, nor subtle. They'd covered where Casey had been the last eight or nine odd years after leaving the D.A.'s office (becoming a mental health advocate in memory of her former fiance, Charlie), and Olivia's rise through the ranks and Noah's adoption. Then Casey had offered up the information that she'd been married and divorced since they'd last seen each other and she still spends a good chunk of time with her two step-daughters, one a senior in high school and the other in her second year of college.

"It's not like I've lived in a monastery since we saw each other last," Olivia said, taking another sip of her wine. "I've had a few serious relationships. Just none of them led to rings and vows. I had a date last week."

"Anyone, I know?" Casey asked, raising her eyebrow accusingly, like she seemed to already have an answer in mind.

"If you must know, I went to an adoption league gala with Trevor Langan," Olivia said.

Casey's jaw dropped.

"You mean defense attorney Trevor Langan?" Casey asked. "Since when did you two become so chummy."

"Well, there was that time he tried to help me beat a false murder rap," she said. "And he was Noah's advocate. Helped me adopt him. It's why he asked me to the gala. He's not a defense attorney anymore. Works strictly family court cases. He said helping me with Noah is actually what got him onto that path so he asked me to come to the gala and I accepted."

"I never pictured you and Trevor Langan together," Casey said. "But I can see why you'd go for him. He's got that attractive tall thing going for him, and he's not the worst defense attorney I ever went up against. He seemed to have half a heart, at least. Plus, he's got those blue eyes you were always a sucker for."

And here it comes.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Olivia asked, draining the rest of her glass of red.

"You think I don't watch the news?" Casey asked. "I know who's back in town and whose wife was murdered a little over a year ago."

"So you also must know he's got a lot going on," Olivia answered.

"You're going to pretend like you haven't seen him?" Casey asked. "Like all those feelings you used to try to tamp down aren't still there."

Why when Elliot Stabler wasn't even in the room was he somehow infiltrating her life and making it hell.

"I have seen him," Olivia said. "Though not since Christmas. We'd agreed to try to rebuild our friendship and he invited me and Noah over to a Christmas party he was having for his family. We went, it was fine, but we haven't talked since."

"That was three months ago?" Casey asked.

"Yeah, and he keeps ghosting me," Olivia said. "It's not the same as it was back in the day, Casey. Everybody tried to tell me and they ended up being right. I don't know him anymore. He doesn't know me anymore. We're different people. So I took the initiative this time and backed off."

"I think you're forgetting I lived the era where you practically killed me for making him testify when he got blinded," Casey said. "Or the number of times he told me to back off from you on a case because it was hitting too close to home. You can't just make that shit up. And it doesn't just go away."

"Well, for us it did," Olivia said. "This past year has been a rollercoaster in general and especially with him. I tried to be there for him, Casey. His kids, his mother reached out to me and asked for help and I did everything I could. He'd pull me in for a few seconds just to push me away again. He went undercover for like six months right after his wife died. As part of the mob. He screwed a sex trafficker. I just… I can't do it anymore."

For once in her life Casey was quiet.

"I just need to reset my life and get it back into focus," Olivia said. "Back before Elliot came blowing back into town."

"I get it," Casey said. "Sometimes when you love somebody too much, you'll do anything to help them. Even if you get hurt in the process. Then one day you just realize you can't do it anymore."

Casey knew. She knew all about it with Charlie. Elliot wasn't mentally ill per se, but he wasn't doing anything to help himself, and Olivia couldn't keep giving when all he was ever going to do was take from her.

I think it's time to take a heart break, out late

Solo on a Saturday night

Goin' out without a plus one, I'm done

Fallin' over pickup lines

The night with Casey had been fun but it hadn't been without incident. Two pretty girls in a bar always get subject to some kind of ridiculousness. Even at their age.

"Hey baby," some guy at the end of the bar said, calling out to Olivia and then swaying his way over to her. In a different setting, he could have been attractive, but not here and now. "If being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged."

Olivia watched as Casey almost snorted wine out of her nose. Ten, fifteen years ago, Olivia may have indulged this guy. Played with him at the very least just to get a reaction. But she was not in the mood tonight. This was her girls' night, her break from the men in her life who just kept leaving and being ridiculous and not being who she wanted them to be.

She fished through her purse and pulled out one of the items she'd brought with her, "just in case."

"You try something stupid like that on me again and know what we'll be charging you with?" Olivia asked, flashing her badge. "Bad pickup lines and being a dumbass."

"Geeze Bitch," the guy slurred. "Lighten up."

But thankfully, he moved on to his next target.

"Harsh much?" Casey asked, still giggling.

"I've had it with these idiots," Olivia said. "Can't a girl just get a drink with an old friend and not have to worry about stupid men?"

"I think you've had enough," Casey said, signaling for the bartender to close out their tabs. "Time to get you home."

I'm single for the summer, I won't rebound

One lover to another, or be tied down

'Til I'm sleepin' like a queen

In a California king I made

I think it's time to take a heart break

Noah was asleep by the time Olivia walked in the front door. She made a few minutes of small talk with Lucy before she headed home, and Olivia made her way back to the bathroom, where the evening began, Casey's last words still echoing in her head.

"We're not getting any younger, Liv," Casey said. "And I know maybe a middle-aged divorcee has no room to talk, but don't put off Stabler or Langan or anybody for too long. We're not getting any younger. I want you to be happy."

"Who says I have to be with a man to be happy?" Olivia asked. "I have Noah and my squad, and friends like you popping up all over the place. I'm good."

"Just… don't count it all out just because it's not going exactly the way you want it to," Casey said as Olivia waved and slammed the cab door closed.

She thought about it as she changed into PJs, and scrubbed her face clean of the makeup she wore. Olivia had been giving a lot of herself to everyone for so many years. It was finally time for her to put herself first (right after Noah, of course). She was the queen of this castle, where everything was how she liked it. She didn't need a man to come in and wreck it all. These were the things she reminded herself of as she drifted off to sleep.

Her heart needed a break, and that was okay.

It's just a little phase, give me a little space

You might see through it, but I'm puttin' on a poker face

Givin' love a rest, between my ex, and my next

It had been a few days since her drinks with Casey and it was like her questions had willed this meeting into existence. OCCB was finally able to close the Wheatley case for good after dredging up his body down the river a few days ago and Ayanna had requested her original files from the night of the car bomb to make sure everything was in order. She'd called Liv at her office to ask for them.

"You can just pass them off to Stabler next time you see him," Ayanna said. "We want to close it up but it's not something I need today."

"Well, I don't know when I'll see him next so I'll come to drop them off this afternoon, tomorrow at the latest," Olivia said.

"Seriously?" Ayanna asked. "I mean it can wait until you guys hang out or whatever next time."

Olivia sighed. She didn't want to have to get into this with his sergeant.

"Haven't talked to him in three months," Olivia said. "Don't know when the next time will be."

"Not even during the blackout?" Ayanna asked.

"Not even then," Olivia said. "Heard about it on the news though. I'm glad you're all safe."

"Well, I guess I'll see you later," Ayanna said. "Do you wanna see him? I mean I can text you when he's here or when he's not so you can come over."

"I don't care one way or the other if I see him," she said. "I'll be over in a little while."

Truthfully, Olivia was hoping he'd be out when she got to OCCB, but of course, there he was in one of his stupid tailored Italian suits, typing ridiculously slow and looking like he was about to throw his entire computer out the window. She remembered that face. He was probably doing paperwork.

And, as if she had some kind of beacon that only he could hear, he looked up and spotted her across the room, before she'd even made it fully into the bullpen. And the bastard had the nerve to smile at her and stand up and try to walk her way.

"Liv, hey," he said, still grinning, like he hadn't ignored her for another three months.

She wasn't in the mood.

"I just have some files for Ayanna," she said, brushing past him and taking the steps up to the sergeant's office. She was vaguely aware of Jet watching them out of the corner of her eye. That girl was perceptive, and Olivia liked her a lot. She'd often wondered if she could steal her more often for SVU. She knew how to get things done.

"Captain Benson, nice to see you," Ayanna said. "Thank you for the files."

Olivia lifted the stack from her bag and set them on Ayanna's desk.

"I'm glad you can finally close out this case," she said. "I know you'd been working it long before any of us ever came into the picture."

"Wasn't the way we wanted it to go down, but in the end it's a relief," Ayanna said.

"Well, if you need anything else from me, or my squad, you have my number," Olivia said, turning to leave the office.

"Hey, Liv," Ayanna said, causing her to turn around. She motioned for Olivia to get closer to the desk so prying ears on bald-headed men couldn't hear. "He's been taking a lot of 'Ls' lately, and I've had to be the one to dish out quite a few of them. I can't be his friend when I have to be his CO. Do you think you could throw him a bone if he tries to talk to you again on the way out."

"Ayanna, I say this respectfully," Olivia said. "Please stay out of Stabler's and my…"

Olivia gestured between the two of them, trying to figure out what word she wanted to use.

"Friendship?" Ayanna supplied.

"Sure, that works," Olivia said.

"Can I be straight with you for a second without coming across as disrespectful?" Ayanna asked.

Olivia nodded.

"Back before I really knew you, or saw you two together, I told him he needed to move on. From you. He was pretty hung up on being back in your life and I thought backing off would make it better or go away," Ayanna said. "Spoiler: it didn't. It made things worse. You gotta do what you gotta do for yourself, but I don't think you guys can be in the same city, hell the same country, and just act like the other doesn't exist. It doesn't work that way."

"I need time," Olivia said. "I mean he just keeps floating in and out of my life. You have a son now. You know when raising kids you and they have to have some stability."

"I think you're the only stability he has left," Ayanna said. "Even if he sucks at showing it. Like I said, you gotta do you, but just consider it, please?"

Olivia sighed.

"Okay," she said. "I'll consider it, but no promises."

"Thank you," Ayanna said. "And I'm not above giving him an ass kicking for you. You just say the word. He may be my number two but girls gotta stick together."

Olivia smiled as she left the office. She had promised Ayanna to play nice, but she thought if she could escape before he saw her, she wouldn't have to. Not today anyway.

But again, she heard a second set of footsteps on the stairs behind her, back in that same hallway where she'd told him he "looked better" months ago. What she didn't know back then was sucking face with Angela Wheatley was what made him look better.

"Liv, wait," Elliot said.

Against her better judgement, she stopped.

"What?" she asked, turning around to see him. He was still smiling a goofy grin.

"I just wanted to ask how you know Frank Donnelly," he said. "I uh, ran into him a few nights ago. Said he was talking to you and my name came up, you told him to look me up."

It was true. She had. She seemed to know everybody by now after becoming a Captain. She'd heard Donnelly talking about his dad and his old partner detective Stabler used to give his aunt Liz, the goody goody prosecutor of the family, a hard time. Especially after that case she had where her suspect crawled out the window, never to be seen again.

"I heard him mention that his father knew yours," Olivia said. "Thought you could maybe use a friend from the old days."

"Oh," Elliot said.

"It's time to start rebuilding your life, Elliot," Olivia said.

"They're finally going to put me through the IAB ringer," he said, his voice low. "Bell said there's an investigation into my misconduct, after the whole Wheatley perp walk."

"Well, you'll have a buddy to lean on," Olivia said.

"I don't want a buddy," he said, almost in a whisper. "I want my partner."

"That's the thing, Elliot," she said. "Partners can't just float in and out of each other's lives when they feel like it. They either stick around or they don't."

"Liv," he said, pleading in his eyes.

"I can't," she said. "You're undercover again and I'm just not doing this."

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"You're undercover as Elliot Stabler," she said. "You're putting on this front like you're fine, but deep inside you're not. And you're not doing anything to fix it. And I tried to help you, and I tried to make things right between us. You're the one who said you wanted to find balance and then there was another three months of radio silence. I need a break Elliot. My heart needs a break. From you."

He looked like he wanted to speak, but he didn't. So Olivia turned around and walked away, without grabbing for his hand this time.

Love, I'm over you (love, I'm over you)

It's long overdue

And so, the weeks stretched on and Olivia didn't hear from Elliot again. She put things that reminded him of her back in the box in her closet, and she ignored the precinct gossip that still somehow seemed to focus on him. This time, about his IAB circus.

She spent her time with Noah, and solving cases. She rebuffed Trevor for a second date, telling him she needed time for herself.

She hadn't really gotten a break from it all in years. She jumped right from Ed and Simon's deaths into the global pandemic. Then Elliot came back the only way he knew how: in a hail of explosions and chaos. That had been a rollercoaster. Then Kat and Garland leaving, McGrath coming in. Then learning the truth about Burton Lowe and hopping from him to what she thought might be something with Elliot that turned out to be nothing, then Trevor. She just needed time for herself. Her son.

And it felt good.

Summer had come, the world was reopening, and Olivia felt like some of her energy had been restored. She knew who she was again, why she was here, why she did what she did every day.

She felt refreshed, replenished. And dare she say it, happy.

She knew the break may not last forever. Someday she may finally take Trevor up on that offer for a second date (he was still trying). She may finally let Phoebe set her up with the millions of single men she seemed to know (Fin liked to apologize profusely for the number of pictures and phone numbers Phoebe sends her). Maybe someday she could get back into a place where she and Elliot could be good again. She'd seen him a few times since that day at the precinct, but it still wasn't like the old days. Maybe it never would be.

But Olivia was happy, and in the end, that's all that really mattered anyway.

I think it's time to take a heart break

A/N: Not my usual, but I'd still like to know what you think!