I thought it was Tuesday ALL day today. Imagine my surprise when I realize at 1630 (eastern US time) that it's Wednesday. Thank goodness for calendars that alert you to meetings and send your Zoom links. Technology is scary sometimes. Anywho…sorry for the delay.
There are no specific TWs for this chapter.
"Guess what?" Jack called from his attic. He'd gone up to jiggle some coaxial cables when the monster movie they were watching had frizzed out. Cable fixes were typically Sam's domain, but climbing a ladder was definitely a prohibited activity for the next few weeks.
"You found an Ancient device stashed in all your junk?" Sam yelled back, giggling at her own joke. Jack, unbeknownst to many, was a pack rat of sorts. It was a side of his personality she'd discovered several years ago when their relationship was something more than just friends and colleagues.
"No, Miss Smarty Pants," he lowered himself down before revealing his prize. "I found your old fuzzy slippers." He held up a pair of brown stuffed bunnies with holes for Sam's feet. They were a Christmas gift from Cassie years ago.
"I can't believe you kept these," Sam accepted the furry find, slipping them onto her feet. "They still fit."
"Cass will get a kick out of 'em," he chuckled. "Antenna is shot, by the way," he shook some insulation from his hair. "The end of Son of Godzilla will forever remain a mystery."
"I'm crushed," Sam giggled.
"You want to pick out a movie or hit the sack?" Jack asked as he picked up their plates, snacks, and drinks from the impromptu movie night.
"I'm pretty beat," Sam admitted. "Today was quite a day." She stifled a yawn behind her hand.
"It was," Jack agreed. He loaded the dishwasher and hit start. Switching off the lights, he returned to the couch and pulled Sam onto her good leg. "Any regrets?" He asked cautiously.
"Not a one," Sam looked at him. "Except this," she brushed her fingers over his bruised cheek, trailing them down to his split lip. Her touch was featherlight.
"Totally worth it," he stated honestly, leaning into her touch. "Bathroom first?" He asked, slipping himself under her good arm.
"Jack, what are we doing?" Sam asked before she could stop herself, then grimaced. Way to ruin a nice evening , she chided herself. Couldn't just enjoy the peaceful moment.
"Going to bed?" He answered jovially, but sighed at the look on her face. "Whatever happens or doesn't, it's always been your choice."
"You said that before," she pulled herself into his side and hobbled toward the bathroom. "But that's not exactly true."
"Of course it is," Jack countered. "It always has been."
"After the Entity, you were the one who pulled back," she said softly, remembering the night he'd broken her heart. Their brief romance had been short, but it had been real. At least for her.
"Sam, I shot you with a Zat. Twice," he clenched his eyes shut at the memory. "I killed you."
"You know you made the right choice," she pulled him to a stop so she could face him. "You knew I didn't blame you."
"But you should have," he sighed. "What kind of man is capable of killing the woman he loves?" He shook his head. "You deserved so much better than me."
"You never told me that before," Sam whispered softly.
"You do. You've always deserved so much more than I can offer," he said again.
"Not that," Sam shook her head as a single tear slipped down her cheek. Jack caught it with a thumb and brushed it away. She sucked in a deep, cleansing breath. "You never said you loved me back then. I didn't know that was how you felt."
"I thought it was obvious," Jack huffed. "I mean, after the za'tarcs, didn't everybody know?"
"I didn't, " she answered softly. "You didn't exactly come right out and declare your feelings."
"How can you—" he snapped his mouth shut. "Never mind."
"No, tell me," she shifted more of her weight onto him. "What were you going to say?"
Jack felt Sam's good leg quiver and pulled her tighter against his chest. He slipped his arm from around her back to her waist in order to support more of her weight.
"How could you not know how I felt?" He responded truthfully. "Even when we were mind-stamped on that ice planet we still found each other," he shook his head. "I thought it was obvious."
"It wasn't to me," she whispered. "If I had known…" Her leg trembled once more before giving way; the weight of the past and of today too much. Jack reacted immediately, lifting her into his arms to carry her the rest of the way. "I got it wrong," she murmured against his neck as he held her.
"Got what wrong?" He asked gruffly, not wanting to re-open old wounds or create new ones.
"When I was stranded on the Prometheus last year, I hallucinated a lot," she confided. It was something she'd omitted from her mission report for fear of the fallout.
"I figured something more than simple alien interference and engine failure happened out there," he admitted, stepping into his bedroom and gently placing her on the edge of the bed.
"I hallucinated everyone I cared about," she shrugged. "They all told me something about myself. Some of it I knew. Some of it I didn't. All of it was pretty profound."
"I get the feeling I'm not going to like this," he guessed warily.
"I won't go into the details, but I basically convinced myself whatever was between us was one-sided," she glanced up at him before continuing. "I didn't want to believe it, but then I woke up in the infirmary and you were there. I wasn't sure which of you it was. You or my hallucination of you."
"It was me," he guessed and she nodded.
"I called you 'Jack'," she said in such a low voice that he could barely hear her. "You didn't like it."
"What?" He snapped to alert at her words.
"You said 'excuse me' in your command tone," she explained. "It was apparent I had crossed the line. What we had was gone and my hallucination had gotten it right."
"For the love of—Sam, are you telling me you based your entire perception of our relationship on what a hallucination of me said and then," he pinched the bridge of his nose. "And then you decided the hallucination was correct based upon what I said to you—out of context I might add—one time out of a thousand?"
When he said it like that, it didn't make as much sense, but she nodded anyway.
"For the record," he said as he started pacing his bedroom floor. "We weren't just in the infirmary. It was an observation room. Let me say again. Observation. Room. Hammond was right above us watching. When you called me Jack—"
"Oh god," she breathed out as it became clear. If Hammond had been watching. If they were being recorded, then he had responded in the only way that would have protected her.
"How many times have I pleaded with you to call me Jack?" He arched an eyebrow at her. "And how many times have you insisted on calling me Sir or Colonel?" He let out a frustrated laugh. "Christ, Sam, why didn't you just come and talk to me later?"
"I was hurt," she admitted. "And because I was afraid to admit how much I still cared about you," she sounded miserable.
"So you went out and found a life outside of the SGC. Away from me," he realized sadly until another realization hit him. "You found Pete."
"I'm batting a thousand in bad decisions," she grumbled, burying her head in her hands.
"Sam, I'm so sorry," Jack knelt in front of her.
"Don't," she ordered, raising her head. She knew him well enough to know he'd take the blame onto himself. "Don't make Pete your fault. You didn't make me date him. You didn't make him an abuser."
"I know," Jack trailed off, knowing Sam was right. He couldn't hold himself responsible for Pete's actions, but he also couldn't quite absolve himself of all guilt.
"I think I should probably sleep in the guest bedroom tonight," she said quietly. "Despite the last few days, our situation hasn't changed. What made us pull away from each other is still there and once I'm back on active duty, I don't want whatever this is coming between us. It was hard enough getting over you the first time," she smiled sadly.
Jack knew she was right. She usually was, but that didn't make it any easier. He'd been able to fool himself over the last few days into thinking the dynamic between them had changed. But the truth was, he still felt like she deserved better than he could offer. He was still her CO and they were still at war with the Goa'uld. She still wanted what he couldn't freely give her and six-weeks of downtime wasn't going to change that.
"You take my room," he gathered up his things as he spoke. "The bed is more comfortable for your leg. I'll sleep in the guest room."
Sam merely nodded. A part of her wished Jack had pushed back on the idea, even just a tiny bit. She longed for him to tell her she mattered more to him than all the other beings in the universe combined. But that simply wasn't realistic. Jack always put honor and duty before self. It was one of the reasons she loved him so much even if he didn't feel the same way about her anymore.
"Just call if you need me," he told her. Their eyes met and locked for a span of several heartbeats before he pulled the door closed and went across the hall.