Memories

Chapter Eleven

That night I flew to the roof of the school to get my clothes and book bag, noticing that Marco's were already gone. But Marco could have easily come earlier to get them; he wasn't grounded.

Jake met me at the street corner. I didn't even pause at the sight of him. Life had gotten far too strange to worry about neighbors who pop up out of nowhere.

I didn't ask for an explanation, but he gave me one anyway. "Marco told me you two skipped today, and I saw you fly out your window."

I grimaced. "I was being careful," I whined. Crap. Jake had seen me, which meant anyone could have seen me, which meant I was about to get lectured again.

But Jake just shrugged. "I was waiting for you. Don't worry. No one in this neighborhood stays up past one anyway."

"So what are you doing here?" I asked, shrugging my bag to a more comfortable spot on my shoulder.

"We had a meeting this afternoon."

I rolled my eyes and continued walking toward home. "Without me. Again."

Jake caught up to me with just a few of his longer strides and gave me a long-suffering look. "Don't start, Julie. We have to work around your grounding."

"Hey, that wasn't my fault!"

"Don't shout. And I know it wasn't your fault. You think you're the first of us to get grounded for showing up late to dinner?"

I scowled a bit and tried to pick up my pace, but he kept up with me easily. The guy was a good four or five inched taller than me; I'd have to run to out-pace him. And even then he wouldn't have to work too hard to catch me. I sighed again when it was clear after a few houses that he was just humoring my temper-tantrum. "So what did you guys come up with at this meeting?"

"No much. We've all agreed that we need to stop them and that nothing we do to the building will work. I guess they really want to push this project through. They probably think the risk of another attack is worth the benefits they'd get from it."

"I thought we were going for attention here? Expose them and let paranoia run its course?"

"Yeah, that was the plan, but they managed to twist the attention in their favor."

"No kidding. They just got a ton of publicity." We walked a bit in silence, thinking about that. "So now what?"

Jake sighed and shrugged. "No one knows. But think on it. If you come up with something let me know."

"So that's the plan? Sleep on it and hope things look better in the morning? What about another attack? Too much publicity might raise a few questions."

He shook his head. "If you think you can get within a hundred feet of that building again, be my guest. We lucked out with the second attack; we're not going to get a third."

We turned the corner on our street and I rolled a few thoughts around in my head. "You've been fighting too long," I told him. "You're thinking too much like a soldier. Maybe the plan was a good one and we just gave them the wrong kind of attention."

We reached my house and paused in front of it. "Do you have an idea?"

I shrugged. "Maybe. More like I think I might have an idea, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

He sighed again, looking a little deflated and more than a little tired. Not surprising since it was about one-thirty in the morning. "Well if you pin it down let me know."

We parted ways and I quietly snuck back into my house through the front door which I'd left unlocked. Half-way up the stairs I noticed a dim glow at the corner of my vision when it blinked off. It was the light from under my parents' door. I froze and held my breath, listening for someone. But the house was silent. Probably just my mom going to bed after a long, hard night of reading cheep romance novels. She went through them almost as voraciously as I used to go through Goosebumps books. Thank God I'd grown out of that phase.

I waited a few more moments to make sure she wasn't about to come bursting out the door to catch me, then tippy-toed into my room and went straight to bed, still thinking about my almost-idea.

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I was up before Andi the next morning. A historical first in my family, but not all that surprising since I'd slept poorly, waking every half-hour or so from another nightmare. At a few minutes before six I decided sleep was pointless anyway and sat up on my bed, trying to clear out the cobwebs before Andi came in.

"Hey, you're already up," she said when she looked around my door.

I looked at her, but didn't straighten from my slouched-over position. "I can lay back down and let you drag me out of bed if it'll make you feel better."

She stuck her tongue out at me and left.

The pillow was nice and inviting, but I told myself I'd just have another nightmare and got up instead. I was half-way through brushing my teeth when my mind finally kicked into gear and all the pieces fell into place. I stood and stared at my reflection for a good five minutes, still holding my toothbrush, with toothpaste drool on my face. Not that I was giving much thought to toothpaste drool. I'd done it. I'd pinned down my idea of an idea. It was now a full-fledged idea. I knew how to stop the Yeerks.

I was halfway out the door before I realized I was still holding my toothbrush. I checked myself and went back into the bathroom. There was nothing I could do until school started anyway. Once there I could…

I could what? Tell Jake? I knew what he would do; he'd tell the rest of the group. Put it to a vote. Get input. Normally I'd be all for this, but what I had in mind called for a bit more…finesse. A smaller crew. And someone who didn't think like a soldier or a leader. What I needed was a damn good liar.

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I cornered Marco in the hall at school and told him to meet me at lunch. He gave me an odd look, but didn't say anything. Just nodded and moved on to class.

At lunch we sat together in the corner. I was lucky in that none of the other Animorphs had the same lunch period as us. When Marco got there I didn't waste time with small-talk; I just jumped right in and told him my idea. He listened quietly, without changing expression or touching his food.

"Why didn't you take this to Jake?" he asked when I was done.

I shrugged and twirled my spork in my fingers. "Because he's Jake. He'd do the whole 'great leader' thing and call a meeting and there'd be a vote and everything."

"What's so bad about that?"

I looked at Marco and saw a little grin tug at the corner of his serious expression. "You're testing me?"

"Why don't you want a vote?"

"Because! Because everyone will want in on it. And because Rachel will try to make it more complicated and because Cassie will whine about if it's right or not and because it might not work and they don't need more disappointment and because all we really need is you and me and maybe Erek. Do I need any more 'because's?"

He stabbed a vegetable on his tray but didn't eat it. "No, I guess not." He put down the spork and looked up at me and grinned. "This is a pretty underhanded idea here. Never would have expected it from you."

"Yeah, well, I'm a tricksy little devil."

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It took a little longer than I'd planned to put my idea into action. We had to work around my grounding, which meant Marco and Erek couldn't come over nor I could I go to them. We worked in the library during lunch and school breaks, and Marco took our work to Erek for the finishing touches. Erek was an immeasurable help; without his ability (or affinity) with computers, our ruse would never have looked believable.

Not once during that week did I suggest we bring the others in to help, though I did think of it. We were handling the project ourselves, and every time we did something right, I was reminded of the times over the past few weeks that they'd left me out. I did wonder that Marco never brought up the subject either, but I didn't confront him in it.

Dorky as it sounded, I'd been calling the plan Project Deep Throat in my head. Marco was playing the part of a guilt-ridden insider at the theater going to the media. He'd made a few hesitant calls to a local news station, vaguely promising a story before suddenly hanging up. We'd spent the week compiling fake evidence of a financial fraud and giving to Erek so he could add all the right names and letterheads and other details. Saturday would be the final phone call and an anonymous drop at the station. Most everything was ready; we just had to do it.

Jake came to talk to me on Saturday afternoon. It was the last day of my grounding and Mom was getting a bit lax about enforcing it so she let him up to my room. I stood at the top of the stairs and glared at him as he climbed. Jake didn't come for social visits anymore and he never brought good news.

"So what's up?" I asked once we were both shut in my room.

"Are you and Marco going ahead with tonight?"

I sat in my desk chair and watched him take his usual spot on the edge of the bed. I didn't glare at him, just watched with a shell-shocked look. "Did Marco tell you?"

He nodded. "Did you think he wouldn't?"

I had to admit to myself that I did, but I didn't have to admit it to him. Instead I shrugged. "He didn't tell me did."

I could see he wanted to press the subject, but instead he changed it after a few moments. "Do you think this will work?"

I shrugged and slouched in my chair. "Yeah, I think it will. Scandal is the Salem Witch Trials of this century; as soon as someone's accused they're guilty. If we give them a fake memo or two, the news people will hound them. The more the Ye- these people deny it the more guilty they look."

Jake nodded but didn't look approving or relieved like I'd thought he would. "And in this grand scheme of yours did you ever stop to think that maybe the reporter you went to might be a Controller?"

"They…they're in the news, too?" Shit, I hadn't thought of that.

"They're everywhere. I thought we told you that."

"Yeah, but…" Oh no. Did I miss a vital step? Did I doom the plan? If it was too late and Marco had been talking to a Controller, was our cover as humans blown?

"Did you know Rachel's dad is a reporter?"

I froze, trying to get a hold of my frantic thoughts. I hadn't found the reporter we were using; Marco had. "What's his name?"

"Dan." Not our guy. "He's got a coworker who just moved here a few days ago. Name's Adam. Ring any bells?"

What was he trying to tell me? Adam Lynn was the man Marco had picked out. Adam was connected to Rachel's dad. New to town…

"When did Marco tell you? Did everyone know?"

Jake shook his head. "Just me. Marco told me right away. And he told me why you two decided to keep it secret, but did it ever occur to you that maybe we could help? Or just that we'd want to know?"

"Yeah, Jake, that did occur to me. I do know what it's like to be left out of a plan."

"And you're blaming me for that?"

"Yes, Jake, I am. You drag me into this fucking war you're in and then you drag me along on your fucking missions and ruin my life and my family and everything and just leave me in my house alone and if all that isn't bad enough I can't even be part of this stupid fucking group! What, did you just not know what you were doing? You cut me off from my whole world and then you cut me off from yours!" I slammed my hand on the table and stood up, pacing toward the door and then turning back to him suddenly. "What…what were you thinking? How could you do this to me!"

"Julie, stop it." Jake stood up and grabbed one of my hands, maybe thinking it would calm me down.

Instead I snatched my hand back and shoved him away from me. "No, Jake. Do you have any idea what I've been going through?"

He scowled and started to answer, but I cut him off.

"And don't tell me you do, because you don't! You have no idea! And I don't care what you went through when this mess started, cause you had Marco. Do you know who I had? No one! I've been alone since you and you're friends…since you…" I stopped and went back to my chair to collapse. I put my head in hands and felt the tears I didn't realize I'd been crying. "How could you do this to me?" I sobbed. Jake moved, as if he was about to comfort me, but stopped.

"You chose to join us."

"I chose nothing," I whispered fiercely. "It was fight, or live with the knowledge that I'd done nothing. Either way, my life is over now."

"You're not alone, Julie. We're all here with you; we're all fighting just like you. How can you say you're all alone in this when I'm right next door? Maybe if you'd just open up and trust us this wouldn't seem so impossible."

I laughed outright at that. "Oh God, Jake. You should leave the motivational speeches to Cassie. 'Won't seem so impossible?' It's seven kids against an army of aliens! You can't get more impossible than that. And trust you? Jake, you won't trust me. None of you do." I was hysterical, laughing and crying while trying to keep the noise muffled. I buried my face while Jake stood by, unsure of what to do.

"Get out."

"What?"

I picked my head up between sobs and screeched at him. "GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY ROOM! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! JUST GET OUT!"

I shoved him out of my way, toward the door, through the door. As soon as he was out I slammed the door in his face and threw myself on the bed, giving in to my hysterics. I screamed and cried and punched the mattress and bit my pillow and thrashed until I was utterly spent. Even after I was exhausted from the fit I stayed face-down on the bed, unwilling to move.

But I had to get up. I had to go to Marco's house and finish the plan. I rolled over slowly and eyed the clock. I was half an hour late. Instead of getting up I hid my face again. Bad enough I'd just had a screaming fight with Jake, the last thing I wanted to do was face Marco and tell him why I was late. He didn't even need me. There was no reason he couldn't make the drop himself. In fact, he'd probably already done it. There was no reason at all for me to move from my self-pity.

Maybe. I'd already messed up once with the reporter thing. What if there was something else? What if Marco was waiting for me? I couldn't give Jake the satisfaction; he'd just use it to shame me into being in the group.

Wiping the tears, I got up and got ready. I wouldn't have to morph for the drop off, so I dressed comfortably in dark jeans and a black hoodie. Then I gathered some miscellaneous papers I'd been working on and put them in my bag, wiped my face one more time, and went out to face the house.

"Where do you think you're going?" Mom stopped me at the top of the stairs with as stern a voice as I've ever heard from her.

"I'm going out," I told her without turning around.

"No, you're not. You're grounded until tomorrow, remember?"

I rolled my eyes and stopped halfway down the stairs to turn to her. "Yeah, so what? This grounding is bull shit anyway."

"Don't take that tone with me, Julie."

"I'll talk to you however I want to." It was completely irrational, and I knew it. I should have been trying to sweet talk her. I should have tried to sneak out somehow. I should have had a ready lie to tell her. Instead I goaded her. Challenged her. "I'm leaving."

She darted down the stairs after me and grabbed my arm. "Where are you trying to go?"

"I just want to go out, Mom. With my friends and away from this house."

"What happened between you and Jake?"

The question was so out of the blue I had to stop and think for a few moments. "Jake?"

"Yes, Jake. I know something happened; I've been watching you two fight all week. What is it? What did he do to you?"

I looked at her like she'd gone crazy. She had gone crazy. "What he… Mom, he didn't do anything to me."

"Stop lying to me. Do you think I'm stupid? I know, Julie. I know what's going on."

We froze, just standing on the stares. I was staring at her in horror, wondering. Did she find out about the Yeerks? Or was she raving about something different? I waited for her to continue; she waited for me to deny…whatever it was.

"I know what you two have been up to. I'm not blind. Just…just…" She stared tearing up. Oh, God, she knew. My mother had found out about the aliens and everything was ruined. "He didn't hurt you, did he? He didn't force you?"

I blinked several times, trying to make sense of it. Okay, so I had just blamed him for the whole mess. And he did get me shot, but…

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, honey, I should have talked to you about this sooner; I knew how teenagers are. Especially these days. But listen, no matter what he said-"

"Whoa, hold on! What the hell are you talking about?"

Jake? Force me? Teenagers? Invading aliens aren't exactly a normal part of being a teenager, so what was she talking about?

No. I thought I knew. The way my actions must have seemed to Mom. My uneasiness around someone who was once a friend. My nightmares. My illness. The fights. My withdrawal. She couldn't think that. Could she?

"Do you think…You think that I…"

"I just want to make sure you're safe, honey. And listen, whatever he said you don't have to sleep with him."

I jerked my arm away from her, possibly even more horrified than before. I couldn't even talk, just stared at her with my mouth open. Jake? And… I couldn't even think it, the idea was so absurd.

"I just…I just don't want to happen to you what happened to me."

I glared at her, disgusted. "Don't worry, Mom, I'm not dumb enough to make your same mistake."

Right away I could see I'd stepped over the line. I was Mom's mistake, and she loved me.

But rather than apologize, rather than comfort her or try to make amends or anything I should have done, I took advantage of her shock and walked away. I told myself that I didn't care, that she was crazy, that I had more important things to deal with. More important than my mother. More important than the woman who loved me.

"Julie, get back here."

I was almost to the door when she recovered.

"You cannot talk to me like that, and don't you dare think you're going to leave this house tonight. I am still your mother and you are still grounded. Now, you are going to tell me what's wrong between you and Jake so we can fix it."

I laughed in her face, even as I knew it was the wrong thing to do. Wrong for me. Wrong for the secret. But mostly wrong for her. "Fix it?" I screamed. "You think things are that simple? Just be all happy sunshine and talk about your feeling and fix everything? You can't fix anything, Mom. You don't even know what's wrong. You never do! You've never known anything about me or my life and you never will!"

"Because you won't tell me!" Now she was shouting, too. Screeching. "You never let me in!"

"You can't! You wouldn't understand!" I knew what she was talking about now. Not just the Animorphs, but my whole life. She didn't help me with the bully when I was small. She never went to parent-teacher conferences when I was lagging in school. She'd never done anything to help me; just looked worried and desperate until I took care of the problem myself. Then she went back to smiling like she didn't have a care in the world.

"What? What wouldn't I understand?"

"Nothing, Mom. There's nothing to understand. Nothing is wrong. Just leave me alone!"

"Stop it!" She was really screeching now, in a voice I was sure the neighbors could hear. "Stop lying to me. Stop shutting me out."

"Why? You wouldn't do anything anyway. That's all you ever do is worry and fret and that never helps anyone."

"I'm your mother! I love you! I'm supposed to worry about you! I'm supposed to protect you!"

"Well you failed!"

She froze again. I noticed for the first time that there were tears on her face. There were tears on mine.

"You failed! You can't protect me, you can't help me, you can't do anything and you can't even act like a real mother! You're just some teenage hussy who can't deal with being grown up and makes her kids suffer for it! So stop acting like you can tell me what to do my life!"

This time she didn't try to stop me. Her keys were on the end table; I grabbed them in a last minute change of plans and barged out the door.

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I drove to Marco's house, not really caring if a policeman stopped me and found I was driving without a license. I knew how to drive, and if I didn't do anything suspicious they wouldn't have a reason to stop me in the first place. I passed him before I got there; he was walking toward the news station in the opposite direction.

"Hey," I called though the window. "Want a ride?" I was trying to sound light and cheerful, and sounding that much worse for having failed.

Marco grinned and got in the car. He didn't say anything about my upset appearance and I wondered if he didn't notice or had some other reason. Then again, Marco noticed everything except the most obvious.

"Got the file?" I asked, unnecessarily. It wasn't likely that he would be going anywhere tonight without it.

He thumped a manila mailing folder, safely wrapped in an overlarge envelope, in his lap. "Got it right here. I was wondering if you were going to show up at all tonight. I was going to call, but I didn't know if you were still grounded or not."

"Well, I am."

"Snuck out?" he asked without a hint of teasing tone. So he did know something was wrong.

"Something like that."

We rode in silence the rest of the way over there. I divided my attention between the road and him, glancing over occasionally as if waiting for him to say something. He looked oddly relaxed, considering the importance of the mission we were on. Then again, we were delivering the mail, not going into an epic battle. This was probably just an ordinary car ride to him.

"Kind of nice."

He'd been silent so long that it took me a moment to realize he was talking to me. "What's nice?"

"Having someone else drive. Normally I'm the diver, but people always scream at me and I end up hitting stuff."

I almost smiled. "Then why do they keep letting you drive?"

He held up his hands and grinned at me, wiggling his fingers. "I'm the only one with hands."

I smiled back, but didn't fall into the invitation for chit-chat and made the rest of the trip in silence. When we did finally make it to the station we both got out of the car and I reached in the back seat for my book bag.

"I've got some more notes I worked up today. Do we want to add them?"

He came around the car to look at the papers I'd pulled out of my bag. Handwritten memos on letterhead paper that Erek had gotten for us. Marco stood behind me and read the top one over my shoulder.

"I still can't believe how good you are copying handwriting like this."

"Well, I've had years of fake doctor notes to practice on."

He reached around me for the papers and I noticed for the first time how close he was to me. And how we were almost the same height. And how dark his eyes were at night. And…

I stepped away a bit and cleared my throat, telling myself that it had been a far too emotional day and that I was starting to imagine things. Marco didn't seem to notice; he was still going through my memos.

"Some of these are repeats."

"What? Oh, those must be the ones I messed up on."

"Do you think we need them? I mean, we've got enough right here." He held up the hand that held the folder.

I shrugged. "Couldn't hurt."

"You never know. We don't want to overdo it."

"Well, either way, decide fast. Someone's going to see us out here and get suspicious."

He handed the whole mess over to me. "You decide. This was your idea."

I scowled at him and took the papers, looking through them again and picking out two. "Just these, then." I added them to the folder, placed it back in its envelope and gave it back to Marco.

"Why me?"

"Because."

He sighed and took the folder but didn't move. "Kind of anti-climactic, isn't it?"

I looked around the empty parking lot. Lights were on near the building, mostly at the front, but our area was completely in shadow. Deserted. I just didn't seem like the scene of a great victory. Not that we even knew if it would be a victory.

"Yeah. I'm almost disappointed. Like, winning should be this great, happy moment. Shouldn't it?"

"Not always. Sometimes it is. And sometimes it's just…a relief."

I tucked my hands in the pocket of my hoodie and considered that for a moment. When I realized Marco was still standing there I nudged him with my elbow. "What are you waiting for? Get with it."

He snapped a salute and then turned, making a big show of sneaking across the empty parking lot. I leaned against the car and watched his exaggerated tippy-toe. I could even imagine him humming theme music to himself. The thought made me smile. When he hid behind a light pole I outright laughed. How did he always know how to cheer me up?

He did, at least, have the common sense to act less conspicuous when he reached the lights. He placed the envelope, addressed to Adam Lynn, in front of the door. If Adam followed the plan, as per Marco's instructions, he'd show up in half an hour expecting to meet his informant and find the envelope instead.

Then, Marco walked calmly out of the light. But once he was well away he started running toward me, pumping one hand in the air for 'victory.' I giggled, then stopped myself. It simply wasn't an appropriate time for giggles.

"Exciting enough for you?" Marco asked when he was close enough.

I smiled, but didn't answer. Instead I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him, as if in jubilant celebration. He picked me up and we spun around a few times and I laughed again. It seemed the first time I'd laughed in days.

When he put me down I leaned in and kissed him. I didn't really think about it, didn't consider it, didn't even realize what I was doing until it was too late. And Marco must have been caught up in the moment as well because he didn't pull back right away.

"Oh…um…I…" I stepped back, away from him and out of the embrace. I was blushing so madly I thought my head might pop and trying to decide if I should apologize or not.

Marco laughed nervously and ran one hand through his hair, a gesture Jake usually did. "Well then…"

And neither of us knew what to say. We stood by the car, idly shifting around and being embarrassed, until I finally said, "I guess we should head back now."

"Um, yeah, probably. But, um, I think I'll fly home."

"Yeah, sure." I didn't question it; his flying meant we could avoid the awkward car ride home. Besides, it a nice night for flying. I waited long enough for him to put his shoes and jacket in the car, then left with one last awkward, embarrassed smile.

On the ride home I turned up the music as loud as it would go, hoping the noise would drown out all thoughts of the day. Facing Mom and Jake and Marco would be bad enough in the morning. Perhaps it was because I was singing along with the radio that I didn't notice the tail.

But after three turns I did notice him. We were the only two cars on the road and he was terrible at following. Just to make sure I turned down a residential street and wound my way through the neighborhood. He followed me all the way back to the main road. Now I was sure he was following me.

And now he knew that he was found out. He came up behind me until he was almost hitting my bumper. I sped up, thinking franticly. I had no idea how to loose a tail or out-race someone. I'd just learned to drive! But I didn't really have a choice. What if he'd seen me and Marco at the station? What if he knew or guessed what was going on? I couldn't let him catch me or follow me home.

I skipped the turn into my own neighborhood and headed for the highway, hoping to loose him among the other cars. But the guy was persistent. He stuck to my tail like glue, nearly running other cars off the road. I tried to speed up, but he stayed with me. We were way over the speed-limit and the few other cars were moving out of our way. An accident would have slowed him down, or brought in other people or the police. Instead we sped out of town nose-to-tail.

I was frantic, looking around and trying to see a way out. I thought about calling Jake, but Mom hadn't exactly given me her cell phone before I stormed out of the house. And what would Jake be able to do?

Could I leave the road? No, there were too many trees and it wouldn't do any good anyway.

I was speeding in a blind panic away from a car that was driven either by a maniac or a Controller with nothing but open highway ahead of me. Then I saw a bend in the road. As we came closer to it I realized that around the bend was a bridge. Not a big one, but a bridge to span one of the many small streams in the area.

I glanced at my speedometer. Over 95 miles an hour. The curve wasn't sharp, but it was just sharp enough. I was going too fast. And he was following too close.

I slammed on the breaks and turned the wheel sharply. I wouldn't stay on course, but maybe I could avoid going over the edge. It might have worked, if my pursuer had done the same. Instead he crashed into the passenger door and pushed us both over the edge.

Someone was screaming. It might have been me. But I wasn't listening. I was just looking up, through the windshield, at the perfect, starry night sky. A perfect night for flying.

And then it all went black.