NOTES: Must say, I love writing this fic! It's so much fun! I've written about half of it so far, but any ideas on problems are welcome. Please don't be put off by the increasing amount of mind - blowing sex or 'one thing lead to another' but we all know what's written in advise coloumns.

Please Read & Review.

ENJOY!

Sunday

Dear Madame Vulture,

Please find enclosed one… thing; the cause of all my problems. Maybe now I'll be able to concentrate more on grading papers. I accidentally graded Ron Weasley as an E this morning, thank god I noticed before lessons tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

Minerva,

Congratulations on making the first step. Now, remember, I shall only return this object to you if you write and ask three times. I wish you all the best.

Madame Vulture

Dear Madame Vulture,

I had the dream again last night, only this time it involved whipped cream.

I need to get a hold of myself. I'm dreading lessons tomorrow, I don't know if I'll be able to control myself if I see him in person. I've been thinking about what you said about taking a control on the situation, but I can't see what I could do.

Unless… Terry Boot's supposed to be gayer than the house elves… I suppose… no. No. That is way too drastic.

I'm probably just blowing this out of proportion. I mean, I've stayed in the common room all day today and hardly saw the pretentious git yesterday, I bet once I see him, I'll wonder what all the fuss what about.

Draco Malfoy

Draco,

I'm glad to hear you're talking so positively about the situation, and you know, I'm always here to advise. The important thing to remember is that even at the age of sixteen, your body is still an adolescent mess of hormones. This is just a phase. Nothing to get so stressed about. Keep clam and it'll probably disapparate in a day or two.

Madame Vulture

Dear 'Madame Vulture',

I overheard a few girls in the dormitory talking about advise from that they had received from you, and just exactly who you were. Neither girl had any idea, although I did learn something new about Terry Boot.

Anyway, firstly, I must congratulate you on your success on keeping your identity secret, it must be the most successful secret Hogwarts has ever had. Secondly, I was wondering whether you could let me onto the teensy little secret as to who you are.

I promise that you would be telling me confidentially and merely just to put my inquisitive mind at ease.

Yours Gratefully,

Hermione Granger

Hermione,

I know your intentions are good, sweet girl, but curiosity killed the cat, and you might do well to remember that.

Madame Vulture

Dear Madame Vulture,

I've been living a lie for quite some time now and I think I've finally realised that it has to stop. I can't carry on lying to my friends: they're starting to notice. I value their friendship so much and I wouldn't be able to stand it if they abandoned me.

But how would you react if your best friend told you he was a nudist?

I just wish I didn't feel this way, it feels so… wrong, and yet so liberating. Just to feel so… free.

What should I do? Should I carry on this with pretence and continue to lie to the people I love, or should I tell them the truth?

Is there anyway I can stop feeling this way?

Please help me,

Desperately,

Ron Weasley

Ron,

Plenty of people experiment with nudism at your age, it's completely natural. I, myself, have dabbled in the dark art of public nakedness once or twice, but the important thing is not to let this overcome you.

I think that you should tell your friends, and if they are true friends, they'll stand by you, but be wary of who you tell, some can be less than understanding.

Madame Vulture

Dear Madame Vulture,

It's me again! Thanks for that advise about Terry Boot, I'm so glad I didn't try to seduce him, and looked like a complete idiot! Phew! Apparently a lot of other girls knew he was gay, too, even Parvati. I can't believe she didn't tell me! Even after I told her about Hannah Abbott's new boyfriend!

She's so out to get me, I don't know what to do. She even started sitting next to Ginny Weasley at dinner, just to spite me.

What should I do? I can't believe how horrible and two - faced she's being. I hate her!

Your Biggest Fan,

Lavender Brown

Lavender,

Even though I can see your point, Lavender, I really don't think petty squabbling is the answer, do you? We both know how shallow and superficial Parvati can be, why don't you try being the bigger person?

Madame Vulture

Dear Madame Vulture,

I've decided that maybe I was being too hasty by sending you the object I found. I mean, 'addiction' is such a strong word, we were far to hasty to use it. So, I was just wondering whether you would kindly consider reply with my mysterious muggle artefact.

Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

Minerva,

Now, now, you remember our agreement: three times. This is just the relapse talking, you'll be fine by the end of the week. Just be strong now and keep yourself together. Remember, I'm always here to help.

Madame Vulture