NOTES: I love this fic so much! It's so much fun! This chapter, I've added another on-going problem in the form of Seamus' letter. I'd also like to apologise for those who think this is very smutty, but the original idea was to mock the letters that make up advise coloums anyway, so the letters are bound to be desperate. Hope I'm not offending anyone.

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ENJOY!

Monday

Dear Madame Vulture,

I know I've never written to you before. I've never written to any Agony Aunt before but something is really puzzling me and it's rather quite serious.

I noticed on Friday that Draco Malfoy was looking at me a bit… strangely. I tried to dismiss it, but then my friend Hermione said she'd noticed it too, which got me thinking as to why he was staring at me like that. It was a really sinister sort of stare and I kept catching him looking in my direction throughout breakfast the next day.

It sounds paranoid, but I think he's plotting something, and it's getting me quite nervous. It happened too many times today for it to be just coincidence, and he even moved to sit closer to me in Potions. As of tomorrow, I'm going to be on guard at all times. Even just at mealtimes or walking between classes, I'm going to make sure my wand is accessible at all times.

Is there anything you suggest? I need to find out what he's planning before he acts on it, but I have zero information, and you have it all.

Harry Potter

Harry

I'm afraid I can't give you any information that might help you. When I began giving out advise to the troubled students, (and teachers) of Hogwarts, I vowed never to divulge personal information to anyone other than that person.

However, I think that you are an intelligent young boy, who should know that violence never solves anything.

My advise to you would be that by all means defend yourself should the situation arrive, but don't go looking for trouble.

Madame Vulture

Dear Madam Vulture,

I need some advise on quite a personal matter. You see, I'm quite an attractive fifth year and recently I've found myself getting a lot of male interest. The first time something like this happened was when I met Michael Corner. I noticed him in a Herbology lesson, and we began working together in the greenhouse. He introduced himself, and then one thing led to another, and we were suddenly having mind-blowing sex in the Astronomy Tower.

But since then, I've found myself having as many meaningless flings as Terry Boot.

I always wake up the next morning feeling so miserable and unhappy, but I can't seem to be able to take control of myself.

Last night, I even found myself snogging Neville Longbottom in the kitchens, surrounded by several perverted house elves.

What should I do? I don't want to carry on like this, but at the same time, I don't feel I could commit to any kind of long term relationship.

Please Help,

Ginny Weasley

Ginny,

This is not an unusual problem at your age, though I admit, this doesn't make it a less than serious problem. The main thing is that sooner or later, this lustful past will catch up to you; perhaps when you are in a long term, stable relationship, or even when applying for a high profile job in the Ministry of Magic. And sooner or later, you're going to make quite a name for yourself. Most of the boys you find yourself with are mostly using you. Or worse, you are using them. Try to ask yourself, what do you gain from doing this?

Madame Vulture

Dear Madame Vulture,

It's me again! Parvati has been being completely nice of late - the treacherous bitch. Everyone else might not be able to see through this little act, but I can. I know what she's like. She's probably just biding her time, trying to recruit more people to help her in her life mission: to destroy me.

I swear, she can be so self involved sometimes! Trying to make everyone like her. It's so ridiculous! Take dinner today for example, she was sitting next to Ginny Weasley, laughing at everything she said, and she even offered to lend her some books for her homework. She's so annoying! I hate her!

I mean, she says that we're still as close as always, and she even suggested that we hang out more. Of course, I declined as politely as possible. (I smiled sweetly and told her that unfortunately I had come down with a sever case of the runs and would be unable to do anything that involved movement after lessons. I think she even believed me, the daft bint!) But, really, I know what she's up to, she's just trying to study my every mood, trying to work out when would be best to strike.

Well, two can play at that game, I'll pretend I've got the runs right up till Christmas if I have to!

Your Biggest Fan,

Lavender Brown

Lavender

I'm sorry my dear, but what exactly was it you wanted advice on?

Madame Vulture

Dear Madame Vulture,

I am a mature, successful woman with a very active and diverse social life. So why don't have I have a long term relationship!

It's been ten long years since my last successful relationship (which doesn't include that smarmy, good-for-nothing, lecherous husband, the bastard) and I need help on what I'm doing wrong. You see, I like to think of myself as quite a confident female, but when it comes to men, I just seem to turn to fertiliser. I can't even string a sentence together, and even if I do, it's definitely not something I want to say.

Please help, a colleague of mine has set my up on a blind date for the weekend and I'm horribly nervous. She told me he was a lovely chap and a fellow divorcee. Although, she has started acting strangely recently, and is now humming so frequently it just can't be ignored, so maybe her judgement isn't at it's peak right now.

Can you help me?

Thankfully,

Pomona Sprout

Pomona

It's happened to us all, hasn't it? I'm afraid that the dating scene is still a cruel a bitch as she always was, but that doesn't mean that the lovelorn and wary among us shouldn't go in with a negative attitude. I assure you that a positive attitude will do wonders; it will relax your date and encourage him to open up more easily. And remember - dating is about having a good time just as much as it's about finding Mr. Right, so make sure you enjoy yourself.

I'm also sensing a bit of bottle up anger over your ex husband? Perhaps you could work on that, though I doubt it's anything likely to ruin your date.

Good Luck!

Madame Vulture

Dear Madame Vulture,

I'm so confused I don't know where to turn, I think I might have accidentally destroyed the best friendship I've ever had, and what's worse is that now I think I could be gay.

I don't know what to do - it was completely accidental but now I don't know how to act and how I should feel about what I saw.

The thing is, the other night, I accidentally saw Dean in the shower. No, I guess it was only a matter of time before something like this happened with five boys sharing one bathroom, but it was a complete shock. And, the worst part is, I think I liked what I saw. I've never had any kind of feelings like this for another boy before, least of all Dean, but now I don't know how to act around him.

I never realised he was so buff or so… - you see! Listen to me! Even when I'm writing I keep thinking about it. But what do I do? Can I really discover any possible gay sexuality just by an accidental look in the shower?

I think he's starting to notice, too.

What should I do?

Desperately,

Seamus Finnigan

Seamus

This is completely normal for boys your age. It's important not to label yourself. And if you really never have had any sexual feelings about boys before than you probably aren't even gay. And don't worry about your friendship, you should just explain to Dean. I'm very sure he'd understand. He might even have gone through the same thing. You'd laugh if you knew how common it was. Remember: I'm always here to help.

Madame Vulture