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Wednesday
Dear Madame Vulture,
I am a bit concerned about the welfare of one of my closest friends, Terry Boot.
I know he has a bit of a reputation for being, well, a whore, but recently he's starting acting rather strangely. It's become rather obvious that sitting down is now very painful for him, and he was literally crying in agony when he mounted his broom the other evening. I hardly ever see him outside lessons anymore, as he's always busy, and he's started skipping lesson too.
It's obvious he's got himself a new boyfriend, I just don't want him to start throwing his grades away because of it. This morning, I even found Gryffindor Robes in our dormitory.
What should I do?
A concerned friend,
Anthony Goldstein
Anthony,
I think it's really important that you just tell Terry your concerns. Don't overload him or make it into a big thing, but just have a quiet word before it gets out of hand. And make sure you let him know that your not against him and that your always there to talk. And you are right in thinking that skipping lessons is wrong, because your sixth year is a very important one. You can still have a great relationship without breaking all the rules.
Madame Vulture
Dear Madame Vulture,
You'll never believe what happened at lunch yesterday! I was simply going to ask Harry whether he'd finished with the mashed potato when he turned around and punched me in the face! As if he hadn't done enough already! I don't even have to remind you about that 'Undying Love Spell' I tried to place on Draco Malfoy, when stupid arrogant Potter got in the way. Completely ruined the spell! It didn't work at all! It cost me 7 galleons as well!
But, when you think about it, this is all Parvati's fault. She was the one who asked me to pass the mashed potato. She was the one who bought the 'Undying Love Spell Kit' in the first place, meaning I had to buy it too. And she was the one who had a crush on Draco. I mean, if she hadn't of liked Draco, then I wouldn't have tried to seduce him, would I?
I can't believe how twisted she is! She's like some kind of criminal mastermind! There is absolutely NO way that I am ever talking to her again. Ever! Just who does she think she is!
Your Biggest Fan,
Lavender Brown
Lavender
If you really feel that your relationship with Parvati is the cause of all your problems, then, by all means, never talk to her again, or do whatever it is you feel you have to do to destroy the friendship. But have you tried talking to Parvati about how you feel? That way you might find yourself with an apology.
Madame Vulture
Dear Madame Vulture,
I need a bit of advice. You see, I'm an intelligent seventh year and so, naturally, I'm being asked a lot of questions about what I plan to do next year, or what I hope to achieve in the future and whether I would consider coming back to Hogwarts to teach. I always tell them I'm keeping my options open; a response that seems perfectly acceptable to everyone but my parents.
Now, my parents have never been particularly laid back, but they've never been as controlling as this before. My mother is a Healer at St.Mungo's and my father works in the Ministry, so both are really pushing me to follow in their successful footsteps. So how I earth do I tell them that all I really want to do is tour the country with my rock band?
We're a pretty successful group, and we've been together as a band for two years now, but we've all been close friends since our first year. We've played at the Three Broomsticks countless times, and had plenty of gigs during the summer in Muggle bars and pubs (though of course, I didn't tell my parents about this) and we're even scheduled to play at the Christmas Feast this year.
Music is really my passion, and as a group we've managed to churn out twenty amazing songs since August alone! I just really don't want to give it up, or even just do it in my spare time. So how do I tell my Mum and Dad that I wanna be a rockstar?
Yours musically,
Cho Chang
Cho
Oh, I am so glad you've written to me! I am such a fan! I've seen all your gigs at the Three Broomsticks and can't wait to see you there again on the 28th! I love all your songs, especially 'Don't Disapparate on Me' and 'Avada Kadavra My Heart'.
My personal opinion is that you are very musically talented and if music is your passion then great. You could always try it for a year and see how it goes. As for telling your parents, just remind them that at the end of the day, it's your choice and your life.
Maybe you could invite them to a gig to show them your talent?
Your Biggest Fan,
Madame Vulture
Dear Madame Vulture,
As it turns out, I really do rather miss that old source of all my problems, and I think it's beginning to show. I've become more irritable in class, and I've even begun to take it out on my colleagues. Please, please return it, I never wanted it to get this far. I never meant to hurt anybody, I just need it back!
I feel so lonely without the upbeat tunes bouncing around my cranium. My loneliness is killing me. But, I must confess, I still believe. When I'm not with you… - er, it, - I loose my mind, give me a sign! Please, just send it back?
Increasingly Desperate,
Minerva McGonagall
Minerva,
Now, now, remember our deal? And this is for your own good. Your colleagues will understand and your students will forgive you, but the most important thing right now is to begin to function without it. All your going through now is withdrawals. But remember, you are stronger than that. You don't need this, you just crave it.
Rise above it!
I recommend a compelling, new hobby. Such as Scrabble or Monopoly.
Good Luck & Best Wishes,
Madame Vulture
Dear Madame Vulture,
Something strange is going on. Something very, very strange.
Remember how I told you that Draco Malfoy was either determined to kill me, or quite possibly go about life as normal, in order to make me think he wasn't trying to kill me? Well, now he's decided to confess his undying love for me in some sick, brilliant new way to end my existence.
It happened outside the dungeons today: I was making my way up the staircase with Ron and Hermione, discussing Terry Boot's sudden new hair style (it's black and untidy and surprisingly attractive) when Draco came up behind me, whilst I was unarmed, and tapped me on the shoulder. He told me he needed to talk to me. So we waited until the rest of the class filtered towards the Great Hall were food was being served, and then he turned to me; looked me straight in the eye, before doing something so horribly twisted I couldn't believe it: he started crying. Draco. Crying.
He was weeping something about desires and arousal and I think Terry Boot came into it somewhere. But I definitely got what he said next. He turned to me, tears running down his face in a very unattractive manner and said to me, in a voice that did not make me want to shove my tongue down his throat, 'Harry, I love you.' At that point I think my jaw literally dropped. But only because of his confession, not because of this wholly non-attractive state.
So now what do I do?
I'm a very straight student who has never for a minute had any kind of lustful feelings towards Draco Malfoy! A student who has not had a secret burning desire for his bare flesh ever since the first year.
So what should I tell him?
Harry Potter
Harry,
Are you sure you know how you really feel about Draco? Any feelings you have for him are your business and only yours so denial won't prove anything. Draco obviously feels very strongly towards you so if you do decide to tell him you don't feel anything for him, then make sure you let him down gently: devastated people can do desperate things, I've seen it.
But, please, don't be too hasty. Remember any decisions you make now don't have to reflect your entire future, but make sure you are being completely honest with yourself.
Madame Vulture
Dear Madame Vulture,
Congratulations on this charming new advise scheme!
Yours Faithfully,
Albus Dumbledore