[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Rachel's wedding day one year after she got off the plane. Joey, Monica, and Chandler are sitting at the gang's usual spot. Phoebe comes in through the front door excitedly, carrying a huge cardboard box. The contents inside it seem to be wiggling.]
Phoebe: You guys! You guys!
Chandler (sarcastically): Anybody hear anything?
Monica: Hey! Whatcha got there, Pheebs?
Phoebe: It's a wedding day present!
Chandler (sarcastically): But Phoebe, my wedding was four years ago.
Phoebe: Ha-ha, funny guy.
Monica: What'd you get them?
Chandler: A big, questionably gelatinous cardboard box?
Phoebe (rolling her eyes): Shhhh! (She sits down on the orange couch, squeezing in between Monica and Chandler, who reluctantly get pushed to the sides). I got them a box of live lobsters! (She opens the box. Monica and Chandler jump off the couch).
Monica: I'm sorry...what?
Phoebe (gleefully): I got them lobsters!
Chandler: I'm not following.
Phoebe: Lobsters? You know, for Ross and Rachel? Because they're each other's lobsters?
Monica: Um, Pheebs. You do know Ross is allergic to lobster, don't you?
Phoebe (rolls her eyes): Not these lobsters.
Chandler: Because they're...hypoallergenic?
Phoebe: No. Because I got them from Monica's restaurant!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Yuh-huh! I took them the other night, when I dropped by for dinner with Joey? I got them from the tank by the hostess. (She turns to Joey). He helped!
Joey (grinning): I did!
Chandler: What'd you do, Joe? Distract the hostess by hitting on her while Phoebe got to work?
Joey: How'd you know!
Monica (glaring at both Phoebe and Joey): Those lobsters are expensive.
Chandler: Well, I mean, they are hypoallergenic.
Monica (glaring at Chandler): Phoebe, what makes you think Ross won't be allergic to these lobsters?
Phoebe: We-ell, they're from your restaurant, right, Monica? And Ross is your brother. And clearly you're not allergic to them, because you work with them...
Chandler: Ah, yes, those lobsters make great coworkers. You know, I worked with a shellfish once. Didn't like him so much.
Phoebe: So if you're not allergic to them, then how could Ross be allergic to them?
Monica: I'm not following.
Phoebe: Come on, you guys! It's a scientific fact that if one sibling is allergic to something, then the other must be, too! And vice versa! Right Joey?
Joey: Sure! (Looking confused) What's a vice versa?
Monica (to Phoebe): What in the world makes you think that?
Phoebe: Well, if you must ask, I'm allergic to penicillin and so is Ursula. So there! Hah!
Joey (looking horrified): You're allergic to penises? And Mike still married you? Sheesh, I could never be with a girl who's allergic to penises. Phoebe, I always knew he was an excellent guy. You're a lucky, lucky gal.
Chandler: Eh, maybe not so lucky.
[Opening credits.]
[Scene: Hotel suite. Rachel is sitting on a chair with her makeup and hair done. A nearly three-year-old Emma sits on her lap, all dressed up in her flower girl dress. Monica is on the phone, arguing with the caterers. Rachel seems anxious.]
Monica (yelling into the phone): What do you mean, you forgot the aperitifs?
(Rachel shoots Monica a panicked look)
Monica (waves her off and mouths): Don't worry about it. (She yells into the phone). Well figure it out! Well, I don't care that Marjorie's grandpa died on Sunday. Listen, there better be something for the guests to eat or I'll kick your ass! (She hangs up).
Rachel (sarcastically): Well, this is just great. Just great.
Monica (runs up to Rachel and grabs her hand): Honey, I told you not to worry.
Rachel: Not to worry? Not to worry? People are going to starve!
Monica: I'm telling you, it's gonna be fine.
Rachel: Promise?
Monica: Of course I promise.
Rachel: Okay...
Monica: You don't seem okay.
Rachel: I guess it's just...wedding jitters, maybe.
Monica (outraged): You're not having second thoughts, are you? Should I guard the bathroom window? (Rachel shoots her a look). Because that would completely destroy my brother.
Rachel: No. No, that's not it.
Monica: What is it, then?
Rachel: Well, it's just...walking down the aisle with my parents? I just know they'll argue the whole way.
Monica: I'm sure they won't.
(Rachel gives Monica a look).
Monica: Well, maybe they will. But honey, that doesn't really matter, okay? It's your wedding day. You can't let that get to you.
Rachel (nodding): I guess.
Monica: Is that all?
Rachel: Well...there's also one more thing.
Monica: What's that?
Rachel: It's just...all of Ross's marriages end in divorce.
Monica: Rach, you know this time it's gonna be different.
Rachel: Well, how do you know that? Ross and I are so good right now. What if he's just not supposed to be married? What if this breaks up our family?
Monica: Rach, that's not going to happen.
Rachel: But how do you know?
Monica: Well, I mean, if you really think about it, two out of those three divorces happened because Ross was still so desperately in love with you.
Rachel: What do you mean?
Monica: I mean, think about it! He said your name instead of Emily's because he still loved you-
Rachel (outraged): Hey! You told me it didn't mean anything!
Monica (rolling her eyes): Well, I had to, didn't I? Otherwise you would've told him how you felt and then he would've been even more confused.
Rachel: But I did tell him how I felt.
Monica: I guess that's true. (She pauses for a moment to think). You know, you really shouldn't have done that.
(Rachel shoots her an exasperated look).
[Scene: A different hotel suite. The guys are ready in their tuxes. Ben is in the background, all dressed up to be the ring bearer, playing with his Gameboy.]
Joey: Now, Ross, let's practice it one more time...
Ross (annoyed): Oh, come on! (He looks at Chandler. Chandler shrugs).
Joey: Repeat after me. I, Ross, take thee Rachel. Rachel. Rachel.
Ben (joining in): Rachel.
Ross: Give it a rest, will you? (He turns to Chandler). Chandler?
Chandler (shrugging): You know, I'm with Joe on this one.
Ross: Come on!
Chandler: Better safe than sorry, man.
Joey: I, Ross, take thee Rachel. (He gestures toward Ross, encouraging him to repeat his words).
Ross (in a sing-song, mimic-y voice): I, Ross, take thee Rachel.
Joey: Hey! Not with that attitude, you won't.
(Ross makes a face).
Chandler: Oh, and Ross? One more thing. What did we agree?
(Ross rolls his eyes).
Chandler: Come on, man. What did we agree?
Ross (looking down at his feet, ashamed): I won't divorce this one.
Chandler: Excellent.
Joey: Okay, okay, Ross. One more time. I, Ross, take thee Rachel...
[Scene: Phoebe enters the hotel lobby with her box of live lobsters. She accidentally bumps into the caterer, who just got off the phone arguing with Monica.]
Phoebe: Whoops! Sorry!
Caterer: Don't worry about it. (She stares at the box of lobsters, confused). Hey, are those lobsters?
Phoebe: Yes! Isn't it great?
Caterer (lighting up): Oh, thank God. You're a lifesaver.
Phoebe: I am?
Caterer: Of course! You're from the hotel kitchen, aren't you?
Phoebe: Well, really, I'm from Upstate. Though I do like the hotel kitchen! I hear it's a great place.
Caterer (laughs): You're kind of weird, you know that?
Phoebe: So I've been told.
Caterer (pointing at the lobsters): Those - those are for the Geller-Greene wedding, no?
Phoebe (jumping up and down): Yes! Yes, how'd you know! (She almost drops the box of lobsters). Whoa, there!
Caterer: You know what? How about you give me those lobsters and I take care of everything from here?
Phoebe: Oh, really? You would do that? Geez, you're so nice! (She hands the caterer the lobsters).
[Scene: Wedding ceremony. Ross is standing by himself at the altar. Joey is officiating. Jill and Amy are in the audience. Jill is flirting loudly with...Jack Geller. Judy is trying to pry a totally oblivious Jack away from her. Amy is filing her fingernails, bored.]
[Scene: Room just outside of the hall where the ceremony is being held. Dr. Greene and Sandra are in the middle of an unintelligible screaming match. Monica and Phoebe are rubbing Rachel's back while she breathes into a paper bag. Waiters are walking around with trays, handing out aperitifs. Rachel takes one and downs it like a tequila shot. The music comes on and the procession begins. Monica and Chandler walk in, hand in hand, followed by Phoebe and Mike, Ben the ring-bearer, and little flower girl Emma. Finally, Rachel walks in looking stunning, linking arms with her parents. Everyone stands up and turns to look at the bride. Dr. Greene and Sandra are still bickering with each other. Rachel looks like she's about to snap.]
Rachel (through gritted teeth): Mom, Daddy, stop it! It's my wedding day!
Sandra: You're right, sweetheart. I'm sorry.
Rachel: Thank you.
Dr. Greene (rolling his eyes): She's not sorry. She's never sorry!
Rachel (hushing him): Daddy!
Dr. Greene: Okay, okay.
(Rachel, Dr. Greene, and Sandra make it to the altar. They both kiss Rachel on the cheek and take their seats in the audience. Ross and Rachel look at each other adoringly. Rachel is already crying. Ross gets a little teary-eyed, too, but tries to hide it).
Joey: Aw, look at you two! Only took you 21 years to get here!
(Both Rachel and Ross glare at Joey. Chandler kicks him in the shin. Joey jumps in pain).
Joey: Ow! All right, all right. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. Now, listen, what is there to say about Ross and Rachel? I've known both of them for a long time, and let me tell ya, this road hasn't been easy. First, they met in high school, when Monica was fat, Ross was a loser, and Rachel had a huge nose -
(Monica, Rachel, and Ross glare at him).
Joey: But - but then, Ross fell in love with Rachel, but Rachel didn't love him. Then Ross married a lesbian -
Ross: Joey!
Joey: What? It's a great story!
Ross: What part of that is a great story?
Joey: The lesbian part! What else?
Rachel (covering her face): Oh my God.
Chandler: Joey, would you just go?
Joey: Uh, uh, okay. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Ross married a lesbian and Rachel was supposed to marry this dentist, but she left him at the altar.
Rachel (mortified): Oh my God.
Ross (hissing): Would you move along, please?
Joey: Anyway. (Speaking super quickly) So Rachel left the dentist and moved in with Monica, and then Ross fell in love with her again. Rachel, not Monica. Because Monica is his sister, and that would be weird. (Everyone glares at Joey) Okay, okay, so Ross fell in love with Rachel, and she had no idea, until Ross went to China and Chandler told her by accident, but by then, Ross was dating Julie, and now Rachel was in love with Ross, but he had no idea. So then Rachel got extremely drunk at a date and left Ross a voicemail, admitting that she had feelings for him, so in the morning Ross heard the message, and then they kissed at Central Perk. Actually, I believe my friend Phoebe here - (Joey gestures toward Phoebe. Phoebe perks up) - I believe she wrote a song about it-
Phoebe (excitedly): I did! I did! "Two of Them Kissed Last Night." Ooh - should I sing it?
Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica: No!
Joey (raising his eyebrows): Yeesh. Anyway, then Ross had to choose between Rachel and Julie, so Chandler and I told him to make a pros and cons list, which looking back, wasn't a very good idea. Anyway, Rachel found the list and -
The entire audience: Move along!
Joey (speaking even quicker): All right, so they dated, but then they went on a break -
Rachel (glaring at Joey): We were not -
Chandler: Joey! Would you just finish!
Joey: Geez! If you keep rushing me like this, I won't be able to tell the full story!
Chandler: No one wants to hear the full story!
Joey (scoffing): Of course they want to hear the full story.
Chandler: No, they don't.
Joey (to the audience): Do you want to hear the full story?
The audience: No!
Joey: Okay, blah blah blah, the end, she got off the plane. And now they're getting married!
Ross: Thank you.
Joey: Okay, so Rachel, repeat after me. I, Rachel...
Rachel (sobbing): I, Rachel...
Joey: Take thee Ross...
Rachel: Take thee Ross...
Joey: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, til death parts us...
Rachel: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, til death parts us...
Chandler (whispering in Ross's ear): You hear that, Ross? Death, not divorce. I know they both start with a D, but they're different words.
(Ross gives Chandler a look).
Joey: Okay, now Ross, it's your turn. Listen very carefully. You really don't want to mess this part up.
(Now Ross gives Joey a look).
Joey: I, Ross, take thee (super slowly now) Rachel...
Ross: I, Ross, take thee (pauses) Rachel...
Joey (excitedly): Yay! You did it!
(Ross rolls his eyes but looks kind of proud).
Joey: ...Take thee Rachel as my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, til death parts us...
Ross: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, til death parts us...
Joey: By the power vested in me by the state of New York and the internet, I now pronounce you...Mr. Rachel and Mrs. Ross. (Everyone glares at Joey) Sheesh, tough crowd. (To Ross) Anyway, you may now kiss the bride! Yay! Oh - don't forget the rings! (Looks frustrated) Dang it! I always forget the rings!
(Ross and Rachel exchange rings and kiss passionately, reminiscent of their first Central Perk kiss. The crowd cheers. The wedding party leaves the altar, walking down the aisle. Halfway through, Ross's face turns bright red, his throat closes, and he collapses).
Rachel (kneeling down): Oh my God! Ross!
(Everyone rushes toward Ross).
Chandler (to Joey): You know, when I said only death should part them, this is totally not what I meant.
[Closing credits.]
[Scene: Ross is in a hospital bed. Rachel is holding his hand. Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are crowding around him].
Phoebe: You know, I wouldn't have given the caterer the lobsters if I knew she was going to cook them.
Monica: What else did you think a caterer wanted with lobsters?
Phoebe (rolling her eyes): Uh, I don't know. (Her eyes light up) Ooh, maybe a new pet!
Chandler: Ah, lobsters. A caterer's best friend.
(Everyone glares at Chandler).
Phoebe: I mean, who would murder a lobster?
Monica (raising hand): Uh, I would. I do, actually. Everyday at work.
Phoebe (completely outraged): Monica, I can't believe you. That's...that's grotesque.
Rachel: You know what, you guys? Ross is okay and we're married. That's all that matters. (She leans in to kiss Ross. Ross dodges her).
Rachel: Honey. I brushed my teeth. (She leans in for a kiss again. Ross dodges her again). Like fifty times.
Ross: Oh.
(They kiss).
[End.]