This is now the story I've written that has the most reviews! I'm so totally touched, thank you so much! This is the letter chapter... I have to say, without being vain or anything, that writing this chapter, and the letter part especially, was really hard... it really upset me which is quite tragic! I hope you don't think it's too sentimental and out of character for the Doctor.
"Live for each second without hesitation, and never forget I'm your man."
After settling Tala the following evening, Rose prepared herself to open her diary. It had been lying under her bed since she'd returned a year ago; she couldn't stand to see its blue leather cover with the big scorch mark from when she'd left it too close to the vortex. It had mocked her, staring up at her and reminding her what she'd lost. Between those covers she'd written down her every thought and feeling whilst she'd been on board the TARDIS. She'd re-read some parts of it so many times that she could still remember them now and they made her feel so stupid. As she searched under her bed this evening, pulling out all the things she'd stashed under there in the last year, one particular entry kept racing through her mind, over and over again, as if it were stuck on a loop. No matter how much she tried to block it out, by pretending to marvel at the things she found, she couldn't get rid of the sentences that ran around her mind. She could even remember where she was when she'd written them. She'd taken the diary into the bathroom with her to be away from Mickey; he was always so nosey over things like that, and she couldn't let him read what she was writing this time. Perched on the side of the bath, while she let the shower run, steam had risen up, making the pages damp and difficult to write on, but she had been determined to get her feelings down on paper. As she scrabbled under the bed now, she remembered how she'd always felt better after writing things down; maybe she should start again.
That evening, she'd hardly known where to begin, and the first three paragraphs or so had been mundane, recording the events of the day. Well, mundane in the sense that they'd landed on a space station in the fifty-first century and somehow stepped through a "spatio-temporal hyperlink" (she had to smile even now) into pre-Revolutionary France. Then there was the usual Doctor saves the day stuff and then finally she'd got down to what she'd really wanted to say. Had been saying deep down for weeks, months, ever since she'd clapped eyes on the Doctor all that time ago.
Today reminded me that he wasn't my Doctor. That he could so easily go off and leave me if he wanted. I don't own him; I barely even know him. It's not like when you meet a regular person, is it? You learn their name, where they come from, what they do, how old they are… it's not exactly simple when it comes to the Doctor. Doctor Who? He comes from somewhere I can't even imagine, and that he can't point out on a map. I can't even base my knowledge of him on what he looks like; I've seen two of him. He is the ultimate in unknowableness (if that's even a word!) How can you own something you don't even understand?
He could leave me if he wanted. He didn't have to come back today; he could have stayed in France with her, he could have forgotten all about us up on that space station. But he didn't, he came back. Even if he was quiet and withdrawn at first… he came back. And he'll always come back, I can feel that. Always.
Her naivety almost made her vomit. Such a stupid little girl, believing in the happy endings, believing in true love conquering all. Believing in him had been her big mistake. She was just torturing herself with those memories of what she had been. Innocent. Naïve. Idiotic. Pathetic. Too trusting.
She pulled a box of CDs out and there it was, gathering dust. She pulled it out, remembering its feel. It was covered in dust and she blew it off, carefully avoiding Tala's cot. She took a deep breath. Her stomach was fluttering anxiously. He hadn't told her what was in the letter, just that he hoped it would explain things.
As she opened her diary, several folded sheets of paper dropped out. She picked them up. It was a long letter. She sat on her bed and opened them out. From the first sheet, she could tell that a lot of it was crossed out; he'd clearly had difficulty with this. And his handwriting was appalling. Maybe that was why he was called the Doctor. Slowly, struggling to decipher some words, Rose read the letter.
Dear Rose.
It hasn't been easy writing this. If there was any other way to do this I would. I'm normally the one who can't stop talking, aren't I? How often have you told me to be quiet and let you get a word in edgeways? So you'd think I'd have had enough practise at this kind of thing to stand me in good stead for anything. Well, you'd be wrong. This is the only way I can think of to do this, and if it makes me a coward, so be it. I am a coward, for what I've done and why. I'm a coward because I've left it until now to say everything, and can't even say it to your face. There's so much I want to tell you, Rose, and I can't even think where to begin.
From the moment I saw you, down in that basement, I knew I had to protect you. Something in you called out to me, and I made a promise to myself that I'd never let anything harm you. You haven't made that easy at times, and I know I've failed. I wasn't always there for you, I didn't always do the right thing. But I'm the Time Lord, I'm not perfect. I'm as flawed as you are, Rose, probably more so. I make mistakes and some of my biggest mistakes were connected to you. I should never have put you in the situations I did. In Utah, I shouldn't have let that filthy Darlek within one hair's breadth of you. I shouldn't have put you in the position of seeing your dad die. I should never have sent you away and forced you into looking into the vortex. I should never have left you behind when I went to France. I should have stayed by your side at the Coronation. I took us to that stupid planet and risked our lives. Of all the mistakes I've ever made, Rose, the biggest was asking you come with me. Because I knew deep down, that no matter how much I wanted to protect you, if you came with me and saw the things I saw, then you would get hurt in some way And yet, that was my favourite mistake. I lie awake at night and think sometimes, and I know that it would have been a mistake not to make that mistake. Because you, Rose Tyler, have changed my life forever. And I want to thank you for that.
I want to thank you for accepting me the way I was, and the way I am. I never told you, but I heard you crying at night for the old me. You don't know how much I wanted to give you what you wanted, what you needed. I had to force myself not to go into you and tell you how much I wished I could be the man you loved, the man you lived for. Even if he was, dare I say, a darn sight less dashing than I am now! I knew how much you were hurting and yet I couldn't say a thing; regeneration is something I've had to deal with, have known about since I was born. It's the charm and the curse of the Time Lords. How could I make you understand that it had taken me by surprise as much as you this time? That for some reason I'd felt invincible this time, like I could live forever. A reason that was lying on her bed, sobbing her heart out for the man she had lost, while the man she had gained was standing alone in the corridor, watching her cry. I want to thank you for making the effort, because I know it wasn't easy. Sharing your life with a stranger twice over… Thank you.
I want to thank you too for being you. You are a wonderful person, Rose, don't ever let anyone tell you differently. You've made me believe in so much all over again. When I met you I was a different man, in more ways than one. I'd lost everything, my home, my family, my friends. All I had left in the world was this blue box and a scattering of memories; memories too painful to think about. I'd expected to live out my lonely life, just spinning through time and space, waiting for the end that was forever in coming. Then I met you and suddenly I felt like I had a purpose again. You were like a breath of fresh air, coming into my stuffy old life, showing me it all through the eyes of a nineteen-year-old drop-out from a rough London estate. Sorry, there goes the rudeness again. I didn't mean that; you're so much more, Rose, Tyler, so much more. I don't even know how to explain everything you are. You've shown me what it is to be human, really human. I was scared to feel when I met you, scared to let go entirely. To feel was to hurt… I was even beginning to understand the Cybermen. If I could have numbed all my senses and just lived in my own shell, I would have done. You gave me back the will to live, the will to feel. Sadness, happiness, jealousy, pity, grief, awe, hate, love… I'd hidden from all of these, too terrified to lay myself open again to get hurt. But they were part of you, they were who you were. How could I not wish to feel them? Without emotions, what are we anyway? Just empty shells on a rock in space. No better than tin cans. And you know how I'd hate to be a tin can. Thank you.
I want to thank you for choosing me so often. Believe me, it boosted my confidence no end. What I offered you was no doubt more exciting than anything you'd ever experienced down there, in your urban life. I don't know exactly what you saw when you ran towards me that night. Adventure. Excitement. Escape. Freedom. Maybe all of those. Maybe none. But it was a big leap for you, I know that. Your life was so very different before I came into it. I dismissed it as boring at the time, certain you'd want to come and see the stars. But I have lain awake at night sometimes, wondering if I forced you into it. Maybe you loved your life down there, living with your mum, being with Mickey, working in that shop. Maybe that was all you wanted and you'd have been content with that. To have chosen me over the only life you'd ever known, the people you loved… that meant so much. I know I drove you mad sometimes, especially when I was rude to Mickey. It wasn't that I hated him… oh okay, it was. But it wasn't like you thought. I was jealous of him at first, annoyed that he'd shared so much with you, been your best friend for years. I'd wasted so much time living on my own, mourning my loss, licking my wounds. I think sometimes that I'd like to have met you sooner, when you were younger. I'd have watched you grow up. I'd have been the one you ran home to when that slimeball Jimmy Stone cast you aside like you meant nothing. I'd have picked you up and held you closely and told you how much you were worth, because you're worth a thousand of people like him, a million. I hated that Mickey would forever be your knight in shining armour. And I hated that you still loved him, still wanted to be with him. Even as the months wore on, and I saw you choosing me over him time after time, I still harboured that fear that you'd leave me alone again to be with him. Yet as I became more certain that you would never, could never choose him over me, I still felt some derision towards him. It wasn't smugness… well, maybe a bit. I'd got the girl after all! He represented what could happen to me one day when someone, some wonderful man who kept his promises and was everything you wanted and deserved came along and swept you off your feet in a way I could only dream about. That tore me apart. That one day I could be Mickey the Idiot. So thank you for never putting me through that, Rose, for never breaking my heart.
I've got so much to thank you for, Rose, and so much to say sorry for. I sometimes feel that you gave me everything and I never gave anything in return. Friendship is a two way street, and it feels like I just never gave enough and never earned that friendship that you gave so willingly. I'm sorry for everything I've already listed; even the things I couldn't control, I'm sorry for. I wanted the best for you, Rose, I wanted to take you places you'd never been before and show you things you'd never seen. I never meant to hurt you in any way. You deserved so much better, so much more. I should have taken you to so many more places, and now I fear I never will.
I'm sorry I never said all these things to you before now. I'm the Doctor, not afraid of anything. But I am, Rose, I'm afraid of so much. Most of all, I was afraid to tell you any of this. I was too afraid to sit you down and hold you tightly and tell you everything about myself, who I was, where I come from, why I do all of this. How I feel about you. I was afraid you'd reject me, afraid it would all be too much for you. You're young and deserve your freedom, and I want you to have that. I want you to have the best life, doing exactly what you want and being who you want to be, not someone's plus-one, hanging on for dear life. You mean far too much to me for that.
I'm scared that my feelings for you could hurt not only you, and not only me, but everyone in the universe. Time Lords aren't supposed to do things like this, aren't supposed to feel things like this. We're supposed to be the rational beings who control things and make sure everybody's safe. I can't do that with you around. Because when I'm with you, you're the only thing that's on my mind. I risked everyone's lives out in Utah to save yours. I sent you away from the Gamestation to save you, and risked the whole world's lives instead. The only person I want to save, Rose, is you. And that's dangerous for a Time Lord.
I'm afraid of you getting hurt irreparably. You know what I mean. I'm scared that one day I'll put you in a situation where I can't help you, where no one can help you. To see you be injured… I couldn't bear it. And to know that I'd caused it would kill me. I'd never forgive myself. It's selfish but I don't think I could take it if I lost someone else that I loved. Because I do, Rose. I love you so much.
I loved you since I met you and I've never stopped. I love you in all your moods, when you're excited and happy, or when you're angry and upset, or when you're tired or afraid. I love every inch of you from your dark unbleached roots to you chipped toenails. I love the untidy way you sleep and the way you eat chips. I love how you take everything in your stride and you're never afraid to try something new. I love the way you cope with life with me. I love how you care about everyone, from your mum and Mickey, to the Darleks and Adam. I love how you can't ever resist buying yet another pair of shoes, and how you insist on making me comment on them even though I don't have an opinion of any worth when it comes to things like that. I love everything about you, Rose, the good and bad, because they all make you who you are. I know that this is all too late, all far far too late, but if I never tell you how I feel I know I'll have made yet another mistake. I love you, Rose Tyler, and I always always will.
I know you'll wonder why I've done this even after you've finished reading this letter. I just want you to know that it isn't your fault. It isn't because of anything you've done. You've only ever done the right thing. It's because of me that this has to happen, and it's probably yet another mistake, but it seems like the right thing. I've had you for longer than anyone ever should. You'll never leave unless I do this, and I want you safe, Rose, I want you to be happy and live the life you're supposed to have. No matter how much I love you, I can't give you what you need and want and deserve. I'll only ever be what I am now. So that's why I'm doing this. I don't want an argument, I don't want to say goodbye. So this is why I'm being a coward now.
Without me to hold you back and drag you away from your real life, I want you to do everything you ever wanted. I want you to go to university if you want to, or get your dream job. I want you to fall in love with a man who can give you everything you want and need, and I want you to live everyday like it's your last. I don't want you to waste time thinking about me or this life. I don't ever want you to think that it's your fault that this has happened. I want you to forget about me as well as you can, and if you ever think of me, I just want you to remember that I will always love you, that I will never stop because I can't. I'll love you wherever I am in the universe or time. I'll love you no matter what you do with your life or how you look when you're eighty. I'll love you until my last regeneration draws his dying breath, and I hope even after that I'll love you.
You've been my best friend, Rose Tyler, the best companion a Time Lord could ever had. I want you to know that and I want you to remember that every time any one dares to criticise you. You're the most wonderful person in the world to me. You deserve everything.
I hate goodbyes, but I know it's time. Goodbye, Rose, stay the way you are because you're perfect in every way. There's nothing left for me to say but, as one very wise man once said, have a good life. Do that for me, Rose. Have a fantastic life.
Yours forever,
The Doctor.
Rose let out a long breath as she folded the paper back up, as ink ran down the page. Her hands trembled as she turned her head into the pillow and sobbed silently.
Lyrics from "I guess that's why they call it the blues" by Elton John... if you've never listened to it, you should! It's such a lovely song.