Thank you so so much for the reviews! It sounds very sick to say I'm glad I made some of you cry with the last chapter but you know what I mean! This is a VERY long chapter, I have no idea how it got this long. And just to defend Holly a bit... please don't condemn her until you've read this chapter... I actually became very fond of her... I might even use her again in the future. Btw, three more chapters left after this one...

"How can it be me you're asking me to feel the things you never showed?"

The Doctor sat on the floor in the control room, staring into space. It was nearly nine o'clock. By now, he was sure Rose would have read the letter finally. The letter he'd intended her to read a year ago. When he thought it all over again, he had to admit that the whole thing had been a huge mistake, just like he'd suspected in the first place. He should have said all that he wanted to say to her face, all that time ago, rather than hiding it away like a guilty secret. Like a schoolboy. He was such an idiot. Rose had lived the last year believing a lie. How he wished he could erase the last year, begin all over again. You can. You've got the TARDIS. He ignored the devil in his mind. That would be wrong. That wasn't what the TARDIS was for.

The last twenty-four hours had been stressful. Well, that was an understatement. He'd just had his whole world turned upside down. He wasn't sure what had affected him the most. Seeing Rose again had been both wonderful and painful. She was the same girl he remembered. The moment he'd set eyes on her again, all those feelings had rushed back up to the surface and threatened to spill over and out. And yet at the same time, he found himself instantly seeing how she'd changed. Something inside her had collapsed and fallen in. She was the same on the outside, the same mannerisms, the same shape, the same voice. But she was just a shell, just going through the motions. She was hurting deep down inside like never before. And he'd done that to her. After all the times he'd vowed he'd never hurt her, would never let anything touch her. He'd sent her away to save her from pain and all he'd succeeded in doing was breaking her heart. What an idiot.

Then there was Tala. His daughter. He didn't even know how to start explaining that to himself. He'd thought it was impossible, that he could never be a father, and certainly not the father of a human child. Not possible. And yet there she was, a living breathing child, part of him and part of Rose. He wished he could understand what had happened when he saw her. As soon as Rose had mentioned their daughter, a million and one thoughts had crowded his head. Denials and protestations that this was a crazy idea. A thousand questions about how this had happened. Questions about who she was, what she was like. And then the feelings had kicked in. They'd all crowded in so much that, for a moment, he'd felt as weak as he did after he'd regenerated. He'd needed to hold onto something concrete and catch his breath. Even then, he'd found it hard to speak because he just didn't know what to say. And that was unusual for him.

Then he'd seen her and it was like he'd expected it. His brain had accepted it all suddenly, and it was though he'd known something. It felt like something had just slotted into place and that he could see the full picture. It was like putting on a pair of glasses and suddenly seeing the world for the first time. Seeing it properly and how it really was.

Footsteps down the corridor made him look up from his reverie. Holly was padding down softly in her beloved polar bear slippers. Her long hair was tied back in a pony tail, which swang merrily as she walked. She had her nose buried in a book and she was taken aback when she saw him there.

"Oh, I didn't know you were back," she said. She let her book drop. She was readingCasanova's The Story of My Life. A far cry from the bestsellers that Rose had tried – and usually failed – to read. She blinked several times and laughed self-consciously. "Ow. That'll teach me to try and read without my glasses on. Anyway, where've you been all day?" She glanced at the watch around her wrist. "You've been gone hours!" she exclaimed suddenly.

Holly was lovely, but a bit absent minded at times, especially when she had her nose in a book. He nodded. "I was busy."

"So? How did it go?"

"How did what go?"

Holly rolled her eyes expressively. "Dinner! With Rose!" When the Doctor looked up at her abruptly she grinned. "Oh come on, Doctor, give me some credit! You've been talking about a girl who travelled with you ever since I met you, you've never stopped."

"But I never said what her name was…"

"It doesn't take a genius to work it out!" Holly laughed. "The look on your face when you saw her… the look on her's… Rose is the girl you talk about, isn't she?"

The Doctor hesitated before nodding slowly.

"So? What happened?" Holly asked, sitting down next to him.

The Doctor shrugged.

"Oh come on!" Holly put a hand companionably on his knee and pushed him over playfully. "Since when have you been at a loss for words? You never stop normally!"

He took a deep breath. "I met my daughter."

Holly took her hand abruptly off his knee. She blinked several times, her dark eyelashes moving quickly. She looked away. He could virtually see her brain ticking over, sorting things out carefully and logically. He'd told Rose how alike she and Holly were but he'd forgotten how different they were too. Seeing Rose had made him completely forget about Holly's own personal quirks. Her logical mind was one of her best traits. Whilst Rose acted on instinct, often jumping in with both feet and then regretting it later, Holly would turn things over in her mind, seeing things from every angle and working out the best way forward. He was almost certain that, if Holly had been with him up on the Gamestation and he'd sent her away, then he would have died up there. Holly would have considered all the options and decided that he was probably right; things were hopeless. He wasn't sure which was the better option. At least Holly obeyed orders. In fact, sometimes, she even managed not to wander off.

Finally she spoke. "Oh. Right." There was a long pause. That was another thing; Holly was a lot more articulate than Rose, always choosing exactly the right words for the occasion rather than just blurting out the first thing that came into her head. If she went quiet like this, she must be searching for words. He let her continue struggling. He had nothing to say anyway.

"Is that even possible?" she said eventually, her usually flawless face crinkled up in a deep frown. "I mean, you're Galifreyan and she's human… isn't that sort of against the laws of nature?" She was blushing slightly as she spoke, her pale skin turning a nice shade of pink. She was pretty, he thought. Very pretty. Probably prettier than Rose if you only looked at the surface. It was just a shame he couldn't transfer some of his affections for Rose onto Holly.

He was glad Holly had asked that question. He'd been wondering that too. He thought he'd solved the problem, but he'd always found that sharing things with Holly was a good move. She was probably the most intelligent companion he'd ever had. She could no doubt help shed some light on the matter.

"I'd have thought that too," he agreed. "But I suppose me being half-human and all…"

"What?" Holly stared at him incredulously. "Since when?" She looked annoyed, like he'd deliberately lied to her. He felt a stab of guilt at upsetting someone yet again.

"Oh, since…. Forever," he said airily. "I suppose I always knew it was possible, but still…" He ran a hand through his hair. "She's three months old. Her name's Tala."

"She called her daughter Wolf?" Holly exclaimed.

"How did you…?" The Doctor looked at her frowning.

"I'm doing a course in Native American studies," Holly reminded him. Part of her was annoyed that he didn't remember even that much about her, but she let it go. "We've studied the meanings of names."

"Oh. Of course." He wondered if he ought to explain the whole Bad Wolf thing to Holly. Out of everything he'd told her (and he'd told her a lot since he'd brought her on board), he'd somehow neglected to mention how Rose had saved his life and almost destroyed her own in the process. He didn't know why. He supposed it was because that moment had been the turning point. It was when he started believing what his hearts were telling him; that he loved her and that he'd do anything to save her.

"It's a nice enough name," Holly said thoughtfully. "But I mean, wolf. It's hardly what you'd like your daughter to be thought of, is it?" She shook her head, wrinkling up her nose delicately. "No, I think that's a really odd choice." A second thought struck her. "What did you say her second name was?"

"Who, Rose? Tyler."

Holly almost fell off the step they were sitting on in horror. "Tala Tyler? Oh please no, you must be kidding me? I thought you said Rose was a nice girl! How cruel is she being to that poor child! Wolf Tyler? Tala Tyler? And I thought my parents hated me!"

"Holly's a nice name!"

"I'm named after a bush!" Holly cried. "I'm named after a prickly bush with poisonous berries that everyone forgets about until about December the twelfth when they cram it into every corner of the house! Try saying that's a nice name when you find yourself surrounded by fifteen seven-year-olds in the school playground, all chanting The Holly and the Ivy!" The outburst was unusual for her and she looked down at her hands self-consciously when she'd finished.

The Doctor looked at her. "I never knew you felt like that about your name."

"Yeah, well. You never asked." Holly shrugged. "It doesn't matter. But what about Rose?"

He sighed heavily. "Oh, it's all such a mess, Holls," he said wearily. "She never got that letter I wrote her."

Holly gasped. "You mean the one where you told her how much you loved her and why you were leaving her behind and how you never meant to hurt her? But why not?" After a perplexed look from him, she added, "You've deprived me of all my daytime soaps since I came on board; I have to find some excitement somewhere. So how comes she didn't get it?"

He shrugged. "She never opened her diary since she came back. Just left it under the bed. I don't know why, she said it… it hurt too much." He shook his head. "I knew it was a stupid idea. She's hated me for the last year for what I did. I don't blame her, I hate myself."

"Doctor!" Holly started to protest but he continued regardless.

"I should have had the guts to tell her what I was feeling without writing some stupid adolescent love letter." He sighed again and put his head in his hands.

Holly hesitated. She couldn't help a small smile spreading across her face. "You… you didn't write any poetry in it, did it?" she asked, giggles threatening to overtake her.

"No!" He lifted his head from his hands and looked at her. "What do you think I am, Holly, some kind of sad idiot who…" He tailed off as he saw the look of glee come over her face. "Oh, shut up!" He slapped her leg playfully as Holly burst into fits of giggles. That was another difference; Rose tended to guffaw with laughter whilst Holly had little girly giggles that were incredibly infectious. It felt quite nice to be able to laugh after the stress and trauma of the last few hours.

Finally Holly regained herself enough to speak again. She wiped away mascara tears carefully. "So… what now?"

"What do you mean, what now?"

"Well, you've got a daughter you didn't know about. Rose never knew about the letter. What happens next?"

The Doctor's shoulders slumped again as he remembered why they were sitting on the TARDIS floor. "I don't know. I want to do the right thing but I don't know what that is anymore." He looked to his friend. "What would you do?"

Holly had been chewing on her necklace thoughtfully. It was an interesting necklace, the Doctor had always thought; a fine silver chain with a locket, which had some sort of inscription on it. He'd never studied it enough to know exactly what it said, and he'd never asked. Maybe one day he should… As he spoke, she let the chain fall from her mouth. She looked taken aback.

"Me?" she squeaked in tones very different from her usual calm and soothing voice. Holly had a lovely voice usually; if he was feeling especially poetical, he'd describe it as caramel-like, rich and warm and sweet. Another contrast between her and Rose.

"What would I do?" She tried to regain her composure. "Um, I really don't know…" She put her head on one side, but she wasn't thinking. Her face wasn't calm enough for that, her lips were trembling noticeably and her eyelashes were rapidly fluttering. "I'd… I'd probably do whatever Rose wanted me to," she said finally, and she almost breathed a sigh of relief that it was over.

"Okay. So if you were Rose, what would you want me to do?"

Her pupils widened for a split second but he saw it. A deer caught in headlights. She moved a tiny way away from him, thinking he wouldn't notice. But of course he would. She pulled her hair band out and let her long dark hair cascade down over her shoulders. A sure sign she was nervous, playing with her hair. He hadn't seen her nervous that often; she was usually so poised and together. He wasn't sure exactly how she'd gained that elegance, that calm detachedness from all difficult situations. He'd never asked. Maybe he should one day…

"If I was Rose," she said thoughtfully, running her right hand through the whole length of her hair. She shook it back, stalling for time. "That's a tough one. If I was Rose, I'd…" She hesitated. "If I was Rose I'd want you to take me in your arms and tell me that everything in the letter is still true. I'd want you to tell me everything will be alright. I'd want you to be the best father in the world to my little girl and take care of us both. I'd want you to love me." She seemed surprised to have said all of that and stood up awkwardly, as if coming out of a dream.

The Doctor was impressed. "That's good. That's really good. When did you get so good at that kind of thing? Are you doing a course in psychology too?"

Holly smiled, but it didn't really meet her eyes. Her grey eyes always looked sad to most people, but they looked painfully distressed now. "No. I think I just know how Rose feels."

He frowned. "How do you mean?"

Holly bit her lip before continuing. It was the first time he'd ever seen her really taken aback or hesitant in anyway. She looked much younger than usual suddenly, like some sort of anxious confused teenager. She was usually so much more mature than her eighteen years. When she spoke, her voice had a catch in it, breaking through the usually creamy tones; a bitterness and restrained anger.

"I never had a chance, did I, Doctor?" she said softly. "Not while you still kept her room like a shrine to her, not even letting me see it once in case I disturbed anything. I'll never be able to compete with her, will I?"

The Doctor rose to his feet. Both hearts were beating, like a military tattoo, or a samba… so fast he could have danced to it if he'd been that way inclined. What was Holly saying? Like you don't already know…

"No, it's fine." Holly held out a hand, like she could stop him coming any further like that. "I'm fine. I've had to be. Because you're in love with Rose. I get it." She backed away slowly. "It's not your fault. I just need some time." She turned round, her long hair spinning as she did. She walked away down the corridor, her back still straight as a poker and her shoulders firmly back.

"Holly! Holly, wait!" he called after her. She didn't even flinch. He turned around, one hand automatically moving to his pocket and the other rubbing the back of his head. He sighed. "Oh, Holly, you've even left your book," he said sadly to himself, picking it up. She was nearly finished with it. He looked at the front cover. There he was, Giacomo Casanova himself.

"I suppose you had this kind of thing happen to you all the time," he sighed heavily. He sat back down. This was a huge mess. A huge huge mess. One he should have seen coming. How could you be the Doctor, a Time Lord, possessing infinite knowledge and not be aware that a young attractive girl in your spaceship was falling for you? How could you not notice twice? Maybe he really was getting old.

He genuinely hadn't noticed anything going on with Holly. She had been in the wrong place at the wrong time when he'd had to save the world yet again. And there she was, wandering alone along the streets of Oxford. Something about her had caught his attention. She was pretty, he'd even go so far to say beautiful, but there were a lot of women like that in the world, in the universe. No, it was something else. It was the way she walked so calmly, the way she held her head. There was an intelligent air about her, as she looked around at the scenes of destruction around her; there was fear, of course, but she was overcoming that fear and thinking things through. And when he looked directly into her eyes he saw something that he needed: a friend. For some reason he'd found Holly easy to talk to. He'd told her everything, about Rose and the mistakes he'd made. After nine months just spinning through space, alone and lonely, he needed some company to rescue him from his thoughts. He'd never seen Holly as anything more than a friend, a best friend to chase away the demons in his mind. Now he found she'd seen him as more, something so much more. How could he have been expected to know that?

Not that he'd ever realized with Rose either. He'd suspected. The odd remark here and there. Saving his life. But he'd never known until that one night when they'd found comfort in each other… the night before he sent her away.

"Oh Rose," he said softly, looking into the vortex. "What have I done?"

Rose pushed the pushchair along the bumpy cobbles. Trust him to park the TARDIS in one of the most inaccessible places in London, she thought grimly, as she negotiated a large pot hole. There it was, the familiar blue box. She looked a bit worn around the ages, Rose thought, as she looked at her. He wasn't taking very good care of her either.

Rose glanced down at her outfit. It was the first day the sun had shone in weeks and she was already hot in her jeans and t-shirt, but she hadn't bought any new clothes in months. At least her hair was freshly washed, and she'd covered up her puffy eyes with some of her mum's much appreciated eye cream. She almost looked human, she decided.

She'd re-read the letter five times over night. Each time she'd cried more. She wasn't sure what upset her most. He'd wasted so much time, they both had, in never declaring their feelings for each other. If only she'd opened that stupid diary months ago. But what was upsetting her most was the realization that she'd done it; after all that talk, she'd let him back in again and had fallen for him just like before.

She was about to knock on the door of the TARDIS when she saw someone running towards her. Instinctively she prepared to run. She was amazed by her reflexes; some habits really did die hard. As the figure neared she realized that she was wearing a pair of jogging bottoms and a vest top. Her brown hair was tied back in a high pony tail and she had an mp3 player on. As she got closer still, Rose felt a jolt of recognition. It was the girl who had been in her living room three nights ago. Holly.

Holly noticed her finally and slowed down. She took her earphones out and switched the mp3 player off. Not before Rose heard a blast of The Vengaboys… he was right, she did have appalling taste in music.

"Hi." Holly spoke first. She hesitated before sticking her hand out. "I'm Holly."

"Yeah, I remember," Rose accepted her hand. It was perfectly manicured. She tried not to begrudge her that. "Rose."

"I know." Holly nodded. She caught sight of the pushchair. "And this must be Tala!" She crouched down to look at her. "Oh, she's lovely! Got her daddy's eyes, hasn't she?"

Rose was a little taken aback. "He told you…?"

Holly stood up. "Yeah. He mentioned it…" She bit her lip. "He just needed someone to talk to, Rose, a friend," she blurted out to her own surprise. She never blurted things out normally. She recollected her thoughts for a moment. "Would you like to come in?" she offered, opening the door on the TARDIS. "I'm sure the Doctor's around somewhere. Probably doing his…"

"Exercises," Rose completed the sentence for her. She smiled at the other girl. "Does he still start the day with the Boo Radleys?"

Holly laughed and rolled her eyes. "Every morning! Why do you think I go for a run?"

Once in the control room, Holly wandered over to one of the corridors. Rose recognized it as the one the Doctor's bedroom was down.

"Doctor?" Holly called. They could hear faint strains of music coming down the hall. Holly shook her head, smiling. "I take it he's still tied up then." She decided to play hostess. "Sit down if you like. I can get you a chair…"

"No, it's fine," Rose insisted. Tala was fast asleep. Leaving the pushchair, Rose looked around. "It's still the same," she remarked. "Since I left, I mean. He hasn't changed much."

"Really?" Holly said lightly. She leaned casually on the control panel. "He's always tinkering around with something or other. I suppose the exterior might not have changed though." She stretched. "It's nice the sun's out now, isn't it? Has it been raining a lot lately?"

Rose nodded. "Quite a bit." She noticed the girl's tan again as Holly stretched. "Have you been somewhere nice?"

"What? Oh just this planet place." Holly shrugged. "It was nice."

Rose didn't want to appear too desperate for information. She nodded as she ran her finger along the control panel. "Oh right. Must be nice to get away from… where is it you come from? Oxford?"

Holly smiled. "Sort of. I go to university there. Or I did. I haven't really decided yet."

"Oh I see." Rose smiled as pleasantly as she could back. "So where's home then?"

Holly's smile froze onto her face. She shrugged and forced a laugh. "Oh you know. Anyway, I'll just see if the Doctor's ready yet." She headed down the corridor. Rose noted her upright posture.

The control room. It still looked the same and smelt the same. She walked round the central panel, looking at the vortex. That, of course, never looked the same, but there was something familiar about the colours and patterns it made. That vortex was proof that something beautiful could kill you, Rose thought, as she looked at it, entranced by the movements it made. She was still hazy about that time up on the Gamestation. She was fairly sure what she'd done hadn't been good; she'd felt pretty rough for a few days. The Doctor had said that she'd looked into the time vortex and that he'd taken it out of her. But he'd never explained how. As she looked at it now, she wished she could tap into that part of her memory.

"Rose!" She jumped as that familiar voice greeted her from behind. She turned round quickly, forcing a smile on her face. Holly was behind him, but she slipped away silently, a look of sadness on her face.

"Hi," Rose greeted him. "I was just looking at…"

"The vortex." He nodded. "What do you think of the changes?" He gestured around the room.

Rose looked around, wondering if he'd painting some upper area of the room. No, nothing. She turned to look at him again, raising her eyebrows expectantly.

"Oh come on!" he said, looking disappointed. "I've upgraded the spatio-temporal cylinder and replaced the hyper-metric lever and…" He tailed off. "You're not interested, are you?"

"Not in the slightest." Rose shook her head. "Is Holly interested in this kind of thing?"

"What? Oh. Holly." He scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I don't know really, I've never asked."

A silence fell, broken only by the humming of the TARDIS and, far away in the recesses of the ship, the sound of Because we want to. The Doctor winced.

"I said she had bad taste in music."

Rose bit her lip before blurting out what she had to say. "I read the letter."

The Doctor had been expecting it and yet he was still surprised when it came. "Oh. Oh right."

"Yeah. Five times actually."

"Five? Oh it wasn't that good!" He tried to make a joke about it. "Just some stupid ramblings of a tired Time Lord. I should have ripped it up really."

Rose was momentarily taken aback. "Oh. I see. So you didn't mean those things then?"

"What things?" He faked ignorance.

"Oh, just you know." Rose shrugged. She was embarrassed now. What if it really had all meant nothing to him? After all, he'd only said he'd written a letter. Maybe he'd only written it all to be nice to her, make her feel better. But that would surely mean he cared for her…? Her head hurt from turning it over and over in her mind. She just wanted to know.

"No, I can't remember really," the Doctor insisted. "Which bits are you on about?"

Rose looked down at the floor. "Well, you know, the bits where you said it wasn't my fault, and that… that you love me." The last few words were mumbled. She shook her head briskly. "But it doesn't matter, you know…"

"Would you like them to be true?"

It was said so suddenly that Rose didn't have time to think up a lie. More to the point, she didn't want to.

Without hesitation she answered, "Yes."

They met each others eyes for the first time. Both were shiny and glassy with tears.

"Really?" The Doctor's voice was soft and almost hoarse.

Rose nodded.

He moved towards her. "Rose, I'm so so sorry for what I did. That letter, every word, I meant it. I still do. You, Rose Tyler, you're everything to me." He reached out to touch her and they found themselves suddenly in each other's arms.

"I'm so glad I found you again," the Doctor said into her t-shirt, damp with his tears. "I've been so unhappy, Rose. Like you wouldn't believe."

"I've hardly been delirious." Rose half-laughed, half-cried into his jacket. She lifted her head off his shoulder, and rubbed the wet patch on the suit. "I thought you hated me."

"I could never hate you, Rose," he said softly, tracing the outline of her face with a finger. "How could I after everything you've given me? You made me feel at home for the first time in my life. I don't ever want to lose you again."

"You're the one who misplaced me," she pointed out, smiling gently. She touched her nose against his. "We've wasted so much time."

"Not any more."

"So how's this going to work exactly?"

Holly spoke after a long deliberation, lying on the Doctor's bed as he tried out a million different hair styles.

"What do you mean?" he asked, as he messed it all up again, grimacing. "You know, my hair looks a lot better untidy, I really wish she'd accept that!"

"Well, you and Rose." Holly chose her words carefully. "You're going round to her mum's now to what, ask for her hand in marriage?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the Doctor. "No! Marriage?" He looked horrified. "I'm just going round to spend some time with Tala!"

"So you're not marrying Rose?"

"No!"

"Not ever?"

"Well, not in the foreseeable future!" He looked harassed and fiddled with his collar awkwardly. "Why all the questions anyway?"

"I'm just wondering if you've thought this through!" Holly insisted. "Does Rose know how you feel about marriage?"

"I don't know, probably not!" The Doctor looked annoyed. "We've only just realized how the other one feels, give us some time!"

"But don't you think she should know?"

"Holly, what is this?" He turned to face her. "What's wrong with you tonight?"

"Nothing." Holly looked down at the blue pinstripe duvet cover and traced the lines with a finger. "I just…"
"You just what?"

"Well, after tonight, what happens? Are you and Rose going to get a nice semi-detatched house in the suburbs and live happily ever after with Tala and two dogs?"

The Doctor shrugged, frowning. "I don't know. I hope not."

"Why do you hope not?"

"Well, I've never really seen myself as settling anywhere if you know what I mean." The Doctor pondered the suggestion. "This is kind of my life. Doing this." He gestured at the TARDIS in general.

Holly had suspected as much. In a soft voice she said, "And what about Rose?"

The Doctor frowned. "Well, she can come too. She knows how much this life means to me, she loves it too. She'll fit right into it again."

"And Tala?"

With those two words, the Doctor felt a rushing in his ears as he realized what Holly was getting at. She was a very intelligent girl; she'd figured it all out before he had. Tala. His daughter. The only family he had left in the world. The last remaining drop (apart from him of course) of Gallifreyan blood in the universe. The galaxy. All the galaxies put together. Tala was it, she was the final one. That tiny baby. How could he take her out into the world, and keep living the life he did? How could he put her in danger day in and day out?

He met Holly's eyes slowly. She saw the recognition in his and slipped off the bed slowly. She reached his bedroom door and paused.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," she said softly. "I just thought you ought to know."

Lyrics from Backstreet Boys' "Show me the meaning of being lonely". And no, I don't think liking Billie shows that Holly has bad taste in music AT ALL!