Thanks for the reviews again! I've added some ideas onto my profile page for stories that I'm either part way through writing, or considering writing, so if anyone would be interested in them, let me know! This chapter is a bit confusing timewise... the first section about Rose is set five years later than the last chapter, whilst the second section about the Doctor and Holly is set directly after the last chapter. I wanted them this way round because it fit the lyrics of the song and because I wanted to end the chapter like I did.
"Don't you know you've got your daddy's eyes?"
Rose was on the phone when the implication of the date struck her. She'd been looking for a pen to write down the appointment she was being given by the dentist.
"Hold on one second," she said, reaching for the calendar. "You're saying what date, sorry?"
"The twenty-second," the receptionist repeated for at least the third time. "At two-thirty? Will that be alright?"
"Sorry, what day are we on today?" Rose tried to think if that would be suitable. If it was a Tuesday, she'd have to beg her mum to take Tala; she worked on Tuesday afternoons, and Jackie usually picked her up from school. Her mum had a thing about dentists.
The receptionist sounded annoyed as she replied, "It's the fourteenth today, Monday the fourteenth of May. The twenty-second is a…"
Rose interrupted her. "That'll be fine, thanks," she agreed in a strangled voice, desperate to put the phone down. "Thank you." She replaced the receiver heavily, and looked at the calendar in disbelief. No way. How had it come around so soon? It couldn't be the fourteenth of May, she'd have known. How could she have forgotten?
It had been five years since she'd seen him. Sometimes she could hardly believe that all that time had passed. Then she'd look in the mirror and realise that it had. She was twenty-five. Tala was five. Her darling baby girl was at school full-time.
As she walked distractedly around the flat, Rose caught sight of the dozens of photos her mum had framed on one table. There was a picture of everyone there; her dad, Tala, herself, even Mickey, even after all this time. But none of him. She picked up the most recent photo of herself and Tala. It had been Tala's fifth birthday. Her dark golden blonde hair was pulled back into two bunches and she was wearing her favourite pink party dress. She'd looked like a little princess. Rose couldn't help smiling as she remembered the amount of chocolate ice cream that girl had managed to get onto the dress, and how she'd wailed when Rose had lost her temper.
"Tala, that was very naughty!" she'd snapped, as she took the dress off her. "I said this would happen, I'd say you'd tip it if you didn't use a table! This dress is ruined, I doubt I'll be able to get it clean!"
Rose still wasn't sure if it was the fact that she was being told off, or the thought of her beloved pink dress being beyond repair that had made Tala cry the loudest. Jackie had worked wonders with it, muttering about how like mother like daughter it was and the like. Rose had taken Tala to bed and they'd made up with hugs and kisses under the duvet.
She was an unusual looking girl really, with the blonde hair and dark brown eyes. Those eyes… Rose could never get enough of looking into her daughter's eyes. They were the same colour and had the same mischevious look as the Doctor's did. She'd tried explaining that to Tala again only last week. She'd come home from school, her hand firmly in Rose's as they crossed the road, but there was none of the usual bounce in her step. Rose had been distracted as they walked home, thinking about what they had in the freezer. It was only when they were sitting down to eat that Rose noticed how quiet her daughter actually was.
"Did you have a nice day at school?" she asked, stabbing a fishfinger with her fork.
Tala shrugged.
Rose frowned. Normally she was full of it, talking about what she'd done, with whom and then what had happened. She was way ahead of everyone in her year for that kind of thing. She supposed she had to expect that the daughter of Time Lord would be pretty advanced for her age.
"Are you okay, sweetie?" she asked now, putting her knife and fork down. "Did something happen at school?"
Tala shrugged again. Rose really hoped that being part Galifreyan didn't mean that she'd turn into a teenager before she'd even started junior school.
"Tala, if something's wrong, you have to tell me," she said softly, reaching out to ruffle her daughter's hair. Tala slid off her own chair and climbed onto Rose's lap. Rose put her arms around her. "What's up, Tallybean?" she said into her hair.
"Josh said my name was funny," Tala mumbled into her mum's t-shirt.
Rose sighed inwardly. Josh Reed was fast becoming the school bully. Just like his dad before him, she thought more than a bit angrily as she remembered suffering at Luke Reed's hands back when she was at primary school.
"Oh, Tala, we've been through this before," she reminded her. "You've got a beautiful name, its special. Josh is just jealous because he wishes he had a name like yours." She couldn't help feeling she was sounding like a stuck record. This was at least the third time in as many weeks she'd tried to explain all this to her. The truth was, that maybe Jackie was right; maybe Tala Tyler was a damned stupid name. But what other choice was there? When Mrs Hewson had read that name out one day, something had sounded right. Even before Rose knew what it meant, she wanted that name, knew that no other name would ever do for her daughter. Something inside her had said that it was right. And as for Tyler… well, there was no other option on that front.
"So are we agreed then?" Rose asked gently. "That you're not going to listen to what Josh says anymore?"
Tala shrugged.
"Has he said anything else?" She really would have to give Luke Reed a piece of her mind one day soon.
Tala nodded, her bottom lip quivering dangerously. Rose hated it when she started doing that. It ripped her apart to see her daughter upset.
"What did he say, Tala?"
"He said… he said I looked funny."
That again. Rose was getting very tired with Josh's repetitive ways of torturing Tala. He was only five, but surely even five-year-olds had some imagination.
"And you know what I've told you to say," Rose played with Tala's hair as she spoke. "You've got your daddy's eyes, Tala, and my hair, you poor thing," she teased her. "What's odd about that? Why didn't you just say that?"
"I did. He said…" Tala suddenly stopped. Rose's eyes flickered over her face quickly, looking for any sign. Especially in the eyes, he'd always given himself away by the eyes.
"What did he say?" Rose asked, her voice low, almost sensing what Tala was going to say before she spoke. But surely no child was that cruel, surely…
"He said I hadn't got a daddy."
A fierce bolt of anger shot through Rose. It came from a place she'd almost forgotten about, buried a long way back, before Tala, before the Doctor. It was like unearthing something prehistoric, buried under layers of hurt and anger and betrayal. She had a sudden fleeting vision of Luke Reed saying the exact same thing all those years back. Rose Tyler hasn't got a daddy! She could feel the burning tears she'd felt back then, and the way she'd tried to hide them by pulling her jumper over her head in the pretence of taking it off. She'd never told her mum; she always knew it would upset her too much. Even in the first few years of her life, Rose had known that talking of her dad would make her mum sad. Things like Christmas and birthdays had made Jackie quieter, less able to cope with the world. As time had gone on, she'd become more accustomed to everything without her husband, but even now, Rose knew, it would upset her to spend prolonged periods talking about Pete.
In Tala's face, Rose had seen those exact emotions she'd once felt deep inside. That she was upset and felt humiliated in front of her friends, but that she was too scared to tell her mum for fear of upsetting her too. What was she doing to her daughter? Rose remembered the way she used to rock Tala to sleep at night, telling her stories of her father and sometimes being unable to blink back the tears, and letting them fall onto the baby. Black drops staining her clothes. I wanted so much better for you, sweetheart, I wanted everything to be different this time around. I didn't have a daddy either. And I so wanted you to have one. But you haven't. And I'm so sorry. So so sorry. Had Tala somehow known what she was saying, realised that her mummy was upset?
"Oh Tala," Rose said sadly, hugging her daughter closer to her. "Sweetheart, you have got a daddy, of course you have."
"But not like other people. Not like Lucy. Or Josh."
No, not like Lucy, Tala's current hero. Lucy's daddy worked in a bank in the City and earned six-figure bonuses. He'd taken Lucy and her two brothers to the Bahamas last summer, and Lucy had seen dolphins. This year they were going to DisneyLand. Lucy's daddy turned up to every parents event that was held. Rose couldn't help hating Lucy's mummy. And as for Josh… no, Tala certainly didn't have a daddy like Luke Reed.
"No, you haven't," Rose said slowly, wondering how she was going to get through all this without crying herself. She bit her tongue firmly, telling herself that she'd have to; this wasn't about her anymore, this was about Tala. "You've got a better daddy. Your daddy is an amazing man, Tala. He… Tala, you wouldn't believe the things he's seen, the things he's done. Your daddy has saved the world so many times."
Tala's thumb moved into her mouth instinctively, and Rose was so taken up with her tale that she didn't even knock it away as she usually did. She did hope that Jackie wouldn't come in, though, otherwise she'd get a fifteen minute lecture on how thumb-sucking would lead to orthadonture.
"Your daddy doesn't do things like Lucy or Josh's daddies do because he's got more important things to do. He's busy saving worlds, or seeing stars or looking after people."
"Like a doctor?" Tala asked, her voice slightly indistinct because of her thumb.
Rose smiled at her. "Yes. Just like a doctor."
"Doctors are good." Tala nodded her approval. She'd been to see her doctor, Dr. Stickings, only last week, and had been rewarded for being a good girl with a lollipop. Rose suspected that her daughter judged goodness on the scale of how many sweets a person gave out rather than their intrinsic qualities, but sometimes children judged things right.
"Yes. And so's your daddy. And you've got eyes just like him, Tala Tyler. So how special must you be?"
Tala didn't reply but snuggled happily into her mum's hug.
"Daddy was an alcoholic."
After Rose stepped out of the TARDIS, the door shutting for a final time, silence had reigned supreme for a few moments. It was unusual for both the Doctor and Holly to find themselves uneasy in each other's company, but suddenly something seemed wrong. Neither could say what it was exactly, but deep down they could feel it.
Finally, the Doctor felt he had to say something. The silence couldn't go on indefinitely.
"Right," he said, forcing his voice to sound normal and upbeat. "So where are we off to now?"
Holly's eyes flickered over to him. "You don't have to pretend, you know."
He smiled, looking round as if he hadn't understood her meaning. "Who's pretending?" He stepped forwards to the TARDIS and pressed a few buttons. "Now. Where do you want to go? No, don't tell me! Let me guess! You want me to get us to the Royal wedding in time for tea, don't you?" He punched a few figures into control panel. "Well, your wish I suppose…"
"No wait." Holly shook her head. "I don't want to go there anymore."
"Oh good." He grinned. "So where then? Past? Future? This planet, another planet, another galaxy? You want to go back in time, I know you do!" She always did; Holly had never requested to go to the future. "You want to go back to…"
"I want you to take me back."
He paused, momentarily confused, the grin stuck to his face. "What? Take you back where?"
Holly looked down at the floor for a second, gathering her courage to continue. She looked up again. "I want you to take me back to the day you met me. And leave me there."
The Doctor's grin fell by degrees. Holly could feel ever nerve in her body wanting to take it back, to make him feel better. But not this time. This time she had to mean it.
"No. Holly, no. No, I won't let you go, no, no, no, no, NO!" He launched himself across the control room, catching her hands. "Holly, you can't just go! Go back to what? Studying at Oxford, slaving away all day, getting some stupid meaningless piece of paper saying you're intelligent when I know you already are! Get a job, a husband, a mortgage, a house, kids, a dog and a Volvo estate in the Home counties somewhere! Holly, just think for a moment about that!"
Holly's face remained fixed while he spoke, her eyes glazing over. When he paused for breath she took her chance. "What am I studying at Oxford, Doctor?"
He was utterly thrown. He was sure she'd mentioned this before, sure he had heard her say something. A course in… oh what in the name of Galifrey was it?
Holly nodded after waiting a long time. "Yeah. Exactly." She pulled away from the Doctor and walked towards her room.
The Doctor landed the TARDIS sadly down in the old place. Usually he let the old girl manage herself, she did so much better on her own. But sometimes, when he was confused, or upset or just needed something to take his mind off a problem, he enjoyed steering his ship into harbour, so to speak. He actually couldn't remember the last time he'd done it. But with Holly still packing, or at least, sitting in her room avoiding him, he didn't have anything else to do. He needed to stop that voice in his head, which kept asking the questions he didn't want to or couldn't answer. So what now? What now you've lost them both? What are you going to do Time Lord now that you're all alone?
They'd landed. The Doctor moved to go and get Holly, but he already hear her footsteps as he turned round and when he looked, she was there, with her two bags and fully dressed for mid-December in England.
"So. You're all ready then?" he said redundantly. "All set. Ready for the off."
"Looks like it," Holly agreed.
There was a long pause.
"Don't go."
"I have to."
"No you don't!" The Doctor knew he sounded desperate, but he felt it. "Holly, what reason have you got for leaving?"
"I just think it's time," Holly said patiently. She sounded like she was talking to a small child, placating their whining. "Time to go home." She smiled. "Well, aren't you going to at least say goodbye?"
"Oh, Holls." The Doctor sighed wearily and hugged her tightly. "I'm never going to get used to saying goodbye to my friends you know? I wish you'd all stop doing this."
"I know," Holly agreed, hugging him back. "But there'll be others, won't there? There always are." There was a sad sense of truth in her words.
Holding her at arms length, the Doctor looked at her one last time.
"What are you doing, learning me by heart?" she teased, quoting a film they'd once watched together which he hadn't been able to resist crying at.
"No. I know you by heart," he said back, smiling sadly.
"I'm not that sure you do," Holly replied equally as sadly. She smiled. "Goodbye Doctor."
He hated saying goodbye to someone else so soon after Rose. "Goodbye Holly."
She picked up her bags and walked towards the door and out into the winter afternoon sunshine. The door shut behind her and the Doctor was alone. Again.
He'd found the envelope tucked into his bed. Creamy parchment paper. That familiar swirly handwriting. She'd left him a letter.
Dear Doctor,
I'm sorry for doing this to you. I'm sure right now you're pretty angry with me for abandoning you just when you need a friend the most. The last few days have been hard on us both. Seeing Rose again was a shock to you, and finding Tala was another one, but it wasn't exactly fun for me either. I hate to be writing this kind of letter; I don't want to seem petty, writing down the things that I never made the effort to say before. But I just wanted you to know why I'm doing this now.
First of all, a bit about me, Holly Johnson. You know I started at Oxford University in October 2007. I'm studying Ancient and Modern History. One day I want to make a discovery to rock the foundations of historical knowledge as we know it. Well, I guess you've helped me achieve that in some ways.
I come from a small town in Kent called Midlocester. Not many people live there, and those that do know everybody. I mean, everybody. You can't move there without it sending ripples of twitching net curtains across all the streets. Ever since I can remember I wanted to get out of that place. It was all too claustrophobic, too stifling for me. I like fading into the background, as you know. I like being the ideas person, behind the scenes. But being Holly Johnson in Midlocester meant being part of the greatest show on earth.
My dad was an alcoholic. He started drinking before I was even born, when my mum had post-natal depression after my brother Charlie was born. Alcoholics are supposed to be violent and unruly, but my father wasn't. He was always kind and considerate. For many years, I didn't even realize what the smell that clung around Daddy was, until a boy at school began saying what his mother had told his next-door neighbour. That Richard Johnson was a drunken fool who had spent all the family allowance and that was why Holly Johnson had to wear second-hand school uniform.
Maybe my father would just have been a run of the mill addict, who was the subject of much town gossip but relatively harmless to all but his nearest and dearest. That is, if he hadn't have run that little boy over, barely eight years old and with his whole life ahead of him. At fifteen, I was Holly Johnson, daughter of a drink-driver convicted for manslaughter and sentenced to five years. From feeling my ears burning every day of my life, and being forced to ignore the whispers behind my back, I now had to learn to ignore the threats and the in-my-face insults. I had to get away from there.
Oxford was my escape. There I envisaged endless parties, finding new friends who would listen to me and take me for who I was, not who my father was, or what he had done. I even dared to hope I could leave the past behind. But, as I am sure you are well aware now, Doctor, the past will never leave you alone. Within a month of starting at Oxford, my secret was out and I was the stared at girl again. Night after night, I found myself sitting in my room alone, whilst my flat-mates were out living the life I wanted. Oxford wasn't far enough away from my problems.
But you… you were the ultimate ticket away from my life. How can the past catch up with you when it hasn't happened yet? You gave me the power to go back before my father had killed that boy, before he'd started drinking, before he was born. That's why I always wanted to go back, Doctor. To run away.
You once said that a wise woman once told you that life isn't always about running from things. I think I know who that wise woman is now. And she's right. These last few days have shown me how, no matter how far you run, or where to, you can never escape your past. I ran away to find a new home, and what have I found? I've found another home, but not mine. This ship, this beautiful unique ship, and the man I've learnt to love with all my heart and soul… this isn't my home. Because he doesn't love me back and never can. This is someone else's home, another girl's, another child's. I need to go back and find my own home.
Thank you for choosing for me, for taking me places I will never forget and could never have imagined in my wildest dreams. Please don't think I hate you; I couldn't. Not ever. Being with you has been the best experience of my life; for at least a few short months I have been me, the real me.
And as for what I'll do next, who knows? You asked if I wanted to finish studying at Oxford, slaving away all day, to get some stupid meaningless piece of paper saying I'm intelligent. You wanted to know if what I wanted from life was to get a job, a husband, a mortgage, a house, kids, a dog and a Volvo estate in the Home Counties somewhere. And you know what? That's exactly what I want.
And what about you? What should you do? I know when you're reading this you'll be lying on your bed, wondering just that. What does the Last Time Lord do when he's left all alone again? Well, I think you know the answer. Or at least, I hope you do. When the Last Time Lord is left all alone again, he should do the only thing he can do; he should go to his family. You'll know what to do when you get there.
Thank you, Doctor. Goodbye and good luck. I'll miss you.
Holly xxx
He lay back on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He exhaled slowly.
"Bye Holly," he said into the room. "I'll do it. Thank you."
Lyrics from "Alcoholic" by Starsailor