Artemis Fowl Fan Fiction Academy

By the embarrassed and disposed Spectra16

A/N: I was sad one day, and decided that this story I wrote . . . Two years ago, needed revisions and new jokes. The whole point of this story is to get my crazy, random nature back into my diet. Ever since my fan fic (crossover) A Dreadful Convenient Crossover and the Prisoner of the Artic Incident, I've been "cured" (says Mr. Monarski) of my random writing nature. Unfortunately, I need to devise a way to get it back. So, here's my first attempt. Wish me luck.

Disclaimer: I own a three pack of Reeces, an incense box, an Essential Russian book, Leopard print slippers, and a crushed spirit. But I do not own Artemis Fowl. I'm pretty sure Noah Toodoo or Dave Wolverton owns Artemis Fowl. Oh wait, no, Eoin Colfer does. By the by, for you Irish impaired folk, Eoin is pronounced "Owen". (Yes, Spectra16 exists to help those ignorant Americans who want it. I know, I work too hard. . .)

Warning: This story contains pen names from two years ago. There's some classics in here (Kitty Rainbow, Blue Yeti, BFW, Nyghtvision, Bloody Dead Rose, and everyone's favorite reviewer, slimefrog)

Warning 2: This is not exactly the same as my original Artemis Fowl Fan Fiction Academy story. In fact, it will be a satire of it. Put on your seat belts, kitties. This is gonna be a bloody ride.

WARNING 3/Disclaimer: I do not own references to Detention from Hell, Indiana Jones, Artemis Fowl and the Ivory Files, Harry Potter (in general),

Public Service Announcement: If you would like your name in this story (since it's only fair), just ask and I'll search your bio for interesting things can I can bring up while using your pen name. I did that for the original, so I guess I might as well add the fan fic writer's of today in.

-.-.-.-.-

Chapter One: Something Fishy Is Going Down (Caviar, anyone?)

Suddenly, in a flash of light that can only be known as a fantastic phenom, random AF fandom writers are transported to a strange, private school with a view. As American as this may sound, the place looked quite expensive and prep-like. It was as if someone wrote a crossover with Harry Potter, 90210, and Degrassi Junior High. In any case, there were some frantic people running amok. And for some reason, everyone could only remember their pen names and their lives as fan fic writers. There was great confusion in the masses, but there was one who was able to keep her head about her, because she was used to such randomness.

"I love fan fiction. It is my favorite thing. I also like emo boys kissing. Is that wrong?" A short girl bounced up and down in her chair, seeming to be talking to no one. This was not the girl I was talking about earlier. No, our protagonist is our very own demented author named Spectra16. There's much controversy over why she chose this pen name, but at least she doesn't change it every week and seriously confuse the people who added her name to their favorites list and try to find her once in a while. Spectra16 sat very straight up in her chair, waiting for the new class to begin. She looked out of the window and saw a very strange spectacle. There was a large flock of flamingos outside, seeming to be standing on one leg, and sleeping. Spectra16 had an intense fear of flamingos, so her first reaction was to panic.

A few moments before the panic, a relatively handsome man with a strange hat walked into the classroom. The students immediately settled down at the sight of him. He wore a strange outfit, like a college professor would wear in the seventies. But as you know, this is 2006, so his fashion was about 36 years late. Everyone's initial reaction was to laugh, but he spoke to soon.

"Hello children, I am your professor, Professor Jones," Just as the man had spoke these words, and old fellow with an odd safari hat ripped the classroom door open.

"Junior!" He spoke with a strong, Scottish, deep accent. Everyone watched this strange occurrence in silence. "There's an archeologist expedition in deep Tunisia! We must go! Let's hurry!"

"Not now, dad. Can't you see I'm trying to teach my class?" He muttered to the man who had practically knocked the door off of it's hinges.

"You don't understand! It's Balmung. . .," The man said gravely. The professor looked angry know.

"Oh no. Not the sword of Bulmung, hidden in the Burgundian ruins for a thousand years, only to come back to reign upon the world with a vengeance to empower the Ostrogoths," Professor Jones muttered angrily. The class was quite confused, but they were like, "Go! Go! Find the thing! Save the world! We'll be here when you get back! We'll be at the bar or the speak easy or whatever we've got here."

Professor Jones left in a hurry with his Henry Jones Senior. Spectra16 had almost forgot about the flamingos and the panic, but her panic was yet postponed. A large, burly, bald man stormed into the classroom.

"I'm sorry children, for my lateness. My name is Mr. Butler, and I will be your PE teacher," Butler said. Spectra16 rose her hand slowly.

"Yes?"

"Can we please shut the blinds?" Spectra16 meekly requested. He rose an eyebrow.

"Are you mocking me?" He asked. Spectra16 sunk in her chair.

"No."

"Alright. Anyways, we will be meeting in this room everyday before going to the gym to do intensive training. This is baby school anymore! You're in my house now!" Butler seemed to be getting ridiculous. Another girl rose her hand.

"Yes?"

"I have to use the little girl's room," She said sweetly. Butler's nose twitched.

"HOLD IT!"

Another girl rose her hand.

"Yes?" Butler's voice quivered with annoyance.

"You have the same name and same mean demeanor as someone in one of my favorite books!" She chirped. Butler gritted his teeth.

"Do I? Well, NO MORE QUESTIONS! We're hittin' the gym! Here are your work out sheets," Butler passed out a large stack of papers. He leaned over Spectra16's desk, and she noticed a large ball hanging in his tucked shirt.

"Sir, is that an iron cosh in your shirt?" Spectra16 asked. Butler looked down and realized that it was quite visible.

"Why yes," He said and moved on. Spectra16 looked at the work out sheet and found it most intimidating.

This week, we will be learning the basics in efficient self defense. You will learn how to break someone's wrist, shins, and spleen. All of the techniques are meant for highly trained combat agents, so please, do not use them on your fellow students. Please sign your life on this dotted line. You will also be doing some intense conditioning. 70 pull ups, 500 lb. bench pressing, and running 2000 yards will be required each day.

Several girls in the class started crying as they looked at the list (a few guys too, although we all know fandom is over taken by females). Butler quickly handed out tissues to the hysterical girls in the class.

"Alright troop! Let's go!" Butler ran out of the room, as if he was expecting the rest of the class to follow.

-.-.-

Spectra16 overheard a strange conversation in the hallway.

"So I was like looking for like my favorite conditioner in like my bag but like . . . It wasn't there. I don't know what like I'm going to like do about like it. Like, I'm not sure if I'll like survive like at all. And like, my boyfriend Johnny is like going to be like lost without me! I feel so bad for like him! He'll probably like cry everyday! I know I'll miss him like a lot. And like, did you see that like big guy in our like class? He reminds me of like that one guy in like that one book I almost like read," She twirled her hair. The girl who had been trying to escape the "conversation" for the longest time, finally perked up.

"Butler? Yeah, I know! You mean Artemis Fowl right?"

"Like yeah."

"OMG, I love Artemis Fowl!"

Pretty soon, every discovered they all had something in common. They wrote Artemis Fowl fan fiction. To avert confusion, everyone created a name tag and wore it to show their pen name. Spectra16 was especially proud of her name tag, because she had silver sparkles on it. Spontaneousxhumanxcombustion's name tag went all the way across her chest. She found it useful though. She could unpin it and beat people with it.

Bloody Dead Rose and Spectra16 reunited and started talking about the strange happenings of the school.

"How strange. . . We all are fan fic writers and then we have Butler as a teacher. This must be a strange school on the edge of reality that has invited us all to live among other fan fic writers!" Bloody pointed in the air.

"Sure . . . I wonder if the other fandom are doing this too," Spectra16 looked up at the ceiling.

(Somewhere on the edge of reality, kitty-corner from PDQ)

Elbereth in April, Midnight Paradise, and Elven Dagger rose their butterbeers in celebration and clinked them together.

"Hogwarts or bust, baby!" Elven yells.

(Somewhere in Hicksville)

Johnny sits on his arse, flipping channels. Such a difficult decision MTV and Spike TV makes. Both so tantalizing. . . Both so . . . Beautiful. So many choices. Johnny is confused. He doesn't know what to do with so much power. He looks over at his goldfish/Boggle fish named Winky.

"I can't stand it anymore!" Johnny shrieks. Winky stares at his master, hoping his head will explode. It doesn't, and so Winky despairs. Winky hopes to find a happier place, with more Bogglefish. But he'd probably he discriminated against. He was half goldfish.

"Damn Mudbloods. It's not that us Purebloods are better, it's just that we are."-Draco

(Somewhere on the edge of reality, off of I-90)

Random, nameless fan fic writers sit in a large circle.

"So . . . I guess we have little to nothing in common then," Scoutcraft Piratess comments. Everyone else nods. This is the miscellaneous category, the book crossovers, the movie crossovers. Silence looms in the air.

"Alright then."

(Back to the Fan Fic Academy)

Spectra16 shook her head from her strange thoughts. Bloody Dead Rose pops a piece of gum into her mouth.

-.-.-.-

Everyone in the class was absolutely sure of who their teacher was. This was clear when they noticed that he hopped on one leg to get from place to place, and that he had some stereotypical, striking features that scream mobster. He looked around and started counting the students, and everyone remained silent.

"Hello class! I'm Mr. Fowl. I will be your science teacher this semester. Science is a very boring subject, but I hope to lessen your pain by starting with some yoga exercises," Mr. Fowl then plopped a blue mat down on the floor in the front of the class. He hopped over to a plastic, beat up cassette player and popped in a tape. He wobbly stood over his mat and plopped down.

"Hello and welcome to the Beginner's Course of Yoga 101. This course will help you relax your tense muscles and you will be lulled to sleep with the soothing sounds of the ocean and other various seemingly peaceful natural sounds," A soothing voice from the cassette player spoke. Everyone immediately felt drowsy, even while they sat in their seats.

"Now, imagine you're on a beach with dolphins-

Slime frog woke up on the floor, wondering how she had gotten there. Blue Yeti woke up with her face in a puddle of drool. WorldsDumbestNerd snorted awake and looked up at Mr. Fowl, who was still sleeping on his mat on the floor. Apparently, the tape had stopped moments before, which was what had kept everyone asleep.

"You think we should wake him up?" Nyghtvision asked as PyRo4 opened the cassette player. He flipped it over to see what someone had written on the label. "Artemis Fowl's Mixtape" it read. PyRo4 put it back in and pressed fast forward for a few seconds. He bobbed around while waiting, and then pressed play. A horribly loud song came on, and it sounded somewhat similar to the Spice Girls.

"OH MY GOD! TURN IT OFF!" Fowl Senior sprang up off the floor and covered the boom box with his body, and quickly slammed his hand on the stop button. He swung around to stare PyRo down.

"Never play this tape without my supervision! It has songs on here that are meant for torture tactics ONLY! Please," Temmy turned around and hopped to his desk as the bell rang.