Artemis Fowl Fan Fiction Academy
By the disgruntled Spectra16 (Who is seriously considering changing her pen name to My Teacher Is A Werewolf)
A/N: Hello? Is anyone reading? If so, send help. It appears that I'm up to my ears in leeches problems. You see, I'm in this campaign against leeches being in films. Someone who I will not name coughSiriusBlackcough tipped the leeches off to where I live, and now they seem to be protesting outside of my home.
L: The spectacle is quite strange. They had picket signs, but not all of the saying are directly related to our cause. They seem to have come straight from a Star Wars protest.
A/N: My favorite one says "If you think those fingers work on me, I've got a finger for you!" There's also a bunch that quote directly from Pendragon. I'm not sure why. And there's much ado about Ender's Game. One picket sign says "Stop mass alien genocide! Kill Ender!" Another says "Earth should be destroyed to make way for an environmentally safe highway!" Right now, Lemony is helping me put up a banner that states "Rubrics are for pussies". I hope that gets them nice and pissed off.
L: I prefer to be known as L. My life's work is at risk every time you call me by that adjective.
Disclaimer: At any rate, Spectra owns only her own syndicated name in this story. You may use that name, but you must pay a fee of garlic.
Spectra16: Garlic? Why garlic?
Disclaimer: Remember? Your teacher is a vampire.
Spectra16: He's a vampire/werewolf/math teacher/Lord of the Rings game master. So, in order to attend every third hour, I'll need garlic, a stake, a gun that can handle silver bullets, a cross, a D10, and a food processor.
Disclaimer: Food . . . Processor?
Spectra16: In case he gets hungry.
Disclaimer: Spectra also does not own the many homages she just used in this A/N. Go read "Heroes Anonymous", and you will undoubtedly understand.
-.-.-.-.-.-
Chapter Two: Where's the Boy Genius? (And more importantly, where am I? Oh well, NAKED TIME!)
Most of the hyperactive teens that resided at the preparatory school for fan fiction writers settled into their new abodes without questioning why they were there. Everyone except the American students found the school to be quite laid back and free. Everyone's schedule looked a little something like this.
Physical Pain-err. . . Education with Mr. Butler
Science with Mr. Fowl
Mathematics with Mr. Root
Technical Education with Mr. Foaly
English with Ms. Holly
FREEDOM PERIOD-Lunch
Social Sciences with Mr. Cudgeon
Fan Fiction Class with Mr. Fido
Music with Ms. Koboi
Regardless of who taught each class, every day was action packed and rather silly all at once. Everyday, Root would yell at Nyghtvision for twitching, every day slimefrog would get yelled at for needing to use the little girl's room, every day Spectra16's intense fear of flamingos would lessen.
Root had several highly adrenaline math problems on the chalk board, and he always seemed to pick the students who did not excel in mathematics to solve them. A rather intelligent boy named Adam Dimuri would always correct everyone and seemed to have genius of his own. One day, Root's suspicions finally let loose. Apparently, this boy was not a fan fic writer and the reason for him being here was just one big misunderstanding. The boy was sent home to his worried parents, but prior to that, he visited the restaurant at the end of the universe. He also would like to state that they have fantastic barbeque ribs.
-.-.-.-.-
TECH ED
"Hello children!" Foaly looked at all of the young minds that he would mold with absolute enthusiasm. Everyone had sat down at rather nice looking, Muggle-err. . . Mudman computers (Spectra16 punches herself in the neck).
(I apologize for those of you who believe the terms "Muggle" and "Mudmen" are racist. Frankly Scarlett, I'm tired of your sleeping around!)
"Now today, we will be working with some highly low tech computers that some bone head is making billions off of!" Foaly chirped, his voice layered in a certain sarcasm. "Our first lesson is IP spoofing! You will need this for your adult lives, because we all know hackers get the hot chicks! Our first tasks is to upload the OS system called Unix! It will be a class project," Foaly smiled. Everyone was seriously confused. Normal tech education classes worked on pitiful art and simulator programs. This was definitely not an average tech ed class. Personally, the author is quite jealous from everything that she is writing. She wants to know how to IP spoof. ANYHOW!
-.-.-.-.-
After class, PyRo4 walked up to Spectra16. Some of the students came out of the class with their eyes crossed. Apparently, Foaly's class had been very hardcore.
"Wanna skip class with me?" PyRo asked. Spectra16 shifted her eyes. Blue Yeti snorted.
"Yeah, PyRo, you should really skip the class you need the most help in," Blue joked. PyRo's eyebrows furrowed.
"Hey! I resent that!"
"Is it okay?" Spectra16 asked meekly. PyRo laughed.
"Yeah. Skipping class is perfectly okay. It's actually encouraged," PyRo smiled slyly. Spectra missed the sarcasm. Blue Yeti rolled her eyes.
-.-.-.-.-
ENGLISH
"Hey everyone!" Holly walked in, seeming quite chipper. Everyone else was wondering how they were going to see Holly over the person in front of them. She used her wings to hover above the students.
"Who wants to tell me what a prefix is?" She chirped, obviously being in a good mood. Everyone shifted their eyes, except for a few 12 year olds who were wondering what it was. Everyone else was afraid the whole class would be this watered down.
"CAN I GO TO THE BATHROOM!" slime frog exclaimed loudly. Holly quirked an eyebrow and ignored her. "URG! My organs!" slime winced.
"Today, we'll be filling out capitalization sheets!" Holly distributed them still flying. Blue Yeti teared up. Kitty Rainbow proceeded to fill out her paper before everyone else. After less than three minutes, she held up her paper and silently put her hands in the air. Some of the other students questioned this, but also decided to race for second place. Only a few 12 year old losers got the questions wrong. Upon this test, a random Fan Fic Nazi walked in and dragged out these children by their ankles for incessant beating until they agreed to capitalize their titles, summaries, and the contents of their random, Mary Sue fictions.
Dijip shuddered when she discovered that tomorrow they would be learning about the history of Disclaimers.
-.-.-.-.-
LUNCH
"I kinda like this school, even if it is a little weird," slime frog poked at her ketchup and mayonaise lunch. Bloody Dead Rose's eyes widened.
"KINDA WEIRD? This place is the nutters! We're in Ireland, there are Artemis Fowl characters running about, not to mention Ronald Weasley whom looks completely lost, everyone hear is a fan fic writer in OUR fandom, and, above all else, we haven't seen ARTEMIS yet!" Bloody shouted. Pyro7 slowly turned his head from a table next to them, and starred her down.
"She has a point," Nyghtvision spoke stoically, as if thinking about strange things. Like Don Juan and his reaction to pink jello. Or what kind of trouble babblefish would have with Esperanto.
"We should really find out who's behind this by sneaking around the school," BFW smirked evilly. Nyghtvision nodded slowly.
"But it's scary in here!" surrealallstar complained.
"WE MUST TAKE ACTION NOW!" BFW stood on the table and put her fist in the air.
"All in favor of getting into trouble, say I!" Bloody straightened her posture and rose a fist.
"I!" Spectra16 announced.
"I!" Nyghtvision made a peace sign.
"I" slime frog and Spontaneousxhumanxcombustion said in unison. BFW nodded. Blue Yeti smiled, as if to say, "Yes me too!"
"Well, what's our plan?" Bloody Dead Rose asked. Blue Yeti, the unspoken leader, scratched her chin.
"No no no! We can't run around like maniacs! This probably has a perfectly good explanation! Like the Probability factor! Soon, we'll all be snug in our beds, thinking of sugar plum fairies and what-not!" Kitty Rainbow protested.
"Oh come on Kitty! Where has you sense of adventure wandered off to?" Blue Yeti asked. She pouted.
"Um, it died."
"That would be so cool if we found something in the girl's bathroom!" Spontaneous shouted. Blue Yeti quirked an eyebrow.
"Why would THAT be cool?" She asked. Spontaneous shrugged.
"I dunno. It just would."
-.-.-.-.-.-
Cudgeon's eyes were bloodshot and he looked distraught. His voice was similar to that of Allen Rickman. Nothing could have cheered up this creature who'd been wipped by the most egotistical, most beautiful, most horrid slash fan fic writer ever (mostly in the Harry Potter fandom), Opal Koboi.
"Hello class," He droned. The students mocked his tone and replied.
"Hello Briar," they said in unison. He wasn't shocked, but he wondered how they'd known his first name, or his name at all for that matter. Forgoing any introduction, Cudgeon continued.
"Does anyone have questions about this class?" he asked. Nyghtvision rose her hand.
"Yes, what is this class?" She asked inquisitively. He rolled his eyes.
"Social sciences," He replied dully.
"Oh."
"Any other questions?"
"Why are you so ugly?" Kelaal blurted. Cudgeon answered quickly, as if he had practice.
"Because I'm normal. Any other witty responses to my simple question?" He asked, sarcasm dripping onto the floors and making a bloody puddle for someone to slip on.
"Can I got to the bathroom!" slime frog asked impatiently, as if she'd been waiting since school began. Cudgeon looked at her stoically.
"No. Wait until after the questions. Anyone else?"
"Would you suggest that taking over the world with modem eating flamingos would be more efficient or would you say that threatening influential figures in the media would be a better undertaking? Frankly, I think that we should all conform to being lab rats, because we all know that the rats are training the scientists, and not the other way around. Surely, this has to be the way to condone all human life as we know it!" Nyghtvision folded her hands. Cudgeon shook his head like that one mono tone like guy from the old Visine commercials.
"I really don't care. And my name is not Frank or Shirley," Cudgeon said sadly.