Beyond Degrassi: It Still Goes There

Part 7: Love is Forgiveness; Love is Trust

Paige waited outside of Alex's door. She had knocked three times, and finally Alex had yelled "just a minute". She knew she should have called first but she wanted to surprise Alex. Alex had been acting distant since their last fight, and she was hoping a special surprise visit would help patch up the problem. She hated that she hurt Alex so easily, she knew she was clingy. They were both clingy. As soon as the year was up they could so start discussing the big "move-in together" plan. Then they wouldn't have any reason to fight about being apart.

Alex pulled open the door and gawked at Paige. Paige looked down at herself, she was dressed up all sexy, just for Alex. She loved when Alex looked at her like that. She looked back at Alex's expression and grinned.

"Paige..." Alex whispered, barely able to register what was happening. "What... What are you doing here?"

Paige pushed Alex out of her way and let herself in, she still had the huge grin on her face, "I thought I'd surprise you hon. Surprised?"

Alex turned and shut the door behind her, she couldn't take her eyes off of Paige. She looked... amazing. This was such a surprise, she was excited but Alex felt like a complete dog. Emma was in her room again. Emma was in her room a lot these days. After she had done it the first time, doing it again was just too easy. It was Emma's doing really, she knew exactly what buttons to push. Alex licked her lips nervously and tried to give Paige a sincere smile, "More than you could ever know. Um... don't you have finals tomorrow?"

"I do." Paige winked at Alex, "But not until noon."

"So... you're staying the night?"

"Don't sound so cheerful about it." Paige frowned, noticing that Alex's mood was not anything like she had expected it to be. Something was wrong, she was going to get to the bottom of it, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Alex said for the hundredth time this week, "Nothing's wrong." In her head she thought, everything is wrong. So wrong. Also for the hundredth time this week.

"Uh-huh." Emma interjected from Alex's doorway. At least she was fully clothed, leaning there watching their interaction with bemusement. Alex wanted to strangle the little whore, this was all her fault.

"Stay out of this." Alex snapped. Emma rolled her eyes and suddenly found her fingernails to be of interest instead. She wasn't going to leave, this fight actually involved her.

"Stay out of this?" Paige echoed, she gestured at Emma and then at Alex, "By there being a this, there is obviously something going on. Why are you keeping secrets from me? What happened Alex? What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong babe." Alex said as casually as she could. She decided that sweet talking may get her out of the trap she was laying for herself. She put her arms around Paige's waist, and said "I love you. I love you so much. Why would I keep secrets from you?" She kissed Paige's neck. Paige wrapped her arms around Alex but didn't melt into the kisses as Alex was hoping she would. Paige's attention was on Emma, who looked frustrated.

"You wouldn't lie to me would you?" Paige asked coyly, she was going to judge Emma's reaction to their conversation. She could tell Emma knew something.

Alex paused before she answered. It wasn't a good sign, as far as Paige was concerned. She finally said very weakly "Never." It wasn't a convincing never, and Paige knew she was lying.

"Never ever?" Paige played it off as flirting. Emma stopped looking at her nails and was grudgingly looking back at the two of them. She didn't miss Paige's stare, but Paige's tone confused her. If Paige knew, why would she go about things this way?

"Never ever, ever." Alex said a little bit more confidently this time. She went to look Paige in the eyes. It would have been one of the first times she had in the last two weeks. This is how she realized Paige wasn't looking at her, Paige was having a stare-down with Emma. Alex felt the panic rising in her chest. It was a tight and suffocating feeling, like her lungs forgot how to work properly. Paige was toying with her, she had noticed Emma in her door way. She knew. Or she was close to knowing.

"Have something on your mind, Em?" Paige asked finally. Alex watched the interaction, like a helpless child. She had no control over what Emma said right here, and if she told Paige... Paige would... hate her. Alex clinched her jaw, anxiety eating away at her by the heavy seconds of silence between the two other girls.

"As a matter of fact I do." Emma said smugly. Alex could feel the tears already starting to well up in her eyes, she knew Emma was going to blow it. She wouldn't blame Paige though, she knew she deserved whatever Paige did to her. She hoped Paige would hit her. Maybe Paige would just hit her and they could stay together. She would do anything for that to be the outcome instead of another separation.

"A Penny for your thoughts?" Paige persisted.

"No." Emma shrugged. Paige's expression fell. Alex sighed with relief, only to realize too late that was a bad thing to do. She watched Emma pick up her purse from the counter and walked past the two of them to the door. She gave Alex that wicked smile she was so practiced at, and said sarcastically "You two have a good night."

The door closed and Alex could feel Paige's eyes on her again. She looked at the floor. What was she suppose to do? Just tell her? 'oh yeah, babe, I've been sleeping with Emma please don't dump me.' There was no way she could do that. She let her arms drop from their resting place on Paige's hips. She couldn't sleep with Paige and not tell her either. She was in a predicament, and she didn't know what to do. She almost wished Emma had told Paige, then she wouldn't have to. She felt a tear roll down her cheek. Paige's soft hand caressed her cheek, she wiped away the tear. Paige was always looking out for her, Paige was such a god damned good girlfriend.

"Hon, come here." Paige lead Alex by her hand to the couch, she had Alex sit down. She pulled Alex's head to her chest and stroked her hair, "You know I love you. You're the most important thing in my world, you know that. It's all about you, it's all about us. I trust you with everything-"

"You shouldn't." Alex cut in sharply, the hurt she was going through so clear in her voice Paige could feel it. She didn't know what happened to Alex, but she desperately wanted to help her get through it, "You shouldn't trust me. I'm a terrible person, a liar, a cheat, a criminal, a fucking gutter rat. It's in my nature or something."

"That's not true Alex." Paige said softly, still stroking her hair.

"It is true. I've done something beyond terrible." Alex whimpered, "Something that's going to hurt you. Something that's going to hurt us. I never wanted to, and honestly it doesn't even make sense. That's why I'm bad, Paige. I'm ruining us. I'm destroying us."

Paige forced Alex's head up, forced her to look her in the eyes. Those dark orbs always took Paige's breath away, they held so much emotion. Right now it was fear, almost terror that Paige saw so clearly. Whatever she had done she certainly wasn't proud of it, though by the sound of it, that wasn't going to make it any better. Paige wasn't stupid, she surmised that Alex had probably cheated. It was most likely some crazy drunken night with her ex-boyfriend. He had no doubt told Emma, hence how she knew. It hurt to think about. The idea of that filthy bastards hands on her Alex... it made her sick. That aside, though, it wasn't so horrible that Alex should be terrified of Paige's response. Paige would be there for her, Paige loved her.

"Say it." Paige told her, "Just say it. I promise I won't let it destroy us. We'll find a way to get past it, okay? We've been together for a grand total of like ten months, how is some silly little mistake going to ruin that?"

"I can't." Alex choked out.

"You can." Paige gave her a helpful half-smirk. She was hoping Alex could see how concerned she was. How she wanted to help, that she wasn't badgering for anyone but Alex.

"I'm sleeping with Emma." Alex said quickly with a wince. Hearing herself say it was terrible. It was even wore than thinking it. Paige's eyes widened in shock.

"Oh." She said. She hadn't expected that. Not only was it another woman, but it was someone she thought Alex despised. It was confusing, especially the present tense used in the verb. Had Alex meant to use the present tense with that verb?

"Look, I know you probably want to leave, I know you probably want to never see me again- but before you do-" Alex could see that her wishful thinking on just being hit was not a likely option anymore. Paige didn't look furious, she looked broken, she looked betrayed. That look was a hundred times worse than any fury could have been. It made her want to crawl into a deep dark hole and hide.

"No. What I do want to know is why? Why?" Paige said quickly in response, the hurt as evident in her voice as it was on her face.

"I'm an idiot." Alex could feel the warm tears steaming down her cheeks. There was no stopping it now, she was going to loose everything she ever wanted over some stupid lustful nights. "I- I- got insecure and I got wasted and-and- if you're really drunk... I mean... she's blonde too... and-no- that's not what I wanted to say- I- uh-"

"Sleeping?"

The words caught in Alex's throat. It was like there just weren't words to explain this mistake. She buried her head in her hands and cried. She couldn't look at Paige with that expression of betrayal. She had a sudden dreary thought that she hadn't had in years. Life wasn't going to be worth living like this. This feeling of shame was far worse than any other emotion she had ever felt. There wouldn't be a day ahead of her that she could soberly face without that shame haunting her. If Paige left her tonight, she should do the right thing... she should just...

"Will you stop?" Paige asked quietly, taking a deep breath herself. Her heart felt crushed, she felt used. She could see Alex breaking down far worse than herself however. Alex regretted it, and Paige knew it. She needed a commitment to stop the present tense and make it an ancient history tense of the word 'sleep' though. Alex couldn't keep sleeping with Emma.

"What?" Alex asked choking on her tears. She thought Paige was asking her to stop crying, so she did her best to stifle the sobs.

"Stop sleeping with her." Paige explained, it came out as more of a command. It felt kind of like a command too, she needed Alex to be hers and hers alone.

"You're not breaking up with me?" Alex looked up at Paige again. The stricken look of betrayal had passed, she looked more angry now. Alex felt her heart leap with joy at the look of anger.

"Will you stop?" Paige repeated her original statement.

"Of course. Well..." The image of Emma seducing her haunted her. Without Paige there Emma would have the chance to do it again, and then all this bull-shit would continue, there was only one solution "... move in? Please?"

"You need me to move in for you to stop?" Paige asked, irritated.

"No." Alex tried to explain the best she could, "I just don't trust myself when I'm not with you Paige. When I'm with you I'm a better person... but when I'm alone... do you see what I'm saying?"

"Fine." Paige agreed, "Does Jay know about... you know."

"I don't think so" Alex shrugged, that hopeless dark feeling fading away now. "I've only seen him a couple times since it all started..."

"You're going to tell him. Tonight." Paige said, "And then I'll move in... and I swear Alex if I even see you giving Emma a look..."

"I'll do anything you ask." Alex agreed, "anything."

To be Continued...