Chapter One - Playboys and Bobbie
In Harry's bedroom. Harry is reading Playboy on his bed. Hedwig is biting her cage.
Harry: Ooooh! Carmen Electra! (looks over at Hedwig) WILL YOU SHUT UP! (Uncle Vernon comes in)
Vernon: What are you shouting at, boy?
Harry: My owl.
Vernon: Oh. OOOOH! Is that Playboy? I didn't know you could read!
Harry: You don't have to be able to read to read Playboy. There are naked girls in there.
Vernon: LEMME SEE!
(15 minutes later)
Harry: FATTY BOOM-BOOM! STOP DROOLING ON PAM ANDERSON!
(Vernon wipes chin and Pamela Anderson)
Vernon: Sorry. Anyway, I came to tell you about the dinner party we're having tonight.
Harry: Am I invited?
Vernon: What do you think?
Harry: I think yes after I let you drool on Pam An!
Vernon: Well, the answer is NO! You're a freak-
Harry: So is Dudley but you don't hear me complaining.
Vernon: I am making what is possibly the most important deal of my career so keep your pointy nose out of it!
Harry: WHAT!My nose isn't pointy! (runs over to mirror and prods nose) I HAVE A POINTY NOSE!
Vernon: In your face! I don't have a pointy nose!
Harry (crying): I'd rather have a pointy nose than a flabby one. (Vernon joins Harry at mirror)
Vernon: WHAT! MY NOSE IS FLABBY!
Harry (cheering up quickly): So is your face.
Vernon: The Masons are coming at 7:30 so I want you out the way. I don't want to be embarrassed by you.
Harry: But you'd rather be embarrassed by Dudley.
Vernon: Look, I was reading Petunia's Vogue, and it said that skinny is out and flab is back.
Harry: Oh.
Vernon: I'll take that! (snatches Playboy from Harry) I think this will help me with the "Birds and the Bees" talk with Dudley.
Harry: There aren't birds and bees in Playboy.
Vernon: I mean the whole sex talk.
Harry: Oh. Can I go pee?
Vernon: No.
Harry: But I'll wet myself!
Vernon: Even more of a reason to stay upstairs.
(Harry gets into a strop)
(Downstairs. The Dursleys and the Masons are at the dinning table.)
Petunia: Mrs Mason, after you've finished dinner, would you like to see my garden?
Mrs Mason: Um, Petunia, I am not a lesbian.
Petunia: I'm not a lesbian. I meant the back garden. Outside...
MrsM: Sure!
(In the garden)
Petunia: Because I'm called Petunia, i find it a ironic to have petunia's in my garden. Over here is the Strawberry patch, we love strawberries. And over here...
(Harry's room)
Harry (muttering): Stupid fat bastard won't let me piss but I'll show him. (Unzips flies) I am dying for a piss. (Opens window and relives) AH!
(Garden)
MrsM: Petunia?
Petunia: Yes, Mrs Mason?
MrsM: Is it raining?
Petunia: No.
MrsM: It's raining on me.
Petunia: I love that song! (breaks into song) WHY DOES IT ALWAYS RAAAAAAAAIN ON MEEEEEEEEEEE?
(Harry's room)
Harry: Thank god!
(Garden)
(Mrs M looks up and gets a face full of the nice yellow body fluid)
MrsM: I'm being pissed on!
Petunia: Hey, that's not a song!
(Harry's room. Harry turns to his bed)
Harry: WTF are you?
Bobbie: I is Bobbie the house elf.
Harry: You look like E.T.
Bobbie: No, I is Bobbie. I is giving you a message, Harry Potter, sir.
Harry: What is it?
Bobbie: You cannot return to Hogwarts, Mr Potter, sir.
Harry: Is that it?
Bobbie: And also, the new edition of Playboy is here. I've been stealing your mail. Sorry about the stain.
Harry (snatches letters from Bobbie): Thanks for nothing, freak of nature. Bye!
Bobbie: Promise Bobbie you will not go back to school.
Harry: I will not go to school if you promise not to steal my mail again.
Bobbie: Ok.
Harry: Ha ha! Got ya, stupid idiot! (uncrosses fingers)
Bobbie: That is the last straw. Bobbie will not regret what she is about to do. (Bobbie runs down the stairs, Harry follows her)
Harry: Bobbie, what are you doing?
Bobbie: Bobbie is sorry, Mr Potter. But you must promise not to go back to school.
Harry: I gotta go back to school!
(Bobbie magically picks up a cake and levitates it into the living room where the Masons are looking a bit wet. Bobbie clicks her fingers and the cake falls on Mrs Mason's head.)
Petunia: Oh, well. Meringue soaks up liquids well.