A/N: By the title, I'm sure you all think I'm writing the literature equivalent of an after school special. Well I'm not, but it should still be quite educational… in an odd sort of way. Also, this chapter goes out to all of you smarty-pants who wonder why Shinji and Asuka don't go and live in the city. I've got your number and I plan on calling. Enjoy.

The Power of Reading

After those first few days Asuka still confused me a lot, but I'd given up all thoughts of running away. There were two reasons for this. The first one was that Asuka had lightened up on our sleeping arrangement. I still slept under her cover and she still felt the need to have an arm around me, but she didn't cling to me like she used to. She just let me lay there in relative discomfort. At least my arms weren't pinned at my side. Sometimes I would put them around her just for the added freedom that it offered. And sometimes when I knew she was asleep, I could disengage from the girl completely and just lay next to her for the rest of the night. The second reason I didn't want to run anymore was the fact that there was nowhere to run to. The beach was our home. I couldn't leave it.

We both know that it's stupid to live on the beach. The city has everything we could possibly want or need. From the city we get our food, from the city we get our clothes, from the city we get our water (bottled water), and from the city we get our entertainment. So the question is, why do Asuka and I live on the beach when everything important to our lives is in the city? The answer is simpler than you think.

We both hate the city with a passion. Sure when we first went there it seemed as if we couldn't live without it… and we can't. But the fact of the matter is the place is down right scary. There's no one around but us and there's tall buildings everywhere. Yet it feels as if we're being watched all the time. It's like our minds can't comprehend the fact that there's all these man made things around and no men to fill them up. It's not right.

But that's not the only reason we haven't moved, even if it's the most important one. We also don't stay in the city because we simply just like the beach. The sounds of the water at night are soothing and the feel of sand under your feet is ten times better than the plushest carpet. And although I'd never tell Asuka, there's also this closeness I feel to the rest of humanity when I sit by the sea. And if I put my feet in the water I can almost imagine the familiarity of all my friends and the people I met through instrumentality. Almost.

The other reason that we don't live in the city is that not living there saves us from boredom. Every time we take a trip there for supplies it takes practically the whole day. This allows us to get off of the beach every now and then and get a little exercise. It's almost like a vacation of sorts, except we hate the place we're going to. Boy do I hate that place.

But the things that we get from the beach are of the utmost importance. Sure we kept getting food and blankets (me burning them had quickly lost its effect on Asuka, but the fact remained that they made good kindling. On cold nights Asuka would often tell me to "put another blanket on the fire") but these necessities were only the tip of the iceberg. If Asuka hadn't gotten those pans for us to cook with we'd still be trying to hold the food over the fire with our bear hands as it roasted in its can. If I hadn't gotten that tent from the outdoorsman store we would have still been sleeping out in the harshness of nature. And if Asuka hadn't borrowed all those books from the library we would have killed each other. That's no joke either. I'm almost positive that those books had saved both of our lives. Without them one of us would have surely killed the other and then that person would be left to live alone or more likely commit suicide.

You see the thing was we had run out of safe conversation. You know, the type of chatter that really means nothing, but is used to pass the time. The only things left for us to really talk about were work and even worse… our feelings. Asuka had wisely chosen work. For about a week she had spent almost all of her time ordering me around, (yes more than usual). Every word that came from her mouth was a command or an explanation of a command. This got old very quickly and soon I stopped listening to her. She would spend about a half an hour explaining what I should do next only to find out that I hadn't paid any attention. This only served to get her mad and make her yell at me or hit me. And her actions over time made me want to take similar actions upon her, but I restrained. The only time she wasn't ordering me around, yelling at me, or hitting me, was when she was kissing me and by that time she was so angry with me that she had given up all resemblance of gentleness. She aimed to hurt me through her passions, a goal in which she easily succeeded. I don't think my lips will ever feel quite the same.

Now I'm not a genius when it comes to human relations, but I knew that something had to give. I was on the verge of snapping and she had more than likely already done it. Every night I went to sleep I half-expected to wake up dead. But through some miraculous turn of events Asuka found us some valuable entertainment that we both could enjoy. She granted us the gift of books!

When she showed me these treasures of man for the first time I didn't recognize them for what they truly were. They were our one and only salvation in a world filled with nothing but each other. I hope you don't think I'm exaggerating here because it's the absolute truth. I know it's hard to understand, but just try your best.

These books offered us hours of entertainment in the place of the time Asuka would have spent nagging me and the time I would have spent imagining her death. The wealth of stories and information provided to us was enough to keep us away from each other's throats for a lifetime. I've read so many books since that fateful day that I could be considered a scholar. Asuka even was able to get out her urges to order me around through these wonderful gifts.

She handed me a dictionary and an encyclopedia and said, "Shinji, read. You're going to be the father of humanity so you can't be so darn stupid anymore. You're going to learn some vocabulary and some history and anything else I tell you to, got it!"

I had it. And while I was hesitant at first, I soon found myself thirsting for the knowledge. In instrumentality, I had literally known everything there was to know, or at least I had access to it all. Most of that information faded when I arrived on the beach. It seemed as if the human mind simply wasn't capable of carrying all that information. But now I found that I sincerely wanted it back.

So our days went on as such. We read a lot. Asuka ordered me around a lot less. When we needed or wanted stuff, we'd go to the city. When Asuka got bored with reading, she still made harsh attacks on my lips, but these attacks came less frequently. Nobody wanted to kill anyone anymore. We were happy… kinda.

That almost happiness had to come to an end. A week after the discovery of the books I found myself reading the dictionary… yes reading the dictionary. Try it before you knock it. Anyways, I came across the word hate.

Hate or hatred is an emotion of intense revulsion, distaste, enmity, or antipathy for a person, thing, or phenomenon; a desire to avoid, restrict, remove, or destroy its object.

You can imagine the definition of this word meant a great deal to me because I hated Asuka. But there inlayed the problem. I didn't feel intense revulsion from Asuka… at least not anymore. I'd grown used to her closeness, even if I didn't exactly like it. I may have a feeling of distaste towards her, but not to the degree of enmity. She wasn't my enemy. And after I looked up antipathy (A strong feeling of aversion or repugnance… I had to look up repugnance too) I realized that I didn't feel that way towards her either. And while at times I wanted to avoid Asuka, I didn't wish her destroyed… well, not after the gift of books was bestowed upon us. All this information pointed to one painful fact: I did not hate Asuka.

You can guess how this realization made me feel. I'd clung to that knowledge as the very basis of our relationship. As long as I could hate her, I didn't really have to deal with her feelings. It wouldn't matter if she loved me more than everyone else that ever lived (as she had implied, but never really proved), or if she had really come back to life just to torment me. But now I couldn't even hate her. Worse yet, I felt an obligation to tell her. She had told me her feelings first after all. So two days after I made this discovery I told her. I spent those two days planning and working up the courage. This was the result.

"Asuka I don't hate you."

I know that this statement may have been a little too complex for the situation, but I could think of no way to further simplify it and still convey what I felt.

Asuka just looked at me and said, "Oh… really?" She didn't even smile or anything. It was kind of an odd moment

"Yeah."

"So how do you feel about me?"

"I don't know?" I asked because I wasn't even sure if I didn't know.

"Idiot," she muttered under he breath. "Do you think you might love me?"

"What?" Not hating her I could understand, but she went way over my head with the love thing.

"Do you love me?"

"Let me check…" I said as I went to consult the dictionary. Asuka looked at me questioningly when I came back with the book. I decided I'd clear up her confusion by reading out loud.

"It says: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicit-" but I didn't get to finish as Asuka quickly slapped me upside my head.

"What kind of a fool looks to the dictionary to determine his feelings! That's the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. And that's saying a lot seeing as I live with you!"

With no further words she stormed offalong the beach in an effort to get away from me and my stupidity. I still don't really see what was wrong with what I did. How can you tell if you feel something if you don't know what that feeling is? I decided that it would be best to read the rest of the definition.

A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

Well, definition number one didn't help too much. How can you tell if you're in love if it is an ineffable (indeterminable) feeling? And even if I were to ignore that one word and consult the rest of the definition, it just did not apply to Asuka and I. There was nothing deep, tender, or affectionate going on between us, unless something was happening that I didn't know about. So based on the first definition there was no love on this beach.

The second definition was a little more straightforward, but when mixed with my feelings it became just as unclear as the first. Sure I thought Asuka was pretty… very pretty. But I wouldn't say I had an "intense desire" for the girl. Yeah, I spent a lot of time looking at her when I knew she wasn't looking at me, but that is quite literally because she's the most beautiful thing on this beach. Don't think that's a romantic sentiment, because it's not. She literally is the most beautiful thing on the beach. The only other things here are sand, water, and shopping carts, and who wants to stare at shopping carts all day? And if you really wanted to get into the mechanics of the whole desire thing, I think I feared her more than I desired her.

Well, that's not exactly correct. I feared what we could do together. Creating life, and having that life create life. Even if I were to ignore the incest factor there was the fact that life really isn't all that great to begin with. Sure it was ok back then, but I think I could have done without it if I really had to. I had little preference either way, so why would I bring children into such a life?

The jury was in, I did not love Asuka. In fact, when I reflected upon my findings, I sincerely doubted that Asuka loved me.

Well, she might have loved me… but only by definition number 2.

Let me clear something up for you. I didn't just read the dictionary and the encyclopedia all day long. I read lots of other things too. I dove headfirst into many works of literature that I'd heard of but never cared enough to read. It's quite interesting what the human mind can create seemingly out of nothing. These wonderful stories that are fabricated from everyday experiences and turned to something far more fantastic. I could spend my whole life reading books and never hear the same story twice. If things continued as they did I might just have had that opportunity.

Asuka also was enchanted by these stories too, but her reading material soon began to scare me a bit. At first Asuka's tastes were purely scientific. She read books about technology, chemistry and a whole bunch of other things I couldn't begin to understand. It was a painful reminder of how much smarter she was than me, having already graduated from college. The first book she picked up was a manual on exactly how a power plant works. It'd didn't take a genius to figure out why she'd be reading that. But as time went on I found her reading books of a completely different science. There was one anatomy book in particular that sticks out in my mind. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget some of the images in that book.

When I asked her why she was reading such a book her first response was, "shut up". After a few moments went by she further explained by stating, "somebody's got to know this stuff. I won't be the one to deprive the future generations of knowledge!"

I didn't question her any farther on the subject, but I also refrained from reading over her shoulder from then on. Still, that didn't stop me from becoming concerned when I saw the cover of another book she was reading. I couldn't see the title, but the cover illustration was enough to thoroughly frighten me. It was a picture of a tall muscular man without a shirt on holding a lady wearing a dress. The dress seemed to be coming off of the lady's shoulders and both the man and woman were staring desperately into each other's eyes.

My mind was plagued with ponderings upon what the subject matter of the book was about, but I was much too afraid to ask Asuka. One night when Asuka was sleeping I snuck out of the covers and stole the book from the shopping cart she was keeping it in. I then began the tedious task of reading it by the moonlight.

I was shocked out of my mind. I didn't think Asuka would ever read anything about grown up relationships that was so… specific. Nothing left to the imagination. When they did it, how they did it, and for how long they did it. Everything is remarkably detailed in a way that I found shameless and sickening. I'm not going to lie to you though, I was more than intrigued. I couldn't stop reading the book until I realized that I couldn't stop reading it. Then with great effort I placed the book back in the spot it had been before and made sure the bookmark was in its proper place. It was bad enough knowing Asuka read such books, but it'd be worse knowing that she knew that I knew she read such books and that I had read parts of it too.

I slipped back into the covers quietly and looked over at Asuka mortified. As if by instinct her arm rapped around my shoulders. I kept looking at her and thinking of the things in that book. I didn't fall asleep until sunrise.

A week went by and Asuka and I neared the end of the book. We both read it under the assumption that the other one didn't know we were reading it. In my case, this assumption was probably true. In Asuka's case it couldn't be more wrong. The more I read the book, the more anxious I became. I couldn't get it out of my head. The things the people did in that book and the drama that went along with it. Rodriguez was cheating on his wife with Stephanie the bar maid and everyone knew it, including Rodriguez's wife. She in turn was having an affair with the stable aid, but nobody knew about that. At the end of the story the husband and wife realized their mistakes and got back together. But not before they went through a whole bunch of emotional anguish and dirty deeds.

The plot was horrible and the subject matter was less than proper. Yet somebody had taken the time to translate this smutty book from English to Japanese. And worse yet, Asuka and I had both taken the time to read it front to cover. And when I was done with it, I couldn't look at Asuka the same way. I forgot how I was even looking at her before.

Asuka likewise seemed to look at me funny. When she would read the book, she'd stare at it intensely soaking in each word. Every now and then she'd look up at me and then look down at the book quickly in a way that made me nervous. And sometimes when she thought I wasn't looking, she'd just stare at me with this thoughtful look on her face as if she was contemplating what to do next. This scared me more than the quick glances because it invoked a sense of paranoia. I was almost certain that she'd pounce on me at any second and act out a scene from the book or something equally frightening. But whatever it was she was thinking she would not act upon it. She didn't' dare to make a move… at least not until we had both finished the book. That's when the trouble started.

Asuka "made her move" the day after she had finished reading that awful story. I'll remember that day for as long as I live. But it wasn't as bad as you think. The only thing that really got to me was the noises.

On that day we had just made a trip back from the city. We had gotten our usual supplies along with some other less essential needs. I had brought a crossword puzzle book and Asuka had gotten some perfume. At the time I had thought nothing of it. When we got back to the beach Asuka did something completely out of character. She asked me for permission.

"Shinji… do you mind if I try something?"

Of course I was afraid. How couldn't I be?

"Uh… like what?"

"Just something… different."

"Different like what?"

"Different like… different."

We were both silent for a while after that unsatisfactory answer. I was afraid to accept her offer and equally afraid to deny it. In my mind both roads seemed to lead to pain.

"Well… what do you say?" But she didn't seem to be waiting for my answer. She was moving closer to me. Taking up my space as she'd done countless times before.

"What are you going to do?" I asked, but I really wanted to ask, "What are you going to do to me".

"You'll see," she said and with no further words she moved in for the kill… I mean kiss.

Now you have to understand something before I continue.

We were both very bad kissers back then. So bad that we didn't know how bad we really were. If either one of us were to kiss anyone else we would have found out just how horrible we were. But there was no one else to kiss and therefore we continued to kiss badly.

But this time things were different. Asuka made them different. When our lips met she didn't just keep pushing her lips harder against mine she moved then. She moved them up and down and around in circles. And it felt… wonderful. Soon I was moving my lips with hers and I finally understood why people always are trying to kiss each other in movies and why there was so much romance in that book. And we kept on kissing each other for a while and Asuka didn't even have the urge to hurt my lips. My stomach was churning in a strange way and I couldn't really describe what I was feeling. When we broke apart I didn't know what to say. I said it anyways.

"That… was different."

"Yeah… it was."

"Did you feel… things?" You already know I'm not the greatest conversationalist.

"Yeah… I did."

There was silence between us for a while and we both just sat there looking at each other and trying to pretend we weren't looking at each other. Asuka broke the silence.

"You want to do that again?"

The answer to this question was yes. There was a slight part of me that disagreed. That part said that doing that again wouldn't be a smart move. That part said that doing that again could lead to wanting to do other things. That part was sadly in the minority.

"Ok," I said trying not to sound scared or eager or unsure, all of which I actually felt.

And we did that again. It only felt better the second time. We seemed to find a rhythm of sorts and were even working together. All those lessons my teachers had given about team work were finally paying off. But then Asuka had to ruin it all. She couldn't be content with our new discovery. She had to take things a little further. It's like the old saying goes "give her an inch and she'll take a mile".

What Asuka did next might not seem like a crime under normal circumstances, but believe me it was wrong. You do it every time you talk and every time you take a bite of food. But when Asuka did it, it was nothing short of pure evil. Asuka opened her mouth.

And when Asuka opened her mouth mine involuntarily opened as well. I was shocked at the fact that she was opening hers so naturally I opened my mouth to question her about it. But when I opened my mouth Asuka took that as a sign of weakness and decided to penetrate the point of weakness with her tongue.

Things got a little strange after that. I froze… badly. I kept on thinking "Asuka's tongue is in my mouth" over and over again. Only the rate at which this thought went through my mind was astounding. And each time the message repeated itself it seemed as if the same message was trailing right behind it. It got to the point were the messages ceased to be "Asuka's tongue is in my mouth" and started to be "Asuka'stongueisinmymouthAsuka'stongueisinmymouthAsuka'stongueisinmymouth" instead.

In what couldn't have been more than a second or two after Asuka made her bold intrusion, her tongue had started to make itself feel more at home. It moved around freely and arranged things to its liking. It even disrespected the current occupant of my mouth (my tongue) by rubbing up against it rudely and exciting it to anger. Well the current occupant wasn't going to have any of that so it attempted to push the offending freeloader out of its domain, but to no avail. The more my tongue pushed against hers the more she seemed to enjoy her intrusion.

The single thought running through my mind changed ever-so-slightly at this realization.

Instead of "Asuka'stongueisinmymouth" it changed to "Asuka'stongueisinmymouthandthere'snothingIcandoaboutit".

So for several long moments I fearfully struggled in vein to get Asuka out of me. I struggled and I struggled and she just seemed to enjoy it more and more. And she showed me just how much she enjoyed it by making a simple noise.

"ooooohhh," she moaned quietly against my lips.

I lost it in that moment. I completely lost control. That sound went through my body like a volt of electricity. It brought back that horrible all consuming fear that I had not felt since the first time Asuka held me in her arms. I realized in that what we were doing had to end and it had to end quickly. Before I knew what I was doing Asuka was on the ground next to me staring at me with an incredibly hurt look in her eyes and I was staring down at her in shock of what I had done.

"You pushed me," she said in disbelief.

"I didn't mean to…"

"You pushed me," she repeated again in similar tones.

"It was an accident…"

"You pushed me," she repeated in a tone of annoyance and anger.

"I'm sorry…"

"You pushed me," she said sadly in a voice that hurt me to listen to.

I felt horrible, but I kept quiet.

Neither of us spoke a worduntil the next day.

A/N: Sorry it's been so long since my last update. My social life has been quite hectic… in other words I actually have a social life now. But seriously, I've barely seen my home recently. I hope you guys aren't too upset about it because I've come to respect the Evangelion fan community. I posted 2 chapters of this story and got more hits and reviews than 6 chapters of a story posted in the FLCL section (which I'm not knocking). You guys rock. Hope you enjoy the chapter.

Fresh C