A/N: Yeah it's been a while. No excuses though. I'm just lazy for the most part. I was having a bit of trouble writing this story, but as usual if I sit in front of the monitor long enough it comes to me. This one's a bit darker than usual, so brace yourself for a bumpy ride. Enjoy!

I Never Knew

I never knew someone could be so cold.

She's so beautiful when she's sad, but when she's sad I'm sad.

She's even more beautiful when she's happy, but when she's happy somehow I'm still sad.

We're both sad now and it's all my fault. I can't make her happy. She can't even pretend anymore. When she looks at me she looks dead inside. She makes me want to cry.

She refused to sleep with me that night I pushed her. I even went over to her and tried to wrap my arm around her, but she quickly pushed me away. She threw one of the spare blue blankets at me and pointed to the other side of the tent, indicating that I should sleep there. I thought it would feel good being alone. I thought that's what I needed. But it was just cold. Even under my blanket it was so cold. I never knew sleeping alone could be so horrible, so absolutely horrible.

That night Asuka cried.

When morning came I woke up shivering. I had no blanket. Asuka was already outside eating breakfast by the fire. The fire she had started with my blanket.

"Why'd you burn my blanket?" I asked angrily.

"I needed to start the fire," she said with no emotion. Absolutely no emotion.

"But there were plenty of other blankets you could have used. Why'd you have to use mine?"

"Because."

"Because what?"

"Because it was your blanket."

She was so cold that I shivered. I literally shivered. The worst part was that she took no enjoyment out of it. It wasn't anger she was displaying at all. It was nothing. I never knew nothing could be so frightening.

I tried to make breakfast for myself but Asuka was eating out of the pan.

"Can I use the pan?" I asked timidly

"No, I'm eating out of the pan," came her empty reply.

"You could put it on a plate."

"Yeah, I could."

"Would you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because then you'd use the pan."

So cold… so very very cold.

"Why don't you want me to use the pan?" I asked feeling like dirt.

"Do you really want to know?"

"uh… yeah," I said timidly.

"I don't think you do," she said and she forked some more food into her mouth.

I didn't have the strength to ask her again. Not then.

It really hurt to hold a can of beans over an open flame in the hopes that they'll cook. The fire was oh-so-hot and a few times it felt like something on my arm had started to burn. When the can heated up I nearly dropped the beans in the fire, but through some turn of luck they landed a few inches away. The beans were still cold when I was done. Only the can had really absorbed any heat. But I wasn't crazy enough to try to cook it again. I had to accept it as it was. Cool Beans.

It wasn't so bad though. Cold food was better than no food. I was half-way done with the meal before Asuka came up to me. She looked me in the eyes and I thought she was going to kiss me again. I prepared myself not to freak out this time, no matter what she did. But what she didn't do was kiss me. She looked at me, then looked down at my food, then looked back at me again. Then she made circular movements with her mouth that seemed kind of odd for the situation, followed by a snorting sound. Before I could stop her or even figure out what she was doing, she hocked a loogie into my beans.

"Why'd you spit in my food?" I yelled in outrage.

"Because it was your food."

I put my head in my hands and cried patheticly, like a little kid who lost his mommy.

Asuka patted me on the back.

Her hands were cold.

I never knew life could be so lonely.

I thought I didn't need her attention. I thought I didn't want it. But I was wrong… so wrong.

Asuka asked me one question after I finished crying, but she asked it several times.

"Do you want to sleep outside or in the tent?" she asked.

"Why can't we both just sleep in the tent, there's plenty of room for both of us."

"Do you want to sleep outside or in the tent?"

"I want to sleep where you sleep."

"Do you want to sleep outside or in the tent?"

"Please don't make me leave." She sighed.

"Do you want to sleep outside or in the tent?"

"Why do I have to choose?"

"It's your tent. Do you want to sleep in it or would you rather sleep outside."

"I don't care, just pick what you want."

"Where do you want to sleep Shinji?"

"I said I don't care."

"It's your choice."

"I choose to let you choose."

"Just pick a frickin' place to sleep!" she yelled harshly showing the first signs of emotion I'd seen from her all day.

"I don't know what I want!"

"It's not rocket science."

"Well it's not easy either."

"Yes it is. You just pick what you like better. Either you want to be in the warm, comfortable tent or you want to be out in the cold. It's an easy choice."

"But they both have their strong points," I argued sensibly.

"What advantage is there to being outside?"

"Well there's the nice breeze to consider," I reasoned.

"It's freezing out here at night."

"And there's the wonderful feeling of the sand under you."

"Accompanied by rocks and debris."

"Plus the calming sounds of the water."

"Which you can hear inside the tent as well."

"Not to forget the endless amount of space."

Asuka seemed a bit ticked off at my last remark since she had no comeback. I had touched on a point that was irrefutable. But of course winning this little argument got me nowhere.

"Well if you love it so much out here then that's where you'll sleep," Asuka said coldly. Everything about her was just so cold.

"But I never said I wanted to sleep out here."

"What? So you want to sleep in the tent then?"

"I never said that either. I like them both."

I saw a dangerous look flash across Asuka's face. For a moment I thought she would hit me. But she calmed herself down quickly and when she spoke again it almost sounded as if she was pleading with me.

"Just sleep out here, ok."

"Alright," I said and Asuka went into the tent. She didn't come out for the rest of the day.

I went for a walk around the beach and thought about the past. The past was something I could always look back on to kill time. When I got back later in the evening, I grabbed a spare blanket from a shopping cart and laid down to go to sleep.

I love it outside.

The wind was blowing hard so I slept close to tent in order to shield myself from it. The waves of LCL were crashing lightly against the shore. The moon was out, but the sun had not yet completely fallen. The ground felt comfortable against me as I laid on my back gazing at the dark purple sky. As the minutes turned to hours I watched the appearance of each tiny star until there were just too many to count.

I had to wonder if there was anything so wonderful happening in that tent. What could possibly be worth giving up this for? But the thought only briefly crossed my mind. It ended quickly when I heard Asuka begin to cry again. I wanted her to stop. I didn't want to comfort her. She probably wouldn't have let me. But I just wanted to stop. I wanted to be near her again. Just to be near someone, anyone. And yeah, I know what you're thinking. She was right inside the tent. Probably no more than a foot from me in proximity. But even though she was so close I don't think she could have ever been further away.

I hate it outside.

I knew that Shinji was just a boy. Everything from his scrawny body to his round little face screamed it. But somehow, someway I had come to think he was something just a little bit more.

I think it was his determination that did it. The boy could almost never make up his mind, but when he did he stuck to it. And even when it seemed impossible he wouldn't give in. He always came out alive. At first it didn't make any sense to me. How does he succeed when he doesn't even care? Was he really that talented? Was there something he knew that I didn't?

But soon I came to realize that that was just how Shinji was. He couldn't lose because if he lost he'd die and if he died then he would have lived for nothing. Nothing is what drove him. Nothing is what he feared. The shear possibility that there could be a world where he did not exist was puzzling to him. The chance that he could no longer exist in a world was frightening. Heck, it's scary to me too.

So he fought and he fought until he couldn't fight anymore. Because of him, now we're here. And all we can do is exist, but not together. After all the battles he's won and all the struggles he's been through he couldn't take one more. Just one little fight in the grand scheme of things that really could mean the world. All he has to do is try and he'll win. But he won't fight anymore. He makes it seem as if he can't. It just doesn't make since. Did you know he once saved my life?

I never thought he wouldn't fight for me.

"Why do you keep doing this?" he asked after I knocked his shopping cart over. I just shrugged.

He had just returned from supply run in the city. He was gone all day and he left without a word. I thought he wasn't coming back. I was not relieved to see him.

"Is this about the other day?" he asked. "I said I'm sorry ok. I'll do better. I'll let you do whatever you want in my mouth. I don't care. Just don't be mean to me anymore. Ok?"

"No," I said and walked away. He just didn't understand. It was more than that. It was nothing. He continued to do nothing. So can you blame me when I poured water on his head in the middle of the night? Can you? I thought not.

"Asuka why!" he yelled more than asked. I almost felt sorry for him, but I couldn't pity him anymore than I already pitied myself. I just stayed quiet and looked him in the eyes. His eyes were red from exhaustion. The way he looked at me I thought he would hit me.

"Just… stop… please. I don't want it to be like this, ok? Can't we just live nicely? I'm sorry ok. I'll do whatever you want. Just don't be like that. Ok? Please be nice to me… ok?"

"No," I said and walked away. I heard him trying to suppress a sob as I left. I'd really hurt him, almost as much as he'd hurt me. The knowledge didn't make me happy, but I faintly recognized that it should have. It was a start I guess. I knew I'd just have to hurt him more.

The next day he went to bathe in a lake that we'd found a few miles away. I followed him and stole his clothes when he wasn't looking. I nearly ran the whole way home, hoping he wouldn't notice and he didn't. When I got back I lit up a blanket and started the fire again. Then I just waited. Timing was the key. I knew he'd be back soon and I had to be ready. He walked back to our little beach camp wearing nothing but a towel and blushing all over. I stood by the fire with his clothes in my hand. As soon as he spotted me I dropped them into fire.

"Will you leave me alone Asuka!" he cried out in a high-pitched voice strained with annoyance. I don't know how I ever thought he could be a man. He sounded like a girl. A little girl who lost her doll. He made me sick, but I couldn't feel anything.

"What the heck do I have to do for you Asuka?" he asked after taking several deep breaths. His voice had returned to normal, but his face looked distressed. "I want to make this right! Can't things just go back to the way they were?"

"No," I said and began to walk away. That's when he grabbed my wrist and turned me around. And I was so shocked I almost yelled. But when I realized what was happening I couldn't believe it. He was finally going to do it. He was finally going to fight. But I was wrong.

"Please just tell me what you want," he pleaded as he clutched onto my hand like a child would his mother. He was so pathetic in that moment I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to look at him.

"No," I said and tried to pull away, but he held on desperately.

"At least tell me why. Tell me why you're doing it."

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yes! Please just tell me."

This time I believed him. I knew he wanted to know, but he was so weak and sad that it didn't even matter. He wasn't fighting. He was surrendering. I knew it would be more merciful to just not tell him the truth. But I took no prisoners.

"Fine Shinji. I'll tell you. I'm doing this because you're you Shinji." I paused and thought about exactly how to explain it. "You're weak Shinji. And your pathetic. You won't stop me so you can't stop me. That's why I'm going to keep on ruining your life. Because you ruined mine." I was barely aware of him releasing my hand.

"I didn't mean t-"

"Shut up Shinji," I said quite calmly. He had wanted to know so he needed to know the whole thing. "I didn't want anything Shinji. I didn't want anything but you. But you clearly don't want me, so I'm returning the favor."

"But I do wan-"

"Shut up. I tried to give you everything I had to offer and you rejected me every step of the way. So now I can't live peacefully with you. If you're going to hurt me, I have to hurt you."

"I'm not trying to hu-"

"Shut up. I don't like it though. I don't like doing this at all. I don't want to hurt you."

"Then why don't you just stop?" he begged more than asked.

"Because you hurt me Shinji and now I hate you."

His face looked so torn after I told him that. It was like staring at a completely different person. I heard him choke on a sob. Then another one. Soon he was outright weeping. He was hurt, so badly. Much worse than he'd ever hurt me. And I knew that the merciful thing would be to leave him alone so he could lick his wounds. But I couldn't do that… I just couldn't. I put my arm around him and tried to embrace him in a hug. He tried to turn away, but I wouldn't let him. I wrapped both arms around him and brought him so that his head rested on my shoulder. He cried even harder and I knew that he was hurting worse.

But for some reason I didn't understand, I wasn't happy. I had inflicted a pain upon him far worse than I'd have thought possible, yet still I wasn't satisfied. I wondered if any amount of suffering would be enough.

I never knew I could be hated so completely.

There comes a point in your life when you just can't cry anymore. Asuka pushed me there because she had to. I understood that. I really did. At the time, I thought she was right. I had to deserve it. There was no reason she wouldn't hate me. I let her die once. I proved to her that I didn't need her. I proved to her that no one needed her.

I spit in her food, I poured water on her head, I knocked her down, I burned her clothes, and I did it with just as little feeling as she does to me. It's almost funny how these things come full circle. I thought that she was being unfair, really I did. But how many times had she cried herself to sleep and I didn't know about it. How many times had she cried herself to sleep while I knew about it? I deserved to pay. Of course I did. That's why I didn't run away.

I didn't catch her wrists when she slapped me. I didn't put up my hand to block her punches. I slept outside even when it rained. I walked to the city wearing nothing but a towel, just to get new clothes for the girl to burn. I allowed Asuka to punish me in every possible way her mind could conceive. My life was penance. Penance for what I'd done to her. Penance for the world I had created. Penance for every second I'd allowed anyone to suffer.

But I just couldn't cry anymore. It never stopped hurting, but I couldn't show it. I couldn't let Asuka see the pain she caused me anymore even though I felt it. She wanted to see it though and I really wanted to show it to her, but I just couldn't and that made me feel even worse. She still cried at night and that was my punishment too. I knew that I was really only hurting her more by not showing my hurt.

I started thinking, what good am I if I can't even show the pain I'm in. Asuka needed to see me hurt, but I just couldn't show her. What penance was that? I had one purpose left in life and I couldn't even fulfill that. I wasn't just pathetic and weak. I was worthless, absolutely worthless.

I started to think dark thoughts… well darker thoughts. I started to wonder if Asuka would be better without me. Did such a beautiful girl deserve to have to hate me so much? She didn't want to be mean and I was turning her into something she didn't deserve to be.

And I thought, what if I just… ended it all. What if I just kind of went away. She'd never have to know what happened. Maybe I'd just go off into some abandoned house in the city find a nice sharp knife and just… well you know the rest. But maybe that was too easy. I wouldn't be suffering enough. Maybe if I went off into some forest or something with no food or water and just stop existing. I could watch myself slowly waste away knowing that if I really wanted to I could end the pain. Just like I could have ended Asuka's pain. That way we'd be even. And maybe, just maybe she'd smile again.

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a good idea. It really seemed like the only idea. I couldn't let Asuka hate me anymore. It was tearing her up. I couldn't be the cause of her suffering.

So I went to the city one day and got some paper, a pencil and a roll of scotch tape. I stayed there for a while and just thought about all I'd be missing when I died. It was a good thing to know that everything that I enjoyed about the world would be taken from me. It was just one more way that I could suffer. The sadness that such reflection caused brought joy to my heart and I knew without a doubt that I was doing the right thing. After a while I wrote a note. It was a note to Asuka. A simple note written in German so that I could be sure she could read it. The grammar was probably way off since I only used a Japanese-German dictionary as my translator, but I'm sure she'd be able to figure it out.

The note read as follows:

I'm sorry I've hurt you. I didn't want to make you hate me, but I did. For that I understand that I can never be forgiven. I don't want to be forgiven anymore. I just want to make amends. I'm leaving you, so that I might die. I hope you can be happy. Where I'm going I'll never hurt you again.

Shinji

It was funny writing those words down. It somehow made it all seem so much more real. I wouldn't live anymore. I'd be nothing. I'd have nothing. But nothing is exactly what I deserved, so I'd take it. I kind of felt bad about my decision as well. I'd be dooming humanity once and for all. I neglected to leave a bun in the oven. Oh well, just one more sin for which to atone. That's how things had to be.

When I got back to the beach it was well past dark. The stars were shining brightly in the sky. The moon shone red. It was the perfect setting for a man to soon be dead.

I walked quietly up to Asuka's tent and taped my note on with a piece of scotch tape. I didn't need to be too quiet because Asuka was still crying that night. It was the only sound that could be heard over the crashing of the waves.

I turned to leave and couldn't stop myself from whispering, "goodbye Asuka" quietly into the wind. It felt like the right thing to do. I waited quietly for any response and was only met with crying.

The girl just kept crying. And I didn't understand it. Didn't she know that I was trying my hardest to hurt for her? She had to know that I was slowly dying for her. I mean I understood that she wasn't aware of my plan, but nothing seemed to satisfy her. Why couldn't she just rejoice in my sufferings? I didn't know what else I could do. Nothing made any sense.

Before I knew what I was doing I found myself marching back toward the tent. It couldn't end like this. It could not. I unzipped the tent entrance and walked inside to find her still crying on the floor.

"What the heck is wrong with you?" I yelled at her. She looked up at me and suddenly stopped crying. "You should be smiling. I'm in pain. I'm suffering. I'm getting what I deserve. This is what you wanted. Can't you see that I'm trying? This is the best I can do for you."

"I never wanted this," she said looking so empty inside that I wondered where the tears could come from.

"But you said-" I began, but I was cut off.

"Forget what I said. I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of seeing you suffer."

"I'll leave then… ok? Will that make you happy?"

"No," she said bitterly and for some unexplained reason I really felt like hitting her. All my planning was for nothing. It seemed there was nothing I could ever do right for her.

"Then what do you want? I said I'll do anything. I mean it. I don't care how miserable it makes me. I'll do it."

"I just want you to… have what you want. What do you want Shinji? Really what do you want?"

I wonder if Asuka knew how wrong it was for her to turn the tables on me like that. I debated upon employing the ancient rule of "I asked you first" but thought better of it. This had to end… one way or the other. We couldn't go on like this.

"I don't know Asuka." That was all I could say and I wanted to shoot myself.

"Think Shinji. Just think. Do you want to live?"

"I think so… I don't want to die."

"Do you want to be here, on the beach?"

"It's good I guess, but there could be some place better."

"Do you want… do you want me?"

I didn't know what to say. I didn't have a clue.

"Well, do you?" she asked again. In that moment I saw something in her eyes. Buried beneath all the emptiness there was something else, but if you didn't pay attention it was easy to miss. In her eyes there was fear. Fear and a little of something else… maybe it was hope.

"I don't… not want you."

"Shinji come on! Just choose! Either you want me or you don't."

"Well you're beautiful and you can be very nice when you want to be, but I've done you wrong so it can't work can it?"

"I don't care if it can work or if it can't!" she was nearly yelling at me. "Just say yes or no!"

"I like it when I'm by you, but it scares me when I'm near you. I don't want to leave… but I don't want to get close."

"You can't have it both ways!" she yelled so loud that I nearly jumped.

"But that's what I want…"

My words were greeted with silence and neither of us knew what to say. Just when it seemed we were finally going to get somewhere it all stopped. Not a sound was made and neither of us moved. Time froze over.

I never knew one decision could be so hard.

I never knew…

A/N: You'll be surprised to find out that I wrote the majority of this chapter while I was in a relatively good mood. However, my good mood sort of went on suspension when I got to the end parts and did not return until I had successfully finished typing the story. It got kind of dark somewhere along the line, but I hope that it retained just a little bit of funny as well. At least in the beginning anyways. Don't blame me if you miss the humor though. I don't write this story. It writes itself. Thanks for reading.

Fresh C

P.S.- Let me know what your feelings are on me using Asuka's point of view. I hope the Angst wasn't too overpowering.