Chapter 5

Nights were not kind to Wolverine and this night was not an exception. If at all it was more full of torment than those plagued with nightmares of a past he hardly remembered, and he was not even asleep. How could he fall asleep when every time he closed his eyes her face kept coming to his mind? But it was not only her face. It was her body, her hair, her eyes, her voice, her smell…Storm had taken command of his mind and his soul. Normally, he wouldn't try to push the thoughts of a beautiful woman out of his mind, but they were overwhelming him. And it wasn't just that, he was reliving the entire day over and over. Sometimes feeling confused, sometimes feeling sad and disappointed, but most of the time feeling angry, and as was typical of him, his anger was directed at Cyclops. However, he also spent the day working and even with his healing factor, he needed to rest and he needed to sleep. If only he could clear his thoughts.

Clear skies and nothing but royal blue as far as the eye can see. Or is it cobalt? Perhaps cerulean… I don't know. I just know it is the color of her eyes and it holds the same bright light. The sun shines down on the earth uninterrupted by clouds and the wind blows gently, caressing everything in its path and carrying with it the scent of wild flowers. I have seen this many times in my life on the open road and I have felt every fiber of my wild side vibrate within me with ecstasy, feeling the freedom that lies beyond the prison that is my mind.

I don't know how old I am. Sometimes I feel I'm too old to keep on going. Sometimes, when life finds a way to teach me yet another lesson, not old enough. But right now, I feel like a damn teenager. I've become a mass of confused thoughts and feelings. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew where I was going. But all of a sudden, like a force of nature, she changed all that. And she is a force of nature. She is nature. The way she is, the way she feels nature reflects and that is how I find myself learning something new; a new way of seeing a perfect day. The blue sky is her eyes looking at me, her smile the sun that tans my skin, the wind her hands that nurture me and brings me her scent, my mind free, and yet my heart a prisoner of her spell. How could I not be confused? I'm no longer me, the tough guy who guts first and ask questions never, but I find that I don't care. She will also teach me many lessons and I want to learn.

Wolverine left his bed. He couldn't stand it anymore. The more he tried to clear his thoughts, the more he went back to thinking about Storm. Daydreaming, Jesus Christ, he was daydreaming now? And when the hell had he become so sentimental? If trying not to think was not working, perhaps he could tire himself to sleep. Like a creature of the night, Wolverine started to make his way towards the danger room to try and get rid of the stress he was under. He needed to calm his nerves, his anxiety and his anger, since being so unnerved was not a state he liked to be in. He walked with purpose down the halls of the dark mansion concentrating in what he needed to do, not paying attention to the route he knew by heart. His feet braved the cold floor, his hands were itching to take on any challenge, his mind yearning to be freed of any thought, but then he needed to answer a very important question. How the hell did I end up here? Coming to a halt and taking notice of his surroundings he found himself at the foot of the stairwell leading to Storm's loft.

Wolverine looked up the stairs for a long time just wondering too many things at the same time to make any sense of them. He sat on a step and rested his head on his hands accepting defeat. He just couldn't escape what was happening to him, but most importantly, he couldn't escape her. He felt the confusion and the uneasiness coming back to him and that made him angry. So much indeed that his claws came out and he felt more than ready to cause some destruction, but he stopped himself. Not here, not now. He wouldn't dare interrupt her peaceful dreams after the day she had had. He wasn't sure what was with Cyclops and Storm, but he didn't need to be psychic to know she was upset about something and that he was the cause. If only I could have an interrogation session with 'beam guy'. If only he had the guts to ask her. He looked up the stairs again this time resting his head against the wall and let his mind wander back to the scenes that were haunting him.

It was already past noon. The day was halfway gone and amazingly the work was also halfway done. It was one of the advantages of living on a mansion full of people with special abilities; they could all put them to good use. His abilities however, on this specific day were a burden. Even his healing factor was not needed to recuperate from the exhaustion caused by working almost nonstop on a sunny day. And a sunny day it was, but it was not hot at all. In fact, it was a very pleasant day with cool breeze constantly keeping them fresh. Storm had seen to that. Praised be the goddess, the weather goddess that is. But the fact was that he couldn't turn off any of his abilities and so he was too aware of everything that went on around him and circumstances were having a field day with him.

Outside the mansion, Wolverine was piling up debris left behind by their unwanted visitors to be taken out with the trash, or perhaps they could come up with some creative way to get rid of it. All of a sudden he noticed that the air around him became even cooler. He looked around but saw nothing. Smelled the air but again nothing, yet he knew she was coming. "Looking for me?" His head jerked up in an instant and in time to see Storm descending to the ground with a tray of beverages. "I think I got you this time."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did. You were surprised to see me." Storm insisted with a playful smile on her face.

"I was not." Wolverine said on a serious tone as if his reputation was on the line, but almost immediately softened it realizing Storm was just teasing him. "I didn't know you were so sneaky." He said taking a glass from the tray she was offering him.

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me, Logan." This caused him to arch an eyebrow and a bad boy like smile formed on his lips.

"Then perhaps you could tell me a thing or two." He said never changing his expression. That was until he took a sip of his glass and his face became contorted with disgust, almost making him spit out what he was drinking. "Lemonade?" He asked outraged.

"What? Were you expecting something else?" Storm asked smiling inwardly.

"You're damn right. Where the hell is my beer?" He said putting the glass back on the tray with a little extra force to make his point. Storm took the glass and offered it to him again, but he just let her hand hang in the air.

"People drink orange juice in the morning and lemonade in a day like this. They do not have beer for breakfast and at every chance they get. It is not good for you, this is." Wolverine didn't move. "Come on, take it. It is not going to kill you." Their eyes met. His were mad and reluctant. Hers were persistent and too damn beautiful to resist so he took the glass from her still extended hand, however, scarcely deigned. "You will learn to appreciate it. I promise you." With a radiant smile and giving him a wink she left the same way she came, carried by the wind. Wolverine was waiting for her to be far enough to throw the juice away when he noticed that the temperature was rising. "Well, well, she is sneaky and manipulative. I like it!" He said to himself smiling. He gestured with the glass towards the mansion like making a toast and then drank the lemonade.

Coming back to the present, Wolverine found himself feeling delight at the thought of Storm having a little bit of a wild side herself. He couldn't imagine how a woman like her didn't have someone in her life. She was so beautiful, intelligent, sweet…I could go on. Maybe it is her powers. What normal guy would feel man enough to be with a woman who can destroy entire cities with one thought? Of course, that is if he can get past the hate people feel for all the mutants. Not any guy he knew, and she would surely tell him about her true identity. Only a fellow mutant could have a chance with a woman like Storm. Wolverine shifted on the step suddenly feeling very upset. The last thought made him remember a disconcerting occurrence between Storm and Cyclops of which he caught too little, perhaps too much, but definitely enough to make his insides twist with disappointment and anger. Mostly he just couldn't believe it and didn't want to believe it. Wolverine stood up and started pacing in front of the flight of stairs remembering…

"Come to me, my love." Wolverine said to the beer he was taking out of the fridge. He was finally going to get himself a 'decent' drink. Sorry, Storm, but this is what I like. He thought while downing almost the entire beer in one gulp. He heard voices coming from somewhere, but he just tuned them out. He finished the beer in his hand and grabbed another from the fridge. The voices kept coming to his hears, but this time he paid attention recognizing Storm's voice and then, Cyclops'. The empty can of beer he still held in his hand was immediately crunched into a ball. Wolverine tossed the empty can into the trash and opened the other one. Then, he started to silently walk towards the voices, finally making out what they were saying, but all of a sudden, wishing he hadn't.

"Scott please, do not ask this of me." Storm pleaded with the X-Men leader.

"Come on 'Ro. I need you." Cyclops' voice was firm but his tone was less than demanding. And they were talking almost in whispers.

"Do not make me do this right now. You know how I am feeling. Besides, what about Jean? She could…"

"Forget Jean. You know she is hurt and I'm giving her time until she feels better. It's not the same with her. It has to be you. I need this, and I know you need this too. It has always been you and me, Storm. We can't lose what we have. Do you know what I mean?" Cyclops' voice went even lower in volume with his last sentence. There was a long pause. Wolverine peeked from behind the corner and looked at them. He was not surprised and yet disappointed at seeing them in what it seemed to him an intimate embrace. Not sure if he was going to be able to contain himself if he kept watching them, he went behind the wall again. Shortly after, Cyclops resumed talking. "Look, you know I don't want to pressure you, but I'm doing this for us. Just promise me that you'll think about it." Say no, Storm, please, say no. Wolverine held his breath as if Storm's next words were going to define the rest of his life. His eyes were closed and he braced himself for the worst. He was never about hope.

"I promise, Scott. I will let you know soon and, thank you for showing that you still need me." Never about hope. He stood still. The sound of steps going away was unimportant. Those words were going to haunt him forever. He finally opened his eyes, the image of the embrace in his mind blurring what he was actually seeing. Wolverine walked out of the mansion slowly, the beer forgotten on some table he found on his way. For the first time in what seemed like forever, he was really sad. He felt sad for Jean, sad for Storm, and sad for himself. Why? His mind wondered for a moment. Damn it, because I really care. Oh Storm…

Later…

"You look like a lost soul. Mind if I join you?" Jean stood next to Wolverine who was outside smoking, too upset to even care about the Professor's warning. Jean please, just go away and leave me alone. Damn, I hope she didn't hear that. Like I said, damn telepacrap! "Well?" Jean insisted. Wolverine sighed.

"Fine, but I should warn you, you'd probably be safer elsewhere. Or at least you should be elsewhere." He said not looking at her.

"All right, Logan, I've had enough of your riddles. If you have something to say just say it. Where is it you think I oughta be? Who is it you think I should be keeping track of? And what the hell is going on with you today?" Jean's mood made a hundred and eighty-degree turn in a second and this prompted him to finally look at her. However, his mood was one to match hers.

"Listen, Red…"

"Don't call me red."

"Fine, Dr. Grey! Why are you so interested in me all of a sudden? I thought you were head over heels for 'stick boy'."

"Watch it, Logan!"

"And speaking of the devil," Wolverine continued ignoring her curt tone of voice, "do you know where he is right now, Dr. Grey?" His tone was just as curt. Jean looked at him through narrowed eyes. She looked so upset. This was definitely not the kind of conversation he would picture them ever having.

"This is not about Scott and me, or about me and you. I just know that something's been bothering you all day, but pardon me for wanting to help." She started to walk away.

"You are wrong. This is about you and him and…"

"I thought I made things very clear for you, Logan. I love Scott, we belong together and that is the end of it." She said turning back but not moving closer.

"Does he know that?" The question was full of sarcasm.

"I don't know what game you're playing, Logan, but I'd stop it if I were you." Her gaze was now mean. He could tell he had just gone to her bad graces, but he refused to back down.

"I'm not the one playing games. Just answer my question. Do you know where he is right now?" Why am I doing this to her?

"Well, if only to know where are you going with this. He is with Ororo finishing up some..."

"But of course he is." Wolverine said cutting her off, a mock of a smile forming on his face.

"What are you saying?" Was that pain in her voice? He remained silent for a minute immediately feeling the weight of sacred lines crossed.

"I'm sorry Jean. This is none of my business, and please, stay away from mine." He said suddenly feeling guilty for what he had just done and walked away leaving her mad and confused.

Oh Jeanie, why did I do that? Wolverine rubbed his face hard in frustration. He had allowed his temper to get the better of him and had hurt someone he cared about so much. He has been mad at himself for that since. He was mad at himself, mad at Cyclops, at the whole damn situation; at times, even questioning his decision to come back to the X-Men and sticking around. He knew why he came back. He came back for Jean, and he came back to see if the Professor could help him find some answers about what had happened to him. But now those reasons were gone. When he decided to stay and fight along side the X-Men, he was pretty much giving up on his past. And Jean…

Wolverine looked up again. This time the distance to Storm's loft was shorter. He had gone halfway up and was now sitting on the landing of the stairs, unconsciously perhaps? Trying to reach the unreachable. He was so close to her and yet so far. The physical distance playing no part. "It hurts a little." Wolverine whispered and then laughed at himself. He was jumping from one emotion to the other in the blink of an eye. His emotions were reflecting his thoughts. From thinking of Jean and feeling guilty to thinking of Storm and feeling…just so damn much. It hurt a little.

"It hurts a little." Storm said sounding almost sad.

"What?" He responded without stopping the continuous slashing that he was giving to the tree bark.

"What you are doing. It hurts a little that you are taking your frustrations out on this tree. Surely it is not the root of your problems." They were both aware of the pun but neither was laughing.

"You got that right, darlin'." There wasn't even a look or a pause in his actions. Storm approached him and gently touched his hand just shy of the gash made by the protruding of his claws. Her touch made him freeze.

"I am not kidding, Logan. It hurts a little. As you know, I am connected to nature and nature to me. Even these trees speak to me through the elements they interact with. They wonder why you have chosen to hurt them and want you to stop. So do I." Wolverine looked at her surprised, then lowered his gaze.

"Sorry. I didn't know." He backed away and retracted his claws suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.

"Perhaps you should try talking to someone." His demeanor immediately spoke of reluctance. She might've noticed, but it didn't faze her. "Logan, we are more than a group of unwanted superheroes. We are a family and we have learned to rely on each other. Clearly you do not get along with Scott," At the mention of his name he became even more tense, especially coming from her lips. "and I just saw Jean. Apparently you two had a, shall we say, bump in the road. But I am here. It would be nice to be noticed once on a while." Wolverine let out a big chuckle. This day, of all days, that I've been noticing every single thing she's done she dares say that. "Did I say something funny? All right fine, it is quite obvious you do not take me seriously. I am sorry I asked." Storm started to leave and she looked hurt. His actions were more out of reflex when he grabbed her with both hands by her arms turning her around to face him, keeping her from leaving. Perhaps he should have let her go.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad or anything. I do take you seriously, you don't know how much." Oh shit, did I say that out loud? She looked at him confused and he started to panic. He needed to say something and soon.

"What do you mean by that, Logan?" I'm thinking! What a fucking idiot I am. If I could I would be kicking my stainless adamantium ass until next Christmas. "Logan?"

"What I mean is that I'm not good at showing that I care, I mean, that I pay attention, but I do, and because of that you don't know how much I take you seriously, because I don't show it." Wolverine finally stammered, all the while studying her face to see if she was buying his explanation. Storm frowned, but let it go.

"I see. Well, if that is the case then talk to me. Maybe I can help but first, would you let go of me?" She said looking down at his hands that were still holding her. His eyes followed hers and he immediately took his hands off of her and put some distance between them. "Thank you." She said smiling for the first time since their conversation started.

"Sorry, Storm, but I don't think you can help me with this." Definitely not by just talking to me. You would need to do much more than that. Like dumping 'red eye'. "Besides, I'm just too angry right now to have a sane conversation with anyone."

"Is that what happened with Jean?" She inquired softly, like not wanting to pry yet wanting to know just the same. A thought occurred to him. Did she want to just know, or did she need to know? If he wasn't going to pursue Jean anymore, was that going to affect her relationship with the 'leader of the 'x harem'? Some friend you are Storm! "Logan?" The thought was causing his bad temper to raise again and it gave him the courage to find out.

"Why do you ask? Would it make things easier for you if Jean and I were the best of buddies? It would sure keep her entertained." His words were bitter and loud, and unfortunately for him, impossible to take back no matter how much he wanted to. Storm was shocked by the sudden change in his behavior and was becoming a little angry herself.

"What do you mean by that? I am sure you can understand that it is better for all of us to get along. Whatever you and Jean have is none of my business, but it will also not help matters." Storm moved closer to him to look at his face. "Is that what is bothering you? She made a decision and you can not deal with it, can you?"

"And what about you? Can you deal with her decision?" He said closing the gap a little more. "Then again, I'm sure you'll find a way to work around that." Their conversation was turning more heated by the second. His hard face and closed fists were expressions of his anger. The distant but growing ferocious rumble of the thunder and the darkening heavens were hers.

"I do not understand what you are implying. Jean is right. You are unrecognizable today and down right impossible. I came here to offer a hand, to listen, to try and help you, connect with you. You like to think of yourself as a loner, but here you do not have to be alone. We are here with you. I am here. Not because I was told to or because I have to, but because I care. I care about you. And I wish you could care about…us, all of us. Jean is not the only one who can…" She silenced herself, and with her silence the heavens above became calmer, clearer, normal. "She is not the only one." A furious gust of wind came to them and lifted her up. Fallen leaves levitated above his head and he narrowed his eyes to keep anything from falling into them. He wanted to say something, do something, but he didn't move and then, she was gone. Nature was part of Storm and he was left alone in it. In these woods that were part of the mansion's terrain, he came to find solitude and sometimes solace. It was becoming his sanctuary, but right now he felt unwelcome. He figured nature felt as she did, so he left. But he didn't just leave; he followed. He didn't want to have to explain himself why. He just knew that he couldn't lose her even though he didn't have her. Her words were confusing him. She really didn't know what he was talking about. How could that be possible? After all that he'd seen and heard. Could I be wrong? He dared not allow himself to hope, but he kept running. Of all the things that were said, only four words were pushing him to keep going, to try and fix the mess he had just made. Four words that put the awful day on a whole new perspective for him. 'I care about you.' She cared about him. He ran and looked, but he didn't find her. Wind-rider, where have your winds taken you? He had no answer.

Wolverine made his way to Storm's loft and crouched by the door gently putting a bunch of wild flowers on the floor. He looked at the note one last time and studied the words unsure if they were enough, or perhaps too much. 'I'm sorry 'Ro. I'll take your hand, I need your ear. I need you.' He was certain of one thing; they were the truth.

I know you got my note, Storm. I think you're still too angry with me to let me down that easily. But if all I've heard about you is true, I know you'll forgive me. Right now it all feels like wishful thinking, but I have to believe it. How different would all be. How different would all feel, smell, taste…if you were mine, if you were with me, if you could love me. You'd breathe new life into me. I wouldn't care about my enigmatic past with you in my future. I would give up everything, give everything without regrets. I would strive to make myself worthy of you, a better man because of you. The very waves of time I'd halt to be able to give you eternal love, and yet I know you will always give me more than I can ever offer. I long to lose myself in your arms and be protected by your rivers of calmness. Your inner strength would be enough to break down the walls that imprison me. The light of your soul would erase the nightmares and I would be free to dream. And I know your love would save me. You would be my tempest and my calm, the one who leads and follows, and would always be by my side. This man would never be anything but whole if you could love me.

Wolverine realized that it was not just wishful thinking. He had spent the whole day trying not to reach this moment, trying not to face himself. How far can a man run from the truth that is in his heart? He loved her. It was as simple as that. The moment he stopped pretending he felt free. The moment he started accepting it he felt happy. The thought of her, her presence that he could feel even out here on the stairwell had finally given him enough peace to fall asleep. But she was always going to be with him because she was in his heart and he was never going to let her go.

To be continued…