I think I'll just start with a good ol' apology. You guys really don't know how sorry I am for making you wait almost three months for an update. I actually WAS going to update on Wednesday or Thursday, but I wasn't even able to get to the login screen. But now that its fixed I'm able to do all that and more.

So, enjoy the update. This might be one of my lengthier ones for a while.

Disclaimer: All of the 1-800 characters belong to the one and only Meg Cabot.

Whenever

Chapter 9

The next few days I faked sick for school. Its not like I really had to try though. My parents totally bought it.

And after they went off to work, I bawled my eyes out. I just couldn't take the pain that was suddenly overwhelming me. The betrayal that I felt. It was just unbearable.

When you trust someone so much and then all of a sudden, they up and lie to you right to your face and act like its not even a big deal . . . well, then I guess you would feel what I was then.

Rob even tried calling me a few times. But after I said, "Fuck off," every single time, he didn't call anymore. And, well, that hurt too. That he wasn't even trying. Doesn't he know that I was just doing that because I was mad? That I didn't even mean any of it?

I guess not.

And that made me believe that everything we had . . . it was all a lie. All of it. That thought only just made my cry harder.

To be cliché: My heart was ripped in half. It ached from the sudden damage done to it. And I couldn't do a thing about it. Only time could heal it, I guess.

Once my parents came home again, I tried to look a little more presentable. But even if I didn't, they would just assume that I was still feeling — and looking — sick as ever.

I didn't know what to do with myself — how to deal with all of this. I hadn't ever had anything like this happen to me, never felt this way before, and I didn't know how to handle it.

I wanted the feelings to go away, so I could live my life again. But they wouldn't. It was like they suddenly owned me and were controlling my every move and thought.

By the third day I wasn't in school, Ruth started to get worried. She came over my house, asking what the hell was wrong with me.

And then when she got a good look at me, she cried, "Dammit!"

I looked at her in shock. Ruth never curses, unless its something huge. And I really didn't think seeing how a mess I was, was that big of a deal.

Casting her a curious look, I asked, "What?"

"It's him, isn't it?" she asked, almost vehemently. "He's done this to you, hasn't he? Just when I finally started to trust him, too!"

I tried to stop her ranting, but she just kept going on and on. So I had to resort to yelling. "Ruth!" I practically screamed, "Shut UP!"

Well, that got her to shut up, all right. She just looked at me and blinked. "What?"

"Look, Ruth, I'm not gonna lie to you about this. Yes, it was Rob, but . . . its my fault, too. I can't help but shake the feeling that this isn't what it looks to be. I just—"

"—don't know what to do," she finished for me.

I nodded. "Exactly," I said, flopping down on my just made bed. Hey, I had nothing better to do with my free time at home.

"Well," she said, taking a seat down next to me, "you wanna tell me what happened?"

I contemplated it. Should I tell her what happened? Would she just do what I think she would do and say "I told you so," like it was nothing?

No. Ruth was my best friend. She would never do that if I was hurting this much. She knew better than that.

But I knew that she was right and I was wrong. That's what really had me feeling horrible at that moment. That she was right all along and I just didn't listen to her.

So I did tell her. Everything. Everything from the way he was acting weird to what happened when I ran over to his house and what I saw happening there, and then what happened afterwards.

And by the time I was done telling her, I was crying. I didn't mean for that to happen, I guess the feelings were just overwhelming. That everything went downhill so fast.

"Jess," I heard Ruth say. Her voice was soft, like she was trying to comfort me.

No one could comfort me now. There was only one person that ever could. Its kind of ironic, I guess, that he was the person that caused my needing of comfort.

"I'm fine," I said, before she started saying anything else, which she was bound to do. "Look, I just want to be alone, okay?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Alone, Jess?" she sneered. "You've been alone for THREE days! Probably even longer. Sitting in your room all alone isn't going to help anything, Jess, and you know that."

When I looked down ashamedly, she continued. "You're letting him get to you, Jess. You can't let that happen. I know he hurt you badly, but you have to move past that, forget about it. Life is going to give you a lot of heartbreaks, Jess."

I looked up, then, angry. "Oh, yeah?" I said heatedly. "How would you know? Everything has been perfect for you, lately. Everything! You don't know what this feels like!"

She shrunk back a little bit, next to the wall. I didn't really blame her. I can be very scary when I'm mad. "I know," she said quietly. "But that doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about. I mean, look at my brother, he was obsessed with you, Jess, and you never even gave him the time of day. He got over it, though."

"But," I heard myself say, almost inaudibly, "he didn't give up his virginity to the person he loved."

She looked at me for a few moments. I didn't really see her doing it, more like felt it. Felt her gaze boring into me like the rays of a Florida sun. "Oh, Jess," she said after a few moments, and she enveloped me into a hug.

Normally I would attest to that kind of thing, but it felt so comforting, then, that I didn't even care.

After a few minutes, I pulled away and wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt. "I'm sorry," I said.

She shook her head. "Don't be," she said. "It was something you needed." Then, after a moment, she said. "Look, how about we go see a movie tonight. Just us, okay?"

I thought about it for a minute. It sounded okay. I needed to get out of the house anyway. "Okay," I said, "but what about my parents. They won't let me out if I've been sick." We had Thursday and Friday off this week for some teacher's convention thing, so today was like a Friday.

She smiled. "I'll work on them for you," she said.

- § -

After we came out of the movies that night, I went straight home. I really don't know why. It was like I was expecting something to happen when I did get home.

And something happened, indeed.

As soon as I got home, and walked into the kitchen, I could tell that something had happened, or was happening. My parents were both acting really awkward and then when I asked them what was up, my dad said, "Rob is here."

I swear, I nearly pissed myself.

Rob was here? Why?

Did he finally realize that he should tell me what was going on? Or at least to apologize to me in person?

Or . . . break up with me?

No. Jess, don't think about that.

When I walked into the living room to check if he really was there (I believed my parents and all, but I just had to see for myself), I almost collapsed on the floor right there. I don't know what triggered the feeling. Maybe relief, or...regret. I really don't know.

But I suddenly felt uncomfortable. Especially when he turned around on the couch to look at me, noticing that I was in the room.

I must have looked horrible, too, since I really didn't clean up before I went to the movies with Ruth. I really didn't care what I looked like, but now I wish I had at least showered before hand.

Rob stood up and came over to me, since I wasn't moving at all.

"Jess," he said. I looked up at him, since he rarely ever calls me Jess, unless its something serious.

And then this all-too-familiar sinking feeling appeared in the pit of my stomach.

I was starting to regret ever coming home tonight.

"Look," he said, the seriousness in his voice never leaving, "can we go somewhere else? I really need to talk to you."

If I was talking to him on the phone, I would have said no immediately. But...seeing him in person...I had lost the ability to speak, apparently.

So I just nodded. He led me out the door, telling my parents that he would have me back home in an hour.

An hour? I thought. That's not a long time for a date...

But he's probably not taking me on a date. He said he needed to talk to me.

I noticed that he brought his truck instead of his bike. Probably because he knew I wasn't very fond of him at the moment, and I really would feel awkward putting my arms around someone who I didn't really like at the moment.

He drove us to this little park about a mile away. It was deserted, since it was nearly ten o'clock at night.

I walked over to the swings and sat down in one. He did the same, except in the swing next to me. We sat in silence for a few moments. I tried to swing a little bit, but there wasn't much enthusiasm in me to keep going, so I just stopped.

"Look, Jess," Rob said, breaking the really long silence. "I know everything that's been going on lately is kind of a mystery to you. I really want to tell you, but I can't. I—"

I turned to him with a glare. "But why can't you tell me? What makes it so goddamn confidential?"

He looked away. "You have every right to be angry with me, Jess. But I promise you, when all of this is over, I'll tell you everything. Right now, though, I can't. I just can't."

I looked down, not wanting him to see the tears that were leaking from my eyes. "Did you lie to me?" I asked him. I wasn't even sure if he heard me, since I said it so softly.

"Lie to you about what?" he asked. I couldn't see his face. First of all, it was so dark out, and second, I wasn't even looking at him.

"When we . . . you know," I said. I didn't really feel like saying the word. It would just make everything a lot more painful.

This weird noise came from him, then. It sounded like a gasp.

I looked up at him and noticed that he was looking at me intensely. "Jess..." he trailed off. "No, I didn't lie about that. I would never lie about that."

The sad thing is, though, I didn't know whether he was telling the truth or not. Its like I didn't even know him at all.

And, oddly enough, this sort of boosted my confidence. Well, in talking to him, at least. "What did you want to talk about, Rob?" I said sternly.

He looked down, then. "Jess, I..." He took a deep breath and started again. "We can't be together anymore. At least, not for a while, anyway."

I didn't cry.

Before this, even the thought of him breaking up with me would make me extremely upset. But I guess the fact that I knew this was coming helped me not cry. Or maybe I had just run out of tears or something.

But whatever it was, I didn't cry. I didn't show any emotion at all, for that matter.

I just looked at Rob, my face deadpan, not showing any emotion at all. "Fine," I said. My voice was in a monotone, not revealing any emotion whatsoever. "If that's how you want it to be, then fine."

"Jess, I'm so—"

"Don't even say it, Rob. If you were sorry, then you would have just told me what was going on from the beginning." I stood up off the swing. "Now I'll be going home."

"Let me take you home. It's the least I can do." He had stood up from the swing now, too, and was coming toward me.

"I think you've done enough for the night," I said bitterly and walked along further into the darkness.

He didn't follow me.

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