Whenever

Chapter 10

It's not like I really expected him to anyway. Or even wanted him to follow me.

But...I guess it just finalized everything. Like he really didn't care that I was walking out of his life. Like he really didn't care at all, about me or anything.

I hated myself for getting involved in something like this. I hated myself for the pain that I had set myself up for.

God, how more stupid could you get? I should have known.

But...I just couldn't forget about that day when I was hiding in the bush. It sounded...well, it sounded as if he was trying to protect me from them. The FBI.

But from what? What could they possibly want now? It's not like I haven't given them everything all ready — pride and all.

They probably wanted me to find another missing person. Probably some serial killer or something. Which, you know, wouldn't really surprise me since I've found a bunch of them already. Thank God none of them had realized it was me who had found them, or I might not even be here right now.

Or maybe they're plotting a scheme to kill me right now. All of them just band together to take out Plan A: Kill Jessica Mastriani a.k.a "Lightning Girl."

Okay, enough paranoia for now.

When I got home from talking with Rob, I couldn't even go into my room and sulk and cry and do whatever I would have done because I was miserable. Why? Well, because my mother felt the need to make me feel better. Or try, at least, because I so did not feel better after talking with her.

Right as I was about to climb the stairs to go hide away in my room, my mom called me from the kitchen (God, it seems like she never leaves there). I went in there to see what she wanted, which was my first mistake. I should have just pretended I didn't hear her and went up to my room. And locked my door.

But no, I didn't.

"What is it, Mom?" I asked her, coming in to the kitchen. She was sitting at the table, drinking some tea when I came in.

She patted the chair next to her for me to sit down. "I want to talk to you, honey."

Hesitantly I made my way over to the table, plopping myself down in the chair next to hers. "Talk? About what?"

But she didn't even answer me. She just went, "Rob broke up with you, didn't he, honey?"

Which just made everything all the more real. And horrible.

Just hearing his name made me feel even worse than I already did, if that was possible.

I decided to tell her the truth. "Yeah, he did, Mom."

"Oh, honey," she said. "I know how strongly you felt about him. I'm sorry."

And I guess she kinda was. Sorry, I mean. She seemed genuine enough, but I could also tell that she wasn't completely sorry. There was still part of her — the bigger part — that strongly disliked Rob. She was the one that kept telling me I was making a big mistake—well, more or less.

I replied, "I am too. But its over now. I just have to get over it."

She smiled at me. "That's my Jessie," she said. "Always so strong and vigilant."

And the thing is, that used to be true. But ever since I met Rob, that ebbed away, and I became weak and vulnerable.

My mom could see that she was losing my attention—if she did even have it in the first place—so she smiled at me and said, "I just want you to know, Jessie, that if you ever want to talk I'm here for you."

I forced a smile and replied, "I know. Thanks." And then I got up and headed for the comfort of my room. Once there, I locked my door and flopped on my bed, burying my head into my pillow. And I proceeded to bawl my eyes out.

- § -

I tried to not make a big deal out of it. I really did. I mean, I thought I would be able to get over it.

But I couldn't.

I loved him. I still love him. And that's the hardest part. Making myself not love him anymore. Then Rob can just be a thing of the past.

But I can't do that. I just...it's hard letting go, I guess.

No matter how many times I keep telling myself that he's not worth my pain.

But...then I get thinking. Maybe, just maybe, there was some important detail that I missed. Something crucial, that Rob didn't want to—and couldn't—tell me. But what the hell could that be?

For the next two weeks, I felt like I was dead. I was drained, really. Emotionally drained. I walked around like a frigging zombie, not even caring what everyone thought of me.

I only saw Rob once in those two weeks. It was when Ruth insisted that we stop at Dunkin' Donuts, having apparently gone off her low-carb diet. I begged her not to go, since she was still driving me to school and all.

It was the most inconvenient of places to go. Considering, well, it was right next to the garage that Rob worked in. Which he was bound to be at right now, working. And, if he happened to come out right then, he would have seen me.

I tried ducking, just in case he did come outside, but, let's face it, Ruth's car was too damn small, even for me, to hide in.

So I just prayed that he wouldn't come out.

And my prayers were answered.

At least until Ruth came out and looked in the same direction I was and went, "Oh, hey, isn't that where Rob works?" You figure, her being my best friend and all, that she would remember that that was where he worked, and that was why I did not want to go to Dunkin' Donuts. But, of course, even having an IQ of 160, my friend is a complete dud when it comes to things like this.

Go figure.

And guess who happened to come out right then to go help a customer? That's right, Rob.

He saw me, too. He looked right over here, and saw me in Ruth's car, looking right at him. He attempted a smile, but it failed. Then he turned and started talking to the guy that just pulled up.

And that was the end of that.

You know, I really did try to act normal. But, I mean, it was hard, like I've already said. I mean, I was in love—am still in love—with the guy. That's not going to be easy to get over. And, just to add to that, I gave up my virginity to him.

Okay, okay. I didn't really think that would be such a big deal to me. But it was—is. That was my first time ever having sex, and it was special to me, as corny as it sounds. And this guy that I thought really did love me—and said he loved me, too—just took it and ran with it.

I guess I should just stop complaining. It could be worse, I guess. I mean, he could have gotten me pregnant, or something. Or, you know, gave me an STD.

At least, I don't think any of that happened.

Maybe I should check, just in case, at the doctor's office.

Okay, if I don't get my period within the next month, I am definitely going to the doctor's.

Definitely.

- § -

School was almost out and everyone was getting hyped up about the summer. And after the summer, I would be going away to college.

I shudder, thinking about that. It's kind of scary, really, that I'm going to be leaving home. I mean, I got a couple of acceptance letters. But I wasn't really all that excited about them, like some of the girls in my grade. Karen Sue Hanky, for instance, who got accepted at NYU and Columbia. Such a hard choice for her, I've heard.

God, she makes me sick.

I wasn't really sure where I wanted to go yet. I mean, of course I would have to decide soon—very soon. But, for now, I'll just relax, and let the summer come.

I might even take Ruth up on her offer and go take a road trip this summer to Florida. It would be fun, and we could meet some guys. Even though I haven't completely gotten over Rob yet.

But still.

I mean, it's been almost a month now since he broke up with me. And I have only seen him a handful of times, so its not like it was that awkward, but still.

I guess I just miss him. Which, you know, sounds stupid, since I'm kinda supposed to hate him—or at least forget about him. But I'm finding lately that I miss certain things about him. Like his hair. I miss running my fingers through that hair when we made out. And I miss running my hands up and down his bare chest. And I certainly miss the way his hands caressed me when we reached second base.

I definitely need to get a hold of myself. And fast.

It was then that I heard a knock at the door. No one else was home—my mom and dad were at Mastriani's and my brothers were out with their girlfriends—so I had to go and answer the door. Groaning, I got up from the couch in the living room, where I was watching The Ring. Nothing like a scary movie to take your mind off of things.

Someone knocked on the door again and I yelled, "Coming!" and hurried to get it. Imagine my surprise when I see Rob's mom, Mary, at the door. And even weirder, the first thing that comes out of my mouth when I see her is, "Aren't you supposed to be at Mastriani's, or something?"

She smiled when she saw me. Even if Rob and I had broken up, I certainly didn't mind seeing her. She was such a nice woman and everything.

"No, dear, I have off tonight," she replied.

I smiled at her. "Oh," I said. I looked around outside, to see if anyone else was with her. Well, okay, to see if her son was with her. When I noticed that no one was, I opened the door wider and said, "Well, come in."

She smiled gratefully and walked in. She followed me to the living room and I told her to sit and asked her if she wanted something to drink or eat. She politely declined, saying she would only be here for a bit. Apparently she wanted to "talk" to me.

Great.

"So," she said when I sat down on the couch opposite her, "how have you been?"

I knew she was hinting at something. Probably how I was coping with the fact that her son dumped me.

I shrugged. "Alright, I guess."

She smiled sympathetically. If its anything I hate, its sympathy—and pity. "I'll just cut to the chase, honey. I came here to talk to you about Rob. He'll be really mad if he finds out I've come here, but let's not think about that now." She paused to see if I would object. When I didn't she continued. "I understand that it was Rob who ended your relationship. But let me just say, he didn't do it because he didn't like you anymore. He did it for something else."

I just looked at her. "Something else," I echoed.

"Well, yes," she said. "I know you're upset about this, honey. But you just have to give him some time. What's going on...well, it's all for you. I know it may not seem that way, but it is. I can't tell you what's going on, because I promised Rob I wouldn't say anything to anyone, but I just want you to know that he still likes you, Jess. More than likes you, really." She paused dramatically here. "He loves you, Jess."

I felt the tears come to my eyes then. I mean, this woman came over here to tell me that her son still loved me. She came over to try and sort things out, because God knows her son can't do that.

It touched me. More than I could ever say.

The sob was ripped from my throat. It startled Mrs. Wilkins, I could tell.

She came over to me and wrapped her arms around me. It was oddly comforting, actually. I didn't push her away, I let her keep her arms there. And I buried my head in her shoulder and cried.

A few minutes later I stopped crying and pulled my head away from her. I wiped my eyes with the bottom of my shirt, and Mrs. Wilkins removed her arms. "I'm s-sorry," I said.

She smiled at me. "Don't be sorry, honey. You needed it."

I gave her a watery smile. "Thank you. Not just for that, but for coming here and trying to explain it to me. I really appreciate it."

She gave me another hug and then stood up. "I better go," she said. Then she smiled broadly down at me on the couch. "Goodbye, honey."

I led her to the door. "'Bye," I said. "And thanks again."

She just smiled at me and started down the front path. I shut the door and leaned back against it.

I knew what I had to do now.

I think maybe one or two more chapters and I'm finished with this story. Review!