Chapter 16: This is Why I Need You
By the time they were able to situate the children between A-Un and Ena, night had fallen. The courtyard was illuminated by the glow of the moon and the oil lamps that hung along the bathhouse entrance.
Shippo was excited to tell Ena all about his time visiting Sesshomaru's mother. The attendant smiled reassuringly at Kagome as the kitsune chatted away, his little hands moving in time with his tale. Tucked in the demoness's arms was Rin, who was sound asleep. A-Un sat curled around Ena's back like a living sofa. His eyes were glued to the tiny human in her arms.
Sesshomaru placed his hand on her lower back and guided Kagome through the doorway. He stopped just inside the hut, while she continued over to the hot springs.
Kagome made sure Sesshomaru's back was turned before she began to disrobe. She didn't expect him to peek like Miroku or even Inuyasha— he respected her —, yet she found herself checking out of habit.
The steam curled just above the water's surface invitingly. Kagome stepped down into the pool, relishing the feel of the heat as it seeped into her chilled skin. She closed her eyes and leaned against the edge.
Blissful silence surrounded her. There was no crying, no constant array of questions, and no arrogant demoness sneering at her. Kagome was alone to process her thoughts, uninterrupted by the world around her.
She sunk deeper into the water.
Arisu acted like Kagome thought she would. She didn't expect the demoness to change her mind immediately. After all, it took Sesshomaru a while to warm up to her and most of that was due to Kagome's ability to help him with Rin. It wasn't until they began spending time together that he opened up. Even if his mother disagreed, Kagome believed it would be the same with Arisu.
For tomorrow, she arranged to have tea brought in. Kagome hoped the gesture would soften Arisu's abrasive demeanor. She couldn't imagine how the demoness ran her castle in the sky with such an attitude. Her attendants had to hate her. Kagome was sure Ena and Chizu weren't fans. They made faces every time they spoke about her— not that Kagome could blame them. Dealing with the demoness was frustrating.
Kagome was no stranger to frustrating experiences. Inuyasha had made her cry more than once. Each time hurt more than the last. She wished someone would have told her that love wasn't meant to feel that way. It would have saved her a lot of heartache.
And yet, she couldn't say she regretted any of it.
If it hadn't been for her fights with Inuyasha, Kagome would have never found Rin and met up with Sesshomaru. She smiled, thinking of how far they had come since that first day in the village.
Kagome wondered if she would have appreciated Sesshomaru the same way if Inuyasha had treated her differently. Would she have recognized his compassion? Would she have agreed to help him raise Rin? Or would she have stayed with her friends and hoped for the best?
She honestly didn't know. Kagome recognized that she wasn't the same person she had been weeks ago. Her time in the Western Lands had changed her. She was more confident, more self-aware, and happy.
It was a strange thing to realize.
Kagome hadn't been unhappy traveling with her friends but she knew something was missing. Inuyasha didn't reciprocate her feelings. For the sake of the group, she had put on a smiling face and acted as though everything was fine. She built a wall around herself, shielding her heart and keeping her true self buried.
Maybe that's why the demoness was so harsh. When Kagome thought about it, her situation hadn't been that different from Touga leaving his mate.
"Sesshomaru?" she called over.
"Yes."
"Have you ever talked to your mom about her separation from your father?" Kagome asked.
"We do not discuss personal matters," he answered.
"She's your mother. What would you talk about if not something personal?" she questioned.
"My relationship with my mother is not the same as your relationship with your family. We do not speak openly about our feelings," Sesshomaru informed her.
"Do you think she acts the way she does because she has to? Or because she thinks she has to?" Kagome prompted.
"What are you insinuating?"
"Your dad was known as a great warrior and their union was forged as an alliance. When he broke that, your mother probably worried about looking weak to her enemies. Regardless of her feelings toward your Touga, she must have been devastated. Their mating was meant to join two houses together. Instead, it caused a huge rift. The fact that Izayoi was human only added to the issue. Your mom had to have been upset but she wasn't the only one left behind. The only person weaker than her would be her only child. She must have been concerned that her enemies would attack you. As Touga's only heir, you'd be a prime target, right?"
"Correct."
"So maybe your mom doesn't know how to behave any differently because she never had a choice. Arisu has to be tough because she can't afford anyone doubting her. She needed to take control of the situation to protect herself and you. She doesn't have a partner to share her burden with. Your mother is alone. Intimidation works in her favor. It may keep people at a distance but it also keeps people from thinking she's weak," Kagome explained.
Sesshomaru was silent for several minutes.
Kagome sat in the hot springs, giving him time to reflect on what she had said. Touga's choice hadn't been easy on either his mate or his son. Kagome couldn't imagine losing her father that way.
Papa's death had been hard but at least Kagome had had her family to get her through those dark times. It seemed that Sesshomaru hadn't had anyone. He hadn't even been able to stay in his childhood home. During such a vulnerable time, blaming his mother must have felt natural. Kagome understood why his relationship with Arisu was strained.
"I considered her position before yet I never acknowledged how her decisions must have felt," Sesshomaru confesses.
"If it was a choice at all," Kagome said. "To me, it sounds like she didn't have another option. I feel bad for her."
He chuckled. "This is not the direction I envisioned our conversation taking."
"Oh, we are still going to talk about that kiss," Kagome assured him.
"I would rather discuss that than continue wasting our time on my mother," Sesshomaru responded.
"It's not a waste. I know you two are arguing but she's still your family, Sesshomaru. I mean, how would you feel if Rin dismissed you?" Kagome asked.
"I will not raise my ward the way I was brought up. Rin is my priority. I will give her the attention she requires, just as I will tend to the kit," Sesshomaru vowed.
"I'm only saying— put yourself in your mom's shoes. When Rin grows up, you want what's best for her, right?"
"Indeed."
"Arisu has her prejudices but deep-down I think that all she wants for you is a good match. She doesn't want you to end up in a broken relationship the way she did. Your mother wants you to be happy," Kagome stated.
"I am confident in my choice," Sesshomaru replied.
"You're not worried about anything?"
"Are you?" he returned.
Kagome chewed on her lower lip. At fifteen, she was hardly an expert on love. Her first love had been unrequited. It had caused her more pain than pleasure. Next to Inuyasha, the closest thing Kagome had to experience was Hojo.
Talk about unrequited.
Hojo was sweet. He would have made a perfect boyfriend— thoughtful, patient, kind —but Kagome felt nothing for him. There was no spark, nothing to entice her. She doubted he would ever cause her to heat up with murmured words of approval the way Sesshomaru did.
The more she thought about it, the more Kagome realized Inuyasha never made her feel that way either. She'd been enraged, exhausted, and devastated but never excited— at least not physically.
Kagome dropped lower into the water until all that remained above the surface was the top half of her face. The water rippled beneath her nose as she exhaled.
Shippo's question of whether or not she'd stay in the Feudal Era echoed in her mind.
With each passing day, her life in Tokyo felt more like a burden. Apart from her family and her small group of friends, Kagome had nothing tying her to that time. She felt more comfortable living in the Western Lands without modern comforts than she did in Tokyo.
Training to fight, learning how to heal, and developing her powers felt natural. Kagome wanted to explore the opportunity she had been given when Mistress Centipede pulled her through the Bone Eater's Well.
Her mother always said that things happened for a reason. Kagome was beginning to believe coming here was fate— and meeting Sesshomaru was meant to be.
"Kagome?"
His voice startled her out of her reverie. "Hmm?"
"Do you doubt my intentions?" Sesshomaru inquired.
She shot up. "What?"
"You did not give me an answer," he pointed out.
"I'm sorry," Kagome apologized. "I was thinking about something Shippo said earlier."
Hastily, she grabbed a pumice stone and began scrubbing at her skin. Her arms morphed from ivory to pink with the rough ministrations. Kagome barely noticed. Her thoughts were on the future and who she saw at her side.
A pair of honey-gold eyes and magenta stripes came to mind. Her cheeks reddened, turning the same color as her chafed skin.
Sesshomaru wanted to know if she had concerns. Kagome did; she just didn't want to admit it.
He was always so sure of himself. His actions were purposeful, completed with clear intentions. Kagome rarely felt as confident as Sesshomaru appeared.
They had only known each other for a few weeks. Was that enough time to decide? Was there ever a way to truly know if a relationship would last? Or did you charge forward and hope for the best?
Kagome worried about what she would do if he ever got tired of her. Who would she turn to? Where would she go? Back to Edo and her friends? Somewhere new where no one knew her?
What about Shippo and Rin? What kind of guardian was Kagome if she put her own interests before their happiness?
And if she did and something happened, what then? Could she piece back the shattered remnants of her heart? Would she be able to live through true heartbreak? Inuyasha's rejection had stung but it would pale in comparison to a dismissal by Sesshomaru. Kagome wasn't sure she could survive that.
She wasn't just the girl who overcame time. the Shikon maiden, Kikyo's reincarnation or any of those other titles others likes to impose on her. Kagome was made for more. She had crossed over five hundred years to arrive here. Though Inuyasha had been the first person Kagome met, their connection had never felt as infinite or strong as what she had built with Sesshomaru.
Their relationship was the result of heated arguments, intimate conversations, and compromise. Kagome couldn't deny the primal pull she felt in his presence but her feelings ran deeper than physical attraction. In the beginning, their back and forth had frustrated her. Kagome was annoyed with Sesshomaru's behavior but now she welcomed the rebuttal. It reminded her of a dance with equal parts push and pull. They balanced each other out.
The thought of losing him tore at her insides, an invisible blade slicing through her heart. The phantom pains caused her to place her hand on her chest just to reassure herself that there was no physical wound.
"You are troubled," Sesshomaru observed.
"No, just thinking," she replied, fighting to keep her voice even.
"I would like to help, if you will permit me," Sesshomaru offered.
Kagome nodded.
His hand gathered up the strands of her hair, twisting it into a bun at the base of her head.
"This is a far simpler task when doing it for someone else," he stated.
"You don't have to wash it. I can do it myself," Kagome said.
"I believe you suggested I return the favor," he reminded her.
"Alright," she relented with a grin.
Kagome allowed him to guide her under the water, slipping beneath the surface to thoroughly soak the strands. When she came back up, he began to massage oils into her hair.
"Would you like to share what is bothering you?" Sesshomaru prompted.
"I'm not like you," Kagome started. "There are a lot of things I'm unsure of. I'm not bold or particularly strong."
"I disagree," he responded evenly. "In terms of battle, you possess a level-head. For matters of importance, you demonstrate great poise. Strength of character is a valuable asset."
"I make a lot of mistakes," she told him.
"In the past, I have misjudged situations. There are times when my firm beliefs have caused me to be blindsided," Sesshomaru confessed.
"You mean going up against Inuyasha and Tetsusaiga?" Kagome asked.
"Yes, among other instances."
"You're still the most confident person I know," she insisted.
He slid his hand down her neck and along her spine, gently coaxing her under the water once more. Kagome held her breath and counted to ten before resurfacing.
"I have traveled across this country for centuries seeking validation by obtaining power. I convinced myself that my purpose was to become a greater warrior than my father. I failed to recognize how foolish such a pursuit was," Sesshomaru explained.
He combed his clawed fingers through her hair, rinsing out the oils.
"How so?"
"Accomplishments are meaningless if you have no one to share them with," he revealed.
"You have A-Un and Jaken."
Sesshomaru scoffed. "I cannot have an enjoyable conversation with either."
"Good point," Kagome returned.
"The time I spent alone gave me an opportunity to reflect. My days were meaningless because acquiring power was not a challenge. While some battles were more difficult than others, none had ever tested me— until I went against you."
"You mean Inuyasha," she said.
"No, you," Sesshomaru corrected, placing a kiss on her temple. "It was you who pulled Tetsusaiga free. It was you who encouraged my brother to wield the sword. It was out of his need to protect you that he was able to control the power of the blade and defeat me. You, Kagome, are what I was searching for— not an opponent, but an ally— my equal ."
She turned to face him. "How can you be so sure?"
Sesshomaru cupped her face, leaning down until their foreheads were almost touching. "I have lived for many years and there has never been another like you. No one else has ever caused me to feel as I do for you."
Smiling, Kagome placed her hand over his and tilted her head forward until they met. "I care about you too."
Sesshomaru listened to the familiar melody Kagome hummed. Her wordless song filled the bathhouse as she worked her hands along his scalp. The light caress of her fingertips sent pleasant sensations reverberating through him. Sesshomaru inhaled deeply and leaned into her touch.
Despite their intimate conversation, Kagome remained insistent that he turn around when she stepped out of the hot springs. He stood off to the side while she dressed.
Losing sight of her smooth skin was unfortunate, though he did not have to lament much. Kagome rolled up her sleeves and dress to keep the fresh fabric from getting wet. Sesshomaru considered suggesting she stay bare but then decided against it. As appealing as her blush was, he understood the value of patience.
Ensuring she remained in the Western Lands would require restraint. The choice had to be hers. He could persuade her but, ultimately, if Sesshomaru wanted to convince her to remain at his side, he had to let her come to her own conclusion.
"Your hair has gotten longer. Do you ever cut it so it doesn't get in the way of a fight?" Kagome asked, combing her fingers through his tresses.
"No. Do you?" he countered.
He felt her arms lift as she shrugged. "I guess I haven't really thought about it. Things tended to be a bit chaotic when I was traveling with my friends. I didn't have time to worry about getting my hair cut."
"If you wish to have it trimmed, I can tend to that for you," Sesshomaru offered.
"Nah, I like the length," Kagome returned. "Even if Rin does pull on it sometimes."
"She has a firm grip," he agreed.
"Kaede said it's a sign of perseverance," Kagome shared.
"I trust her judgment, despite her misgivings toward me," Sesshomaru said.
"She respects you," Kagome stated.
"It does not appear that way to me."
"Kaede has always been protective of me. I think it's because I look so much like her sister. She worries," Kagome explained.
"Her sister?" Sesshomaru questioned.
"Kikyo."
He stared at the water in disbelief. "That woman is the elder's sister?"
"The day she bound Inuyasha to the Sacred Tree, Kikyo died. Kaede was left to take over the village's protection. She was successful until I shattered the jewel. It gave Urasue the chance to resurrect Kikyo but, by that time, fifty years had passed," Kagome informed him.
"I understand the elder's connection to you. She cannot care for the corpse of her sister. Instead, she channels her concern into you. In her eyes, you are fulfilling the life that was stolen," Sesshomaru said.
"I guess, but Kaede knows I'm not Kikyo."
"As do I," he promised. "Your heart could never be turned as hers has."
"You don't know that," Kagome protested. "She's suffered through a lot. Naraku deceived her in the worst way. Who's to say I wouldn't act the same?"
"I do," he replied. "Someone who holds such affection and compassion for others would never allow their darkness to rule them. You create a light all on your own. It's your greatest power. You live your life for others, Kagome. Sometimes it is burdensome but it brings you joy to see them happy. " Sesshomaru paused, turning to face her. "What I want to know is what makes you happy?"
Her blue eyes widened. "Me?"
He nodded.
"Well, it would be nice to ace my entrance exams," she said with a nervous laugh.
Sesshomaru waited, staring at her expectantly.
"That's not what you meant," Kagome surmised.
He shook his head.
"I like being here," she confessed. "Spending time with Shippo and Rin is nice. I don't worry about looking over my shoulder all the time or feel weighed down by my guilt."
"Guilt? What do you have to feel guilty about?" he inquired.
"You mean besides breaking the Shikon Jewel?" Kagome prompted sarcastically.
Sesshomaru placed his hand on her shoulder. "You have taken responsibility for the jewel by devoting your time to restoring it."
"It's still my fault," she reminded him.
"You cannot blame yourself for all the evils in this world. Were it not for your efforts, the jewel would have been lost. You have kept it from being corrupted," he told her.
Kagome sighed. "Naraku will continue to use his shards to hurt people."
Sesshomaru dropped his hand to her lap, wrapping his long fingers around hers. "Then we will stop him— together."
She gave him a small, hesitant smile. "That's a start."
He held her gaze. "Once you are free of this burden, what would please you? Tell me."
"I don't want to miss out on Rin's life— or Shippo's for that matter. I like taking care of them, watching them grow, seeing how excited they are by learning new things. I don't want to lose that."
"So stay," Sesshomaru suggested.
"You make it sound so easy," Kagome said, focusing on where their fingers were intertwined.
"What about that is difficult?" he asked.
"Leaving my home," she admitted. "I love it here. It's safe. I feel free to chase after what I want instead of being told what I need to learn or do, but..."
"You miss your family," Sesshomaru finished for her.
She nodded. "When I'm here, it doesn't bother me so much. I guess because I know I'll eventually go back. If I choose to stay here, the day will come when I can't go back. That bothers me."
Sesshomaru stared at their hands, contemplating how to respond. Before he could, Kagome continued.
"But the thought of not being here— of not seeing Rin take her first steps, or Shippo pass his ranks—," she licked her lips and raised her eyes to meet his, "—or not being with you —I don't know if I can do that. I don't think I could ever say goodbye to you."
"I would never want you to."
"Sesshomaru— ."
Kagome said his name like a prayer to the Kami. It was full of adoration, beautifully breathy like a sigh, and completely pure. He was uncertain if the heat surrounding him was the hot springs or the overflowing of emotions she had caused.
"—I love you."
Author's Note: Can I just say that this fandom is awesome? Seriously, you are all amazing and deserve thousands of kudos! When I began writing for SessKag, I never anticipated people embracing my stories the way you all have. 2020 has been a rough year for a lot of people. For me personally, I've lost friends, lost family, and experienced significant health issues. Writing has been therapeutic for me but reading all your comments and the lovely messages on Tumblr have given me so much comfort. I wanted to take a moment to say THANK YOU!