Breaking Point

The soul always knows what to do to heal itself; the challenge is to silence the mind

"Alright, I give up. What does this circle inside of a square have to do with anything?" Ruby asked, her tone not quite onboard with what was happening, and yet in a bored tone all the same as she pushed the paper back towards the doctor.

They had discussed in great lengths of the journal entry. It was clear to Stevens that Ruby was still bottling feelings inside, and of course this led to her denying them; despite admitting to the reason why she had stormed into his office in the first place: the nightmare of finding out her mother was never again coming home, "I am trying to explain grief to you Ms. Rose."

"With a circle and a square…?"

"Do not think of it as a circle and square per say. The square is a box, and the circle is a ball."

Ruby chuckled and shook her head, "Oh come on, I may not always have common sense but even I learned that the ball doesn't fit in squares."

"Humor me Ms. Rose…" He asks and the tone suggests one of some authority, facial expression giving her a leveling look.

Ruby didn't want to have this conversation. In fact she would rather be anywhere but sitting here discussing her feelings again. The urge to run was high, but she matched his stare before sighing and relenting, "Fine, explain the ball thingy and box thing."

He smiles gently as she leans forward to watch him, "Ok so you have a box, a ball, and over here is a button for pain." He draws the 'button', he then looks briefly at his patient to make sure she was paying attention before going back to his story, "In the beginning the ball is huge. You can't move the box without the ball hitting the pain button. It rattles on its own in there and hits that button over and over." He draws arrows showing the movement of the ball, he watches her closely, seeing that she is calculating to herself how the ball could avoid the button, ever the prodigy tactician she was trained to be, "You cannot control it-it keeps hurting. Sometimes it seems unrelenting."

Ruby pulls the drawing closer, still studying it, "Someone can leave the box alone and not move it. If the box cannot move then neither can the ball. Physics. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Box moves so does the ball. Box doesn't move then neither can ball."

"Physics. The natural law of the universe we live in. Interesting concept, however your logic is flawed in this case. Let me explain some more," he said raising his hand to prevent her from speaking. He turned the picture over and drew out another box, but this time with a smaller ball and the button in the same place, "Over time, the ball gets smaller. It hits the button less and less, but when it does, it hurts just as much. It's better because you can function day to day more easily. But the downside is that the ball randomly hits that button when you least expect it."

Ruby nods along, with a satisfied smile on her face, "But again, no movement of box equals no movement of ball. Therefore, the ball does not hit this so called 'pain button'. No touch. Of the button."

He smiles patiently at her, "You can pretend the box does not move all you want. You can even say the box is at a standstill inside of you…however there is an invisible force causing the ball to bounce inside. Just like gravity. We cannot see it, but we know it's around us. Or take something under pressure, say shaking a bottle of soda? The bottle itself can only take so much before it explodes right?"

Ruby deflates, she knows where this is headed as much as she tries to fight it, "Ok doc you got me there." She breathes out a sighs, "So how does one, for the sake of argument, get rid of this ball? Would opening the lid and letting the ball out work?"

At this the doctor turns the paper towards himself and draws another diagram, this time with a much smaller ball no bigger than a small bouncy ball, "For most people, the ball never really goes away." He pushes it back towards her so she could see as he finishes with, "It might hit less and less and you have more time to recover between hits, unlike when the ball was still giant." He shows her the first drawing.

The young reaper looks between the two and shoves the papers aside, "So what you are saying is I have this ball that's been bouncing around inside this box inside of me…" He nods encouragingly, "and due to my tendency to repress things, it hasn't gotten the chance to become smaller."

"Partially. I believe your grief is like…a softball size let's say. It's the response to pain that is great. You had this ability to repress feelings to focus on the mission you are on. You have not learned the proper methods to handle your feelings in a healthy manner, which as I mentioned before, started at a young age. So while time may have shrunk the ball down a few notches, it is the pain that hasn't had a chance to shrink much; And with the election night trauma all that control you thought you had? Broke. It's like the soda bottle example-"

"Pressure built up until it had nowhere else to go." Ruby finished as she sat back to stare up at the ceiling.

"Precisely." The doctor responded.

Leaning forward now and rubbing her face, Ruby huffs and then sits back again, "Ok. What can I do? How do I make these things stop?"

Stevens looks at the reaper, "Well acknowledging you have a problem is a great start. You accomplished that yesterday when you came by."

"And thanks to your brilliant idea, I had a night terror…memory thing again. So that wasn't much of a help." Came the snarky reply, then realizing the tone she used, she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before opening them and saying, "Sorry didn't mean for it to come out that way."

"Its fine, I understand. Besides I never said it was going to be easy." He leaned back now in his chair and met the molten silver eyed gaze.

"No you didn't, however you never warned me of the difficulties either."

Stevens didn't acknowledge the comment and instead said, "This guy's walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up 'Hey you! Can you help me out?' The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on."

Ruby leans forward and listens closely. Seeing that he has her undivided attention, Stevens continues, "Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up 'Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on." He continues to watch her and takes a breath before finishing the story with, "Then a friend walks by 'Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole!"

"Well that was stupid." Ruby comments as she then leans back arms crossed.

Stevens chuckles at the look on her face, "Well now hold on. I am not done yet. See, our guy just happened to agree with you sentiment and says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here!' and the friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out.' Do you see the moral of the story now?"

Ruby looks away now, "I suppose."

"You suppose?"

"I don't want to burden them." She states, "I know we are all going through the same thing to an extent, but I-"

"Do not want to appear weak? Ms. Rose you are anything but weak." He replies gently, "You can do two things here, talk to your friends or maybe try the journal assignment again. This time though instead of focusing on your mother…I want you to focus on the Vytal Tournament."

Ruby looks sharply at him, "The tournament?"

"Yes." He pushes the journal towards her and she just stares at it, "I want to try a new angle. I want you to walk through the moment and the feelings you had then compared to now."

"I…" she looks at the book on the table, "I can't."

Amber eyes meet silver and he looks deeply into her. He watches as she almost folds in onto herself, but he sighs and relents, "Write or talk?"

"Write…talk…both."

He frowns, "Ruby-"

"Please."

He relents and removes his glasses, "Ok. Then try free writing. Write any topic and how you feel on that topic, however…" He pauses as she starts to slowly pick up the book, "I would appreciate if you wrote about the tournament."

"Are we done?"

"We are. Same time tomorrow then."

Ruby doesn't say good bye, but slowly makes her way towards the door. She pauses and gives him a look, "Will writing about the Vytal Tournament fix me?"

"Ms. Rose, we do not use the term 'fix'. To imply that I 'fix' you means you were broken to begin with."

"Me being here implies I am damaged."

He gives her a disappointed frown, "And when have I ever said you were damaged? If you could hear a recording of our sessions together, that word does not even get used. What we are trying to work on is how you react to the triggers that have an emotional devastating effect on your well-being." Seeing she was still apprehensive, he adds, "When you were writing your report, the parallels that you experienced at the election party and at the tournament were similar enough to trigger your more violent memories. If we can get you to acknowledge the feelings you are repressing, then those techniques may be used in the future to help you. Like some people use the five-four-three-two-one technique in an anxiety attack."

"Five-four-three-two-one?"

"Acknowledging five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. It is meant to help ground the person in the moment. In your case, you are experiencing more than just anxiety; however a technique like that could help before things get out of hand."

Taking a deep shaky breath, Ruby nods, "Thank you doc." She leaves the office and walks a few feet away from the door before leaning on the wall, her heart feeling slightly heavier than when she had left yesterday afternoon. Perhaps maybe she could start talking to her team, taking another deep breath, she starts to make her way towards the dorm room.