CHAPTER FIVE: MASTER OF ALL HE SURVEYS


12th September, Monday

On my Way to the Third Floor Girls' Toilet

Current Activity: Smelling like a Goat and Sweating like a Pig

Word of the Day: Blackmail (manipulating othersone of Lily's virtues)

In which Puck decides to have the first bath of his life.

Why didn't Peeves tell me that the Chandelier which he lives in is infested with the worst kind of fungus in the world? Why didn't he tell me that this very fungus causes you to have acute bouts of dandruff and pimples? Why didn't Peeves tell me that this very dandruff causes you to shed hair at 65 per hour?

For Puck the Perfect now suffers from fungal infection of the hair. And is not so perfect anymore.

My poor hair, my gorgeous mane that was a cause of envy even to the fair Diana, is now in shatters and shreds. At this rate, I'll be bald before the year is over.

All thanks to Peeves who gave me shelter from Lily who was angry with me over Hestia who dated Sturgis who insulted Lily.

Lily has offered to rub Eucalyptus oil over my hair – it has soothing properties – but only if I took a bath.

A bath, did you say?

GOLDEN GALLONS OF GIGGLING GILLYWEEDS!

We pixies NEVER bathe. We have our own self-cleansing body mechanisms, which come into action every night, and turn us fresh like a rose the next morning.

Me, take a bath, when thirteen thousand and thirty-three members of my clan have refused to do so? Me, take a bath, when I have not needed one for centuries of my dirt-prone existence?

How can Lily possibly imply that I need a bath? How can she possibly say that I am dirty?

Just because her Secret Admirer – the bloody Kleptomaniac – thinks that she smells like mint and musk 24 hours round the clock, it doesn't mean that she can accuse others of bad body odour!

There is no greater insult to my physique than being told that I "smell like a goat, scratch like a flea and sweat like a pig". And Lily has just done so.

But there is a lure to Lily's blackmail, which I am unable to resist.

You see, Lily's nimble fairylike fingers have what is called the Healing Touch. All she has to do, is run her hand over my hot little head, and lo! I'm cured of all the pain in the world.

Maybe its because I love her so much... Dratted girl! Why did she have to make me rely on her so much? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

I suppose surrender isn't always wrong.

So now, I'm on my way to the first bath of my life. Happy Birthday to me.

Lily better give me one hell of a massage. Or else.


13th September, Tuesday

The Roof above the Third Floor Girls' Toilet

Current Activity: Wading in the Rain Puddle on the Roof

Word of the Day: Venerable ( worthy of worship, but not of brains)

In which Puck hears something he doesn't like

Oh, well.

So now, I'm up on the roof above the Girls' Toilet on the Third floor, wading about in a rain puddle full of mistletoe and basking in the glory of the sun above me. And no, I've not forgotten my towel, either.

A cackle of giggles collided with my eardrums, and jolted me out of my thoughts. I peeped in through the window, and saw to my surprise a bunch of girls huddled together as if they were conspiring for Minerva McGonagall's murder.

One of them, I easily recognized by virtue of her long dark hair and large slanted blue eyes.

Vera Zabini.

The arch nemesis of my mistress. The most successful seductress of the school. And the Head of a club of senseless Social Butterflies, who go by the name of The Venerables.

The Venerables meaning "they who should be worshipped", or so these girls believe, for they belong to the richest, most pureblood families in England, and are undoubtedly, in Lily's own words, "lovely beyond comparison".

Much as I would like to disagree, The Venerables are quite pretty. I can see the rest of them too from here, flocked around Vera, like moths to a flame.

I think the one with the electric-blue hair is Gladys Smith. Her father runs a high-priced chain of hotels in St. Ollis, apart from a rather nasty temper. I can easily recall the newspaper article about how Mr. Zen Smith hexed a waiter for an eyelash in his soup.

Then there's Melinda Bloom, whose family owns a renowned apothecary firm in Eastwick. It is a firm that has the policy of not selling medicines to wizards of dubious parentage, in other words, muggleborns.

The last one, I think, is Bertram Aubrey, whose father is a famous theatre actor, and is consequently full of empty words and hot air.

That the four of them should choose a smelly dingy toilet to discuss their secrets comes as a surprise to me, especially since they could buy the whole of Hogsmeade with their pocket money alone.

But I'm not complaining. I get to eavesdrop on them, don't I? Never mind what Lily thinks.

Now, if only they would speak a little louder…

Vera (twirling her eyelashes): Did you shadow the Vicar today, Melinda?

Shadow a Vicar? Why would anyone want to stalk a vicar? Perhaps they're talking in code-language….

Melinda (with a theatrical groan): No, I couldn't. I was sitting behind her in Arithmancy Class, but I lost her when we were filing out of the classroom.

That's strange. Melinda was sitting behind Lily today. And Lily isn't the Vicar….

No wait. What's that supposed to mean –

Bertram: I really don't see why we have to Inspect Lily Evans, the silly mudblood. What's so special about her?

SEVENTY SEVEN STAMPEDING SLYTHERINS!

Inspection of Lily Evans! My Lily, to be called a mudblood? My Lily, the apple of my eye, to be called silly! The only thing that's stopping me from beating Bertram's brains out is the awareness that I must find out about what's going on here.

Gladys: How many times do we have to spell it out for you, Bertram? We need to know why Lily Evans is so popular in spite of all her flaws!

Flaws? What flaws are you talking about, Smith?

Bertram (laughing bitterly): Lily Evans? Popular? What on earth are you talking about?

Vera (snorting): Are you for real? Come off it, Bertram? Haven't you seen how all the boys eye her hungrily whenever she walks by? Haven't you seen how many friends she has? All the Professors love her. Even the Slytherins seem to like her! Haven't you ever wondered why?

Well said, Zabini, well said. And I know the answer to it, as well. It's because Lily has a heart, and you don't. Its because Lily is not a slut like you, but she believes in helping everyone without any greed or any ulterior selfish reasons. So, there.

Gladys: Exactly! And everyone has a weakness…. If we find out what Evans's weakness is, we can control her in just the right way…. One slip, and we'll have her writhing in our grasp. It's called psychological treatment.

Merlin's Beard! How much evil can a person's heart hold? How malicious can one get? Psychological treatment, my arse. Try all you like, Smith. You won't find a single skeleton in Lily's closet.

Bertram: I still don't see how we can gather seduction-tips from Lily Evans. I mean, will you look at her, for Salazar's sake?

She never wears make-up; she never styles her hair. She dresses like a monk, which is the reason we call her Vicar, isn't it?

She is rigid like a rake, and she slaps any boy who as much as flirts with her. She can't even take a compliment properly! She snaps at boys who ask her out, and she's a cheeky little minx too….

She's never had a successful relationship so far, despite having had three or four boyfriends! She holds her head so high; one would think she's looking at the ceiling. Her self-respect has turned into a hippogriff-sized ego. And she's uptight to the point of frustration!

Its bizarre, how she has somehow managed to turn each of Lily's virtues into a vice. All my dear girl has ever done, is to have been born into a muggle family. And that is the only reason why the vile Venerables can't digest Lily's popularity.

Melinda: That's it, isn't it? All those reasons to shirk her are all the reasons why everyone still seems to like her…

Their voices trailed off, and it was lucky they were gone, because I couldn't have taken any further abuse of my mistress.

Did the other girls think the same way about Lily?

The sun didn't seem that bright anymore.


13th September, Tuesday

Behind Greenhouse Number Three

Current Activity: Perched upon a tree branch to eavesdrop again

In which Puck is haunted by ex-paramours

Grrr…I wish this boy would speak up, or Lily's going to miss her Herbology Class. Couldn't the boy have waited till at least the class was over?

After all, he's been doing nothing since the past ten minutes than stare at her.

As I've said countless times before, staring should be banned.

"I..I..was wondering if..if…." stuttered the boy finally.

Oh, just say it already, Doge. Don't be such a silly goose, she's not going to eat you up if you apologize for your past misdeeds!

"Can we get back together?" he finally blurted out, camouflaging completely with the red of Lily's hair.

Lily just stood there, looking thunderstruck.

"Umm, I don't think I'm ready for a second relationship with you, Elphias," said Lily. "I mean, I can't forget how you treated me the last few weeks…."

"I'm really sorry about how I behaved towards you, Lily. I know I acted like a jealous brat, but I was so torn apart at the thought of losing you that I completely lost it! I couldn't stand some other boy holding your hand," said Elphias Doge, running a hand through his elegant silver hair. "Lily, please. I'm really getting desperate. I need you back in my life."

Lily sighed. "You don't understand, Elphias. I'm not ready, yet, for--"

"Can't you give me a second chance?" asked Elphias, looking woebegone. "You don't think I'm good enough for you?"

"I never said that!" cried Lily with an anguished shriek. "Who wouldn't like you, Elphias? You're handsome and clever and brave—"

"Then you should go out with me again," quipped the relentless Doge, stepping closer to her with a strange glint in his eyes, which I found quite ominous.

He was putting a hand about her waist, and pulling her unto himself…

Uh oh.

The sharp sound of a slap came a breath later.

"Didn't I tell you that it was over?" cried Lily, quivering with indignation.

Oh, but it wasn't. For the doodle-berried Doge had suddenly taken it upon himself to lunge at my poor shocked Lily, and force his lips upon her.

I couldn't take it. I charged down with all my speed….

WHAM!

But it wasn't one of my power strokes that had put Doge in a concussion.

It was James Potter whose fist had sent Elphias flying.

He looked murderous to the core, his hazel eyes darkened to a fiery cobalt, and his mouth curled in a ferocious scowl. For the first time in my life, I was actually afraid of him.

Lily turned to him angrily. "What did you do that for? You have hurt him! Oh, what will Madame Pomfrey say?"

Potter growled at her. "There was no other way of stopping him. You seemed paralyzed with fear!"

"I could have handled him myself! I don't need your help!" cried Lily.

Potter glared at her for one long moment, and then, without a word more, he stalked off angrily.

The sound of an angry snort made me look around, only to see Sirius Black leaning against the very tree which I had perched upon.

I was surprised to see that he too looked quite angry. Really, what reason did he have to sulk?

"You really are a clueless duffer sometimes, Lily," he said, shaking his head at her.

Bah Humbug.

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A/N: This chapter isn't much of a development, but I wrote it in a hurry. To all those people who e-mailed me, I'm so sorry for not updating earlier. This chapter is important because The Venerables will have a major role to play later on.

Please review; otherwise I'll never be able to correct my mistakes.

Please review, otherwise I'll never know whether I should continue this story or not.