S1 Ep07: Peculiar Problems Pertaining Palismen (The "B" Plot).
Set during the events of Season 1, Episode 7: Lost in Language.
"Do I have to?" Hunter — the human who has been living with witches and notorious outlaws, Darius and Eberwolf, for about seven or so weeks now — groaned, leaning farther back into the couch. Hunter wanted to spend the day relaxing. He wore the most casual clothes he brought with him from when his plan did not go beyond getting out of that house and far away from his wicked uncle. It was not his intent to end up in the Demon Realm. He wore a blue t-shirt with the picture of a character from one of those cartoons he likes, a pair of gold pants, and red-spotted black socks.
"Arf! Ar rooff arf." Eberwolf barked. The little auburn-furred demon with a savage mane tied into a fluffy ponytail sat on the couch across from and stared at Hunter with those prominently amber-magenta eyes. They further held out the book — the bane of the sixteen-year-old's existence at this particular moment — they practically begged him to read aloud. That being none other than, The Good Witch Azura.
"Yes! You promised." That could be considered the very loose translation to what they had conveyed into grunts and growls. While it was far from easy, Hunter began to figure out how to follow their language and pattern of speech over time. Hunter and Darius were prone to forget that Eberwolf's an adult, albeit a very childish one. And it was incredibly baffling to believe they were once the leader of the Beast Keeping Coven.
"Ugh, fine." With a roll of his eyes, Hunter begrudgingly accepted the book.
"Huhuhuhu mrrroww raow rrowff raow arf freh." Eberwolf was shaking with excitement like a puppy about to receive a treat.
"Okay, settle down. Darius won't like it if you pee on the couch again," Hunter let out a sigh and brushed aside the jagged forelock in front of his eyes. He flipped through the book until he found the chapter Eberwolf coveted him to read, wanting to get it over with. "Ahem. "Azura," Hecate began. "Our paths have crossed only in battle. But today, I stand before you, seeking an ally." Lord, this is flowery."
"Ahuah, ar rooff arf rrowff raow." Eberwolf grew irritated.
"Sorry, but you have the worst taste in literature. I mean, Azura being able to befriend everyone? Even her biggest rival? That screams Mary Sue powers."
"Rrowff raow arf ahuah ar rooff arf freh mrrroww." Eberwolf tucked their arms and raised an eyebrow at the teen.
"What are you talking about? I'm positive I'm using that term right."
"Raow, arf ar mrrrow rrowf raow freh arf rooff arf."
Hunter gasped, shocked by what he just heard. "How dare you call the Retaliator that." There are things in life Hunter will not tolerate. One of them is hearing his favorite gun-toting, skull mask-wearing, black trenchcoat-sporting comic book anti-hero being insulted in such a manner. Hunter leaned in close to Eberowolf, his deep chocolate eyes meeting their amber-magenta ones. "At least he knows rivals are supposed to be annihilated, not befriended." Thbpbpthpt! Eberwolf just blew a raspberry in the teen's face, and Hunter fell back in surprise, wiping off the spit. "Ugh, real mature."
"He-he-he." The little demon laughed at their action.
Wumpth! The front door suddenly swung wide-open, and a startled Hunter jumped in his seat with an "Oh!"
"Bwow! Raow arf! Grrrr!" And Eberwolf instinctively went on the defensive.
But they calmed down when it was revealed to be Darius's tiny palisman, Bat Queen. "Special delivery. Yi-Yi." She announced.
After all this time, the way she looked still unsettled the teenager. The palisman was not a bat in the sense one would think, but rather a human head with eyes, a nose, a fanged mouth, and even long ebony hair. Where her ears would have been, she had bat-like wings jutting out from them. She was clenching what looked like a gift basket between the talons underneath her chin. Covering whatever was inside was a baby-blue blanket.
"Whatcha got there, B.Q.?" Hunter asked, standing from the sofa as Eberwolf climbed down it. Both followed her into the kitchen, where Darius was commanding his abominations in preparing lunch.
The vigorous, dark-skinned witch stood by the counter as he commanded his slushy golems to keep stirring and bake whatever was in the cauldron and oven. Hunter unmistakably assumed Darius was nothing more than an average witch on the Boiling Isles upon their first meeting. But soon, Hunter learned he was not a man at all but rather an incredibly intelligent abomination. And one who knew how to dress in style, at that. He wore his usual sleeveless violet tunic with a gold collar and pink side cape, light purple pants, and white pairs of gloves and heeled boots.
As Eberwolf and Bat Queen entered the kitchen alongside him, Hunter shouted, "Yo, Darius! You got a package!"
Darius flicked his fingers, and his golems ceased what they were ordered to perform. "A package, you say?" He asked, looking at the three of them.
Eberwolf climbed onto the counter. "Mrrroww arf raow rrowff raow arf rooff."
"An offering to Master. Yi-Yi." Bat Queen said as she perched herself onto Darius's shoulder.
"Ah yes." Darius began, proudly posing. "A generous offering. Though I'm now condemned as a wild witch, some seem to remember I was the mighty and renowned leader of the Abomination Coven, once upon a time. Being famous does come with its benefits."
"Arf raow rrowff raow arf ahuah ar rooff arf freh." Eberwolf mocked Darius as they tied a bib around their neck.
"Speak for yourself, mutt." Darius pulled the blanket down to see what was inside, revealing a sleeping pygmy owlet.
"Ooooooh." Eberwolf's eyes dilated, rubbing their paws together while licking their chops.
"I've had to eat many strange things during my time here," Hunter said, walking away from the basket. "But this is where I draw the line."
"Is this some joke?" Darius questioned, annoyance in his tone. "Witches eating babies is so 1693."
As he was walking away, Hunter noticed a piece of paper was sticking out of the basket. "Maybe this will clear things up." He grabbed and unfolded it, reading aloud, "Take care of my owlet till morning. Hoot-Hoot."
"Not happening." Darius shut his eyes and tucked his arms. "I have better things to do, such as the "me-time" I scheduled for myself today. What's more, babies are the last thing I wish to deal with. Bat Queen, kindly return this to the sender, would you?"
"Wait, there's more." The rest, Hunter, read, "You will be handsomely rewarded. Hugs and kisses. King Hooty. P.S. You will find advanced pay within the basket."
Darius's eyes opened, and he turned to look at Hunter. "Did you say, King Hooty?"
"Yeah, who's that?" Hunter then noticed Eberwolf sniffing the sleeping owl before opening their jaws to enjoy a bite; and quickly whacked the demon's head. "No. Bad Eberwolf. No."
"Racka rrowf raow freh ricka rof fra," Eberwolf grumbled, rubbing the spot they were struck.
"King Hooty is the wealthiest demon on the Boiling Isles," Darius explained. "Anyone lucky enough to get favor with him is set for life. It wouldn't hurt having the extra snails. And all we have to do to get them is keep the little spawn alive for a few hours. Ha! This sounds hardly trivial."
The mighty Darius: Former head of the Abomination Coven and the most famous — or infamous, depending on who you inquire — wild witch on the Boiling Isles having to babysit. Now, this. This was something he needed to stick around and witness. Hunter had a profound sense that Darius did not know the first thing about taking care of a child, let alone a baby.
"Alright, so where do we begin?" Hunter asked.
"Not you. I'm sending you to run some errands for me." The master witch drew a circle, and a ridiculously long shopping list appeared in Hunter's hands. Like from those cartoons, where the paper seemed to go on and on.
The list Hunter was given included — barely scratching the surface — buying shampoo and perfume for Darius, getting a flea collar for Eberwolf, picking up some books from the library. "And why do I have to go?"
"Because I'm your teacher, and I said so." Darius gestured him away and directed his attention back to the owlet, removing the blanket entirely. "Now, let's have a look at this little—"
"SKREEEEEEEEE!" Darius's action accidentally woke the slumbering owlet, and it cried from its peaceful nap being abruptly ruined. The sound was so loud that it caused Darius's abominations to break apart and become mush. The master witch was having trouble keeping himself stable.
"Gwah!" The sudden high-pitched sound disoriented Eberwolf, and they fell off the counter. Bat Queen even flew off Darius's shoulder and away from the noise.
The master witch hastily placed his hands firmly against his ears and shouted, "On second thought, boy! We could require your assistance!"
Back in the living room and halfway out the front door, Hunter shouted, "Sorry! I can't hear you! I better take care of those errands!" Wumpth! He slammed the door behind him.
"SKREEEEEEEEE!" The baby continued crying.
"Bwow raow ar, rooff?!" Eberwolf asked with a whimper, using their fingers to plug their overly sensitive ears.
"Yes, of course! We have this under control!" Darius declared, directly followed by the baby flying from its basket and into the witch's face. "Whoa!" He said in surprise as he stumbled back. Cl-cl-clang! He fell into a pile of pots and pans. "Under… control…"
French Narrator: "Many Hours Later."
"SKREEEEEEEEE!" The owlet kept on crying, having been moved out of the kitchen and into the living room. Eberwolf had tied two pillows to their head while Darius had shapeshifted his hands into a pair of earplugs and tucked his arms. His emerald eyes glowed as a sign he was utilizing all of his magical willpower to keep himself from being undone.
"Ar bwow raow whooo! Bwow rrowf raow mrrroww arf raow?!'' Eberwolf whined loudly over the screaming.
"SKREEEEEEEEE!"
"I know it's been hours!" Darius answered as he re-attached his hands. "But stay strong. This child won't defeat us. Think about the snails."
"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Somehow, the crying grew louder than what should be possible, considering the owlet's size. Krash! Krash! Krash! Darius gasped as he could do nothing but sit and watch as his three bottles of the most expensive apple blood on the Isles shattered before him. Krash! Krash! Krash! Going after that was his priceless stained glass windows.
"Bwow rrowf mrrroww arf raow arf ar rrowf raow rooff!" Eberwolf fell from the couch onto the floor. "Rahwhoooo! Rah-rah-whooo! Rahwhoooo!" They howled, begging the Titan for it just to end. Even if it meant they must be put out of their misery.
"Alright, alright!" Darius let out a deep sigh; he grumbled, "I can't believe I am going to do this."
"SKREEEEEEEE—" Darius picked up the owlet, and it immediately stopped crying. "Cheep. Cheep. Cheep." It made those sounds contently. The witch and demon looked at each other in disbelief.
"Rrowf arf?" Eberwolf asked.
"Um…" Darius looked at the content baby and held it close to his chest, and it fell asleep in his arms. He began swaying it back and forth. "Rock… rock… Paternal gesture."
The door creaked open as Hunter entered the house, heaving a sack over his shoulder and exhaling. "Well, the market didn't have everything you asked for. But I picked up what was there." He opened the sack and rummaged through it, and pulled out a flea collar. "Don't know if this'll fit you, Eber. But it's the only one I could find." He looked over at the couch and the admittedly adorable sight of Darius with the baby. This… Hunter was going to take advantage of this, as told by his mischievous grin. "Well, aren't you looking fatherly, Darius?
Darius looked up at the teenager, his eyes glowing with a deadly color. "Say that again, boy, and I'll drown you in sludge." He threatened.
Hunter strolled on over to his guardian, looking closer at the sleeping owlet. "How can you say that around this precious baby?'' Darrius continued to sway the child gently, and to Hunter's surprise, he was not doing as badly as expected. It was like Darrius had experience with this sort of thing. Suddenly, the baby woke up and laid an enormous egg on the couch. Kiiirriiik. It hatched, and from it came out two more versions of the owlet, though tinier. Eberwolf, Darius, and Hunter all recoiled from what they just saw. "What the f—"
"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The house shook from the combined shrieks of all three babies as they flew around. Krash! Krash! Krash! The chaos is destroying items within the living room.
"MY HOUSE!" Darius screamed, his whole body pulsating to the sounds and his frustrations.
"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" One of the babies started coughing up pellets.
Ratatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatat! The baby regurgitated them out so fast that they were almost like bullets from a machine gun.
"Rah-rah-whooo!" Eberwolf shrieked as they, Darius, and Hunter all dove out of the way. The pellets tearing apart it's unfortunate target, which happened to be the couch.
Hunter ran for the door. "Parenting sure looks rewarding!" He shouted in a hurry. "Enjoy your life lessons; I'm gonna hang out with my friends. Byeee!" Wumpth! He slammed the door behind him as the owlets continued knocking things off shelves and causing mayhem in general.
Eberwolf climbed up Darius, resting on top of his shoulder for protection. "Bwow raow arf ar?" They asked.
"Yes, we're still doing this for the SNAILS!" Darius confirmed, yelping the word as he ducked out of the way from a dive-bombing, pellet-firing baby.
Ratatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatat!
French Narrator: "Many More Hours Later."
"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
The owlets continue causing havoc throughout the house. Ratatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatat! Pellets ripped through more furniture. Krash! Krash! Krash! And anything fragile was being tossed around and smashed to pieces. Darius, Eberwolf, and Bat Queen were hiding from the chaos in the kitchen, knowing they had to do something before there was no more house to be destroyed. Krash! Krash! Krash!
"What silences children? Yi-Yi." Bat Queen asked, perched on Darius's shoulder, close to his face.
"Bwow rrowf bwow raow rrowf mrrroww arf raow rrowf raow rooff ahuah arf?" Eberwolf suggested.
"Invent a cartoon for ages six to eleven?" Darius questioned. "There is no way such a thing will work."
"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ratatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatat! Krash! Krash! Krash!
He narrowed his eyes. "No. There's only one thing to do now." Darius extended his hand and morphed it into a long saber, making Eberwolf and Bat Queen gasp. Darius stretched it far out with his other hand, plucked an apple from a wrecked bowl, and divided the fruit into thirds. "Apple slices!" He reverted the saber into a hand to hold on to the slices. Next, he extended his other one to the living room to obtain from the shelf a copy of the Boiling Isles' most recognized children's book, Otabin. Something he has held onto for a long time but never believed he would need to read to anyone again until now. "And storytime!"
Suddenly, the noise came to a stop, and the owlets flew into the kitchen. "Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep." With the promise of apple slices and storytime, they ceased the chaos.
Darius reformed one of his melted abominations with a twirl of his wrist into a chair and sat down. "All right, children. Promise to behave from here on out, or I won't read anymore, understand?"
"Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep." The babies all responded, sitting on the floor, eager to listen to the tale of Otabin. Eberwolf and Bat Queen even joined, the former's pupils dilating.
"Good. Ah-he-hem." Darius cleared his throat and turned to the first page, reading, "Otabin spends his days alone amongst the many books he'd sewn. With needle and thread, the pages he mends. But all the while, he longed for a friend."
British Narrator: "So many hours later that the old narrator got tired of waiting, and they had to hire a new one."
Hunter returned to the house after the night he had, letting out a big yawn. "Hey, Darius. Eber. I'm… Woah." The entire living room looked like a tornado tore through it.
"Zzzz." "Zzzz." "Zzzz." "Zzzz." "Zzzz." "Zzzz."
"Huh?" Hunter heard that the sounds were originating from the kitchen and went to investigate, coming across the surprising sight of Darius snoring on a couch made from abomination goo. The owlets snuggled in his arms, along with Bat Queen and Eberwolf on his lap. "Aw." Hunter pulled out his phone. Click. He snapped and placed the picture under the "for the future" folder. "Best blackmail ever."
Knock! "Ding-dong!" Knock! "Ding-dong!" Knock! "Ding-dong!" The most annoying voice Hunter had ever heard repeatedly knocked and screeched at the door. Knock! "Ding-dong!" Knock! "Ding-dong!" Knock! "Ding-dong!"
Running back to the front door, Hunter shouted, "I'm coming! I'm coming!"
Knock! "Ding-dong!" Knock! "Ding-dong!" Knock! "Ding-d…" Hunter opened the door and blinked, stepping back at what he was now in front of his face; a chestnut-brown tube with an owl face and beady eyes that extended for miles on end. Hunter did not know where it began, nor did he want to know of it, either. "Daddy's here for his babies! Hoot!"
Hunter blinked, dumbfounded. "Wait, you're King Hooty?"
"Yep! I'm the great King Hooty! Hoot! And I'm here for my babies! Hoot-Hoot!"
"Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep." The owlets flew from the kitchen as King Hooty opened his mouth wide, and each baby dove down his throat one at a time.
Burp! "Safe and sound!"
Hunter did not know how to respond to what he witnessed. Every day he spends more time on the Isles and comes across something beyond what his sanity could comprehend, that is another hour of sleep lost. "Okay, bye."
"Wait! I almost forgot! Auck. Auck." King Hooty looked like he was about to hurl something up, and Hunter shielded himself, knowing that he would undoubtedly get hit by it. "Aucough!" Thump. But he was not hit by it; a giant owl pellet fell onto the ground in front of him. It cracked open to reveal a treasure chest with several hundred snails inside. "I owe you one! Bye! Hoot-Hoot!" Saying his goodbyes, King Hooty slithered back to wherever it was he came from.
"Ahh!" Hunter jumped as he heard Darius scream, seeing the witch run into the living room with Eberwolf and Bat Queen, clear panic spread across their faces. "Hunter, where are the babies?!"
Protective dad Darius was not something the teen was expecting to see today. "King Hooty just stopped by to pick 'em up." He said, pointing at the coughed-up treasure chest. "And he's one heck of a tipper to, look at all the money you made. Though we might need to hose it down."
"Oh, I see." Darius, Eberwolf, and Bat Queen all lowered their heads. "And after I finished teaching Lil' Darius how to sculpt with clay."
"Wait, you named one of them Lil' Darius?"
"Rahwhoooo! Rah-rah-whooo!" Eberwolf howled with woe.
"I miss them already, too." Darius, Eberwolf, and Bat Queen all joined in a hug.
Hunter honestly did not expect any of them to grow so attached to the owlets. "Um… are you guys gonna be alright."
Darius wiped a single tear from his eye. "Yes, we will. How was your night, Hunter?"
"Good, I guess." Hunter was not sure what the best way to describe how his night went would be. It started well, then went off the rails as his adventures typically do, and finally… maybe good? "So, who wants to move the snails in?"
Please favorite, follow and leave a review; feedback is appreciated. And feel free to leave suggestions for potential character swaps.
The Characters:
Hunter = Luz
Darius = Eda
Eberwolf = King
Bat Queen = Hooty & Owlbert
King Hooty = Bat Queen
Owlets = Bat Babies