With her hand held between his own Natasha finds she's glad to have trusted Thor with this. Despite occasional obliviousness and cultural misunderstandings from his part, he's as reliable as a steady rock when push comes to shove. She's so very glad for that.
The blond squeezes her hand reassuringly then lets go, and she gives him a faint smile, surprised by the quiet sense of giddiness in her stomach.
"So, how does it work?" She asks, eager to get on with it.
She notes the subtle shift in his demeanor as Thor straightens his back slightly and presents her a serious but open face, preparing to explain and answer her questions like a teacher. Somehow, he seems much older now, it reminds her of Tolkien's elves; youthful of face but old of mind.
"Well, I would have to assess first how your insides fare. This operation you had?" He looks at her for confirmation on the words. "If there was a lot of damage caused, or if something was taken. I have to be aware of these things, that way I may know what I need for the spell."
He's perfectly serious when he says spell, but Natasha can't hide the smirk that touches her lips. Despite this, there's a growing pit in her stomach, an inner wariness that follows her around wherever she goes whenever she encounters things she doesn't fully trust.
"I'm guessing you don't mean to find this out with an X-ray? Are there things like that in Asgard?" She asks curious, imperceptibly settling herself down.
"Yes," he laughs lightly. "Not quite as… technological as you have here, and more on the magical side of things."
"Of course." She smirks.
"Of course." He wits right back at her. "But we can do without such things," he carries on "I am a bit out of practice, but it matters very little. With my seidr, I can perfectly get a feel of what goes on inside you." He tells her very sure of himself.
"What is your… seidr?" She tries to say it just like him, the r is strange sounding but she manages all right.
"Its… my essence." Thor says and places a hand on his chest. "My magic." He simplifies. "More like… what allows me to do magic."
The god sounds a bit mystified himself, like he doesn't know if the words he's using are the right ones.
Natasha thinks about what he's said for a moment and her skin begins tingling uncomfortably.
"Magic. He used magic on me. It… it went into me, to my chest." Natasha rubs Clint's back in comfort as he stares into the grey wall.
She has a knife with the trickster god's name engraved on it for the next time they meet. She's pretty sure her friend has a whole stack of arrows with it too.
She imagines how intrusive what Thor describes will feel like and she's not surprised to discover her heart is actually beating a little faster than usual.
In the back of her mind she remembers Loki- crazy-eyed and arrogant, carrying a bright blue staff that had taken her friend's mind and body captive. The blue, hypnotic glow that the weapon had possessed stays with her, as does the power she felt when it had been in her hands. But most of all she remembers Clint, waking up night after night, frightened out of his wits and slick with sweat, his breathing harsh and uneven. Clint, her best friend, unsure of what was real inside his mind.
"He was in my head. I could feel him. Crawling inside like a fucking snake. And… gripping… in here." He'd told her in the darkness of his room, placing a hand on his forehead.
He hadn't gone back home since the Battle of New York, too far from ready to confront Laura with this new found, invisible scar, still untamed and wild.
"It's okay, it's okay." She had tried to be comforting as she held him in her arms.
"No it's not, I-" he shuddered out a breath. "I sometimes feel like he's still inside my head and I… I don't trust that what's in there is mine. I've never felt something like that before." Clint was breathless for a moment.
"Like what?" Natasha asked and struggled to hear his whispered answer.
"Like I had another soul stuck inside me."
She thinks about her memory for a moment. She knows Thor is not his brother, he's so far from it, but the word magic still leaves a bitter taste in her mouth.
"Describe it to me. What do you do when you…" she frowns "feel with seidr?" Her words are calm, very subtly though, the redhead controls her breathing to slow her heart so Thor doesn't notice her unease.
He frowns to himself.
"That…" He makes a sound of consideration. "It's actually a hard question to answer?" He says with a rueful smile.
"How so?" She looks down as a puppy comes and gives them a few whiffs.
Thor pats it with a pleased expression until the dog is called away to his owner. The god turns his attention back to her.
"I have never actually thought about it, it's strange. It would be like trying to explain… how does one go about listening to sound? Nobody learns to hear, one just does. You either are born being able to listen or you are not." He tries to exemplify.
"You're saying it's a sense?" She asks, her eyebrows slightly raised in surprise.
"Maybe…" He wonders. "Perhaps in so little words it is. But it is so much more than that."
"Try to explain it anyway." She insists.
He thinks about it for a moment and when he doesn't speak again, she prompts him a bit warily, using what her fellow agent gave her to work with.
"Clint said… he once told me that when you brother mind-controlled him-" Natasha halts when Thor looks at her funny, a curious expression on his face.
"When he enchanted Clint?" She offers and Thor nods in understanding. "He said it felt like… having another soul inside his body." Though she tries to rein it in, from her face escapes a fraction of the disgust she harbors for the dark god.
The easiness they had shared up to this point starts slipping away. This is something they don't speak about, none of them. The Avengers have no lost love for Loki, but they all know perfectly well how much Thor still cares for him.
"That should have never been like that." The blond says, pondering to himself for a second.
When he looks at her, his eyes widen slightly in distress.
"My friend… feeling with my seidr, it is not painful at all and… it should not be felt with so much force as 'having another soul within one's self'. What my brother did," he looks pained as he says this, "it was wrong, and a horrid violation of the self."
She takes in a quiet breath as her mind brings Clint back to her, how broken he really felt and confessing to her his fears.
"I… would it be too bold to say I feel like I've been…" He choked on his words; he couldn't even say them.
Clint doesn't have to say anything though, Natasha understands.
"No, it wouldn't." She'd acknowledged.
"My brother knew better than to perform any enchantments like that. He's a master in his craft and that… that should have never been at all, no matter how good a sorcerer he really is." His brother's actions weight heavily on his shoulders, so much so he seems to slump from the conversation alone.
Natasha can read the sadness in his face and the blames he takes as his own every time Loki is brought up. She doesn't understand why he takes so much responsibility for his brother, can't grasp why in the world he would continue to carry crimes their own culprit felt no blame for. But she does know one thing.
"It wasn't your fault Thor." She says quietly. She resents Loki, but she'd never delude herself enough to think that that madman's actions were solely on someone else's shoulders.
"Do you…" the blonde hesitates when he looks at her. "Do you fear what I may use my magic for?"
"I…" It does, it really does worry her, but she lets out a calming sigh and looks into his big blue eyes, honest and caring.
"I'm wary," she finally admits. "But I know you and I don't think you'd ever hurt me on purpose. And if you did, then… you really are a better actor than anyone gives you credit for."
A small smile crosses her lips and Thor smiles back at her, his face full of relief. He lets out a chuckle.
They are quiet for a while longer. A wave of wind passes them, pushing through the fallen leaves that roll and trot at a slow pace over the cobblestone walkway.
"I would not say my seidr is my soul." The blond continues after a moment passes. "But it is a part of me, my essence, part of… my being." He touches his chest like he had before, Natasha notes and wonders if he can feel it there, his seidr.
"Do you feel it?" She is curious.
"Yes." He smiles at her, content. "It feels safe. It is like… a rain that never stops." He chuckles, "I've not tried to explain it before; it might sound foolish to you."
She shakes her head no and prompts him to go on.
"I'm really not sure if I am able to explain what I do but… I believe I may tell you what if feels like from my own perspective." He looks at the sky, thinking. "My mother, for example, even when she is too far away to touch, if she is looking for me with her seidr there is a sense I have of not being alone, like being cloaked and secure. Hers is gentle and quiet, but… it feels strong, very strong, not forceful but… strong like my will. Like sunrays." He looks at her with a smile then. "But I only notice because she wants me too. The All Mother… she's one witch not to be trifled with."
She can almost picture sun bathed halls of gold and marble, a shining queen dressed in the best fabric, a noble brow and wise eyes.
"That's beautiful Thor." Natasha says, still mulling over his words. "But I'm afraid I still don't understand." She shakes her head, lips pressed together in thought.
It feels like sunlight, he said. She concentrates on the feeling of the sun on her face, but still can't grasp what he's trying to say. To her, the sun is just warm on the surface of her body.
Thor rubs at his beard, thinking of other ways to explain. He laughs then and sighs.
"I confess, probably anyone else in my family could tell you better how seidr works." He passes a distracted hand through his golden locks. "All of them are great scholars and sorcerers, they have always been so. Myself… I always was a rowdy child unfortunately, never had the patience for lessons that did not involve the mastery of a new weapon." He gives her a regretful smile. "I am sorry."
"I guess all those people you used to help back in the day took your godliness at face value?" She jokes to disperse his well hidden preoccupation at being unable to deliver her good enough answers.
"Perhaps I could show you?" He suggests cautiously "Nothing invasive, just on a surface level; it'll be like calling your attention." He assures her.
"What do you have in mind?" Natasha allows a moment later. She's already told him she trusts him, might as well prove her vote of confidence a little further.
He looks around the park until he spots the fountain at the center.
"I will walk away within eyes distance over there," he eyes the fountain "I'll reach for you with my seidr and that will be all." Thor looks at her "If you wish me to stop just say the word."
"Okay." She accepts and he gives her a resurging smile.
Natasha observes him walk away, she can still see him, but if he spoke to her she probably wouldn't be able to tell unless he shouted.
Thor waves at her exaggeratedly from his position and she waves back, amused.
A moment passes.
Then she gasps softly at the unexpected sensation that culminates in the center of her chest. Perhaps if she were anywhere else she wouldn't've noticed, or maybe she would've shrugged it off as something else, but… She can feel something, like wind blowing very softly over her skin or a humming, a gentle vibration. It feels…
Natasha tries concentrating on the feeling; she knows she's felt this before, but what is it?
It dawns on her. It feels like a watered down version of Thor standing beside her. He is always so much larger than life, sunny and bright, and she can always feel him when he's close to her. This feels like that, his seidr, like the vague notion of someone's presence. Thor.
The feeling goes away, and Natasha's still a bit amazed if she's honest with herself.
Magic. She almost gives into the desire to laugh. Her life is ridiculous.
If anyone had told her she'd experience the magical powers of a god a few years back, she probably would've asked this person if they had considered professional help. Or maybe just glare into submission the very bad joke.
Thor is already walking back towards her.
"Well?" He inquires.
Under his happy smile she detects a drop of concern for her reaction. He's still worried the bad experiences with his brother will tint this in a negative light.
"It feels… like you." She chuckles, it's hard to explain, just like Thor had said. "Is this what you'd do when you check me?"
"Aye, but quite different. Here I just wanted to call your attention. What I would have to do is much more extensive, I do have to tell what was done inside you, if there is damage or if something was taken away. All of this, of course, if you still would like to do it." He adds at the end, not taking for granted her choice.
She wants to smile. If only she could make copies of Thor and set them free on earth to teach the many men in need of it some basic manners.
She's already decided this at least.
"Yeah. I would like you to check. Just to see what you'd need to do I…" She holds in the sudden rush of heat that wants to crawl to her neck. She never explained this to him and she doesn't want to think about what he thinks she wants. And saying it out loud would be embarrassing if nothing else.
"Excellent m'lady! We can proceed with this at any time of your choosing." He claims with his usual boisterousness, now that the seriousness of the topic has passed.
"I want to make clear first," she jumps in before he can go further down that excitement. He seemed like the kind of person who'd get in a toasting mood about that. "I'm not doing this because I want kids." She finally admits to him.
His eyebrows rise a little, there is perhaps a little confusion in his eyes and questions he's not sure he should ask.
Smart man.
"I…" Natasha sighs "I don't want this because of… my internal clock ticking or anything like that. When I was in the Red Room-" she looks at Thor. "The place they trained me, they took things from me. So, so many different things, one of them was this and… I'm doing my best to get what I can back. Last night when you told us what you could do and I realized…"
The god places a hand on her shoulder and smiles understandingly.
"Very well." He says a moment later. "Shall we go back to the tower? I believe food is in order." He puts a smooth end to the topic.
She feels relieved again. Natasha closes her eyes for a second and lets go of the tension in her body.
"Is Tony ordering in? I could do with some fancy food." She says as they start heading back.
The sky is bright blue as they head to their temporary home to their sort of family.
Natasha needs to tell Clint about this new development… that might not end as well as it probably could.
Abril: Hullo everyone! I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter :D
A brief explanation on my interpretation of seidir and the way Natasha feels it. I do picture Thor's seidir feeling more than Natasha described, but she, as someone who does not possess seidir, cannot grasp full how it feels.
Catch you all later and have a very pleasant day.