Author's Note: Go, on, review, it makes me happy!
I haven't seen James since that fateful trip to Transfiguration earlier today. What worries me most about this is that I'm thinking about it far too much. Really, it was just as simple as him coming to fetch me to class. But honestly, I can't help being touched by the thought. And that scares me, because I can't afford to be having these thoughts right now. I've lasted six years not being attracted to James Potter, so why should I start now?
And my NEWTs will be here in a few months, and how am I supposed to revise when I'm obsessing over him?
No, no, not obsessing. Stop it, Lily. Don't go there. It's just a phase, brought on by lack of sleep. If I go and get some rest, it'll all snap into perspective and I'll stop thinking about him that way. Right.
Going to sleep then.
- - - - -
OK, so going to sleep really doesn't help clear your head when you're just dreaming about the very same person you're trying not to think about.
It was a strange dream. I dreamt that I was with James, and we were hiding from someone. I was sure we were going to be found eventually, but somehow, it didn't seem to matter, because I was with James, and we were content to have each other. And then, the room got smaller and smaller, and turned into a cupboard. It was dark and cramped, and I'm suprised I wasn't more scared by it, because I'm not really fond of the dark, or small spaces. I'm a little claustrophobic to tell the truth, still, I suppose you're never quite yourself in a dream, are you? Anyway, after that, an owl brought me a letter, and the door to the cupboard opened and there was a bright light and then I woke up.
Strange, huh?
Meh, it's twenty to one. I really should go back to sleep. Maybe I'll let myself dream of James again, just a little. I can't help it if it feels good to think of us together.
- - - - -
With fresh morning eyes, I'm horrified at to read what I wrote last night. Not the dream bit, obviously, I can't help what I dream, but this bit: "it feels good to think of us together". I can't let myself think like that! Not about James Potter.
So, not thinking of him.
Much.
Oh, this is pathetic. I'm going for a walk.
- - - - -
My quill is recording again in my bag, and since it's raining I've got my magical umbrella up. I can hear the rain drumming on the magical barrier, and it's kind of comforting. You could almost lose yourself in the rhythmic noise, forget your earthly cares and worries and just listen to nature, pitter pattering away.
There's next to no-one by the lake, because of the weather. Suits me fine, because there aren't many I'd be in a mood to talk to right now. I guess I'll just wander a bit and see where the path takes me today.
It's leading down to the Whomping Willow, which I'm not too keen to go too close to, so maybe I'll sit on the wall here instead. Wait a minute - I know that solitary figure sitting over there. It looks very Remus Lupin shaped to me. Maybe I'll go have a chat.
"Hey." Poor thing, he looks sad. I've waved my wand and extended my umbrella out over him.
"Oh, hey, Lily." Even so, he managed a melancholy smile just for me. I'm touched, actually.
"What's up, Remus?" Such a terrible sigh; it's heartbreaking.
"Oh, you know. The usual." And yet, still he's smiling. Bless him, he's doing better than I would be under the circumstances.
"Anything I can help with?"
"No, not really." A small laugh. "I was just thinking about the future. You know, how we'll all turn out, when we leave Hogwarts." Now that wasn't quite what I was expecting.
"We'll all be rich, and happy, no doubt. Isn't that the way these things always end?" Well, you've got to try and be positive, haven't you? Remus doesn't seem to agree with me though, judging by the look on his face.
"Oh you will, no doubt, Lily, my dear. How could you not be?" Bless him, he's being sweet again. "Can't say so much for myself, as you know." Dark clouds are passing over his face, and I desperately would do almost anything to see them gone. Short of knowing quite what to do, I reach out and give him an awkward hug.
"You'll be alright, I know you will." He hugs me back, and then lets go. I feel myself missing the comforting touch almost immediately and shuffle a little closer to him to compensate. "Besides, do you really think that Sirius, James and I would leave you out in the cold?" I'm still smiling, but there's a small chill running through me at placing mine and James' names together like that. I'll try and ignore it, because now isn't the time. Luckily, it got a smile from Remus though.
"No," he says, "I suppose you wouldn't." A pause. "You're a real sweetheart, Lily, you know that."
"Aw, you're making me blush."
"Sorry."
"No, no, don't apologise. You're sweet too." And I realise that I mean it. He really is sweet; and funny, and quite cute. And oh so brave.
"He's very lucky." What?
"Who is?" And now he's just giving me that Remus-all-knowing smile again. Damn him for knowing me too well.
"I've got to be going Lily. Try not to get too melancholy out here on your own."
"Thanks, Remus."
And with that, he's gone, off into the drizzle towards the castle.
Remus really is sweet, and I do care a lot for him, and I will always be there for him. But I don't love him. Not like I feel for... other people. I kind of wish I did, because I'd have no problems with having that kind of depth of feeling for someone as kind and good and brave as Remus.
My biggest problem, of course, is that I'm beginning to think that maybe James is someone as kind and good and brave as Remus.
Maybe I need to talk to Remus again.