Hello, hello, hello!
Firstly, especially to my friends in the States, I hope everyone is staying safe. Let's spread love, yeah?
Welcome to another chapter! At the end of the last one, I said that THINGS were going to happen in this one... and they do! However, this chapter was getting a bit too long as I was writing it, so the THINGS I was referencing will actually be in the next chapter. I just didn't want the scene to be an afterthought in this one since I'm really excited about it, personally. :)
Enjoy! And please fav, follow, and review if you feel so inclined!
- CHAPTER 4: BANGERS AND MASH -
The chair I was sitting on was beginning to hurt my back. It was just a simple wooden chair, not meant for long term sitting like I had been doing. I kept having to remind myself to straighten out my posture every so often when I found myself slouching and the pain increased. Leaning back into a more comfortable position wouldn't be an option, as that would be considered 'sloppy' and we just couldn't have that, could we? With a small sigh, I once again sat up interlocking my fingers and placing them atop my crossed legs.
I had tuned out the voices of those around me long ago. It was the same thing every day for the past week and a half. I'd make my way to the hospital wing early in the morning, just in time for the first visitors to start trickling it. I would leave for class throughout the day but make my way back to this seat during every break. Currently, I was working my night shift, skipping yet another dinner in order to sit bedside. My stomach rumbled much as it did every day at this time and I fought the urge to place a hand over my abdomen.
Lucius was still recovering from his skirmish with Sirius, spending his days skipping classes and lying in a hospital bed dramatically. According to Madame Pomfrey, he was okay to walk around on his own a couple of days ago, albeit he would have to take it easy. Nevertheless, he was able to leave the hospital wing, he just chose not to in order to milk it for all the attention he could.
Of course, the last place I wanted to be was here. But my brother had made it clear that being anywhere else was not really an option.
"Elsbeth," Byron called me, not looking up from the book he was reading as he sat on the couch.
I was hoping that I had stayed out late enough for no one to be out and about in the common room, so I was surprised that he was there. It was the night after Sirius had 'viciously attacked,' as those in our house put it, Lucius on the trail to the greenhouses.
It was still unclear to me what had exactly happened and why. James had brushed over the incident during Herbology class as he wavered under Lily's increasingly annoyed look. Apparently, Sirius had approached Lucius suddenly, said something to him out of range of his friends, and then hexed him to all hell. Lucius was knocked out and severely injured before he could even pull out his wand. Unfortunately for Sirius, Lucius' friends Mulciber and Craggy were able to cast their own jinxes but weren't able to do anywhere near the same amount of damage before Hagrid stepped in. He was out of the hospital wing in a day and back to smugly walking the halls, gloating about putting my husband-to-be on bed rest for an extended period of time.
"You're back late," my brother continued, standing up as he closed his book and set it on the coffee table in front of him. He slowly made his way over to stand in front of me. "Where have you been?"
"Just in the greenhouses, helping out River," I said flatly. I hadn't spoken to him in the week and a half or so since we'd had our conversation in that abandoned classroom. In fact, I was kind of avoiding everyone. The only time I really interacted with anyone was during said greenhouse visits or on Prefect patrols. Since Lucius was otherwise preoccupied in the hospital wing, I had mostly been paired with Lily and now even Remus on occasion.
He was a strange boy, that Remus Lupin. He was kind to a fault and his first question was always about how I was doing as we started walking down our assigned corridor. There was this sense that I could talk to him about my actual feelings so, while I remained guarded and kept the details to myself, I wasn't afraid to tell him that I was actually feeling rubbish most of the time. Keeping quiet but clearly listening intently, he let me rant for a few minutes before settling us into a comfortable silence. Eventually, when he sensed that I had calmed down, he eased us into a nice conversation about classes. There were many occasions where I wanted to ask him about the bigger picture going on, but I held my tongue.
"Who?" My brother asked.
"Professor Puffywood," I answered, trying to sidestep him and get closer to the dorms. "She needed help gathering all the Bouncing Bulbs from the first year classes."
"You really shouldn't worry yourself with that kind of thing," he said, scrunching his nose. I was appalled once more at this new tone of his. This wasn't the Byron I knew and loved. I now knew that he had already been involved in this war for an extended period of time, but I wouldn't have guessed it before this year. Something had changed and I was dying to know what it was so I could help and get my old brother back.
"Why not?" I shot back defensively. "I enjoy it."
Some students left their dorms just then, chatting happily as they sat on the same couch Byron had previously been occupying. He glanced at them for a moment before walking in the direction of the large windows on the other side of the room, nodding for me to follow. After a long sigh, I followed him reluctantly. He leaned against the glass, looking out at the murky waters. I remained a few feet away, arms crossed.
"Because it's not proper," he said, rubbing a hand down his face. "You can't be seen with your hands in the soil."
"That's ridiculous," I raised my voice, the students on the couch turning their heads momentarily. "I doubt anyone even knows I'm down there."
"Shh!" He said gently. He pulled me closer so I was now leaning on the glass barely a foot in front of him. "To be honest, it's less about what you're doing and more about your lack of presence."
"My 'lack of presence'?"
"Yes," he looked me sternly in the eyes. "For example, your fiancee is in the hospital wing and you have yet to make an appearance."
"Yeah," I said with raised eyebrows. "Because I don't care to visit him."
"That's not acceptable." His stern gaze turned into a glare.
I looked solemnly out the window. I thought being pressured into picking a side was bad enough. Yet here I was actually being told what I needed to be doing. I might as well be on the other side of the glass, given how much it felt like I was drowning right now.
"Listen," he said, a little more glum, "I didn't want to tell you this, but word's gotten back to father that you're not really cozying up to Lucius. He's worried about what that's doing to our image, given that most of these kids have parents at the Ministry."
"And by 'worried,' you mean he's absolutely furious."
He frowned and nodded. "He's set me out to rectify the situation before it blows up or, worse, gets back to mother and Serpentina... Amongst others."
Well, at least that was a positive. I couldn't even begin to imagine the scathing letters I would receive from my mother if word of my behavior reached her. And Serpentina? Not a chance I would survive our next face to face meeting if she knew I wasn't being the perfect daughter-in-law to be.
"Are you the one that's been writing to him about all this?" I asked sadly as I turned away from the abyss beyond the windows to look into his eyes. I was hoping beyond hope that it wasn't him informing my father of my every movement.
"No, I would never," he said with a glum sigh. He almost seemed like he was disappointed that I would even think so. "Your husband-to-be has been writing to Abraxas, who's been telling father. I did get a nasty note from him after he found out I wasn't keeping him informed, though. So, unfortunately, moving forward, I'll have to... And if my letters don't align with Lucius', he'll know I'm not being honest. Which only spells more trouble for both of us."
"Of course he's been tattling to his precious father, the prick," I groaned, pressing my back up against the glass and facing away from him. I watched the students chatter happily on the couch, wishing they would leave so I could vent as loudly as I wanted to my brother.
They were two boys in seventh year, as I'd noticed them sitting with Byron's group of friends before. I wondered if they were looped into everything that was going on. Voldemort was recruiting them younger, Lily had said. Watching them animatedly talk as the fire cast them into shadow, making them merely silhouettes, I began to speculate - were they talking about class or the cause?
"He's got to, Elsbeth," Byron pulled my attention back to him. "There's a lot of eyes on your marriage, including —"
He paused, eyes suddenly becoming downcast as he considered what he was going to tell me.
"Including the Dark Lord's," he finally continued in a whisper. "He needs this marriage to happen. He's already upset that you won't be able to marry until the summer after next, which is why he's pushing for the most publicity possible leading up to it. The Daily Prophet spread is only the beginning. There's going to galas galore over the breaks and next summer... At least it'll take some pressure off of me and Andromeda."
He smirked at the thought, but quickly dropped it when I shot him a small glare.
"Why does me marrying that, that—" I dug through my brain for the right word, "arsehole matter so much? Isn't this just your standard blood and politics thing?"
"It's become more than that. This marriage was already politically motivated, but now he sees it as an opportunity to solidify his infiltration of the Ministry, both here... and in France. We have heavy influence on the inside now, given more of our recruits are entering the workforce there. He sees you and Lucius as the next phase."
"Okay," I said slowly as I digested. "What exactly does that mean?"
"His expansion throughout Europe starts with you two. Father's going to go back to France after my wedding in order to keep an eye on new recruits there. I'm going to be taking over his position at that time, working alongside Lucius. And then you, and you're not going to like this, will act as the French liaison for the Ministry here. You two are the link between him and his first major move to another country. Being married will only strengthen your standings."
Unbelievable. Being involved in a grand scheme but not knowing it only increased my frustration and fury with the situation. I tried to control my breathing before I started to hyperventilate from pure rage.
"So," he continued, "all that being said, appearances are more than important right now. No one's going to take this marriage seriously if you guys aren't playing the part. Lucius understands that and you need to, too... You might be safe here, but just remember we have family on the outside."
My head snapped to him, anger written all over my face. "What are you saying right now?"
"He doesn't like when things don't go his way, Elsbeth. And he's not afraid to use force to get his way. We can't anger him. Not for our sakes, but for mother and father... and grandmaman."
I gasped, not believing that he was suggesting what I thought he was suggesting.
"Is he threatening them?" I whispered furiously.
"Not outright, but there have been insinuations," he frowned.
It couldn't be true. How could someone want to hurt his followers, some of his seemingly most loyal at that, just because they didn't comply with his wishes? He wasn't a leader, he was a dictator. Mother and father, as cruel as it sounds, at least made sense. Father was in his inner circle so he was already an easy target just by sitting in the snake's den. But our grandmaman on our father's side, the only living grandparent we had left, seemed so far removed from the situation. It was cruel and unnerving how far his reach extended.
The thought of my mother and father, no matter what their faults, getting hurt because of me was already bad enough. However, if he laid a hand on my grandmaman, I would never forgive myself or him. She was so precious to me and I hoped I was to her. Every summer we spent in France was filled with her baked goods, walks in her massive garden, and, most importantly to me, long and meaningful talks over tea. She was the first one to tell Byron and me that it was okay to think differently and, therefore, the catalyst for our progressive mindset despite our parent's efforts to thwart it otherwise.
Like many in the pureblood elite, she was betrothed at a young age. Luckily for her, it was to someone she ended up loving unconditionally, feelings that her husband reciprocated. It was strange because, in many ways, they were exact opposites. He was conservative and upheld the ideals of his blood status. Meanwhile, she questioned him at every turn. She didn't think less of those outside of our community, though she would never admit it openly due to political reasons. But nevertheless, she enjoyed the challenge he offered while he was attracted to her boldness and, as such, their love story unfolded.
Our grandpere didn't agree with her at first, which is probably why our father was as close-minded as he was. He raised him on a belief system based on hate over logic and, as a result, our father continued to lead a life promoting those ideologies. My grandmaman set out to make sure that never happened with her grandchildren.
"An open mind is an intelligent mind," she would always say as she dipped another biscuit into her tea while she sat with me and Byron on their patio that overlooked their enormous garden, filled to the brim with blooming summer flowers.
Every chance she got, she preached acceptance to us and, eventually, this prickled the ears of her husband. We noticed his gradual shift in mindset over time. He went from chiding her for speaking her mind over dinner, to shrugging and nodding when she went on a tangent while we sat around the fire chatting before bed. I'm sure he never completely changed his mind about what he regarded as true, but one of my most vivid memories from my childhood was him asking my father to forgive him while he laid on his deathbed. I didn't understand what for when I was younger, but as I grew up, I eventually learned.
So, yes, this tyrant threatening her was unacceptable. Only made worse by the fact that there was only one way for me to help her.
"What do you need me to do?" I finally murmured, completely defeated.
"Please, please," he was pleading now, which almost scared me more than him being cruel. "Just pretend. I know you'll never be able to be truly happy, or even content. And I am sorry for that. But you need to pretend that you are. Pretend that you love Lucius, that you can't wait to raise a family with him, and that you're happy to complete the job that the Dark Lord will eventually bestow upon you."
I once again looked out the window. Like so many times before, I saw a school of fish float by. I'd never been jealous of a fish, but I found in that moment that I was. What it must be like to not have a care in the world besides avoiding the rare Selkie that resides in the abyss of the lake. Honestly, I'd rather face ten thousand Selkies at once than continue on this path I was forced to walk.
"Alright," I gave a small smile but felt a tear run down my face. "I'll head to visit Lucius first thing in the morning."
I wiped away my tears with the sleeve of my jumper, not wanting yet another day of puffy eyes.
"I wasn't lying at the beginning of the year, you know," he said as he sent me a somber smile. "It will get better, Beth."
My heart warmed just a little as his tone returned to the kind one I had grown up with.
"True, but at the time you said nothing about how I had to get involved this significantly," I said, half playfully if only to elevate the mood a little bit.
"Because I couldn't," he sighed, moving his hands to his pockets and leaning back against the window, eyes peering out at the same school of fish I was just looking at. "But we've all agreed that it's in your best interest to know."
"'We'?"
"Father, Abraxas, me, and Lucius. If it'll get you to play along and, therefore, keep the Dark Lord happy, we're all for giving you the information you want."
"Glad to know I have a committee of people who will decide what's best for me," I sighed, but couldn't be mad. At the end of the day, this didn't even surprise me. "I won't have to become an... 'official' member of his army or anything, right? Can I just do my job and go home?"
"Death Eater," he said flatly. "That's what we're called. And yes, as long as you keep up pretenses and complete your duties within the Ministry as directed, he won't make you join the official ranks. Which is quite the pity. You won't be blessed with this beautiful thing for the rest of your life."
Saying the last part in jest with a smirk, he made sure the students on the couch weren't looking in our direction before turning to face the glass. Moving forward so I was right beside him, I watched as he rolled up the sleeve of his button-up until his left forearm was exposed. It was bare.
"Am I supposed to—"
Before I could finish, it appeared. Boldly imprinted into his pale skin was the image of a skull with a snake coiling out of its mouth. Instinctively, I raised my hand to trace the pattern of the serpent. It was like I could feel its cool, scaly skin crawl underneath my fingertips. I felt a chill run down my spine at the sensation and quickly removed my hand.
"They branded you," I whispered.
"It's how we know who's who and how we call each other," my brother nodded. He didn't seem pressed about it. Maybe he was just used to it at this point. "Part of the standard initiation process."
He gave me a sad shrug before it disappeared once more and he rolled his sleeve back down. I engulfed him into a hug which he reciprocated instantly. Voldemort had taken everything from Byron. I couldn't make it any worse for him, but I still feared how much of myself I would lose in the process. I slowly pulled away as he held onto my shoulders lovingly.
"Can I make one last selfish request?" I asked hesitantly. "You know, before my every movement is monitored for the rest of my life."
He rolled his eyes as he let go of my shoulders. Returning his hands to his pockets, his mouth turned into a smirk. "Depends on what it is, but I imagine you'll do it no matter what I say."
"Just let me help out at the greenhouses," I implored, even raising my hands into a begging position. "It's the one thing I love to do around here and I won't have the option to do anything like it after I graduate."
He stared at me in wistful contemplation.
"Please?" I continued. "I'll try to keep it discreet."
"Fine," he gave in after a few more moments of contemplation. "I'll have to double-check with father, of course, but I'll make a case for you."
"Thank you! Thank you!" I gave him another quick hug, appreciative of his willingness to bend on something so important to me.
"Yeah, yeah," he pulled away, ruffling my hair like he used to do when we were kids.
His mouth was a small smile, but his eyes were sad. I imagine, much like me, he knew that things would never be the same again.
"And, of course," Lucius' cold tone pulled me out of my reverie, "my recovery wouldn't be as swift if it weren't for the constant solace of my wonderful fiancee."
He reached out to place a cool hand on my knee, my chair being right beside his bed. Fighting every urge in my body that wanted to recoil, I placed my left hand over his, making sure to show off my flashy ring to all those sitting around the bed.
We were currently joined by his usual squad of Mulciber and Craggy, the first names of whom I had learned on the first day of bedside duty but had quickly forgotten. Also around his bed sat Severus Snape, a boy in my grade who was hated by the Gryffindor Quartet for some reason, as well as Regulus Black, little brother of famed Sirius who was just a year under us. It was an odd mix of students, but I knew there was at least one thread that bound them together.
I didn't say anything but sent him the most loving smile I could muster, bile rising in my stomach all the while. Maybe I would have actually thrown up if I had had anything to eat today. Like I felt, Mulciber and Craggy looked almost disgusted by our sudden increase in affection. Meanwhile, if the two at the foot of the bed felt anything about it, they didn't show it. Like usual, Severus was just staring off into the distance like he was in his own world but still somehow keeping track of what was going on around him. Regulus on the other hand looked kind of nervous for some reason, keeping his head down and fiddling with his fingers.
"Yeah, all great, mate," Craggy jumped in, leaning closer to Lucius so as to not be overheard by anyone else in the room. "But when're you getting out of here? The, uh, younger ones are getting a little anxious for next moves. Acting out a little bit, against plans."
He was referencing the increasing amount of hostile actions on behalf of some of the fifth year Slytherins towards others. These movements were targeted towards Gryffindors primarily, but they also attacked random Hufflepuffs or Ravenclaws from time to time to keep things less obvious. I knew this to be the case because they had openly talked about it during my early days in the hospital wing. Apparently, Lucius' assault had ignited warfare amongst the students at Hogwarts, those at home seeing it as an obvious attack from the 'other side.'
"All in due time, Augustus," Lucius said, repositioning himself on his bed. Right, that was his name. Augustus Mulciber II, I believe. What a stupid name for an equally as stupid boy. "I can't just go waltzing about in my condition."
"Yes, my dear" I suddenly said in a sickeningly sweet voice, shocking the boys around the bed. "But I believe I speak for everyone when I say we miss your presence in the hallways."
Of course, I didn't. Not one bit. What I did miss was seeing other parts of the castle besides this room. I would have to stick by his side no matter what, but at least it wouldn't be in this stupid chair. Lucius sent me a subtle glare, seeing right through me.
"We need to meet again soon," Mulciber continued. "They want to know if there's any news from the outside. Like when..."
He stopped, narrowing his eyes at me and I fought the urge to roll mine. Every time a new plan or piece of information was to be introduced, he waited for Lucius' approval to talk about it, not trusting me in the slightest.
"Not to worry," Lucius patted my knee. "Anything you can say to me, you can say in front of Elsbeth. She's with us, after all."
He looked to me to affirm his words. I just nodded with a curt smile.
"Fine," Mulciber continued with a grumble. "Everyone wants to know when the next meeting is. You know, when he's going to lay out the plans for the big strike."
"An offensive movement of this size requires careful preparation," Lucius answered. "But I can tell you that the next meeting will take place over the holiday break, after which Byron and I will disperse our agenda to you all. I would expect us to take action on the first day of the new year, though."
His two main goons nodded silently, while Severus and Regulus still didn't move. I realized then that this was a general's meeting of sorts, sans my brother. Over the past week, I had begun to formulate the hierarchy of students on Voldemort's, and now my side of things. Lucius and Byron were at the top of the pyramid, with Mulciber and Craggy acting as their right-hand men. However, it was clear their allegiances laid more with the former than my brother. Under their guidance, Severus headed initiatives in my year, while Regulus looked over recruits in fifth year. I hadn't seen anyone from fourth year or below. Apparently there was a cut off for what was considered too young even to the Dark Lord.
I looked over at Regulus. Even he seemed too young to be involved in all this. Most of the meetings they had, he acted as he did now. Head sunk, eyes to the floor. Even Severus said more than him. However, when he did speak it was with malice towards those who opposed us. I felt pity for the boy, knowing he must have been forced into this by his family in some sort of twisted attempt to regain the family honor. No matter how nasty his words were, it wasn't clear to me yet whether or not he actually aligned with any of the ideals he was meant to act on.
"Noted, boss," Craggy said, standing. "We'll disperse to the troops. Are we still carrying out the hex bombing on the sixth years this Friday?"
"Yes," Lucius said nonchalantly like they were talking about an upcoming Quidditch match. He turned his attention to the long-haired boy next to Regulus. "Severus, are you ready to carry this one out?"
He nodded, standing as well. "Of course. Everybody knows their positions."
"Black and his disgusting friends won't know what hit them," Mulciber laughed. "No offense, of course."
He directed the last part towards Regulus. The boy just shrugged, also getting up from his chair.
"No bother," he said quietly. "He's no brother of mine, after all. We'll meet you all in place on the fifth floor as planned."
"Good," Lucius nodded. "On you all go."
With that, they were dismissed and left the hospital wing. Mulciber and Craggy's laughs rang throughout the room as they leisurely made their way to the door, no doubt talking about their plans for Friday. Severus and Regulus just stormed away, parting paths as they reached the corridor.
I finally sighed with relief, slouching into my chair and removing my hand completely from Lucius'. We both understood that after they all left, there was no need for me to depict myself as the perfect wife-to-be. However, I wasn't out of the clear yet, as it was still a part of my new job to keep things cordial with my fiancee. Even if he knew it was all a farce.
"So," I broke through the silence that had formed between us, playing with the hem of my skirt. "Are you keeping up with the schoolwork we're bringing you?"
He sent a roll of the eyes my way and I frowned. So much for cheerful conversation practices. He must have seen something in my look because his face contorted in resignation.
"It's being done," he shifted to fully sit up in his bed. When I saw him flinch, I unbelievably leaned over to help him. "Craggy's got a couple of students working on it all."
Easing back into my chair, I groaned. So typical.
"How are you going to learn if you don't do your own work?"
"What's there to learn? The make-believe importance of crystals? The pointless history of wandlore? No, I think I'm better off without that knowledge. If they taught politics, maybe I would pay a little more attention."
He gave out a huff as I handed him his evening dose of anti-hex medication and a cup of water. He grabbed it with a curt nod of the head in thanks.
"I mean," I started, recrossing my legs and sitting up. It was almost time for his next wave of visitors. "All of it really boils down or applies to politics at some level, doesn't it? Divination isn't just about 'the Sight' or whatever the hell she calls it, but also about our past and how it reflects on our future. Not to mention the dissection of prophecies... Isn't there an entire department studying those at the Ministry? And History of Magic is plenty about politics. Just maybe not the kind you care about."
At the end of my mini-rant, I gave a little shrug. I was expecting to get another glare but was surprised when I actually saw his mouth pull into a little smirk.
"I think you're going to be most useful in your position, Elsbeth," he said arrogantly. "We'll run the Ministry in no time."
He looked off with a smile like he was giddy at the thought of it. I, on the other hand, stared off into space with a frown. Running the Ministry? I didn't like the sound of that. My goal was to do as little as possible for this cause. But if there was anything I learned while sitting at his side, it was that the plan was always changing.
"Hmm," was my eventual noncommittal response. "Anyway, what were you all talking about? What's this 'offensive movement' you all have planned?"
"Firstly, lower your voice a little more, my dear," he said and I shuddered slightly. The more we amicably spent time together, the more frequently he called me pet names, even without others around. "And secondly, let us worry about that, yes?"
I narrowed my eyes, once again slouching as I stared him down.
"I thought it was agreed that there wouldn't be any secrets if I asked?" My tone was pompous.
"True... I guess there's no harm." he mused, smugly. He side-eyed me for a moment before sighing. He motioned for me to lean in so he could whisper in my ear. "He's calling a gathering after your brother's wedding party over the holiday break. It's to discuss our first major siege in a Muggle town. He thinks it's time to stop being dormant and send a powerful message."
My heart caught in my throat for a moment before I gulped it down. So this was it. In just a couple of short months, I was going to be complicit in a grand scheme for murder. Against defenceless non-wizards at that. It seemed less like a message and more like decimation.
Not that I knew what to say anyway, but I didn't have time to respond. Just then, Narcissa and Andromeda Black, followed closely by my brother, entered Lucius' makeshift room. Playing off our proximity, he gave me a kiss on the cheek that I probably pulled away from too quickly. I tried to play it off by sending him a fake warm smile. My brother sent me a knowing look, while Andromeda looked slightly confused. Narcissa, on the other hand, looked a little hurt. During her visits, I'd been noticing that she spent a significant amount of time glaring at me when she wasn't overwhelmingly doting on Lucius.
I mean, if she wanted him, she could have him.
"Ah!" Lucius said charmingly. "The in-laws! Family's all here."
After what felt like an eternity of surface-level chatter, Lucius dismissed Andromeda, Narcissa, and me to have some one-on-one time with my brother. Not able to openly discuss the end of the world in front of the Black sisters, we had kept things light. This, unfortunately for me, included plans to visit Hogsmeade together once Lucius was better. Narcissa scrunched up her face at what I imagined to be the thought of her as the fifth wheel.
So us girls departed, leaving the boys behind to talk about hexing sixth years and murdering Muggles. I must have been spacing off while thinking about it because I wasn't pulled back to reality until I felt aggressive tugs on my left arm. I turned to see Narcissa as the culprit, looking pretty pleased about her use of force.
"Elsbeth?" Andromeda asked kindly. "Are you okay? We're heading back to the common room if you want to come with us."
The answer to her question was a resounding no. I was absolutely not okay. I wasn't able to think about it too deeply while we were joined by them and my brother, but we were about to enter a new era of cruelty. I'm sure most thought we would be rid of it, at least for a while, after the defeat of Grindelwald decades ago. It would seem we were all mistaken. Something akin to a large boulder began to form in the pit of my stomach at the thought of it all.
"Erm, no that's fine," I fiddled with the end of my hair, not looking in her eyes. "I'm a bit peaky, so I'm going to see if the house-elves will give me a snack."
"Alright, we'll see you later," she reached out to squeeze my free hand reassuringly before turning to her sister. "C'mon, Cissy."
Narcissa didn't even give me a second glance as she sauntered away beside her sister. Watching as they rounded a corner, I let out a scoff. What I wouldn't give for her to take this life over me.
Being so close to curfew, there wasn't a soul in the corridors as I made my way down to the kitchens. Trudging along, I pulled off my engagement ring and put it in a pocket in my satchel. It was something I did every night when I left the hospital wing. In a world where I felt helpless, it was the one bit of power I had left, even if it was something I had to keep all to myself. It was nice to have the ring off, to not feel its weight on my finger, while I was still awake rather than just when I put it on my side table when I went to bed.
"Ah, Miss Ledoux!" The head kitchen elf, a spunky little guy named Peppit, exclaimed as I pushed open the door. "So good to see you, ma'am."
"Peppit, please," I giggled, avoiding working elves as they ran around the kitchen while I made my way over to the stovetops. "You can call me Beth. 'Miss Ledoux' and 'Ma'am' make me feel old."
"As you wish, ma—Miss Beth," it seemed to hurt him to say it, but he relaxed when I shot him a bright smile. "What will Miss Beth be wanting to eat tonight?"
"Don't worry about it," I sped ahead of him before he could reach the ingredients closet. "I'm fine. You guys finish up and head out of here."
"But, Peppit would love to help Miss Beth. It is his duty to feed the great students of Hogwarts."
It was the same conversation we had every night since I started coming here the first day I had bedside duty. He would ask me what I wanted, I would tell him not to worry about it, and we would push back and forth until finally, we came to a middle ground where we would make the food together. The catch was that we had to do it by hand, no magic, so he couldn't just make it and be done.
For tonight's meal, we decided on bangers and mash. I was in the mood for some breakfast food since I'd had to skip it entirely for the past week and a half. We gathered what we needed from the pantries and sat down at the large prep table to start peeling some potatoes for the mash half of the dish.
We chit-chatted casually. He talked at length about how his family had been house-elves for Hogwarts for generations, his ancestors being some of the first elves that ever worked for the school.
"Do you ever wish that you didn't have to work here, though?" I asked, setting a completely peeled potato to the side and moving onto the next. His face contorted in worry like I had asked him a trick question. "It'd be perfectly natural if you did, don't worry."
I sent him a sweet smile which he returned, also adding a peeled potato to our pile.
"Peppit thinks every elf wonders about a life where they don't have to work for masters," he said carefully. "But Peppit is just happy that he works at Hogwarts rather than for others."
I thought back to the Malfoys' elf, Dobby, that I had met on the train platform and frowned. Hell, even our elf Flippy didn't have it that great.
"Does anyone want any tea?" I asked the remaining elves after a few moments of silence. There were about ten or so of them left to finish cleaning the kitchens. They never said yes, but I always asked just in case.
"I'd love a cup."
My head whipped to the doorway and I almost dropped the kettle I had just filled with water. Sirius Black leaned against the frame, hands in pockets like it was the most normal thing in the world for him to be there. I narrowed my eyes at him as he sauntered over to sit a few chairs down from where I had previously stationed myself to work on the potatoes.
"Oh yeah? Would you like any sugar or milk?" I asked sarcastically.
"I just take mine black, thanks," he said, reaching to analyze one of the forks on the table. He froze when he noticed the incredulous look on my face. "What? You asked, sweetheart."
With a shrug, he put the fork down. Taking long strides, he walked over to where I was standing by the stoves.
"Here, I'll do it and you can get back to," he waved his hands in the general direction of the table, "fixing potatoes and whatnot. What are you making anyhow?"
"Wait, I'm sorry," I said, practically slamming the kettle down on the stovetop. "What is it you're exactly doing here?"
"Oh Peppit and I go way back, isn't that right?" He turned to ask the house-elf who was still peeling potatoes.
To my absolute delight, the house-elf almost sneered.
"Why yes, Master Black and Peppit know each other quite well," from his tone, I could tell there was a story to be told there.
"See?" The boy lit the stove with a grin, forcing me to take a step away as he invaded my personal space. "We're good pals. I come down here quite a bit for a late night snack."
I stared blankly at him for a long moment, crossing my arms. He still had cuts littered around his face, the most prominent of which went from his mouth down his chin. Combined with his long messy hair tied up in a bun, he looked like he belonged in the woods, foraging for his food versus preparing tea in an extravagant kitchen.
"Looks good, doesn't it?" He asked abruptly. "Gives me that rugged bad boy look."
How had I never realized how absolutely annoying this boy was? I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to get rid of him.
"I could give you detention for staying out past curfew, you know," I said sternly.
"Yeah, but the thing is," he made up the steps I had taken away from him. "I'm already here. So detention or not, I might as well stay and get some food. What's on the menu, sweetheart?"
"Ew," I just whispered, taking steps back once again. I took a very long pause to consider. He had pretty much saved me that one night when things got heated between me and Lucius... I suppose letting him stay wouldn't hurt. "But fine. We're making bangers and mash and, no, you don't get a choice of something else."
With a triumphant smile, he waltzed to the table. Now, he placed himself in the seat right next to mine and pulled out his wand.
"No, no, no. No wands. Peppit and I do everything without magic."
"Why on Ear -" but he stopped short with the glare I sent him. He picked up a potato with a grumble and began peeling.
I retook my place in the seat next to him. Grabbing a potato, I began to chop. For a while, the only sound in the room was my knife hitting the cutting board.
"Where'd a gal like you learn to cook?" Sirius asked after completing a potato. His tone was light like we were almost friends.
"A 'gal like me'?" I shot back. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"No offense," he stood as the kettle whistled, "but you don't seem like the type who had to grow up cooking her own meals."
I watched as he prepped our drinks, pouring himself a cup of unadorned black tea. He filled up a cup for me and paused. Slowly, he turned to look at me, an inquisitive look on his face. I just stared back blankly, a little unnerved when he didn't move for a minute.
"I take you as a dollop of milk kind of girl," he finally said confidently. "Am I right?"
Rolling my eyes, I turned back to my potatoes. "One sugar."
"Dammit!"
Despite my best efforts to restrain myself, I couldn't stop the small giggle in response to his sarcastic frustration. With a huff, he sat back down and set our cups of tea on the table. I grabbed mine, blowing away the heat before taking a small sip. He had done really well, the perfect sugar to tea ratio.
"For the record," I said as I sat the cup back down, "just because I wasn't allowed to prepare my meals, doesn't mean I didn't learn how to cook."
"You, a pureblood princess, got your hands dirty like that?" He asked as he started chopping an onion for the gravy. Every couple of seconds he would wipe his eyes due to the tears that formed from the action. "I remember I wasn't allowed anywhere near the kitchen when I was at home. That place was restricted to the elves."
It was a little shocking how casually he talked about his previous life, especially to me, someone he had never had a full conversation with before this. Maybe he just wasn't ashamed of his past or his actions. I had to admit I was a little jealous of how candid he could be.
"First of all, don't call me that," I asserted. "And technically I wasn't allowed either. But I got bored and it's not like anyone else in my family went into the kitchen, so I was never caught... Plus my grandmaman always made biscuits with us when our parents shipped us off to stay with her during the summer."
I stood to start boiling all the chopped potatoes, him following me shortly after in order to cook the gravy. Peppit grabbed a frying pan for the sausage and hopped up on the counter next to us.
"So yeah, I learned a couple things, thank you very much."
"Well, we'll see when we try all this, won't we?"
"Miss Beth is an excellent cook," Peppit chimed in. I smiled at the annoyed tone of his voice. Never before had I seen a house-elf so bold with someone considered his 'master.' "Peppit always loves when Miss Beth makes food."
"Ha," I said dryly to the long-haired boy beside me. "Maybe it's you we should be worried about. Are you sure you can handle that gravy without poisoning us?"
"Ha ha," he mimicked me mockingly. "I was also able to pick up a few things while living with the Potters. So don't you worry your pretty little head over it. This is going to be the best gravy you've ever had, mark my words."
I rolled my eyes at his confidence and then we proceeded in silence for a bit.
I absentmindedly watched as the potatoes boiled, only slightly aware of the boy and the house-elf beside me. What was I even doing? He was the 'enemy.' I shouldn't be casually cooking with him. If Lucius knew... I couldn't even think about it. What if they had someone following me right now? It had happened before and Byron had made it clear that they weren't against it. I cautiously looked at the closed door. Was someone standing behind it, listening to our every word?
"Earth to the princess," Sirius waved a hand in front of me as I looked past him. He turned to glance at the door as well, only pausing on it for a moment. "What're you looking at? You're going to over boil those if you're too busy staring at the woodwork."
"It's nothing," I muttered.
I mashed the potatoes just in time for him to finish the gravy. Peppit looked at me proudly as he plated the sausages and jumped down from his position on the counter. We all made our way to the table and set down the dishes full of food. Peppit and I grabbed plates and silverware and we all took our seats around the table. Sirius was across from me, while Pippet sat beside me at the head.
The rest of the elves had left for the night, so the only sound that echoed around the kitchen now was the clinking of the dishes as we grabbed food. It was like we were some happy family gathering for dinner. It unnerved me how content I felt with it. I shook off the feeling.
"Well," I said to Sirius with a smirk, "let's see how you did."
Scooping a little bit of everything onto my plate, I furiously stabbed my fork into the mashed potatoes and gravy. I realized how hungry I was, having not eaten all day, and unceremoniously stuffed the food into my face. Frustratingly, the gravy was delicious. Maybe even the best thing on the plate. Keeping my face level, I tried to hide how much I was enjoying it.
I noticed Peppit wasn't eating anything, so I piled up a plate and pushed it towards him. It always took a bit of encouragement for him to actually eat the food he helped make.
"Eat, Peppit," I chided him. "You must be hungry after a long day of hard work."
"Thank you, Miss Beth," he slid the plate in front of him and picked up his fork. "Miss Beth is always so kind to Peppit."
I sent him a smile before digging back into my own food. About to take another big bite of mashed potatoes, I felt like I was being watched. I looked up to see Sirius staring at me. His facial expression was blank as he popped a piece of sausage into his mouth.
"What?" I asked between bites. "Something on my face?"
He shook his head. "You're just curious is all."
"What?"
"Haven't eaten today?" His tone was kind as he swerved topics, shocking me a little bit.
"No," I muttered. "I'm mostly with Lucius during the day, so I don't really get to eat in the Great Hall."
I paused. It was actually all his fault that I had to eat dinners in the middle of the night, wasn't it?
"Actually," I continued, my voice dripping with sarcasm "I should probably thank you for all this. It's because of you I have to be bedside and skip meals."
He just shrugged, his mouth contorting into a smile. "Prick shouldn't have gotten in my way."
"I seem to recall the tale being that you went up to him, actually."
Peppit remained quiet, eyes darting between the two of us nervously as he scooped his mashed potatoes. Poor guy, we probably shouldn't be putting him in the middle of this.
"Can't remember the details too clearly," he replied in a tone that told me he knew exactly what had happened. "Craggy got me pretty good, you know?"
"Ugh," I groaned. "You're kind of insufferable."
"I get that a lot, sweetheart."
He shot me a wink before he went back to just staring at me inquisitively. I tried to ignore him by stabbing at my sausages. A couple of times, I even tried starting a conversation with Peppit to distract myself from his gaze. However, I couldn't concentrate on what was being said.
"Dear Merlin," I finally gave in and turned back to meet Sirius' eyes. "What?"
"You're just... different, I've noticed," he finally took his shockingly grey eyes off of me and dropped them to his plate, focusing on cutting another piece of sausage.
"You've noticed that from the way I make mashed potatoes?" I asked quizzically. "We've barely talked before this. You can't know anything about me."
"Hmm, maybe so," he mused, eyes staring off into the distance like he was remembering something. "But maybe I know more about you than you think."
"Doubtful," I scoffed. "But if you're following me, I'd prefer it if you stopped. I've got enough eyes on me."
I mumbled the last part. If he heard, he didn't say anything, which I was grateful for. We finished our meal in silence after that. The plates were wiped clean by the time we all stood up to wash the dishes.
"Shoo, Peppit," I blocked the elf from jumping up on the counter near the sinks. "Go to bed, we can take care of this."
"But, Miss Beth—" he began before I interrupted him.
"No buts, off with you."
With a smile and a little nudge towards the door, Peppit finally trudged his way out of the kitchen. Every other step or so, he would look back at us just in case there was an opportunity to help. But finally, he disappeared out the door.
I turned to Sirius who was walking over to the sink with a stack of plates.
"Please tell me," he said nonchalantly as he placed them in the sink, "that we get to use magic for this at least?"
With a flick of my wand, the dishes started washing themselves. I sent a smirk in his direction before going to sit back down at the table. I tapped the cup in front of me with my wand and watched as my previously cooled tea warmed itself back up. Sirius did the same after sitting down across from me.
"What are you still doing here?" I asked, taking a sip of the tea. It never tasted as good when it was reheated like this.
"What are you still doing here?" He asked back, mimicking my question and my movements.
"I asked you first," but he didn't budge at the retort. His eyes just gazed into mine again, making me fidget uncomfortably as the seconds went on. I had a feeling he knew what he was doing. "I always make sure the dishes get done and are put up properly. If something goes wrong with the spell, I don't want that falling on Peppit and the rest of them."
"Hmm," he just continued to stare, increasing my restlessness.
"You know, I'm sure all of that," I waved my hands over my eyes to indicate what I was talking about, "works on other girls, but honestly it's just making me uncomfortable."
"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about," he smirked while I scrunched up my face in revulsion.
"Oh, of course not," I mocked. We both sipped our tea in silence.
"So I hear," he said calmly after a moment, suddenly focusing on his teaspoon like it was the most important thing in the world, "that you know what's going on."
Ahh, here it was. The truth behind why he had actually bothered to stay for so long.
"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about," I mustered up in my best Sirius voice.
To my surprise, he didn't take the joke well. His face formed into a frown while his eyebrows scrunched to turn his once bright eyes dark.
"I don't appreciate anyone taking this lightly," he said grimly.
"And I don't appreciate you sticking around under false pretenses to talk about something that I, quite frankly, do not care about discussing," I bit back. "What were you expecting? Some juicy inside scoop about what's going on on 'my side.'"
My voice was rising in both pitch and anger. He raised his hands defensively.
"Calm down, sweetheart. I just wanted to chat," he said coolly. "Lily is under the impression that you're on the fence about everything."
"Yeah, well Lily doesn't know the whole story," I said, tone still scathing. His face fell and for some reason, I felt guilty about my words. I continued in a grumble. "Sorry, I'm just under a lot of pressure right now."
He gave me a somber smile, waiting for me to continue.
"But I'm not going to and cannot say anything. So if that's all you're here for, you might as well leave."
I waited for him to get up and walk out, expecting that's all he wanted. But he didn't. He just continued to stare, lifting his cup once more to sip his tea. He sighed when he realized I actually wasn't going to speak.
"Fine, then you can just listen," he leaned forward, placing his elbows on the table. "I don't think you're following your heart on this one. I, of all people, can relate to being trapped in the wrong life."
"It's not apples to apples, though, is it?" I leaned in as well, our faces now just inches apart. I looked into his eyes with a glare while his gaze just remained level. "Some of us don't have the twisted moral compass to leave our families behind."
It came out stronger than I had intended. He looked hurt as he leaned back quickly, almost as if repulsed. We sat in silence as he stared past me with a clenched jaw. I felt almost embarrassed at my lack of tact, but I wasn't going to let him know it. Just when I thought I was content with my chosen direction, here was another person trying to butt his way in. Everyone was trying to pull me in different directions and I had finally let my emotions boil over.
"You're right," he finally said, still not looking at me. "It was selfish of me."
"I didn't—"
"But I don't regret it," he said quietly, finally meeting my eyes once more. I floundered under his glistening grey stare. He leaned forward again, becoming very serious. "There comes a time when you need to do what's right, no matter what the cost."
"But who defines what's right?" I whispered. "Because I've had several people tell me what they think it is."
"That comes down to you, sweetheart," I rolled my eyes as his tone returned to normal. "Listen to what your mind and heart are telling you, then follow that path."
I just shook my head, tears welling in my eyes but I forced them away. I would not cry in front of Sirius Black tonight. This was all easy for him to say. From what I knew, he had never really been close to his family in the first place. It must have been easy for him to turn away from them and leave.
"Thanks," I said dismissively, "but it really isn't that simple. I have people that rely on me... People who are at risk if I don't comply with what a certain individual thinks is 'right.'"
Maybe that was saying too much, but I didn't care. If it would get him off my back, I was happy to expose a bit of the complexity that was my life. He just smiled at me in pity, which almost made me feel worse.
"We all have people that rely on us," he said as he stood up, taking our empty mugs over to the sink where they were whisked away magically to be cleaned. "It all boils down to if those people deserve that. You have to think, would they do the same for you?"
He sauntered over to the door, turning back to me just as he was about to leave.
"Goodnight, Elsbeth," he said softly.
I only nodded, lost in my thoughts. He had a point. Had I aligned myself with those who I could also rely on? Or had I signed up for a team that would use me as collateral damage the moment I became useless? I was already witnessing how frivolous and reckless they were as a whole. How introspective could they really be if they were so quick to take action? Action like coordinated attacks on other students simply because of a stupid courtyard spat...
"Sirius," I stopped him suddenly before he could leave. He looked over at me expectantly. "Detention on Friday night."
His mouth dropped open in disbelief. "You can't be—"
"It's way past curfew. You can help Filch clean the owlery," I said with a small smile. "Goodnight."
He gave a scoff in disbelief. Without another word between us, he stomped away and down the corridor.