Hi everyone! :) Feels like it's been a while, eh? I went on vacation (to the Wizarding World in Orlando!) so I was kind of exhausted and couldn't write much ahaha. But I'm back with another chapter!
As always, let me know what you think!
- A STEP CLOSER -
With a groan, I threw the paper down on my plate, not caring that the eggs that now lie beneath it would soak through the pages. From the second I saw it, I had lost my morning appetite but my morbid curiosity had led me to pick it up anyway. The article about the trial was written by a young reporter named Rita Skeeter and I knew she must have been the horribly dressed witch I had seen when I entered the courtroom. She spent most of her time talking about our 'whirlwind romance,' rather than the actual proceedings of the trial, clearly one for gossip over facts. By the time the article was over, not only was Lucius vindicated but he was actually celebrated as a promising young wizard bound for a bright and successful future. It made me sick.
I rubbed my eyes before leaning back and looking at the luxurious spread on the giant table in front of me. It was full of eggs, pancakes, fruit… Everything I could desire as it concerned breakfast, even rivaling the offerings of Hogwarts. The table was made of black stone, like obsidian, and centered in the main dining room. Across from me was a giant fireplace, lightly glowing with a small fire that warmed the rest of the room to the perfect temperature. All around us hung portraits of blonde wizards, their pointed noses lifted high in the air as they judged us while conversing amongst themselves. I expected nothing less of the paintings at Malfoy Manor.
We'd been allowed to spend the rest of the day at home yesterday, despite the trial ending rather early. It had been a dull affair after everything that had happened at the Ministry, at least to me. All of us had arrived back at the Ledoux Castle shortly after lunchtime and I was forced to spend the evening with a collective of our fathers' friends and acquaintances. The evening concluded with a lighthearted celebration, with a large dinner and socializing in our grandiose parlour. I was able to use the excuse of having school the next morning in order to sneak out early and quietly.
We had arrived at the Malfoy's early this morning, the plan being to have breakfast and then floo back to Hogwarts by midday. I was already dreading it immensely. The students of the school must have been doing the exact same thing I was, looking at Lucius and mine's faces plastering the front page of the Prophet. It was absolutely mortifying to even think about it. And I didn't seem to be the only one. As much as he tried to hide it, Byron had been giving me the side-eye all morning, face just as glum as mine. He probably knew what awaited us when we arrived back at school, though he'd have an easier time flying under the radar.
On the other hand, Serpentina couldn't look happier. She would take a look at the paper every couple of minutes despite having looked through it completely at least three times now. She would take a sip of tea, pick it up and analyze, and then send me a bright smile before turning lovingly to her son right next to her. I can't imagine anything could bring her down from this kind of elation.
Our fathers looked equally happy about the affairs of yesterday. It was a win in their books, one I resented so intensely that it boiled my blood every time I thought about it. Thankfully though. Abraxas had kept his promise and hadn't said a word about what Sirius had said to me right before we had arrived at the Ministry. However, even without us speaking about it, the mystery of how he knew still plagued me.
"Going to be okay?" Byron said from his position across the table. "Do you need to take another day? I'm sure mother and father would allow it."
"I'll be fine," I said quietly. "Better to just get it over with, you know?"
"Cheers," he said somberly, going back to his bacon.
Still, I didn't believe my own words. Who knew what it meant to just 'get it over with'? No doubt there would be stares and whispered conversations as I passed others in the corridor. No one would ask—maybe Celeste since she's nosey—because that would be the polite thing to do. Instead, they would revert to passive-aggressive comments to gauge a reaction that would then fuel conversations, churning the rumor mill going on behind my back.
But for some reason, what bothered me the most is what Sirius would think. No matter how hard I tried to push the thought of him reading the article out of mind, it crept in and infiltrated my brain, adding to the plethora of anxious thoughts I was already having. I don't know why I was concerned about whether he would be sad, angry, or maybe even jealous? The last emotion made my heart flutter a bit at the thought of him caring about seeing me with someone like that, despite how fraudulent he knew it to be.
Last night had been another sleepless one because of this. When it was quiet and I had nothing but my thoughts to accompany me while I laid in bed, my mind had wandered to that abrupt confession in the foyer of the Great Hall. Everything would be a lot simpler if he just… hadn't done it. Or maybe if he just hadn't said anything right now. I should be focused on coping after literally sending someone to Azkaban, not worrying about how to react to his words. Especially considering I didn't know how to. Because no matter how much I tried to push off any semblance of a romantic feeling towards Sirius Black, there was always a nagging at the corner of my consciousness that wondered if maybe I was trying to condemn emotions that I could no longer deny.
But I had to. There was no room for romantic feelings towards someone of his status. It would be a death sentence for the both of us and others dear to me.
With an exhausted sigh, I pushed myself away from the table and exited the room. Heading up to the third floor, I passed countless elves doing their morning chores. They each gave a little bow as I walked down the hallways of the manor. I finally reached what a was looking for and opened the glass doors that led to a large balcony scattered with what seemed like hundreds of plants. They changed seasonally so right now there was a mixture of pumpkins, vervain, belladonna, and all sorts of darker foliage. It was a stark contrast to the plain interior and the only place at Malfoy Manor that I found pleasant.
Fall was in full force, gearing up to concede to winter that was right around the corner. If they still had any leaves left to spare, the trees on the grounds were different shades of red and yellow. The absurd white peacocks that the Malfoy's loved to collect strutted around the grounds just as pompously as the humans who inhabited this place. It was a shame, as they were beautiful, but they had horrid attitudes. I remember being bitten the first time I had approached one. Now I just admired them from a distance.
Leaning on the railing, the foliage in front of me blurred as my mind wandered. I finally allowed myself to focus on Sirius and what he had said, thinking it was better to get this sorted out internally before I headed back to school. Knowing him, a confrontation was guaranteed so I needed to be ready. I needed to have a plan of action for how I would let him down easy. Because there was no other way that conversation could go. Despite the ache in my chest at the thought of it.
Looking out at the extravagance of the manor, the peacocks, the army of house elves going about doing maintenance work… I realized it was a life I didn't want. In fact, I began to hate the sight of it. It was a feeling so intense that my gut began to boil over in a rage as I thought about how this would be my life constantly in just a little under two years. My traitorous eyes began to tear up, welling with hot droplets that spilled over a little on my cheeks. For the first time in a while, I let them fall, basking in the small sense of relief they gave me as I physically vented my emotions.
The only thing that was calming me down was this concept of a different life that was pushing to the forefront of my mind. Suddenly, I was picturing a humble cottage in the middle of the woods somewhere, the smell of coffee infiltrating the kitchen on a cool morning much like this one. In this daydream, I sat at a large wooden table, grabbing a big cup of the dark liquid as across from me Sirius put down a copy of the Prophet to gaze at me lovingly. I couldn't hear myself talking but we began to chat as if it was a completely normal affair. In this scenario, any evils that lurked beyond the door were nonexistent. I didn't know how I knew this, it was just a feeling. One that made the mirage that much sweeter.
My tears stopped as the thought calmed me. A life with Sirius…
I hated to admit how it made me feel when I pictured it. It seemed like it would be so easy, so carefree. Sirius wasn't a serious guy. I imagined conversations with him, in a world where all this evil wizard nonsense didn't exist, would be about things like Quidditch and creatures, rather than the intricacies of politics and Ministry life. He'd be the type to accompany me on trips to distant lands so we could explore the wildlife that lived there. With him, I knew I wouldn't have to hide anything.
Which is why it hurt so bad knowing that I would never be able to have that.
The pearl felt cool as my hand reached up to touch my necklace. I wondered what Regulus would think about all these thoughts of mine. Would he even want to hear it? But in all honesty, the thought of discussing Sirius' confession with Andromeda didn't seem ideal. No doubt she would tell Ted and it would then get back to the boy in question, not even allowing me the time to talk to him myself. I knew that wouldn't exactly be fair. And there was no way I could talk to my brother about this. Something had changed between us after the trial yesterday, a meaningful step in the right direction, but we were still on rocky grounds. So that just left Regulus…
"A great place to sort out your thoughts," an icy voice rang out from behind me, disrupting my inner monologue more abruptly than two broomsticks colliding.
My mind was screaming to react, to turn to see who the voice belonged to, but I found my body frozen and unable to move. My breath hitched as my heart rate increased. And if my hands weren't perched on the railing, I'm sure they would have been shaking. It was almost like my body was trying to delay the inevitable of facing him. But I wasn't able to postpone for long as the man, if you could call him that, came to perch beside me.
"Always best to do that from time to time," he continued as he looked out onto the grounds as well. I was thankful that he hadn't placed his eyes on me as he continued. "In order to understand perspective, amongst other things."
The Dark Lord looked a lot more ordinary in real life than I thought he would. In fact, he almost looked like a normal man, with short dark hair sprinkled with strands of grey. He had a hooked nose and a sharp chin, menacing but not imposing in that regard. What made him terrifying was his pale skin and piercing red eyes. The texture of what was exposed was almost scale-like… He almost looked like a snake that was molting as his body transformed into something else. Must have been a side effect of being evil and trying to take over the world.
"Right, my dear?" He continued, expecting me to answer.
"I, um," I continued but hesitated, suddenly self conscious about how badly my voice was shaking. "Yes, I suppose… My lord."
"Indeed," he said quietly. Merlin, this was the worst situation to find myself in. I hadn't expected to ever be caught up in conversation with him, especially not one on one. "And what ideas are you parsing through this morning?"
"Just the trial," I said in some semblance of calm, despite my heart rate remaining elevated. There was no way to be level headed in a position like this. "It was an interesting day."
"Yes, quite entertaining," the smile that formed on his face disgusted me. "I heard you did very well, my child."
'My child.' The sound of it made bile rise in my stomach and I had to take a few seconds to push it down.
"I was just doing what I was told," I responded.
"Yes, you're very good at that… When you want to be."
I froze once more, my heart actually stopping. That simple sentence had the same weight as probably one thousand slaps and shouts from my father. It was an official reprimand without being explicit. I wasn't sure how much he knew about everything that was happening on a personal level but he had just made it obvious that he knew at least some things. And that was terrifying.
"Hmm," I responded noncommittally. I had to be careful with my words, I knew that. From what I'd gathered, he didn't seem to be the type to think things through too carefully. "It has been difficult… But I am learning."
"Yes," he nodded. "You are. But you still have much to master and time is of the essence. It would be prudent to take note of your brother and beloved's course of action to expedite."
"Yes, my lord," was all I could say.
We shifted into the worst kind of silence. It felt like I was slowly dying, like any hope I had for the world was slowly and painfully oozing out of my body to fuel his insanity. The daydreams of a different life quickly morphed into nightmares of fire and blood, so much so that I couldn't even remember if they had been happy thoughts in the first place.
"Do you know why I'm trying to do all this?" He asked in that blood curdling tone of his.
"To make a better world?" I answered, throwing out my naive understanding of the situation.
"Exactly," he smirked. "Wizards make up a tiny fraction of the global population as it is and it's only made worse by those whose desire it is to embarrass us. Those who find it appealing to mate with nonwizards and creating half-blood spawn," He scoffed. "And mudbloods? They're the disgusting punishment for these foolish actions. No… The only way we can survive is through keeping our blood pure. You're well on your way to helping out with that cause, aren't you dear?"
I had to refrain from clenching my hands too hard on the railing. Everything he said filled me with rage and sadness at the same time. His words were horrible and any mention of me 'helping the cause' made me consider chucking myself over this balcony right now. But there was nothing I could do about it. Not if I wanted to keep those I loved safe. I was stuck, my hands holding me steady.
"Yes, my lord," I gave a strained smile. "Lucius and I are going to be very happy."
"Oh, you don't have to lie to me," he replied coolly. "Because it doesn't matter if you actually love one another. All that matters is that you do what you're supposed to do."
"Right. Of course."
"Because that feeds into the rest of the plan," he continued, still not bothering to look at me. "I won't be able to rule if I don't have loyal, pureblooded wizards to rule over. There will be generations underneath me as I lead us into an eternity of greatness. Starting with the wizarding world and then, when all is well, with every other thing that dares to call itself human. With the exception of a few… We will need servants after all."
With each word, I was thrown deeper and deeper into a pit of despair. Darkness was washing over me, unmerciful and harsh, as I felt all hope escape me. This wasn't like when I thought about my marriage with Lucius. This was a deeper, more central kind of self loathing. I wondered if all his followers felt like this whenever they thought about it. I found myself hoping so as the alternative, actually believing in all this bullshit, was so much worse.
"So you'll be as well, then? Searching for someone to give you an heir to carry on after you're gone?"
"Gone?" He actually chuckled. It sounded like the toll of a death march. "I'll never be gone. That is not a part of the plan. No… When all is said and done, I will remain. Forever. I will be endless."
"Apologies?" I was confused. What did he mean? No one could be around forever… It just wasn't possible, right?
"Dying is not part of my agenda. I will be here so long as there are loyal followers to lead. This I can promise."
"But how?" I wondered if I should be prying but the words slipped out before I could consider them. Thankfully, he didn't seem too upset as another smirk grew on his face.
"There are many ways to extend one's life. But doing so smartly is the trick. Take a look at Nicholas Flamel. He was brilliant for wanting to live forever but foolish in his execution. He's now practically nothing but a sack of bones. Not practical for someone overseeing a massive regime, is it?"
"No," I finally whispered back when I saw that he was waiting for a response.
"So I've had to resort to other measures. Ones that still alter me in some ways but will no doubt keep me alive… By the end of it all, I will be immortal by my own hand."
Now it was all starting to make sense. With this in mind, his altered appearance could only mean one thing. He had already begun this process. Who knew how much he had achieved up until now? Without being exactly privy to what he was doing, there was no way of knowing. And, therefore, no way of stopping him. Not that I would be able to anyway… I was, after all, one individual hidden under a pile of devoted others. My pathway to him was blocked even if I had the option of doing something about all this.
"So complete control over both your fate as well as others?"
"A true master of death," he said as he finally turned to meet my eyes with his own.
His gaze was my breaking point. It coursed through me, ripping every molecule of hope and happiness as it did so. I felt the best parts of me shatter under the weight of it, erasing good memories and putting up a wall so no others could form. Staring into his eyes right now, without his wand even present, I understood why so many fell before him. He was the perfect balance of fear, ambition, and arrogance. At this moment, I had answered my own questions. He had loyal followers because they both believed in him and were terrified of him. It was the perfect storm to create and rule over an army.
"Tell me, dear Elsbeth," he continued, lips pursed in thought as he analyzed my shocked features. "Do you believe in this cause? Truly?"
This had to be a trick question, right? For there was only one answer when I stood right in front of the man who headed this charge.
"Of course," I said meekly.
"You're lying once more," he said flatly. Fear flashed through me as I searched for any indication that there would be repercussions at catching me.
"I'm sorry?" I tried to sound convincing. "But I'm not—"
"I always know when someone is," lifting himself off the balcony, he turned me towards him as he placed a hand on the side of my head. Almost lovingly. Like a father towards his daughter. Or perhaps a prophet towards a follower. "But have no fear. Minor resilience will be tolerated so long as the greater work is accomplished… For now. But be warned. In the new world, there will be no room for mercy."
"I understand," I said practically in a whisper.
Right now, I couldn't even think of anything else beyond how scared I was of the man, or thing, right in front of me. There were no thoughts of guilt over the trial, no thoughts of embarrassment concerning the article in the Daily Prophet. The only thing that remained in my shell of a body was fear. Unforgiving and all-encompassing fear. Even if or when this feeling passed, right now, he had won. And I was unable to see a future where he didn't have control.
I wanted to weep and scream all at the same time but ripped my eyes away from his to prevent doing so. As I tried to look at anything to distract myself from him, desperate to think of anything but his red eyes, he prevented me from doing so. For a moment he placed what I think he assumed was a comforting grip on my shoulders as he gazed haughtily into my eyes. His hands were like the coldest kind of ice, almost burning as they touched the skin. Finally, he dropped them and forced me to link my arm with his own. He turned and led us toward the open door of the manor.
"Good," he said softly and with a sickening smile. It hit me like a million pinpricks as a shiver ran down my spine. "Now come, my child. There's much to do."
"Should have known to look for you here first," River sighed as she entered the furthest greenhouse from the school. It was the same one I had brewed the Wolfsbane Potion in and where I was currently working on an altered recipe for another batch. "You know, skipping Charms, I'm all for. But missing Herbology? I take that pretty personally."
Despite my eternally shitty mood, that actually made me a chuckle a bit which garnered a smile from her.
"Finally!" She exclaimed. "A reaction. I've been waiting on that."
"Yeah," I grumbled, my voice sounding foreign even to me. "Don't get used to it."
I slouched further into my sack of soil. Other bags, plants, and books scattered around me like some sort of makeshift fort. It had been my home for the past six days and would continue to be so hopefully forever. There was no way I could return to class as usual, after all.
When we had returned to Hogwarts that day after I had come face to face with my worst nightmare, I had tried to proceed as normal. The stares and whispers were obvious, as I had expected them to be. And I was able to combat them for a while but by the time I had reached my last class of the day, the frustration had built significantly. It eventually overwhelmed me to the point that I had spent my breaks in the bathroom trying to control my breathing.
In Potions, I had finally reached my breaking point. From behind me, I had heard a Gryffindor whisper something along the lines of 'hag would even send another snake to Azkaban…' and I lost it. With a very loud shriek in exasperation, I had shoved the Scintillation Solution I was working on off the table and watched as the cauldron broke, sending the half-baked potion everywhere. With barely a glance at it, I grabbed my books and violently shoved them in my satchel. Despite keeping my eyes straightforward, I wasn't able to escape the piercing gaze of Sirius as he watched storm out of the classroom.
I had immediately come to the greenhouse and broke down crying, the tears lasting for probably over an hour. And even after they had subsided, I had trouble controlling my breathing for much longer. It wasn't until the sun had gone down and the moon was bright in the sky that I felt like I could finally take in air as normal once more. And there I had stayed, this location tucked back in this distant greenhouse becoming my secret hideaway. I hadn't gone to class since, only venturing back up to the castle very late at night to sleep for a few hours before I snuck out well before anyone could see me. I wouldn't even do that if I didn't have to take care of things like basic hygiene.
Byron would always visit me during lunch, while Regulus usually came to visit at night. River popped in every now and again as well, often bringing me snacks to munch on when I wasn't crying my eyes out. They would 'talk with me' but it was less of a fun conversation and more of them talking at me for a couple of hours while I sometimes grunted in response. Other than that and sobbing, I had been looking at coursebooks, reading through subjects that I knew we were probably covering in the classes I was missing but not really retaining anything. My notes were blank as pieces of parchment surrounded me, begging me to do something, anything, but wallow in my own despair. The only thing I could focus on over the past few days was my great aunt's journal. But even then, it was slow going as for every minute of reading, there were thirty of just gawking blankly at nothing in particular.
"Did you move at all today?" She asked worriedly, placing a pumpkin pastie for me on a nearby workstation. She frowned when I shook my head. "Oh, my dear Nettle… You can't just sit around. It's not good for you. If you're going to be miserable, might as well make sure you're stretching your legs while you're at it."
"That goes against my new belief system," I said with a despondent sigh, placing the journal down in my lap.
"Which is?" She said with a raised eyebrow as she plopped next to me, criss-crossing her legs as she sat upon her own sack of dirt.
"Self-loathing and isolation. It's a fun group, you should join us."
"Oh, Elsbeth," she said sadly. She never used my actual name outside of class unless she was being extra serious. "What happened at the Ministry?"
"I'm sure you've heard," I said gruffly, picking at the corners of the pages of the journal on my lap.
"Only rumors as far as I'm concerned," she placed a loving hand over mine. "I won't believe a word of anything that doesn't come from you."
With a sigh, I leaned back, hoping that the soil would somehow sprout with something that would swallow me whole in that moment. The students of Hogwarts had been trying to pin down the exact story of what happened that morning at the Ministry but those of us who were there had remained tightlipped. However, it was easy to make assumptions or theories, given that the trial had been covered extensively in the Prophet, even past Lucius and mine's sappy cover story. So the rumor mill was churning at full force, pushing out story after story about the horrendous events that went down and ultimately sent a fellow student to the worst prison in Europe.
"I mean, what you've heard is probably basically the truth," I grumbled, a stray tear running down my cheek. If I had anymore left in the reservoir, I probably would have been sobbing again. "I sent a kid to Azkaban… And I'm not even sure he deserved it."
She sat quiet, her face sad but not giving away anything as it concerned how she felt about what I had just said. I wondered if she would hate me for it, completely cut off this relationship that we had built over the years. If so, I wouldn't blame her for it. What I did could be categorized as horrendous, the worst act anyone could commit. For as long as I lived, I don't think I would stop hating myself for it.
"Hey," she said softly, gathering my attention. "You did what you had to do."
"But I didn't have to do it!" I said, frustrated. "It was cowardly. I could've just told the truth and none of it would have happened. But instead, I gave in to my own fear… And in doing so, I gave them what they wanted and that makes me no different than them."
As I was speaking, I realized I wasn't exactly sure how much River knew about what was going on. She must have heard rumors or talk of it all but was she involved in any way? It was always clear what side of the spectrum she fell on, so there was no panic now as I ranted to her about it. But it still made me curious. Was she an active participant in this war and, if so, to what extent? I wish I could ask her but I couldn't even think of where to begin in that regard.
"Elsbeth," she said sincerely, giving my hand a squeeze. "You did what you had to do to survive. And that's all you should do right now. Survive first, fight later."
"What?" My head snapped in her direction. It was the exact same words Shacklebolt had said to me in the basement of the Ministry. "What did you just say?"
She gave me a knowing look that held some sort of coded message I couldn't quite decipher. It only lasted a moment before she broke out into a small smile and indicated at the journal placed in front of me.
"I see you've opened it?" She said happily, as if the conversation we just had hadn't happened. "What's inside?"
"Oh, um," I said, my mind trying to catch up with how quickly we had changed topics. I grabbed the leather-bound book and reopened it. "Quite a bit actually. Loads of stuff you would like… It looks like she practically logged every plant out there."
"Really?" She said with glee, scooting closer. "May I take a peek?"
"Of course," I smiled. The corners of my mouth aching at the sensation since I hadn't done it in so long.
She took the journal excitedly as I passed it over to her. Flipping through the pages, she stopped on each one for an extended period of time to look over all of the descriptions. Every now and then she would interject with a surprised 'oh!' or a reassured 'hmm…' as she went along and processed the information. I imagine she must be familiar with most of the contents of the journal but it was still exciting to see that there were also some things within it that she didn't know about. Eventually, we got to the final pages. Her brows scrunched up in confusion as she looked over all the diagrams and descriptions.
"What's all this, then?" She asked me but kept her eyes on the journal.
"I'm not sure," I lied. "She became fascinated with the founders and their objects, I suppose. I've been trying to decipher all the runes actually."
"Hmm… Well you've gotten pretty far, I see," she responded, taking another pause as she flipped through a few more pages. She stopped on the diagram of Hufflepuff's cup, pointing on a rune in the bottom left hand corner that I had yet to translate. "Ah! This one means 'nest.' Look."
Placing the journal down, she took her left sleeve and rolled it up until the space above the crook of her elbow was visible. Her arm was scattered with runes of all sorts. Some variants I could identify but a majority of which I could not. My mouth fell agape as I marvelled at the sight. Now it made sense why she always seemed to be wearing long sleeves, even when it was hot outside. She smiled at my shock while pointing at one of them on her tricep.
"See?" She said with glee. "It's the same one. Means 'nest.' I remember getting this when I was studying Occamy colonies in India."
"Why do you have all these?" I asked, ignoring what she said as I reached out to rotate her arm without thinking. She was covered, barely any of her arm visible.
"To remember them, of course!" She said as if it was the most obvious thing on the planet. "It's fairly common in our line of work… You learn about something so you etch it on yourself as a permanent reminder. Almost like a cheat sheet. My legs and other arm look much the same."
"That's so wicked," I whispered, still analyzing the marks.
"Maybe one day you'll add a couple of your own," she started but her face fell as soon as she saw my sunken one. "Sorry, that was so careless."
"No," I shook my head somberly. "It was a well deserved smack to the face, honestly."
She looked at me with sorrow but I turned my attention to the open journal on her lap.
"River," I said carefully. "Are there any famous nests around here? Say, in the Forbidden Forest?"
"What are you on about?" She looked at me quizzically before her brow scrunched in concentration. "Though actually… I guess there is the story of Hattie the Hungarian Horntail. But that's more of a kids' story than anything. And way before your time."
"Hattie the Hungarian Horntail?" I repeated a little incredulously. I didn't think it would hold much weight but it was the only thing I could go on right now. "What's it about?"
"Well, I forget the rhyme completely. It's been decades since I've heard it," she started, resting further back into her soil sack. She was looking off into space, recalling some distant memory. "But it basically is the story of a mother dragon who nested in the Forbidden Forest with her four baby dragons. But one day, tragedy struck. Her three sons, ambitious as they were, tried to see if they could fly. But their wings were too small and they plummeted to their deaths. Hattie tried to dive to scoop them to safety but wasn't quick enough… So she took her remaining child, a daughter, and hid her away where she was safe. Somewhere where she would never need to fly."
By the time she was done, my face had contorted in slight horror. She giggled at the sight of it.
"Well that's a messed up thing to tell a child," I said.
"I think it's less of a fun bedtime story and more of a subliminal plea," she shrugged, handing me back the journal. "It's parents begging their kids not to abandon them and doing so by scaring the bloody hell out of them. And that's probably also why it's based here. Hogwarts is where children learn about independence but Hattie is lurking nearby to remind them not flee too far from the nest lest they want to suffer a terrible fate."
Her voice dropped into spooky sarcasm, with a wiggle of the fingers to emphasize it. I gave out a little giggle, coarse as my vocal chords warmed up to the sound. River always had the ability to make me cheery, even when I was experiencing the darkest of emotions. I often wondered what it would be like if she had been my mother… But then I always felt bad. It's not that my mother wasn't wonderful, in her own way, but she was unable to be so open and free like River due to the status in which she was born.
"Well," I said sarcastically. "Consider me spooked."
She handed me the journal back and I stared at the drawing of the cup. It couldn't be a coincidence that the clues on this page all pointed to two overlapping stories involving children and a forest. I had a feeling these tales would overlap and lead us right to where we could find the cup.
"Does the tale say where in the forest Hattie's nest was?" I asked, trying to remain nonchalant and not looking up from the journal.
"Classically, right in the center," she shrugged. If she caught onto my nervous energy, she didn't let it show. "Very cliche of them."
Right. So that's where we would need to go. Right to the center of a giant forest crawling with Merlin knows what. Without thinking, I let out a giant sigh. I was closer than I had ever been to finding out what the hell my great aunt was trying to do but the biggest hurdle was ahead. And who knows what would meet us if we were able to reach this secret location. It seemed like an impossible feat.
"You know," River started, plucking the leaves of a nearby Flutterby Bush and rolling it in her fingers. It was a way to check if the plant was in full bloom. Based on how it reacted to her touch, it still had a bit to go. "A lantern of bluebell flames is set to deter many nocturnal creatures."
"Yeah?" I said, slightly narrowing my eyes as I looked at her. What was she on about?
"Just as an observation," she said with a wink as she stood up. With a pat on my knee, she walked over to a nearby work station. "A little note to keep at the back of your mind."
With small clinks she packed bottles of some sort of herb into a crate, readying it to bring it back to the castle. She wiped her brow before heaving it into her arms.
"You know, I need you back to normal," she breathed, shifting it around to make her grasp more comfortable. "I took your help for granted… Could use your extra hands again!"
As we exchanged another giggle, she turned and hobbled toward the door. Every couple of steps, she would stop and adjust her grasp on the box. I was worried she might not be able to make it back with all the bottles intact. But my body refused to care at the moment. Just another thing to add to the ever-growing pile of guilt that rested at the pit of my soul. I frowned as she reached the door, twitching to get up and at least help her with the door but someone from the outside beat me as they pushed their way in.
"Oof!" She exclaimed as the door hit the box and bumped her back a couple steps.
"Oh, sorry Professor!" Regulus said genuinely. He supported the other side of the crate in her hands before she was able to drop it. "I could take these up later for you… if you'd like?"
"Oh, don't trouble yourself over it," River smiled brightly at him. "I'm already on my way with them. Have a good night you two!"
I scoffed at the wink she sent me. Every night I'd been down here, she had bumped into Regulus on her way out and, like I'm sure many others, thought there was some sort of secret romance going on between the two of us. Well, at least she liked him, usually gushing over his manners when he wasn't around. Her affection for him was unusual when compared to the likes of other Slytherins. She had apparently even started to show him the same restrained favoritism she showed me during his Herbology classes. 'A token of how appreciative she was for him being such a good friend in my time of need' she wrote it off as.
Regulus, hands in his pockets, strode over to me. Before he sat in the same spot River had just occupied, he grabbed the pumpkin pastie from the table. He ripped off a bite before throwing it onto my lap.
"Eat," he said simply, popping his piece into his mouth. "You can tell you're already losing weight. It's not very becoming of you, honestly."
With a sigh, I grabbed the treat and took hesitant bites. He wasn't wrong. Even after only a few days, I was noticing my body shift. My usually thick thighs were starting to thin out and my jeans were now a little too loose. Mother would probably be ecstatic about it, despite the unhealthy way I was going about it.
"That's my girl," he smiled. He shifted so he was looking over my shoulder at the journal. "Anything interesting today?"
"Actually," I said through a bite of the pastie. "I think River just led us to where the cup is."
"Oh really?" He said excitedly. "Do tell."
I recapped the story of Hattie and her children. He nodded silently as I rambled on, inputting his thoughts when I stopped to take a breath. We talked and agreed about how it was too much of a coincidence that both the story of the troll and Hattie involved a parent in a forest, four children, and the loss of one or some of them. There were too many dots being connected to not face the reality of our next step. Going into the middle of the Forbidden Forest seemed to be our only option. But one question continued to hover over us: what would we do if we actually found the cup?
"She must have been trying to find them for a reason," I groaned. "Maybe finding it would tell us why… Maybe she left some sort of clue at the site. I wish something in this thing indicated anything about why she was doing it."
He gave out a long sigh. There was a look of confliction in his eyes. He had agreed to help me out with this but was traversing into one of the most dangerous forests in Britain a good idea? The questions bounced around in my head as well.
"We need more people…" He said quietly. "There's no way we can go in there alone."
He pointed to the wall of the greenhouse that blocked us from the forest to make his point. I nodded but a frown formed on my face. Who on Earth could we bring into this? Andromeda would think I was crazy and would immediately gab to Teddy, which would then make its way back to… I let out a huge groan. There was one person that knew about all this. The only other person that seemed interested in the mystery of it all. But that would require talking to him and, most likely, involving the rest of them.
"We have one option," I sighed as I faced his perplexed gaze. "But both of us are going to hate it."
"No way," he caught on quickly, rubbing his eyes. He then slumped back into the sack of soil, crossing his arms and occupying his face with a sour expression. "Absolutely not. There's no one else?"
"No one that would believe us and willingly agree to follow us into the forest," I said, defeated.
I slumped back too, throwing the journal to the side in frustration. Wracking my brain, though, there didn't seem to be any other solution. I didn't want to talk to Sirius either but he and his band of idiots seemed like the only ones that would be not only willing but excited to go on a late-night adventure. Like it or not, we had to get over it. I started to think about how I could approach him about this while also avoiding the other subject matter that concerned him at the same time. Finding a lost magical artifact was not a time for romance.
Looking back to the pages of the journal, I focused on it as if it would give me the answer. Something did pop out at me, though not in the way I expected. There was a rune in red ink that I had never noticed before, right in the center of the bottom of the page. I quickly grabbed the journal and placed it back on my lap. How could I have missed that one? But when it was back in front of me, it was… gone. No sign of the rune anywhere. I scrunched my eyebrows. It was definitely there before.
Thinking it was just a trick of the eyes due to my emotional exhaustion, I put it back down. Regulus sent me another confused look but I brushed him off. But looking back at the journal, I came face to face with the rune once more. As if trying to beat it before it disappeared, I yanked it back onto my lap again, accidentally hitting Regulus' knee in the process. With a thud onto my legs, once more I was met with a blank spot where the rune used to be. I shook my head in disbelief.
"Ow," Regulus grumbled, rubbing his knee. "What's got you so worked up?"
"I think I'm going crazy…" I murmured.
"Hate to break it to you but you've been—ow!" He called out again as I hit him in the chest.
"Be serious," I said. Pointing to the spot on the page that I had been looking at, I turned back to him. "Do you see anything?"
"What?" He looked at me like I was insane as his eyes darted back and forth from me to the journal. "No, what are you… Hang on."
He grabbed the journal from me, first looking at it straight on before tilting it every way and that. Finally, he went back and forth between two angles of it, the perplexed look on his face turning into one that was wide-eyed and surprised. He shoved the journal in my face.
"This is wicked," he said. "You've found some secret script."
"What?" I grabbed it back but he kept his hands on it as I did so. Placing it perfectly in front of me, he rotated at the same angles he just tested out. Surely enough, at one angle there was nothing, at another the red rune appeared. "Merlin!"
"Why would she hide this one?" He mused aloud. Grabbing a nearby piece of parchment, he wrote the rune down as I held it at the proper angle. Finishing, he held it up in front of us. "And what do you think it means?"
"No clue…" I said as I grabbed it to take a closer look. "And it doesn't look like any of the variants in here. It's something totally new."
"Great. Another mystery."
"You're telling me…" I grumbled with a frown.
Here my great aunt was again, hitting us with another surprise. It had crossed my mind several times over the past couple days as I wallowed on my own down here. But yes, now there was no denying it. Even though we would have ventured into the Forbidden Forest by then, I had to go visit her over the holidays to get answers. There was a reason she gave me this, gave me the tools to find these ancient artifacts. Especially if we were able to find the cup, I needed to know why. I mean, I couldn't just walk around with that in my satchel, could I?
Another groan escaped my lips as I rubbed the tears away from my eyes in frustration.
"Hey. Another thing for another day, eh?" Regulus said with a clap on my shoulder. "One step at a time. We know what to do next. Then… Well, we'll deal with whatever's thrown our way after that. Okay?"
"Alright," I grumbled, still not happy about the situation but conceding nonetheless. "But you know you always say that…"
"I just don't want you overwhelming yourself. You already have a lot going on," he finished with a quick frown that he tried to brush away before I could see. "Feel like heading back to the castle a little early tonight? We can hide out in the kitchens and get you some proper food."
I sighed heavily. Might as well. "Sure, let's do it."
He stood and held out a hand as he usually did, hoisting me up as I grabbed it. Brushing off my pants, I gathered some of my books and materials, placing them in my satchel. I left most of it in my makeshift nest, however, already knowing that I would be back tomorrow.
We made our way towards the door, me listening as he talked about his Transfiguration lesson from today. They were learning about Vanishment and he asked me for a few pointers. I told him what I could, Transfiguration being the only class I kind of struggled in. He laughed when he heard that, when I learned last year, instead of vanishing a jar of slugs, I had actually multiplied them. The classroom was filled by the time the spell was complete, slime everywhere.
"That's epic," he laughed. "I wish I could have seen the look on Snape's face."
"Oh, it was hilarious!" I laughed along with him. "He, and probably everyone else to be honest, was washing slime out of their hair for days."
We had reached the door, the frigid air whipping my face like ice. It was supposed to snow tomorrow, announcing the arrival of my favorite season. I held my jacket closer and wrapped my scarf a bit tighter. Despite the chill, I smiled. Christmas holiday would soon be upon us, meaning I would be able to enjoy the company of my grandmaman. Maybe even get some answers out of her about that picture if I was lucky.
We traversed up to the castle in silence, our faces all but completely covered with our scarves. As we neared, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. Turning, I saw someone approaching the Whomping Willow. Someone with long, black hair. It was too short to be serious and as they moved in the light, I noticed how greasy their hair actually was. I gasped then and looked up. Full moon.
"Speaking of which…" Regulus said, also having noticed. "What's Snape up to, you reckon?"
The boy reached the tree then and I stopped to watch with bated breath. It appeared he hadn't noticed us and, very suddenly, he disappeared. Shit. The path to the Shrieking Shack.
"Oh, no," I muttered, not even thinking before I ran after him. Regulus followed quickly.
"Beth," he breathed as he caught up with me. "What's going on?"
I didn't know what to say, so I just kept running. We didn't have time for me to come up with an excuse for him not to follow. Soon we came upon the base of the tree. Thank Merlin because, for some reason, it barely even flinched as we neared. Following Severus' path, I quickly located the hole to the passageway located underneath the tree. It really was ingenious how hidden in plain sight it was.
"What in the bloody hell is this?" Regulus said incredulously, putting his hands over his head in order to catch his breath. He turned quizzical eyes to me. "Did you know this was here?"
"Regulus," I said, not in the mood to joke around and call him by his nickname. "Can you promise me something?"
He paused for a few seconds. I became more anxious as the moments ticked by. Finally, he continued with a nod. "Of course."
"Whatever happens on the other side of this… You can't tell anyone. Okay?" He just stared at me, mouth agape in shock. We didn't have time, we had to go. Now. My tone was sharp when he didn't answer after another couple of agonizing seconds. "Okay?"
"Sure." He said hesitantly. It would have to do.
In a fluid motion, I slid into the opening and landed on what appeared to be a rock flooring. Regulus was right after me, practically making me fall over before he caught me. Looking around, the stones formed some sort of tunnel. It was a straight path for a while before it led upwards, the stones eventually forming into a makeshift stairway. The air was biting and cold. So much so that it was hard to breath through it, even after wrapping my jacket and scarf tighter.
"We need to hurry," I said sternly. Without waiting for him to respond, I began to sprint again.
More than once, I tripped and at one point even rolled my ankle. But I couldn't stop. The moon was already well into the sky, meaning Remus had finished his transition. I had no clue what led Snape here tonight but, even if the Wolfsbane Potion had worked, he shouldn't be anywhere near the Shrieking Shack. It was still too dangerous. Not only because he would be in the presence of a werewolf but because he couldn't find out under any circumstances what the Marauders were up to on nights like this.
I was out of breath by the time we reached the opening to the Shrieking Shack. Not sure where I was going anyway, I took a moment to catch my breath. Regulus seemed grateful to take a pause as he caught up to me.
"Is—is this," he tried to speak through his heaving. "What I think it is?"
"Probably," I breathed back, finally able to stand upright. "Now I just need to figure out—"
But my words were cut short by yells from upstairs. Terrified ones. With a nervous look at one another, we bolted. The staircase didn't seem sturdy enough to carry our weight but yet it held. No doubt charmed with something.
We followed the shouts. Based on the noise, whoever it was must have been getting more and more desperate by the second. Their shouts turned to pleas for help from anyone who might be in the proximity to hear them. We finally entered the room from which they came, understanding why the wails had dramatically intensified.
Pinned to a corner was Snape as he tried to sink into it as much as he could. He didn't even notice us enter as his terrified eyes were trained on the advancing creature right in front of him. Remus was inching closer, teeth barred as he crept up on his trapped prey. Swarming him was a stag, dog, and a rat — all trying desperately to halt his advances but failing miserably. There seemed to be no stopping the beast now.
Despite how much I wanted to, I couldn't even think of why the potion was failing so significantly. No, right now I had to act.
"Bombarda!" I screamed out the first thing that came to my mind and watched as Remus soared through the nearest wall.
Snape, the stag, and the dog snapped their heads towards me. I winced, realizing that Peter must have accidentally flown through the wall with Remus. I'd have to apologize later. We all froze for a moment, waiting for the creature to erupt through the hole. The shack creaked as it rocked back and forth, unsettling my stomach. It was like we were out to sea, each time it swayed making me more and more nauseous. We were able to breath when there was no movement from the hold blasted into the wall beyond a rat scurrying on the floor.
The dog raced towards me, eyes alight with rage or panic. I couldn't tell which. It seemed like he didn't care at all about who was in the room as he turned back into the human form of Sirius. He strode the last few paces at an alarming pace before placing firm but reassuring hands on my shoulders. His eyes shone in the moonlight through the window and screamed with dismay.
"What are you doing here?" He and his brother said at the same time, Sirius' eyes pinned on mine while Regulus remained focused on his brother. Sirius shot him an annoyed look before turning back to me. "Me first. What are you doing here?" He repeated a little more sternly than before.
"I think I should be asking you what the hell you're doing?" I shoved him lightly in the chest. Even in the brief moment of the action, I could feel the toughness of his muscles. "How does he know what's going on here?" I indicated towards Snape. "And I know you're the one that's behind it."
There was no other answer. The Marauders had always had a certain place in their heart dedicated specifically to hating the crow-nosed boy. I shoved him once more for emphasis. He didn't release his hold on me but his eyes now looked at the floor in embarrassment.
"He is!" Snape said, still alarmed from his crouched position in the corner. "He told me about the tunnel! Told me to come tonight."
"You. Bastard." I punctuated these with more small hits to the chest. "Do you know how much of an idiot you are? We didn't even know if the potion would work! And clearly it didn't…"
My eyes welled at the thought of my failure. I had been so confident, so sure that the Wolfsbane Potion that I had concocted for tonight would work. I had spent long hours brewing it up to perfection. But clearly I hadn't worked hard enough. My heart lurched at the idea of Remus having no out now. Maybe I could get River to help…
"No! It did work!" James exclaimed after changing back into his human form. A timid Peter did the same. "It was going so well before he got here." He pointed a finger and a sneer in Snape's direction. "And then he just went ballistic."
I gave out a long sigh, so confused as to what had gone wrong. Wiping my eyes stealthily, I finally shrugged out of Sirius' grasp and headed over to the greasy-haired boy. Without hesitation, I reached out a hand to help him up. He took it with a thankful smile. Remaining behind me, almost as if using me for a shield, I walked back to Regulus. He was glaring at his brother, trying to convey just how pissed off he was. It was clearly working as Sirius was shooting one back. From this distance, they practically looked like twins.
Snape and I reached the doorway. He strode across the way, making it halfway down the steps before turning and looking at us with worried eyes. He was in a rush to get out and I didn't exactly blame him. I tugged on Regulus' arm as an indicator that it was time to go. Sirius' brow flinched at the action.
"You," I pointed at Sirius. "Free period. Tomorrow. You know where to meet. James, can you bring the rest and Regulus a little after that?" The bespectacled boy nodded nervously at me. He clearly didn't want to do it but knew he had no choice based on the look on my face. "And please… For once in your lives. Be discreet about it."
Without waiting for them to respond, I turned and headed down the steps. As we reached the opening to the tunnel, I heard the roar of Remus once more.
I focused, hard, on what I wanted to see. The elegant arched doorway, the long hallway, the heat. A plethora of pillows filled my mind as I paced once, twice, three times in front of the empty wall. Breathing nervous breaths, I watched the stones that soared above me to the ceiling closely. After nothing happened, I groaned, convinced that it didn't work.
But then the door appeared, melting out of the wall like water trickling through cracks. Eventually, I was faced with its full stature. I didn't waste time admiring it now as I rushed up and heaved on the heavy wood. With a struggle, it eventually opened. In the same way, it disappeared behind me as I rushed down the hallway. I was slightly limping from the twisted ankle I had received last night. But my determination to get to the bottom of everything powered me forward.
Finally, I reached the lounge. 'Headquarters' as James had called it. I scoffed at the memory of the last time I was here. At least it was significantly cooler than then. Someone must have learned how to fix the raging fire. Other than that, everything looked the same. The room was occupied with the same cozy couches, reading nooks, and floor to ceiling bookshelves.
Sirius, previously lounging on one of the high backed chairs near the fire and reading a book, shot up as he saw me and walked over. He stopped slightly too close and my heart began to race. But I didn't step back as the smell of his cologne washed over me.
"Elsbeth," he said at the same time I said, "Sirius."
We chuckled awkwardly.
"You go first," he conceded, voice somber. "Yell at me. Smack me. Whatever you need to do."
"If you insist," I smacked his chest. Hard. He tried to cover up the pain but winced nonetheless.
After I did it, I felt a strong desire to linger there. More than anything, I wanted to bring my hand back up to the spot and rest it there. To comfort him. He didn't really deserve that — this was my fault. I was just looking for an outlet for my own frustration and he was offering one up on a silver platter. But I closed my eyes to push away the emotions.
However, when they opened, I saw that my hand had acted on its own. It rested gently in the direct center of his chest, right where I had landed the blow. I tried to yank it away but his own hand acted faster to keep it there, gently wrapping over mine. I felt the erratic beat of his heart. He was nervous.
"It's my fault," I said in despair, the tears bubbling to the corners of my eyes. I was only just barely able to hold them from falling. "The potion didn't work. I should have known that it wouldn't have. I'm useless."
"Hey," he used his free hand to lift my chin. "Don't you dare say that. This isn't on you." He rubbed my cheek lightly, wiping away some of the tears that betrayed me and fell. I wasn't sure if his caring movements were just to make up for what had happened last night but I found I wasn't uncomfortable with his proximity. "You were right. I was an absolute, undeniable idiot to lead him there. And for what? A prank."
"Why did you do it?" I asked, actually leaning more into his hand. I saw his lips twitch into the smallest of smiles. "Why do you hate him so much?"
His smile quickly turned into a frown. "It's a long story… Best to ask Lily, really."
Lily? What in the name of Salazar could this have to do with her? And then I began to think. Snape was notorious and picked on for growing up in Spinner's End. And Lily… She had mentioned growing up in Cokeworth which was very close by. Had they known each other all this time? It was the only thing that made sense in my mind.
"Merlin," I said as the pieces began to click in place. "Are they friends?"
I pulled my hand away but he still held on, now intertwining them as we dropped them. It was a strange feeling, as his calloused fingers braided with my own, but I found myself enjoying it. It was like they fit together. Like they were the missing pieces to the puzzle of my life. My cheeks flushed red as I watched his do the same. It was new territory for the both of us. Nevertheless, we held on.
"It's complicated," he answered simply.
"What do you mean?"
"They used to be very, very close…" He mused, eyes moving off into the distance. "And then the, um, incident happened. And now they're not so much anymore. Though he keeps trying to reconcile everything. But I'm not sure Lily will stand for something like that. Especially not now with everything going on… But like I said, Lily knows more about it."
Ah yes, the 'incident.' It involved a skirmish on the grounds near Hagrid's, led by none other than the boy in front of me and his friends. It ended horrifically, with the word 'mudblood' thrown at Lily by Snape himself. Word spread rapidly around the school and, while it boosted his position amongst the purebloods, it had appeared to alter him permanently. That was when he really started to sulk around the castle, only speaking when necessary while his face contorted into a permanent sneer. I thought it was just because of his new status, not because he had lost a dear friend.
My face lit with anger at the realization of it. "That's because of you all, you know?" I tried to yank my hand free now but he held fast. His eyes pleaded for me to understand. "It all makes sense now! James has been obsessed with Lily from the get. And just because he was friends with Lily, you had to pick on him. Specifically James and you." I poked his chest. "You just had to push your pissing contest to the limits, didn't you? So much so that, even now after you ruined their friendship, you had to put him in potentially fatal danger."
I stopped ranting for a moment to see if he would dare speak. But he remained silent. Hurt filled his eyes and my heart faltered. But my brain soon punted those emotions out the window. I would not fall for it this time.
"So I change my mind," I seethed. This time I successfully pulled out of his grasp and watched his heartbreak via the emotions on his face. "It is your fault. Faulty potion or not."
He remained quiet, face still swimming with turmoil as he watched me start to pace. Despite how angry I was with him, how utterly furious, my mind kept on drifting back to the potion I had given to them. They had trusted me with it and I had let them down. Snape wouldn't have been in nearly as much danger if I had made it correctly.
Yes, a faulty potion indeed. I was awake all night, thinking about what I had done so catastrophically wrong. James said it had worked in the beginning of the night but then Remus had changed as soon as Snape arrived. It was peculiar but… There was one explanation that could make sense. Which would mean I would have to alter the formula a bit. I hated to think of last night as a 'test' but unfortunately it was helpful in that way. Thoughts of my surprise experiment were wiped away when I thought of how upset Remus would be once he heard about what had happened.
"What are you thinking about?" Sirius said just above a whisper as he grabbed my wrist to halt me.
He grabbed onto the other as he planted me once more in front of him. I faltered under his painfully bright eyes as I always did. My hand was dying to twitch up and tuck away one of the strands that had fallen loose from his bun. Apparently, so did he, as he released one of his hands to bring it up and push my hair behind my ear. He lingered, caressing my face once more. I breathed in his scent again.
Salazar, how could I be mad at him when he did things like this?
I wasn't sure if it was the exhaustion or just the general fuckery of my life right now but I found myself stuck to him despite my brain telling me to ground this broom. Not helping matters, his confession bounced around my head and pushed me to accept it. Right here, right now, I wanted to believe that I could return those feelings. My mind drifting once more to how incredibly easy a life with Sirius would be under different circumstances.
Despite how absolutely stupid he was, he was also brave. I couldn't imagine anyone else with his birthright being able to face his family like he had. He was also loyal to a fault, putting those he cared about over everything. And pigheaded, no doubt. He wasn't willing to risk his beliefs to bend to others' wills. I admired it, as much as I didn't want to admit it. I admired him. And he had made it very clear that he felt the same way towards me somehow.
I knew I couldn't deny that I had feelings for him anymore.
But I also knew how important it was that I didn't act on them.
"Is that really the only thing you can say right now?" I mumbled, still not pulling away. "I just want to know why, Sirius."
He sighed, pulling away but still holding onto my hands. It looked like his mind was warring with itself, wondering just how much he should reveal. Finally, he let out a long sigh.
"Because they weren't just friends," he said sadly. "He was in love with her."
I unintentionally took a step back in shock but he held on tight. The squeeze of his hands held me steady. No wonder it had affected Snape so intensely. I frowned, eyes watering for a different reason now. It was so sad, just like Helena and the Bloody Baron. I hoped beyond hope that no one would end up dead in this situation.
"Then I just want to know why, Sirius. Why still pick on him when he's already suffering?" I paused, not wanting to say what my brain was trying to force me to say. But seeing no other way out, I landed the final blow in a murmur. "Surely you would understand what it's like to pine after someone who doesn't like you back…"
My head sunk as his grip loosened until, finally, he dropped my hands completely. It wasn't aggressive. If anything, I would describe it as defeated. He stepped back significantly, eyes refusing to meet mine as I finally looked up to him. It wasn't what my heart wanted to say at all. That had urged me to run into his arms and finally accept everything. To run away with him like Andromeda and Teddy were planning. We'd be hunted but we'd be happy. And that was enough for me.
But not enough that I would leave my family to be slaughtered.
"You're not even going to talk about it with me?" He finally said. His voice was broken, pleading. Maybe I underestimated just how much he did fancy me. "Elsbeth, please—"
"I was thinking about what went wrong with the potion," I interrupted him to change the subject. "I think it was the sight of Snape, someone he had learned to despise so much," I said with a pointed look in his direction. He scowled, mind clearly still on the previous conversation. "The Wolfsbane Potion as it is doesn't completely wipe away those animal instincts. So any increase in emotion can ignite those impulses. I think the sight of Snape set him off. But I think I can fix it."
During my spiel, I had begun to pace once more. From one end of the couch to the other. Yes… If I just adjusted the amount of lavender, maybe that would help. Or if I stirred it more often to make sure the ingredients really absorbed into one another. And another couple of days in the cauldron couldn't possibly hurt, right? As well as having the drinker take it for an extra day or two before the full moon. Maybe all these factors would make it more potent and erase this unforeseen side effect.
My musings were abruptly interrupted by the feeling of two strong hands on my waist. Sirius once again brought me to face him but this time he wrapped his arms firmly around me, hands resting on my lower back. Our faces must have been just inches apart.
"If you're uncomfortable," he breathed. I could feel the heat from his face radiate into mine. I'm sure he was feeling the same from me. "Just tell me and I'll let go. Promise."
My breathing hitched and I had to focus on something in the distance so I wouldn't suffocate. Once again, I hesitated, my body not willing to let go. The position just felt so… right. So instead, I brought my hands to gently rest on his collarbone as I looked back at him. His grey eyes, boring into mine, made my heart flutter so intensely that I wondered if I would collapse. But his strong arms held me up.
"I'm fine," I confirmed.
He let out a sigh of relief, lips forming into a small smile. "You know, caring so much about a dear friend's condition isn't really making me like you less, Ledoux."
"Sorry," I blushed. "I'll try to hate you guys more."
"But do you really want that?" He said, face moving the tiniest bit closer. His tone was still light but there was a flicker of terror in his eyes. "Please. Can we just talk about it?"
I swallowed hard. This time, flashes of a life with him mixed with the horrifying creature that was the Dark Lord. It sent shivers down my spine so intense that I couldn't even register his strong hands rubbing my back to try to reassure me.
"I can't," I said sadly. Tears began to fall as I ducked my head into his chest to hide them. He brought a hand up to the back of my head, sending a new type of tingle down my back. "My life isn't my choice. I can't move forward with feelings like this."
Releasing my head, he pulled me back to gaze at him. "We all have a choice."
"Not everyone…" I paused for the briefest of moments before continuing in a whisper. "He'll kill them all."
I didn't need to elaborate. From the look in his eyes, he knew what I was trying to convey. That if I chose this life with him, the Ledoux family tree would be completely obliterated.
"Plus," I hesitated, really unsure if I should continue. This would be the true reveal of his emotions. How would he face me after discussing this? "I'm a monster. I don't deserve happiness."
"What?" He said, grabbing my entire face in both of his hands. "What are you on about now?"
"I sent a boy to Azkaban, Sirius," I said in despair, eyes washing over my face. By the time he was done wiping them, more had already flooded over. "Just a kid our age. And I'm not even sure he deserved it."
"Elsbeth, you can't—"
"I'm a coward and a liar," I continued on, face hot with anger. "I deserve a life with the likes of Lucius."
He wrapped his arms around my waist once more and I soaked his shirt with tears as I leaned in. We just stood there, him letting me cry my eyes out until there were none left. It didn't take too long considering I had already spent most of them over the past week. Nevertheless, he let me. Even after I was done, he continued to rub my back in soothing, circular motions. Not saying anything, just letting me emotionally veny.
"I don't deserve this. Your comfort," I finally said, pulling back until we were back in position with his hands around my waist. "I—" Hesitation once more. My heart was leading me now. "I don't deserve you."
He almost hid his surprise at the sentiment while I came to terms with what I just practically admitted.
"Which is fine, I guess," I said with a sigh. My eyes were puffy and I already knew I would have a headache later. "Because, like I said, it just can't work out."
"Let's just back up, okay?" he rubbed a thumb on my cheek once more. "Just tell me — no bullshit — if you fancy me, too."
He was so blunt about it that I felt like I owed it to look into his face. And, for once, I locked eyes with him without being nervous under the intensity of them. There wasn't time for that at the moment. It was a serious question that he overwhelmingly needed a reply to. And, despite my brain metaphorically kicking me in the ass, my heart overwhelmingly gave me the answer.
"Yes," I said confidently. Absolutely yes I fancied this idiotic moron who didn't care about what anyone else thought while at the same time living completely for others.
"Well," he placed a warm hand on the base of my neck but, unlike when Lucius had done the same thing so many months ago, I felt no fear. He leaned in closer. "Let's start from there, yeah?"
Agonizingly slow, he got closer. As his neck ducked down, my arms subconsciously wrapped around it and pulled him even nearer. He smirked, but not in the way that suggested he had scored a quick shag. It was more in a way of being satisfied by the turn of events. I mirrored the look.
He wanted this and I realized I wanted it too.
Finally, our faces were mere hairs apart. His cologne overwhelmed me but I loved it. I knew it was going to be a smell that I associated with him from this moment forward. Leather and musk… An ideal combo. But I couldn't think about that as he quickly cleared the remaining space between us, our lips brushing against one another as we went in for the kiss.
And then the loud creaking of the door at the end of the hallway echoed throughout the room.
We both jumped back, looks of shock written all over our faces. My mind tried to catch up, lurching myself onto a couch to act casual. Sirius did the same on the opposite one, picking up the book he had discarded on the coffee table and pretending to read it. But as Regulus came into view first, I realized we'd been a second too late. His eyebrows raised in shock, then confusion, and finally an evil smirk in my direction. Well, shit.
Thankfully, the rest of the goons seemed to have missed it. I didn't know what I would do if they had brought it up. Sirius seemed to sigh in relief at the realization of it, though he had also caught onto his brother catching us in the act. He glared as Regulus plopped himself down next to me and put a lazy arm over my shoulder. The younger boy was just taunting his brother and, based on the grumpy visage of Sirius, it was working. I rolled my eyes as a blush crept up my neck and onto my face.
But all feelings were thrown aside as I saw Remus limp in, grasping onto Peter for dear life. I shot off the couch as I watched the latter boy struggle under the weight.
"Remus!" I exclaimed, going over to help Peter. The broken boy wrapped his other arm around my shoulder. He was dead weight from exhaustion and, even with the support on his other side, it was difficult to lead him over and place him on the couch next to Sirius. "What in the bloody hell are you doing here?" I asked, slightly angry, as I went to sit back down next to Regulus. It was us opposite all of them. Like some sort of standoff.
"Couldn't miss the action," he struggled to land the joke through his labored breaths, clenching his side in pain. He tried to straighten at my worried look but it just made him wince even more.
"You should be in the hospital," I groaned.
He waved me off. "Madame Pomfrey gave me these," he pulled out some vials of Pepperup Potion. "I'm fine."
"Sure… But you should at least take one then."
"Madame Pomfrey says I shouldn't take another one for a couple of hours," he sighed.
"How many did you take before you left?" I leaned forward, grabbing the vial to make sure I remembered the ingredients correctly.
"Just one," he sighed back into the couch.
"One?" I said incredulously. Ripping two vials from the table, I threw them to Sirius, trusting him more than Remus to catch them. "She's lost it. You can take at least two more."
"Are you sure?" Remus looked at me nervously.
"I'm absolutely positive. Take a look at the ingredients if you don't believe me. It's totally safe."
With another wary look in my direction, he finally gave in. He downed the two vials I had thrown to Sirius and instantly relaxed a bit more. It wouldn't heal him completely, of course, but it should relieve his pain for a while. I smiled softly at the sight of it but dropped it quickly when I saw Sirius watching me. Another blush across my face.
"So, um," I falter, looking between the lot of them. "What are we going to do about Snape?"
"We were kind of hoping you'd help us with that, darlin'," James said arrogantly. Great, still an ass.
"Me?" I said incredulously. "This is your problem."
"Ah, but there's the rub," he smiled wickedly. "What would happen if old Snivellus went around telling those buddies of yours that you're hanging around with the 'wrong crowd'?"
"Watch it, Prongs," Sirius said at the same time Regulus said, "Careful there, Potter."
The brothers glared at one another, almost angry that they had spoken at the same time. This toxic masculinity was going to kill them before I even was able to get them to reconcile.
"Well," I seethed. "What in the name of Merlin do you expect me to do? It's not like we're the best of buddies."
"I'm sure you'll think of something," he winked, degrading me as he did so. "You're one of the smartest witches around here, after all… Except for dear Lily, of course."
A candle lit in my brain.
"That's it!" I exclaimed, alarming the boys at my sudden outburst. "Lily can talk to him. I bet he'll listen to her. Wow, James. Color me surprised that you actually had some semblance of an intelligent moment."
"Absolutely not," he cut my good mood with a frown. "Lily is not talking to that creature. And besides. She doesn't even know about Moony's condition—"
"She can do it," to my surprise, it was Remus that spoke. Definitely better from the extra potions but still looking mighty awful. "If she wants to, of course."
I smiled at James' scowl. "Fine," he grit out through barred teeth. With aggressive movements, he jabbed a finger at me. "But you're the one to ask her. I don't fancy my head getting bit off at the mention of his name to her."
"That's fine with me," I said smugly, narrowing my eyes at him as I sank back into the couch. How hard could it be?
"Good. Now let's get on with this," James leaned back haughtily into his chair. "What's going on? You can't have called us here for just that. Please tell me I didn't bring another snake in here for nothing."
They all stared at Regulus and me and, despite Sirius' comforting look, I found myself shrinking under their gazes. Peter was wary, Remus was exhausted, and James was… judgemental. It made me both nervous and pissed off. Maybe this was actually a very, very horrible idea. Looking at Regulus, I was hoping for some reassurance but he just raised his brows, indicating that I was the one that needed to speak. It was my mystery in the end, after all. I turned back to the boys facing us.
I swallowed hard, building up as much confidence as I could. I decided to just cut the shit and get right into it.
"Right," I said simply. "We need your help."