Chapter Four

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won't take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

Brooke took a deep breath and looked at Lucas. His face showed no emotion. She tried to smile at him but let out a long sigh instead. She stepped forward, her long emerald dress trailing behind her. The duo stood in the middle of the gym floor, lights and cameras flashing at them. For a second Brooke closed her eyes, remembering the night she saw Rachel in the backseat of Lucas's car.

"I wanted you to say there is no one else that you could ever be with and that you would rather be alone than without me…I wanted the Lucas Scott from the beach that night; telling the world that he's the one for me…"

She opened her eyes when she heard Mouth call Peyton's name. Brooke stared at the ground as she walked over to the chairs where she and Lucas sat down. She crossed her legs and let her left hand smooth out her dress. She rested her hand on her right leg. Lucas closed his eyes and put his hand on top of hers. She slowly turned her head. There eyes met and Brooke chewed on her lip. She felt his thumb run over the top of her hand. She smiled to herself and looked up at Peyton and Jake standing in the middle of the gym.

"…Peyton Sawyer is the daughter of Larry and the late Anna Sawyer, and Ellie Hart…"

Peyton looked over at Brooke knowingly. Lucas nodded. "She knew what she had to do." Lucas said nodding.

"Sometimes you just do." Brooke said, now looking at him.

Peyton looked over the stands and noticed a familiar looking woman. The woman nodded and smiled at her. Peyton narrowed her eyes at the woman. The woman stood up with a bouquet of flowers. Peyton looked at Jake and then back at the woman.

"… Your next 2005 Homecoming candidate Bevin Price escorted by senior basketball player Nathan Scott…"

On the way to the chairs, Peyton dropped the single white rose with blue tips she was holding and ran to the stands. The woman was still standing. It was Ellie. Peyton stood in front of her, silent. She took a deep breath and said, "I'm so sorry about ever-…"

Before Peyton could finish, Ellie threw her arms around Peyton and said, "You don't have to make excuses… you being here is good enough."

Peyton looked down at the flowers, "Alstromeria…" She looked at Ellie, "Those are my favorite, how did you know?"

Ellie smiled, "They're my favorite too." Peyton smiled and watched a tear fall from Ellie's eye, "Okay, go back down their… that boy looks like he misses you."

Peyton looked at Jake and smiled, "Yeah," She said, her voice fading away. "I'll be back."

"Don't worry," Ellie said sitting down, "I'm not going anywhere."

"Who was that?" Jake asked as Peyton sat down next to me.

"Someone who I have needed for a long time." Jake looked at her, confused. "That's my mom." Peyton said, staring at Ellie.

Haley's eyes followed Nathan as she carefully watched every step he and Bevin made. Nathan's noticed her watching them and he casually put his hand on the small of Bevin's back. Bevin smiled as she and Nathan walked to the chairs.

Haley cringed and ran out of the gymnasium. Lucas watched her and then looked at Brooke. "I'm sorry." He said as he stood up and chased after Haley.

"… Nominated by the cheerleaders, Rachel Gattina, escorted by senior basketball player Tim Smith…"

Tim put his hand on Rachel's back and she pushed him away. Lucas ran passed her and she grabbed his arm pulling him toward her. She put her hand on the back of his head and kissed him hard using her tongue to push open his lips.

Lucas pushed her away and ran out of the gym. He found Haley sitting at a desk in the English classroom. "Hales, whats up? Come on. Talk to me."

She closed her eyes tight and put her head in her hands, "I can't do this any more Lucas." She looked up at him, "I just love him too much…"

"That's not possible Hales…"

"…And now for you're 2005 Homecoming Queen and King…"

"You better get out there." Haley said, "Brooke is going to wonder what is going on…"

"I can't." He said, shaking his head, "I love you too much."

Mouth's voice rang out over their entire school, "… You're 2005 Homecoming King and Queen are… Brooke Davis and Lucas Scott…"

Haley looked at the door and then back and Lucas.

Brooke closed her eyes and bit her lip. This is what she had wanted her whole life, but not like this, not without him. Brooke stood up and walked to accept her crown. She lowered her head and felt the crown on top of her head. Brooke watched a figured walk down the bleachers and onto the court.

She glanced over at the doors and saw Lucas standing with Haley. Nathan stared at the doors where his estranged wife and half brother stood. Brooke watched the figure come closer to her. It was Chris Keller. Nathan stood up and ran toward the doors.

"Get away from her!" Nathan said pushing Lucas out of the way.

"No Nathan don't!" Nathan lifted his right arm and punched Lucas.

"It's not like you even care about her anymore…" He said as he cupped his hand over his eye.

"Oh yeah? Well you sure have a funny way of showing her that you care." Nathan said, looking back at Brooke, who stood in the middle of the gym, crown on head and flowers in hand.

Lucas watched Chris put his arm around Brooke and fury rose through his body. "Don't touch her!" He said, walking toward Chris.

"What are you gonna do Luke? Hit me?"

"You asked for it." Lucas said as he hit Chris.

"Do you know what this is going to do for my singing career?" Chris asked as he covered his nose.

"Hopefully nothing." Lucas said as he looked at Brooke.

Brooke closed her eyes and dropped her head. She was tired. She looked up at Lucas, "Please, just tell me what is going on. I don't understand where this is going or if it is going anywhere. I see the way you look at her," She said looking at Haley, "and I know the way you look at me and even though they are the slightest bit different I don't know which one means what…" She sighed and continued, "So what is this? What is going on?"

Lucas looked at Haley and then back at Brooke, "I wish I could tell you Brooke…"

She nodded slowly and bit her lip, "Well when you find out… let me know." She walked away.

Lucas called after her, "Brooke, wait."

Brooke shook her head and continued walking away.

Nathan followed her into the classroom, "He really loves you, you know?"

"Yeah," Brooke said as she unzipped the back of her dress, "She really loves you, you know?"

Brooke slipped off her dress and pulled her blue cheer skirt on over her nude lace boy shorts, "Its a lot harder than anyone ever told me."

Nathan's eyes scanned Brooke's half dressed body. "It wouldn't be worth it if you were taught about love."

She pulled her white bodysuit over her head and turned to him, "How is that so easy for you to say?"

He shrugged his shoulders and looked out the door, "Well I better get going, second half…" She nodded and slipped on her white cheerleading shoe, "Brooke?" He said as he opened the door, "Just give it time."

Brooke looked up at him and nodded, "Thanks."

Nathan walked out of the room and saw Haley sitting on the first bleacher. He sat down next to her. The two of them said nothing. This was the first time in a long time that neither really had anything to say to the other.