Note: Angstangst, the whole chapter. I finished this one rather fast.

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Chapter XI

I could walk fast since I was free of all burdens, except the depths of my sorrow. I was bothered by thoughts I did not want to think. Yuna and the rest of her guardians walked a little ahead of me, and I wished not to be a guardian at all. I had paid a high price for being one.

I actually didn't want to walk on at all. I felt like banging my head to a wall or something. I wondered if anyone would even notice.

Yuna stopped. I reached the others in an instant. Just when I started to wonder why was this, Yuna said she was worried about a bunch of things – her pilgrimage, us her guardians, facing Sin – and thus made us all a little more worried about those things aswell. Lulu gently stroked her cheek, like to say it would be all right. Pain came like a wave, flushing over me completely. I had known that touch. I had felt her hand on my skin, letting go of everything that had troubled me. I had known it as I had known Lulu. Her entire body had been a mystery to me, until I had explored it and become familiar with it. I knew every inch of her body. The more it hurt me that I could never touch her again.

If Lulu did not feel anything for me now I should have been glad. Instead I thought she felt for me – anger, sorrow, hate. Disappointment. She refused to even talk to me. Still, it was hard to blame her. After all I had done.

They all had told me to go to Yuna that night. They had been insisting on it. And I, I had done as I had been told, and she had taken from me a little more than just comfort. On that lake, we had made love. Sincerely, I'm not sure why I had agreed to that. I felt like it just happened. I had felt almost like it was my duty as a guardian to do what my summoner wanted me to. But I had paid a high price for fulfilling my summoner's desires. It had cost me the love of the one woman I adored.

We went on walking. We would have to cross the Calm Lands and climb over Mount Gagazet, the place Kimahri was born in. It was still occupied by the Ronso. And beyond that, beyond many days' walk in snow and chill, would be the ruins of Zanarkand. The ruins of a city destroyed a thousand years ago. The ruins of a city I was born in.

I wondered if anything would change when we'd arrive there. If it would be the home I was longing to. Or, if it would be all in ruins, and if that would make me realise I would never go back.

And make me not miss it anymore.

Eventually, we reached the outskirts of Calm Lands. We stopped to take in the information of our surroundings: a massive, peaceful field, full of green grass. A series of high hills kept it enclosed on three sides, and right ahead of us the field turned to a huge opening in the ground. This sure beats Grand Canyon.

"The Calm Lands," came a sultry voice from behind me. "Long ago, the high summoners fought Sin here. The road ends here. Beyond, there's no towns, no villages. Only endless plains."

I closed my eyes and fought the tears. The sound of her voice seemed too much to bear.

"Many summoners stray from their path and lose their way here," Auron completed what Lulu had been saying. That helped me to return to Earth a bit.

Yuna lifted her head to look at the sky, and then she fell down to lie on her back in the grass.

"I've always known where to go," she said dreamily.

I walked up beside her. I felt like a child, committing a futile revenge, as I did so. I could almost feel Lulu's eyes on my back as I said to Yuna,

"I... I won't let you die. I'll find a way, somehow."

I extended my hand, which Yuna gratefully took. I drew her up.

"Let's go," she said.

For some reason, I did not feel too triumphant about what I had just done.

We travelled through the Calm Lands, and of course we encountered packs of fiends on our way. I tried to keep my eyes away from Lulu's breasts, and face, when she was fighting beside me. I found the mission unbelievably hard.

"Look! A chocobo!" Rikku exclaimed.

I followed her pointing finger, and my eyes met a huge yellow bird.

"Aw, isn't that cute?" Rikku went on.

I smiled a little and told her I absolutely agreed with her. I had even been riding a chocobo once, at Mi'ihen Highroad. We reached some sort of a shop, with no sleeping facilities, and stopped there. Just when I had sold all of the useless weapons we had been carrying, and bought a good deal of different kinds of potions, I turned around to see a man approaching us.

"Father Zuke!" Lulu greeted him.

A mean hand of jealousy immediately gripped the inside of me. How do you happen to know this man? What is your relationship to him? I tried to be reasonable. It's probably nothing. The man is a summoner or something. It has to be so.

"Long time no see," Zuke replied.

I was again forming a fist with my hand, trying not to interfere.

"You are Yuna?" Zuke asked. "Hmm... You certainly don't look like Maester Kinoc's murderer."

Oh boy your resolve is admirable, I thought.

"What'd you say?" Wakka freaked out.

"Please, tell us what has happened!" Yuna pleaded.

Father Zuke looked at us for a while before replying.

"Maester Mika just issued a personal order, you know. It said that you and your guardians murdered Maester Kinoc and fled. We are to kill you on sight, or so it says."

"What of Bevelle?" Auron asked him.

"Things are calm on the surface, but the depths are turbulent. After the death of Maester Kinoc, Kelk Ronso left Yevon," Zuke told him.

"Convenient," Auron commented. "Getting around will be easier with Yevon in disarray."

Rikku looked at Zuke and Auron with a confused look on her face. To me, his was starting to sound like big boys talking politics or something.

"But be careful, my friends. You have been branded enemies of Yevon. You should avoid temples for the time being," Zuke said.

"Thank you, father Zuke, for your warning," Yuna said to him.

"Father, you came all the way here just to tell us this?" Lulu inquired.

"To tell the truth, I was a little curious to see...this summoner you are guarding," Zuke replied. "I hope her pilgrimage goes well. For your sake, too."

"Thank you, Father," Lulu said.

I did not quite understand what passed between them.

"I must be off," Zuke announced. "I shall pray for all of you."

He did the prayer gesture, and Lulu did that aswell. Then, father Zuke walked away from us. I could not resist asking,

"Who was that?"

To my surprise, Lulu answered my question.

"Until half a year ago, he was a summoner. Wakka and I were his guardians."

"It was kind of a short pilgrimage," Wakka chided in.

"He gave up halfway. Here, on this plain," Lulu went on. "Now, he is a monk at the Bevelle temple."

She seemed to be talking to herself, rather than to me. That was a wonderful opportunity for me to look at her face.

"This is my third pilgrimage as a guardian. Father Zuke was my second. And my first, well...it ended here, too. I've never been to the lands beyond. Mt. Gagazet towers to the north, and Zanarkand lies beyond that."

I wondered if the others had already known these things, or had she been willingly speaking to me.

"She's not stopping, is she?"

I turned around to face Rikku.

"Yuna...she's made her decision," I said, shaking my head.

"But, I can't just let her go," Rikku moaned.

"We won't have to," I assured her. "We'll save Yuna, even if she calls the Final Aeon."

"But how?" Rikku wanted to know.

"I'll think of a way," I said, sounding more self-confident than I actually was.

"But what if you can't?" Rikku asked.

"I'm tired of talking to you. It's always 'but' this, 'but' that."

"But..." she started.

"Let's think together!" I proposed.

"Okay," Rikku said.

"And, if we can't think of something...we find another way!"

"Okay!" she said, sounding cheerful.

Next I went to Auron. He was good at returning people to the blue, if they had mistaken something and thought they had a reason to be happy.

"Messy," he said at the sight of me.

I immediately thought about my hair.

"What is?" I asked him.

"Yevon," he replied. "Mika and Seymour are not of one mind. Remember what Seymour said last we met. I do not think Mika will concur. If Yevon founders, so will Spira."

I was left to wonder what his creepy words really meant. I went to Yuna.

"So, we are officially traitors, then," she said.

Obviously she had been considering Father Zuke's words.

"Hey, let them say what they want," I said.

"It's okay, I'm not worried," Yuna assured me. "Well, maybe just a little. It's so hard not to be."

"Hey, it's okay to worry. And if it gets too rough, just yell!"

"Yell? Hmm..." Yuna sounded suspicious. "Okay, I might just do that."

"Yeah!" I supported her.

"I wonder if my father got lost here, too?" she said.

I grinned.

"Maybe, with my old man helping him!" I said.

"Maybe I'll ask Sir Auron," Yuna offered.

"Auron?" I got surprised. "That grouch never tells me anything."

Yuna giggled, and then imitated Auron's voice, saying,

"That is none of your business!"

"Not that he keeps out of other people's business, you know what I mean?" I pointed out.

Yuna nodded to that. I moved on to speak to Kimahri.

"Gagazet is Ronso land. Kimahri home," he said.

"Hey! We might meet your family," I said, ever so cheerful.

"Kimahri has no family," he pointed out.

"Oh, sorry," I said.

"But Kimahri not alone," he told me, looking around among our group.

That was, by far, the longest conversation I had ever had with him. The next I spoke to was Wakka.

"When I was guarding Zuke," he began, "I already told you this, ya? 'Bout when I was too into the game to be a good guardian? So when Father Zuke said he wanted out... Tell you the truth, I was kinda glad."

I shrugged, lost for any words expressing compassion. Old things are old and buried, no need to dig them up. I considered telling him that, then decided against it.

We set up a camp for the night. Next morning we would continue the pilgrimage, wherever it might take us.