Yes! It's finally here! I decided to post what I have anyway, and if the reaction is less than satisfactory, then I might rewrite it after my other projects. So, please, enjoy the conclusion of Naruto: Sex Ed!
I don't own anything Naruto related, or Naruto, or Sasuke, or Sakura, or Lee, or Shino... or Shino's dad... which is a shame, because Shino's dad is so awesome!
The Book!
"No!" Naruto shrieked, rising dramatically from his chair. "I don't want to listen to you read your perv novel!"
Kakashi shrugged. "Hey, it'll be faster and to the point, although it may scar you for life," and as he whipped out his book with an eerie, if slightly anticipating expression, the remainder of those in the classroom grew very tense.
"Uh, Kakashi?" Gai questioned. "Maybe it would be best if…"
"Nonsense, Gai. I insist," and there was something in Kakashi's voice that implied something other than eagerness… amusement?
Neji, using his Badasskyugan (sorry couldn't help myself there), squinted in Kakashi's direction. Do I sense…. contempt? Wait - Neji's eyes widened - it's PAYBACK!
"Right, so…" Kakashi thumbed through his book for several pages. "Aha! Chapter Thirteen - Maya's Discovery," he announced dramatically.
Everyone in the room groaned. This was going to be a long talk.
"And then, in a passionate, orgasmic frenzy -"
"Kakashi!" Kurenai shrieked, completely mortified. Kakashi rolled his eyes.
"And then, in a passionate, uh - aroused frenzy," he repeated, glancing at Kurenai for her approval. She threw her arms up in the air, at a loss for his utter stupidity. Reading an adult's novel in front of twelve year olds to explain the birds and the bees…. Honestly!
"Once again -" Kakashi practically shouted, very annoyed since he could not correctly recite his treasured novel, "in a passionate, aroused frenzy, Maya tore Junko's shirt right off his body. Her mouth fell agape when she instantly realized - Junko wasn't a man, after all!" he paused for a moment, as if expecting the tens to "ooh!" or "ah!" in admiration of Jiraiya's superior writing skills. Receiving nothing but horrified, pleading faces, he resumed without a care in the world.
"Maya, astounded, crossed her arms and glared at 'Junko'. A rather uncomfortable minute later, her features softened and she asked, 'Do you have any problem with this?'
'No, not at all,' she replied nonchalantly, shrugging carelessly.
'Okay, good,' and that was Maya's only warning before she grabbed 'Junko' roughly by the shoulders and -"
"MENTAL PICTURE!" an abrupt, disgusted voice echoed in the room.
Kakashi jerked his head up, shocked by everyone's appalled expressions. Kiba, who screamed at him earlier, consoled poor Hinata, whose eyes bugged, and she shook violently. In front of them, Naruto and Lee's heads slumped into their folded arms on the desk in aggravation, hoping - to no avail, of course - to block out Kakashi's merry voice.
"Naruto-kun," Lee mumbled. "Your sensei is, uh…" he lifted his head wearily. "Well, he has very odd reading preferences…"
"Just admit it, Lee." Naruto's teeth clenched, and his voice amplified tenfold. "He's a FRIGGIN PER-mmph!" and the rest of his statement was drowned out, for, thanks to Lee's awesome reflexes, an outstretched hand covered Naruto's rather large mouth.
"Have an inkling of respect, Naruto!"
"Naruto swore under his breath and mumbled obscenities as he kicked the inside of his desk in rage.
"You're too noble."
Next, Kakashi watched Tenten tentatively remove her hands from her ears and open an eye. Realizing her thirty minutes in hell had ended, her other eye shot open, then she eased into a state of tranquility. Thank God that's finally over! But Neji's been acting really weird lately… I think I want to change seats. He's been almost as weird as Shino!
"Hey, Neji, what's wrong?"
Neji chose not to respond as he allowed his mind to wander. He wore a curious, even content expression, and he scratched his chin absent-mindedly. Man, that was SO hot! I wonder where Kakashi buys that book… His eyes widened as his previous thought dawned on him. Wait - no, that is not respectable behavior, especially from a Hyuga!
Who cares? His inner beast roared, sending Neji into complete confusion.
What the hell? Since when did I develop a split-personality? Neji slammed his head on the desk in agony.
"Uh…" Tenten's voice abandoned her, and she resolved for patting him on the back. "It's okay, Neji. That horrid book disturbed everyone."
Finally, Kakashi averted his attention to Sasuke's side of the room. Sakura and Ino glared daggers at him, as their mouths hung open in disgust. Shikamaru's eyes narrowed. Sometimes, there is a such thing as too much information. For a second, Kakashi couldn't find Chouji until he assumed that the boy with the potato chips bag pulled over his head must be him. But Sasuke's reaction intrigued him the most - the only emotions Kakashi could detect were confusion and curiosity.
Oh, so…. OH! I always wondered how that worked. But… then… Gah! Nevermind!
For some reason, Sasuke stared at his reflection in the mirror. I never noticed how sexy I look in black before. (1) Wait! Don't think like that, Sasuke! Be cool… calm… he stole another look at his reflection and sighed dreamily, then shook his head in distress. Damn, I'm too hot for my own good!
"No, no, no!" Sasuke shouted, nearly pulling his hair out. Whoops… heh heh…
Shikamaru chuckled, staring at Sakura and Ino behind him. "So, do you guys really want a schizo for your future husband?"
"Sasuke's not mental!" Sakura retorted, as if it were perfectly normal to blurt out random phrases outloud.
"But that's okay!" Ino stated, hugging Sasuke. "I'll take care of you, Sasuke!"
"NO! He's mine!" and Sakura tugged Sasuke's arm close to her.
Meanwhile, Kurenai shook her head in dismay. What a TOTAL failure this was. Kakashi is SO dead…
"Kakashi!" she hissed.
"Hn?" he replied.
"I-cannot-believe-you!"
Silence.
"Want me to read another chapter?"
"NO!" everyone shouted in unison.
"What's the matter?" he asked. Oh Kakashi, you silly goose…
"I think we've learned enough for today," Tenten declared, rising and heading for the door, grabbing Neji and Lee's arms and pulling them out the door.
"GOODBYE MY YOUTHFUL FRIENDS!" Lee waved happily. There was a collective shudder throughout the room.
Wait… no… it can't end like this. Neji thought as he was dragged out of the door. I needed to ask Kakashi a question…
"Perhaps we learned too much," Shino added, also nearing the exit. If anyone hears about my little bug predicament, I will be tortured for eternity. Shino felt rather uneasy again, as that familiar sensation recurred throughout his body. He grew fearful of what his bugs would do next, once was enough! Not again… must get out of here! "Coming, Hinata, Kiba?"
"Definitely. C'mon, Hinata."
"R-right," she tensed again. "Um, bye, N-Naruto-kun," and she gave him a quick wave.
"Yeah, see ya later! Let's hope we can meet somewhere more favorable than here!" Naruto waved, flashing a wicked grin.
And that was all our timid, opaque-eyed friend could tolerate before collapsing on Kiba's shoulder. Kiba's whole demeanor suddenly changed to pure anger. "YOU BASTARD!" he bellowed. "You were… on purpose… I swear…"
"What did I do?" Naruto demanded.
"You know," Kiba glared. "Now don't push it! Help Shino and me carry Hinata out of here - wait, Shino?" No response. "Heh, guess he was as ready to get out of here as I am."
"Alright, lets go. Later, Sakura!" Naruto waved, still unable to divert her attention from Sasuke or her rival.
Several minutes later….
"Um," Iruka started, who had been practically hiding in the corner throughout the chapter. "You three can go now. Even the Jonins, Shikamaru, and Chouji had left a few minutes ago."
"Oh, yes, Iruka-sensei! Sasuke and I have to… um, go!" Sakura hooked her arm with Sasuke's and glared at Ino, while making a hasty exit toward the door.
"Oh, no you don't, Billboard Brow!" Ino yelled, chasing after them out the door. "Sasuke, I'll save you!"
Iruka's eye twitched. "Um, bye then…"
The next day…..
Kakashi opened his lazy, visible eye as he checked the clock. 9:00 a.m.? Much too early. Right before he drifted off into his perverted dreamland, he noticed two pieces of paper lying on his nightstand.
"Hmm?" He picked up the first note, decorated with dozens of Uchiha fans.
Dear Kakashi-sensei,
Are you SURE that's how women become pregnant? Because I would never have guessed that, and no one ever told me. Please, tell me, are you ABSOLUTLELY POSITIVE?
From,
A Certain Uchiha
Kakashi stared. "Well, that's an interesting way to start the morning." He yawned and scanned over the other note, decorated with dozens of caged birds.
Dear Mr. Hatake,
As a random bystander whom you have no affiliation with whatsoever, I can't help but notice the novel you constantly carry with you throughout the day. It appears to be quite an addictive piece of literature, and so I was curious as to where you purchased such a top-quality book.
From,
A Certain Hyuga
Kakashi was left speechless. Please, for the love of God, let this NOT be from Hinata…
Yep, that's (possibly) it! Reviews are treated with tender, loving care, so... review! If there's anything that's unclear, or anything I could do to improve, please, let me know! I want to improve my writing however I can!
(1) Sasuke is wearing his black outfit he wore during the Chuunin exams versus Gaara.
In case you didn't understand the whole 'Shino thing,' just reread the part about his little bug problem and use your imagination!