Chapter XII
I was sitting on the ground right outside our campsite, with my journal in my hands. It was another night that we were in the Calm Lands, because we had a lot of business to attend to. For example, we had been trying to capture a huge plant called Malboro and take it to an arena at one corner of the Calm Lands. Tonight I had written another song, with a title 'Something So Beautiful'. Pain was burning my heart like it would never stop. I knew my song sounded bitter, but I could not change that thing; I was feeling bitterer than ever. I had long ago stopped crying, for now I was building anger inside of me. I half feared what would become of me when all the hatred was built up. I sighed and leaned back against a high spike of rock poking up from the earth. I heard footsteps from behind me.
"Re," came a teenager's voice from the source of the footsteps. "E... E's cunno, Ti'."
I did not look at Rikku. She came to sit beside me, and gazed up to the stars. Eventually she spoke again, since I had not said a word.
"Muug, E's hud duu rybbo ypuid dryd oui'na eh muja fedr Lulu, pid E's cdemm cunno ypuid fryd rybbahat."
I still kept silent. Rikku glanced at me, and then went on.
"E naymmo drehg oui cruimt dymg du ran, oui ghuf."
I glanced at her with a tired look on my face.
"Drana'c hu ica. Cra fuh'd ajah muug yd sa, mad ymuha cbayg."
Rikku sounded a little offended when she replied,
"Oui luimt cdemm dno, oui ghuf."
"Ur, fryd dra ramm tu oui ghuf?" I said with a sigh.
"Ti', cra mujac oui," she said softly. "Dryd ryc hud lryhkat, ajah druikr cra ec syt fedr oui."
I shook my head, ignoring the fact she had called me by a nickname again.
"Rikku, oui tu hud ihtancdyht sa. Lyh oui esykeha dra fyo E padnyoat ran? Frydajan cra vaamc vun sa huf, yhkan, muydr, tecybbuehdsahd, E tacanja ed ymm."
She was silent for a while, then glanced at me with a weird look on her face.
"Cu drah oui yna dra bnupmas, Tidus, hud cra."
It took me a while to take in what she just had said. Immediately afterwards, I was ready to hit her, that much her comment hurt me. Maybe because she was so right (that's the way it always goes), but right now I was too weary to accept what she had said.
But the truth is that the problem was I. I hated myself for what I had done far more than Lulu ever did. And forgiving yourself is always harder than forgiving someone else, because you don't feel like you have a right to forgive yourself. Especially when you have hurt someone else, too.
I still wonder why I said nothing to Rikku then. I was so outraged, I would never have believed myself able to just sit back and say nothing. I surprised myself by doing so.
"Famm, E kiacc E cruimt ku du cmaab," Rikku said and stood up. "E cdemm cdnuhkmo cikkacd oui ku dymg du ran. Syopa..."
She halted, her back to me already, and did not turn around to say her last words that night. Instead, she bowed her head a little and said so softly that it was almost a whisper,
"...syopa ajah duhekrd."
With that she walked away, so I was left to struggle with myself and with all she had said.
After an eternity of staring at the night sky I took a deep breath and got up. I shook my head, still wondering what the hell was I up to. I turned around, gripping my journal in my hand, and took the first step towards our campsite. I was suddenly feeling light-headed as I walked towards the only tent in our camp that I should avoid like the bloody plague. Every step brought me nearer and nearer, and my anguish grew as I became more and more aware of the fact I had absolutely no idea what to say to her.
"Knock knock."
I didn't have the guts to just walk inside.
"I, eh... I hope you're not sleeping yet?" I said, sounding just like what I was: a young Romeo full of anxiety.
It took her a long time to answer.
"Come in," she said then, not sounding as ice cold as she had earlier.
I crept inside the tent and found myself awfully close to Lulu due to the small size of the tent. But there was nothing I could do about it anymore. And if she was bothered, she showed none of it.
"I... I felt like I should...I mean...uh, speak to you," I said. Man that was hard.
She didn't even look at me. I felt like on the verge of tears again. God damn it, I'm not going to cry in front of her. You remember, the problem about weakness and showing it? I didn't even realize how stupid I was to be so proud.
"Look, Lulu, I know I have been a complete jerk. Did you think I'm so stupid? That I don't even realise it myself? Well, you were wrong. I do realise it, and I wonder if I'll some day be able to forgive myself for what I have done to you. I already told you I'm sorry, and really, that's all I can do. There's no undo button in real life. But I want you to know that I would if I could. Lulu, if I could make it undone, if I had only one wish that would be fulfilled, I would make it undone."
I wondered where did all these words come from. And, I was realising how futile my effort was. Return to Earth, kid, you're never gonna make her come back to you. Don't you see? You're telling yourself, rather than her, what kind of an asshole you really are. She already knows it. So why don't you just believe it, too, and go home to cry.
"I... I hope you'll meet someone, someone that really deserves you. A better man that I ever was," I said quietly.
It hurt me incredibly much to say that aloud. A better man than me? My sore spot. I was no man, so every man was a better man than me. That, finally, was the thing that brought tears into my eyes, and although I tried real hard to look anywhere else than in her face, and to rapidly blink them away, she noticed I was crying. And her puppy brown eyes with a beautiful shade of red got wet and glossy, too.
"Tidus," she said, although she did not quite trust her voice yet, "Rikku told me you were writing something."
I was a little startled to hear she had been talking to Rikku.
"Could you... Could you show it to me, please?" she asked me.
I swallowed nervously, then extended my hand to give her my journal.
"That's my journal," I told her. "The piece I wrote tonight is the last one written there. But, if you want to, you can..."
She silenced me with a shake of her head. She browsed through the book to find the song I had written that night, and then read it through. I saw a tear drop on the page. I was unsure of what to do, for a moment, but then I could not stop myself anymore from hugging her. She took a grip of me, returning my hug, and cried leaning her head against my shoulder.
I smiled through my own tears. I felt so damn good to touch her again. I tried to find something to say to her, but nothing came. Just before I started to panic, she spoke so I didn't have to.
"I've been missing you, Tidus," she said softly. "Oh, God, I never even realised I loved you this damn much."
She wiped a tear off her eye.
"I missed you, too," I said. "...I guess my accuracy could still be better."
She gave a laugh for my bad joke, still through her tears.
"Why, I thought you had the best accuracy in our party," she said.
"I don't know if Wakka still beats me," I replied.
I saw the expression on her face change somewhat as I said that.
"What is it?" I wanted to know.
She shook her head.
"Oh, nothing. I just... it's nothing, really. We should maybe go to sleep. We have a long way ahead of us tomorrow."
I sensed she suggested that I go to my own tent. I sort of understood that, but still felt a little weird about it. I thought everything was all right between us now, so why not sleep here? To my opinion, sleeping in the same tent didn't necessarily include having sex. I was stupid enough to tell her that. She took a look at me and then sighed.
"Then... I guess I must tell you."
"Tell me what?" I asked, somewhat challenging.
She took a deep breath, gazing at the walls of the tent. If possible, the tent started to feel even more uncomfortably small.
"I... I guess you have a right to know," she said.
A right to know what?
"Well, last night, when we camped here, Wakka came to speak to me. It has always been easy to talk to him, you know, I have known him all my life. He has been like...like a big brother to me. Last night, we talked real long, about all kinds of things. He...well, I talked about things I have never told anyone, things I never thought I'd tell. And he...understood me completely. He knew what I was talking about. He is a lot like Chappu was, I mean, he doesn't look like him but in spirit he's much the same."
Well yeah, he's the guy's brother. Surprise. I looked at her, still taking in the information.
"And we... We talked about Chappu, and his death. Wakka was...unbelievably gentle to me, he sort of understood all I had felt when my boyfriend died."
Probably much like he felt when his brother died. How can you be so blind? I was not going to cry.
"And, well, what can I say? I found someone I've been searching all my life. Someone that really understands me...a soulmate, sort of. I can't believe that all these years I've been so blind."
I finally found my voice again.
"So blind? Yeah, that's what you've been. The guy that died was not only your boyfriend; he was Wakka's brother. Wakka must have been dealing with pretty much the same feelings as you were. And if he understands you so well, maybe if you two have been growing up together, like a sister and a brother, maybe he actually knows you better than I do. It's not about his personality, Lulu; it's just that he's had more time to get to know you than I had. After a year, the situation could be a lot different. How can you know if I'm true if you never even give me a chance?"
Lulu did not reply.
"So... You're with him now, isn't that correct?" I asked, my heart pounding in my ears.
"I suggest that you leave," she said after a while. I could read nothing from her tone.
So I left. Just outside her tent I broke to run, and I ran until I felt that my lungs were starting to die. Then I ran a little further, until I all but fell down and stayed there, just breathing, trying just to think about the physical pain and not about Lulu. I felt the tears in my eyes, but I tried to force them away. I tried not to think about Wakka either. His big man's hands on Lulu's perfect body, his lips on hers... No, I said to myself, this has got to stop. I'll go back now. It'll be all right.
Eventually I got up and went to sleep.