I originally intended this to be a drabble, but dang it, I can't seem to get it down to under two hundred words. Plus, my muses wouldn't let this one go so here it is.

Title: Just the Usual Day at the Office
Rating: PG-13 for all the swearing
Fandom: FullMetal Alchemist
Pairing: Roy/Ed, Envy/Ed
Warnings: Roy's potty mouth, minor spoiler, no beta reader
Summary: Just another day at the office or is it?

Scritch. Scratch.

Just one more to go.

There! Finished.

With a triumphant grin, Roy placed down his last paper on the finished stack and stretched. "Finally free from this accursed paperwork!" Preparing to stand up, he heard an ominous sound coming from right behind him, more importantly his head. .

Click.

Not daring to look back at the source of the sound, Roy had a bad feeling, knowing his subordinate's tendency to be trigger happy when he was very behind on his paperwork. "Hawkeye, you're here late. What's the occasion?"

"Forgive my subordination sir, but you still have these other stacks of paperwork to finish by the end of the week. I won't have you skipping out on them again so you can go on one of your dates. It looks bad our unit and me. So forgive me when I say, get back to work!"

Crap, she meant business. Sighing in mock exasperation (though mostly to annoy his slave driver), Roy grabbed the nearest stack of paperwork and started working on them, hoping that his slave driver would get the hint and put away Mister gun. She really needed help naming things. Her names were too dull. Once he heard her place her gun away, he allowed the tension to flow out of his body, but at the same time, he was not going to be completely relaxed. With Hawkeye, you never know when she was going to pull out that deadly weapon of hers and give you her opinion on a matter.

With his eyes glued to his paperwork, Roy furiously read or scribbled on said paper as he had no desire to be riddled with bullets, especially when he wanted to get a date with a certain blond and a first date at that. He was about two thirds finished with his second stack when he noticed that something about his subordinate was off. He couldn't put his finger on it at first, but as he mulled over it, he was getting a wonderful migraine to complement his fantastic writer's cramp.

"Sir, I don't hear the lovely sounds of your pen." In a flash, her gun was pointed straight at the General.

Rounding on her, Mustang frowned. "You're not Hawkeye. Just exactly who are you?"

Riza raised a brow, but she kept a steady aim and her usual serious face on. "What are you talking about, sir? Has the paperwork gotten to you? Shall I go get the good doctor?"

Mustang raised his hand and casually waved her off. "No, that won't be necessary. I know for a fact that Hawkeye doesn't walk that stiffly. She has a small bounce in her step. You don't."

'Riza' pouted, something the real Riza would never do. "And I thought my imitation was perfect." She said with a shrug before a light traveled down her body to reveal someone else.

"Envy, what are you doing here and why are you impersonating Hawkeye? For that matter, where is she?" Roy said in a dangerous voice. His hands were slowly going to his drawer with his fire ignition gloves.

"My, my, so full of questions. You're like a tall version of Ochibi-chan," Envy grinned mischievously before bounding over to Mustang's desk and perching on it. "Do you really want to know the answers?"

"Yes, I do." Mustang practically growled. What was this homunculus doing here and in his office for that matter?

Nonchalantly, the sin placed his arms behind his head. "I suppose it won't hurt to answer them. First of all, I'm being paid to keep watch on you and make sure you're not slacking off as usual. Plus, I get to torture you without having breaking any laws and getting chased around by Ochibi-chan, not that I mind. Second, I had nothing else better to do. As to her location, she's on a date with some guy." He wondered if the General would pick up the subtle clues that he left. "By the way, it's going to take a lot more than fire to kill me." Yes, he did notice Mustang's hand slowly making its way to his drawer.

'Dammit!' Roy thought miserably on all accounts. He picked up those subtle clues. How could Hawkeye be on a date and leave him here with this homunculus? It was cruel and unusual punishment! "What could Hawkeye possibly offer you to 'baby-sit' me?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Envy inquired, lying on Mustang's desk with his head propped up on his hands.

"Don't tempt me to fry your ass," Roy threatened. He knew the homunculus would recover, but dammit, no one made a fool out of Mustang and got away with it.

"Is that an offer?"

"No!"

"Fine. I get a date with Ochibi-chan and some monetary compensation." Now to wait for Mustang's reaction.

"WHAT?"

Envy winced a little due the sheer decibel of his volume. "Could you yell a little louder? I don't think the next town heard you."

Needless to say, Roy was seeing red, lotsa lotsa red. He yanked out his gloves and shoved them on, not caring where they were. "How? When? Where? Why?"

"Aa, that's for me to know and for you to find out." The sin grinned. "Since you've finished more than what she asked for, I shall collect my payment." With that, he danced over to the window and exited it.

Meanwhile, Roy was left there dumbfounded. He grabbed his military coat and made a dash for the door. There was no way Envy was going on a date with Fullmetal, not while he was alive. Dammit, it was supposed to be Roy not Envy taking him out.

"Damn you, Hawkeye!"

On the other side of town, Hawkeye sneezed.

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A little OOC for their parts, but I figure the gal needs a break from getting Roy to do his work, and what better way than to recruit a certain shape-shifter?