Clarke and Niylah
Chapter One
Uhuhh! Clarke bolted upright, waking herself from another of her recurring nightmares. Taking a deep breath, the reality of where she was, and that she was safe, slowly seeped into her consciousness. Looking around the campsite, she hoped that unlike previous nights, she hadn't disturbed anyone. From the looks of compassion she received some mornings, she knew that she wasn't always successful.
It had only been a week since all surviving humans transcended, except for Clarke, who couldn't transcend, and thirteen of her found family, who chose not to transcend and spend the rest of their lives on Earth. Seven days since she returned to Earth, and already the nightmares from before Praimfaya were back in force. Only now, the choices she'd made that led to new betrayals and murders were added to the repertoire that ran on a loop in her mind as soon as she closed her eyes. Then of course, there was her mother's death, and the torture Madi had to endure at both hers as well Cadogan's hands. God, how could she ever have thought putting that electrical collar around Madi's neck, then pressing the button was justified?! She would always feel shame for putting her daughter through that horror. Killing her best friend, only to lose Madi anyway was particularly hard. Even though Octavia and Eco had forgiven her, Clarke was a long way from forgiving herself for killing Bellamy. Even though he was right about transcendence, because of her, he did not live to experience eternal life and peace. It didn't matter that he became someone willing to harm, if not kill a child just to get information. And, not just any child….her child. He had been her best friend, so that forgiveness was a long way into the future, if it happened at all.
Knowing she wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep, Clarke got up and started to quietly add wood to the several fires her friends were all sleeping around, pausing for a moment when she reached the fire Niylah was sleeping next to. She stared at the back of the woman who had been on her way to becoming an important part of her life, but that was before Praimfaya and the bunker. Before Madi and Blodrina. Taking another deep breath, she rubbed the ache in her chest and kept walking, knowing that their time had passed. Praimfaya had forced them both in different directions, Niylah toward Octavia, Clarke to Madi. She was grateful their friendship had survived, but this last week she'd felt a distance coming from Niylah. So much had happened over the last six years, decisions made by both. She would treasure the friendship that had survived, but still, she rubbed her chest trying to ease the dull ache of what might have been.
ONE MONTH LATER:
Everyone was sitting around the main campfire quietly talking and laughing about Miller squealing earlier in the day when a big spider landed on his shoulder and started to crawl up his neck. "A big tough warrior, squealing like a child over an itty, bitty spider." Murphy teased, causing the whole group, including Miller to laugh, remembering as he ran from the woods, his arms frantically trying to brush the long-gone spider from his neck.
Turning to Clarke and seeing she wasn't paying attention to the story, Raven asked her friend, "What are you thinking about?" Staring into the fire, Clarke smiled. "Lexa." "Missing her?" Raven asked, as the others quieted to listen. Clarke softly shook her head. "Not that. I was wondering if Lexa would have been able to be happy, here with us. Her whole life was dedicated to being the Commander. From such a young age she was used to being revered. I just wonder if she could have been happy being just one of a group, with no worries other than shelter, water, and food." Clarke shrugged her shoulders. "Would she have been content with no enemies to fight, wars to strategize, no people to take care of?" Still staring into the fire, she smiled and said softly, "I don't know."
"What about you, Clarke?" Raven asked. "You've been leading and fighting for your people and those you love ever since you landed on the ground. Can you let go of the fight and find happiness in the quiet? In the everyday, mundane chore of just living?"
Clarke looked at Raven and smiled. "I was happy just living. I spent six years with Madi being happy. Six years filling my days with drawing, playing, teaching, hunting for food, ordinary chores...all with Madi." However, the action of shrugging her shoulders, immediately swept her mind back in time to when she had collapsed in exhaustion outside the buried bunker. As she continued, her eyes automatically gravitated to Niylah. "I missed you…" she whispered. All eyes were on her now, especially Niylah's, who couldn't help the tear slowly making its way down her cheek, also remembering the constant pain in her heart when they realized that there would be no rescue from the cement hole in the ground, they were buried in. No holding Clarke again.
After a moment, the silence around the campfire finally penetrated Clarke's consciousness, and she blinked herself back into the present, quickly looking away from Niylah, and muttered…"I missed all of you. Those on the ground and those on the Ark…not knowing if any of you were alive." She stumbled a bit but stopped for a moment as tears filled her eyes, "I missed my mom," she whispered, rubbing the ache in her chest from the hole in her heart losing her mother left behind. "I was so angry and frustrated knowing that she…that you…" she looked around, careful to include those who had spent the same six years stuck underground in the bunker, "…were all going to die in that bunker and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I tried to dig you out, but there was just too much rubble." She looked back at Raven. "But, in between that pain and frustration of not being able to help, of not knowing if you all made it to the Ark, of missing you all, I was happy." Straightening her back, her emotions once again under control, she looked around at her family and smiled. "I know that my nightmares don't make it seem like I'm happy, but they will get better, I promise. They did in Shadow Valley. It took a while, and I know I scared Madi a few times in the early days, but they got better then, they'll get better again." She shrugged one shoulder, "they have to." As she smiled at Raven, she didn't notice Niylah subtly drying her damp cheek with the sleeve of her shirt.